022: An African Father's Divorce Story W/ Anonymous aka Olufemi

07/21/21 • 54 min

In this episode, we continue shedding more light on the story of divorce from a man’s perspective. But before that, I just want to make this clear - the purpose of this podcast is not to encourage divorce especially in situations that can be mended. The goal is to challenge the stigma of divorce, using lessons from real-life stories and to encourage anyone who is facing an unrepairable marriage to not feel trapped in the fear of judgment and know that there is life after divorce.

I will be talking to an old friend who has chosen to be anonymous and will go by the name Olufemi - Femi for short. He chose to become anonymous because there are children involved. If you want to catch up with Femi’s story and how it ended up in divorce, please refer to Episodes 20 and 21 in the podcast directory.

[00:01 – 03:16] Opening Segment

I Introduce our guest, Olufemi

[03:16 - 17:54] The Divorce Decision

Olufemi shares what was the deal breaker
The internal and external pressures to stay marriage

[17:54 – 31:12] The Divorce Process

Going to numerous Court Sessions
Producing countless documents
The effect of divorce on the kids
The cost of divorce
The constant twists and turns

[30:12 – 40:45 ] Life as A Single Man & Lessons Learnt

The healing process
Putting the kids first
Transitioning to being a single father
Lessons learnt about Self Control
Other lessons learnt

[40:45 – 54:06] What Olufemi Would Have Done Better & Conclusion Remarks

Olufemi gives important keys we need for healthy relationships.
Host Anyoh Shares some lessons she also took from the discussion
Olufemi gives his final remarks.

Tweetable Quotes:

“I also learned that we need to find ourselves and be comfortable by being with ourselves before we go into relationships.” – Anonymous (Olufemi)

"You can't give what you don't have - you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.” – Anyoh Fombad

"Discernment can come through instincts or the guts and we need to pray for deeper discernment so we make better decisions.” – Anyoh Fombad

"I learned that the highest form of control is self-control because without it - you'll mess everything up." - Anonymous (Olufemi)

LEAVE A REVIEW and tell us what you think about the episode so we can continue putting out the best content just for you!

You can connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, or send us an email at [email protected]. Check out our website www.livingafricanpodcast.com for more resources and to learn more.

You can connect with Anyoh on Facebook (@anyohf), Instagram (@anyohfombad), and Twitter (@anyohfombad).

[00:01 – 03:16] Opening Segment

I Introduce our guest, Olufemi

[03:16 - 17:54] The Divorce Decision

Olufemi shares what was the deal breaker
The internal and external pressures to stay marriage

[17:54 – 31:12] The Divorce Process

Going to numerous Court Sessions
Producing countless documents
The effect of divorce on the kids
The cost of divorce
The constant twists and turns

[30:12 – 40:45 ] Life as A Single Man & Lessons Learnt

The healing process
Putting the kids first
Transitioning to being a single father
Lessons learnt about Self Control
Other lessons learnt

[40:45 – 54:06] What Olufemi Would Have Done Better & Conclusion Remarks

Olufemi gives important keys we need for healthy relationships.
Host Anyoh Shares some lessons she also took from the discussion
Olufemi gives his final remarks.

Tweetable Quotes:

“I also learned that we need to find ourselves and be comfortable by being with ourselves before we go into relationships.” – Anonymous (Olufemi)

"You can't give what you don't have - you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.” – Anyoh Fombad

"Discernment can come through instincts or the guts and we need to pray for deeper discernment so we make better decisions.” – Anyoh Fombad

"I learned that the highest form of control is self-control because without it - you'll mess everything up." - Anonymous (Olufemi)

LEAVE A REVIEW and tell us what you think about the episode so we can continue putting out the best content just for you!

You can connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, or send us an email at [email protected]. Check out our website www.livingafricanpodcast.com for more resources and to learn more.

You can connect with Anyoh on Facebook (@anyohf), Instagram (@anyohfombad), and Twitter (@anyohfombad).

Previous Episode

021: Intimate Partner Violence - An African Man's Story of Abuse W/ Anonymous aka Olufemi (Part 2)

Today we will be talking about intimate partner violence, which is a very important topic of discussion in the African community. Through the years, abuse has been somewhat normalized in relationships and in our community. There have been many examples of abuse that have led to a loss of life. Some 1.2 million women and 700,000 men experience domestic violence each year, according to the Office for National Statistics. According to a study, Africa has some of the highest prevalence rates of intimate partner violence in the whole world. Today I will be talking to an old friend who has chosen to be anonymous and will go by the name Olufemi - Femi for short. He chose to become anonymous because there are children involved.

[00:01 – 09:45] After The Violence

Femi is Hospitalized
He goes to court for a protective order
Looking back at events that took place

[09:45 - 30:54] The Process of Divorce

The court hearings for protection order
What led to divorce
Femi's then-wife abandons the kids
They separate for one year
Femi delays in filing for divorce

[30:54 – 1:05:2] The Adultery Part & The Community Response

Femi shares the story of adultery
How the community reacted
The advice from friends
How the church reacted

[1:05:2 – 1:15:55] Lessons & Closing Remarks

Lessons He Learnt
What men must know about intimate partner violence
Closing Remarks

Tweetable Quotes:

“If someone is not willing to change, no amount of good knowledge can help such a person.” – Olufemi

“There is this ideology in Africa that men don't show emotions - that is WRONG! Men have emotions and they need to show it when they are hurt” – Anyoh Fombad

"It is OK for men to be vulnerable. If you need to cry, then cry!" - Anonymous (Olufemi)

“We always create this ideology of who we want people to be that we get blindsided and refuse to accept people for who they really are even when they're showing it to our face.” – Anyoh Fombad

LEAVE A REVIEW and tell us what you think about the episode so we can continue putting out the best content just for you!

You can connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, or send us an email at [email protected]. Check out our website www.livingafricanpodcast.com for more resources and to learn more.

You can connect with Anyoh on Facebook (@anyohf), Instagram (@anyohfombad), and Twitter (@anyohfombad).

Next Episode

023: Why Divorce Wasn't Common in Our African Parent's Generation W/ Dr. Grace & Rudolf Fombad

At the end of every episode, I always call on all the listeners to not let the conversation end with the episode; to take the conversation to various circles and have more meaningful conversations about the topics we discussed. Today, I brought some of those conversations to light with my little circle - my dad - Dr. Rudolf Fombad, and mom - Dr. Grace Fombad. We got to discuss the general consensus about marriage in our African community, which is not based on facts by the way, that compared to our parent's generation (baby boomers and above), we (millennials and below) don’t value marriage as much because we get divorced easily. Mom and dad also shared their own perspectives on marital values through the generations based on experience, and we collectively shared some very insightful ideas and observations on various factors that may have influenced the outlook on marriage in our community. I would love to hear from you, about what you think of any of the episodes that have impacted you in one way or the other. Again, let's keep the conversation going and spark more uncomfortable but necessary conversations. Source article mentioned in episode: https://www.goldbergjones-wa.com/divorce/divorce-by-generation/ [00:01 – 04:16] Opening Segment

I Introduce our guests, Dad & Mom

[04:16 – 34:46] The Generations & How They View Marriage

The generations that came before us (GI Generation, Silent Generation, Baby Boomers, Gen X).
The early marriage problem
The persistency of marriage in the times of our Parents
How Laws made it difficult to divorce

[34:46 – 59:35] More Discussions on Why Divorce was Uncommon

Why younger generations are quick to call it quits on marriage
The positive effects of women empowerment
Learning to deal with each other weaknesses
Tips on sustaining marriage

[59:35 - 01:21:39] Final Words and Discussion

Deeper tips on sustaining a marriage among Millennials and Gen Zs.
The Impact of the extended family on African marriages
Getting support from the family
Final Words

Tweetable Quotes:

"Young people must learn how to react to the emotions of their partners in order to find solutions in their marriage." - Dr. Grace Fombad

"In the older generation, divorce was a taboo and so most people rather stayed in marriage or faced discrimination after divorcing" - Dr. Radolf Fombad

"We have to quickly learn how to help one another to manage the home and keep our marriage." - Anyoh Fombad

"Some women feel they're failures for not having a successful marriage and that's wrong. You're valuable with or without marriage." - Anyoh Fombad

LEAVE A REVIEW and tell us what you think about the episode so we can continue putting out the best content just for you!

You can connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, or send us an email at [email protected]. Check out our website www.livingafricanpodcast.com for more resources and to learn more.

You can connect with Anyoh on Facebook (@anyohf), Instagram (@anyohfombad), and Twitter (@anyohfombad).