Episode 133: Where Is God in My Grief?

03/31/22 • 59 min

When applying to medical school, potential students are required to write a personal statement to accompany the application. I remember specifically what I wrote in my statement because I was in the pain of grief. I wrote that I was applying to medical school to become a doctor both because of, and in spite of, my parents' battles with cancer and my mom's recent death.

You see, without the cancer, I never would have really been exposed to the medical community. My plan in life was to become a writer or a librarian. I loved reading and always wanted to surround myself with books. After cancer entered our lives though, I became exposed to the world of medicine and I started feeling the longing to help ease the suffering of others.

However, after my mother's death, the 'in spite of' part became a reality as well. Mom did not get better. My pain after losing her was worse than anything I had experienced. As I completed my junior year of college after my mom died, I began to have doubts. Would I really be able to do this career anymore? Would the memories of my mom's illness be too much for me? Onward I went through the process, however, hoping that in the end, emotionally, I would be OK.

This reminds me so much of my faith and relationship with God after the death of Andy. WIthout my faith, I am certain that I would not have been able to get through this pain. I turn to him in my pain and suffering. I look for others to be God's hands and feet to help me. I have felt the love of God and others surround me when I am at my lowest points.

On the other hand, however, I have at times felt so alone and abandoned by God. I can feel like He betrayed me or let me down in some way. I feel disappointed by God and have often felt so angry that He would allow Andy to die and for this to be my life right now. I want to shout out against Him and turn away.

In the end though, I think my faith journey needs to continue on in the same way that my medical school journey did. I just kept on the path working through those feelings of anxiety and doubt about my future. I went to medical school and ended up not being a doctor treating suffering cancer patients, but one that focused on healthy children and families. It was better than what I could have dreamed.

Down the road, my faith certainly will not look the same as it did before Andy died, but hopefully, at some point, I will be able to look back and see that it is in fact, better and stronger than I could have ever imagined. That day is not today, certainly, but, until then, I just keep going.

Previous Episode

Episode 132: Jessica's Mom

Tenacious. When listening to today's guest, Nancy, talk about her precious daughter, Jessica, the word that immediately comes to my mind is tenacious. No matter what life threw her way, Jessica continued to fight and even thrive. Despite being born with congenital heart disease requiring multiple surgeries resulting in many complications, she just kept going. Jessica loved life and would talk and talk until she quite literally turned blue and her family would say, "Jessie, slow down a minute. You are turning blue."

In the mid-1990's, as Nancy was learning more and more about congenital heart disease, she felt drawn to find other parents going through similar struggles and offer comfort and support to them. Initially, this came in the way of a listserve where people would write emails sharing their stories with each other. Through this experience, Nancy formed many friendships, including friendships with Michael (Episode 122) and Anna. In fact, Michael talks about how when his daughter, Liel, died, it was Nancy (although she lived on the other side of the world) who was able to give him comfort during those first days.

Although Jessica lived until she was 22 years old, she never developed higher than the level of about an 8 year old. Today, Nancy talks about the beautiful memories that they have of Jessica and even of those last weeks of her life when they were helping her to prepare her and answer her questions about heaven. These are beautiful stories that are inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time.

Nancy says that in life, Jessica would say that she always needed her mommy. Now, in death, Nancy still feels Jessica with her constantly whether it is by seeing unexpected butterflies or other little signs. Jessica always taught her in life and now Nancy is continuing Jessica's work by spreading help and healing to bereaved parents everywhere.

Nancy helps in this work by being a producer (along with Anna and host, Michael) of the Bereaved, but Still Me podcast. If you didn't listen after hearing Michael, start now! It may actually mean even more now that you know of the stories of not one, but two girls whose lives inspired their parents to start a podcast.

Next Episode

Episode 134: Dakota's Mom

In the days after Andy died, someone from my office quickly arranged for each member of our family to start seeing a counselor. Eric and I were given an appointment together and it was, in a word, weird. We sat there on a loveseat in the office while the therapist crouched in front of us by our feet for the entire hour.

I don't remember anything anyone said, but I do remember looking at her thinking, 'That cannot be comfortable.' The visit was awkward for both Eric and me. I remember him saying as we left, 'We are not going back there again.' Less than two weeks later, we found our home at Starlight Ministries in a grieving parent support group. It was exactly what we needed.

As time passed though, I think others realized before I did that I did really need a therapist on top of the peer support. When trying to go back to work, I cried between every patient and eventually needed to take a prolonged leave of absence. I honestly did not think I would ever work as a pediatrician again.

When the first person suggested I see my eventual grief therapist, Nancy, I really brushed it aside. I had tried therapy and thought it would not help. Then a second person gave me the same name. I again did not listen, but when a third friend of mine mentioned the same name again, I decided that maybe God was trying to tell me something.

I started seeing Nancy, and it was truly life-changing. When I said that I thought my days as a pediatrician were over, Nancy said, 'I promise you that if you want to go back, we will get you there.' It took almost a year of hard work, but together, I was back to doing the career I had always loved so much.

I feel somewhat similar feelings about this week's podcast. Nine months ago in Episode 94, I interviewed Daisy's Mom who is now helping grieving parents from Sick Kids Children's Hospital in Toronto by leading grief yoga. Just a few weeks ago in Episode 131, I spoke with Judson's Mom who is finishing up her trauma yoga certification so that she can lead grieving parents in grief yoga as well. Today's guest makes number three. Dakota's Mom, Erin, has started grief yoga via Zoom through her website, yogawitherinb.com after having working with grieing mothers in person since 2019.

This third person reaching out to introduce me to grief yoga made me pause. Perhaps again, God is trying to tell be something. In the last weeks since the interview, I have tried some sessions and have found that they do decrease my stress level and just give me a bit of peace. After completing a thirty minute session, I just feel better.

Overall, the more things that we put in our toolbox to give us a bit of comfort, the better we will all feel. Whether it is attending a support group, individual therapy, listening to a podcast or doing grief yoga, they all are ways we can help ourselves heal just a little bit at a time.