Marni welcomes an experienced therapist and gender equality victim’s rights advocate Kelley Anne Bonner into the Den to talk about how burnout affects your body, dating, and work. Kelley is an expert in burnout and created Burn Bright, a company dedicated to helping creative, big-hearted ‘helping’ professionals battle burnout. She helps the people who take care of the world to take care of themselves. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• The signs of being burnt out
• Being true to your authentic self
• How to avoid burnout in dating
• What happens after burnout
• How to have compassion for your big-hearted self 

ABC’s of Burnout Prevention [2:55]

Kelley hit bottom when she was in her 20s and working in the largest maximum-security prison in New York state.  She kept smiling for the people she served but would find in herself figuratively in a puddle on the floor, drained of her joy. She quit her job before she had another lined up. 

Kelley says many people have burnout but don’t even realize they have it. 

Burnout is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion. The person experiencing burnout has no joy and feels hopeless.  

The cost of frantically running around is that you lose yourself and once you’ve lost yourself it’s a countdown to imploding. 

When you are in burnout your body and your nervous system are in dysregulation. Mindfulness and meditation can help. The first step to move passed burnout is to regulate your nervous system. The second step is to shift your mindset. Get your body in a relaxed state so your body can receive information. 

When your mindset is tapped into your authentic self, you are going to automatically get all the things in life that you want.  

Have Dating Burnout?  [21:49]

Are you pushing yourself to be engaging with toxic people or people who don't match the criteria you want? When people get burnout in dating they are not being true to themselves. There is a difference in discernment and being picky. 

Kelley encourages us to be clear about what we want, in dating and date people who are authentic. Because when we date a guy a second time who wasn't a good fit on the first date it can cause burnout. The joy/authenticity piece is missing. 

When you are true to yourself joy naturally comes from it. The minute you stray away from authenticity you are heading toward burnout. 

How-to Stave Off Burnout While Dating [26:16]

There is nothing beneficial about beating yourself up, especially when a date or series of dates doesn’t work out. It causes you to stay paralyzed at best or go backward. Have compassion for yourself because of course, you want to give someone a second chance, of course, you want to find love, you are a big-hearted person. 

Tips for eliminating dating burnout:

• Be in your best mental state and highest vibration when dating. 
• Make sure you have boundaries. Don't hang with people who drain your energy and dim your light. 
• Be clear and honest about where you are and if you are ready to date.

We are all good people just trying to figure it all out. 

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Marni welcomes Master Breakthrough Coach, Sherrie Toews back into the Den to talk about how to stop letting life's circumstances keep you from your destiny. The dynamic duo discusses the negative limiting beliefs that lead us to feel unworthy, strategies for overcoming childhood wounding, and the skills and tools available to ignite your life. 

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Releasing the baggage childhood
• Transforming the stories we believe about ourselves
• Stepping into your fully actualized self
• How to take control of your life and live courageously
• Resources to help you take action and ignite your life

What Gets in the Way of Being Fully Actualized? [4:28]

Automatic negative limiting beliefs keep us from being fully self-actualized. These limiting beliefs are, in essence, the false acceptance of certain truths or FACTs. They feel real to us because on some level, over time we have made these beliefs our truths. 

Sherri asks us ‘what if they aren’t true? What if they are stories we are making up about who we are?’. 

To shift our mindsets we have to implement the information our brains take in. This is the implementation phase. We need visceral and somatic reinforcers. But, Sherri says this is where people get tripped up. They fear the unknown and they fear asking for help. So little by little limiting beliefs regain their hold over us. 

The little ‘whos’ are the younger parts of us that suffered wounds in childhood. If we were overwhelmed psychologically when we were young, we turned inward and decided there was something wrong with us or that we were not good enough. We make adult decisions based on childhood wounds. It’s the little 'whos' who trip up our progress when we are trying to shift our lives. 

Our little ‘whos’ don't like uncertainty and in dating, nothing is guaranteed.

Live Courageously & Date with Dignity [18:18]

To take control of your life you have to learn to live courageously and release your fears. Because there is something beyond the fear which stretches our capacity to implement and grow. 

Many women share a common fear of not being worthy or of being too much. 

Simple steps to ignite your life 

• Ask yourself, what action can I take to change?
• Expect nervousness or fear.
• Consider who you can ask for help.
• Be aware of old patterns from past relationships.

Ignite Your Life Now! [27:23]

Marni and the Dating with Dignity team are ready, willing, and able to ignite your life, now. 

Get the skills and tools you need to create a robust fire in your heart: 

• Join the Facebook Group
• • Full of like-minded listeners and Marni’s meditations and tips.
• DWD new series, WTF? Will Someone Just Tell Me Why…
• • 3 Full episodes and a 3-day live, virtual finale, Sept 11-13

Make the choice to stop letting life's circumstances stop you from being fully actualized.

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In our lifetime we have never before seen supermarket shelves empty. We may emotionally react to the perception of scarcity by hoarding food and binge eating. And, working from home so close to your refrigerator can be daunting. To discover how we can have a positive relationship with food during this pandemic Marni welcomes Registered Dietician/Nutritionist, Paige Smathers to the Den. Paige helps people heal their relationship with food and their body. She specializes in chronic dieting addiction recovery, eating disorders, and the family eating dynamic. Her approach to nutrition and health is grounded in mindfulness and is rooted in intuitive eating and health at every size. Paige is the owner of Positive Nutrition where she offers mentorship and coaching.  

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• Overcoming the urge to hoard and binge eat
• Giving yourself permission to take pleasure in eating
• How to listen to your body and eat intuitively
• Making the most out of the family sitting down to a meal
• Why it’s not productive to micromanage your meals

A Sense of Scarcity [2:09]

What a shock it is to our system when we go to a grocery store only to find the shelves empty. We are not accustomed to not having enough food. We respond to these things by hoarding or buying in bulk. It has triggered a fear of scarcity in our entire society. 

And in our dieting culture, we make self-imposed cycles of trying to manipulate our bodies when it comes to food but during this pandemic, we are not in control of it. 

Paige reminds us that nothing about what is going on right now is normal. So, how do we shift? If we can make our eating as normalized as possible it will give us the best chance at nourishing our bodies so we stay healthy and function properly. She recommends staying within a normal diet as much as possible.

There is some room for enjoying food and tasting new things. We don't have to be ashamed to get pleasure or joy from food. 

It's time to stop that and accept that cooking can connect us to our culture and our families. We need that now more than ever. 

And, one of the biggest mistakes we make is to believe that it is wrong to enjoy food. We should enjoy preparing it, light a candle, play some music. Make it an enjoyable experience. 

The Intuitive Eating Framework  [9:34]

There is a lot to Intuitive Eating. It can be tricky to understand what it means. especially if you come from a diet mindset. It is nuanced but it is about deciding how you want to feel and how you want to function. 

Having a happy, healthy relationship with food is less about following rules; it's more about finding a way to approach food that works for you.  

There is freedom in waking up to the fact that your body is wise. You will get the carbs your body needs. Your body will get it whether you give it to it in consistent, balanced meals or through bingeing at night. There is real wisdom in liberalizing your rules about food. We just need to tune in. Paige warns against micromanaging eating. It is the micromanaging that leads to bingeing, overeating, or dysfunction. 

Tapping into your self-compassion is the key to intuitive eating. Ask yourself these questions to move forward with a peaceful relationship with your body and food:

• What has been true about you as a soul? 
• How would you feed someone you love and care about? And, why?

Asking yourself these questions makes it easy to separate the manipulative way you may approach food and help to ground yourself into a reasonable. intuitive, kind, gentle, balanced approach. It can strip away that negative, punitive thought pr...

Marni welcomes author and dating after divorce expert Holly Martyn into the Den to discuss her dating manual and memoir, Would It Kill You to Put on Some Lipstick?. Her book was inspired by an advice column by  Joan Rivers and tells the story of Holly’s poignant journey of finding a high-quality guy in 100 or fewer dates. It's a manual on how to navigate love, life, and happiness in midlife.

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• 3 strategies to meet a high-quality guy
• Dating is a numbers game
• The importance of prioritizing your love life
• The wonderful aspects of dating in your 40s and 50s
• How to ask a man what he is looking for without wasting your time

Dating is a Numbers Game [2:07]

 Joan Rivers started the conversation in an advice column. She told a single mother to put on some damn lipstick and get out there and date. Holly wondered if finding a high-quality guy really was a numbers game and decided to try it out for herself and journal her journey. She was in her 40s, had been in two long term relationships and it wasn't working. 

She didn't want her daughter to grow up knowing her mother stayed in a bad relationship. Holy says demonstrating to our children about what works and what doesn't when finding love is a teachable moment. It’s ok for our children to know that we are human beings and we are still learning.

3 Ways to Get a Date: 

1. Online/Dating Apps
2. Ask friends and family if they know someone.
3. Go out and get a meal by yourself and talk to new people. 

All three options worked for Holly. She met men and women. One woman set her up on a blind date with a guy she dated for two years. 

Whatever it is we prioritize in our lives we can make it happen. including our social lives. 

You just have to keep going on dates. It's like looking for a job. The dating process is a great way to know about men. Use the time to notice possible red flags. 

Learning Through the Dating Process [19:10]

 The adage is true ‘If we don’t change, nothing changes’. Holly had to examine relationships from her childhood and her previous marriages to see why those relationships broke down. Eventually, she became stronger and more confident in what she was looking for and how she wanted to be treated and she became more efficient in weeding out the wrong people upfront. 

Women, especially women in their 40s and 50s need to ask a man what he is looking for within the first three dates. Figuring out if a guy is looking for the same thing as you is nothing to be ashamed of. Your time is important don’t waste it on a guy who doesn’t want a relationship if that is what you want. 

Men will show you who they are very quickly.

One of the wonderful things about dating in your 40s, 50s, and beyond is something is freeing about not having the pressure of looking for a provider, a father, or someone our parents will approve of. Look for character more than characteristics. 

Holly reaches out to all the women who stay in relationships or marriages but have doubts about it, she says it’s more important to be a model for your children about the beauty of contentment and satisfaction. 

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In preparation for the Ignite Your Life Conference, Marni welcomes President and CEO of iPEC Coaching, Luke Iorio, back into the Den. Luke shares the a-ha moments that changed his life and shifted his mindset, how we can get out of our head to tap into greater consciousness and align with our inner knowing, and why this is the best time to invest in ourselves.  

Key takeaways from this episode: 

• How to look at your dating life objectively
• Feel good about your approach to life
• Why now is the right time to invest in yourself
• Access your inner knowing

Igniting Your Life [2:25]

 Luke went on an inward journey about why he was out of alignment with who he truly was. It made him who it was today. As a child, his father was a devout studier of personal development. Luke had access to books about finding out who he was.   

“I spent a lot of time trying to manipulate and control my relationships in an effort to keep myself safe.”  

Luke says if you resonate with living a flat experience and you want to get in touch with your aliveness, your spark then you need to wake up, express, and get in alignment with your inner knowing. 

When you start to look at yourself objectively and you will get in touch with your intuition and know when you are caught up in your old story or the drama of situations.  

There is power in shifting how you look at life. 

How Objectivity Affects Your Dating Life [17:26]

 It can be tough to start a relationship with someone else. New feelings, thoughts, and emotions come to the forefront of your mind. If you find yourself ruminating on the possible reasons he didn’t call, or what a guy meant by what he said, you may be too narrowly focused. Be aware that those triggers are messages from your unconscious that can help you better understand yourself. It's your past programming. Luke says the more you recognize the roots of your thought process you can decide what version of yourself you want to show to other people. 

Give yourself the opportunity to get out of your head and be more natural and genuine. 

After this inner work, regardless of the situation you find yourself in you will know you are making decisions that resonate with who you really are. The more self-aware you are, you have more peace and you stay centered and grounded. 

The Time is Right, Now [32:11]

During these uncertain times, people are reassessing their values and pinpointing what is important to them. Many are wondering why they didn’t enrich their lives more often and what they can do to make significant changes. Marni asks Luke why right now is a good time to invest in the future and attend the Ignite Your Life Conference. 

Luke says now is an important time to be devoted to personal development and to turn down influences that distract us or don't benefit us. A person’s development journey should start from within the flow of their usual lives. This way we build stronger roots and start making decisions from a place of inner knowing. 

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