Intro To BDSM

Explicit content warning

04/10/25 • -1 min

Fundamentals, Types and Roles, Safety Rules, and More

By Nuna Alberts, LCSW. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

If you’ve ever fantasized about getting kinky in the bedroom, you’re not alone. The runaway success of E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy of books; the three top-selling print and e-books in the United States between 2010 and 2019; not to mention the sales of the movies they generated, prove that interest in BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) is anything but rare.
BDSM can involve role playing, sensory manipulation, and more. Here are a few popular ways enthusiasts like to get kinky!

Prevalence: How Many People Practice BDSM?

Further proof: Nearly 47 percent of women and 60 percent of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually, while slightly more women and less men are aroused by the idea of being dominated, according to a 2016 study. The same study also found that almost 47 percent adults would like to participate in at least one nontraditional type of sexual activity, and 34 percent said that they’d done so at least once in the past. No wonder if you search the phrase “BDSM” on Google it will return more than 500 million results. By comparison, the phrase “missionary sex” returns about 163 million results.

The History of BDSM: Not So New

Explore a little more and you’ll also discover that BDSM is nothing new. Among BDSM’s historical high points:

Art and texts from ancient Greece and Rome show physical pain being used as an erotic stimulus, per the book An Illustrated History of the Rod, by William M. Cooper, first published in 1868.
The Kama Sutra, the revered Sanskrit text on sexuality written in India about 2,000 years ago, describes six appropriate places to strike a person with passion and four ways to do it. It also has chapters titled “Scratching,” “Biting,” and “Reversing Roles.”
The Marquis de Sade, a French aristocrat who lived from 1740 to 1814, wrote a variety of erotic novels and short stories involving being beaten and beating others. Eventually the author’s name gave rise to the term “sadism.”
Similarly, the term “masochism” is derived from the name of Austrian nobleman and author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, whose 1870 novel Venus in Furs describes a dominant-submissive relationship.
Back in 1953, a Kinsey Institute study found that 55 percent of women and 50 percent of men were aroused by being bitten.
And even pre-Fifty Shades of Grey, 36 percent of U.S. adults reported having had sex using masks, blindfolds, or other forms of bondage.

Is BDSM Still Considered a Medical Disorder?

At one time, mental health experts were dubious about whether those who practiced BDSM were mentally healthy. But the American Psychiatric Association took a huge step in destigmatizing kink with the release of the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) in 2013. For the first time ever, the guidelines drew a clear distinction between consenting adults who engage in sexual behaviors outside the mainstream, such as BDSM, and those who force others to engage in those behaviors without consent.
That means simply experimenting with, say, whips and chains, is no longer a sign of mental illness that by itself “justifies or requires clinical intervention,” the manual states.
There are true sexual disorders that are similar in theme. Sexual sadism disorder, for instance, involves inflicting physical or psychological pain on another for the purpose of sexual pleasure. And sexual masochism disorder involves deliberately involving yourself in a situation in which you are humiliated, beaten, or abused for the purpose of sexual excitement.
The difference between these two disorders and BDSM is consent, in the case of sexual sadism disorder, and that BDSM does not go to the degree of causing significant distress or impairing function, in the case of sexual masochism disorder.

The Psychology of BDSM: Why Are People Drawn to It?

Most of the available evid...

Fundamentals, Types and Roles, Safety Rules, and More

Prevalence: How Many People Practice BDSM?

The History of BDSM: Not So New

Explore a little more and you’ll also discover that BDSM is nothing new. Among BDSM’s historical high points:

Art and texts from ancient Greece and Rome show physical pain being used as an erotic stimulus, per the book An Illustrated History of the Rod, by William M. Cooper, first published in 1868.
The Kama Sutra, the revered Sanskrit text on sexuality written in India about 2,000 years ago, describes six appropriate places to strike a person with passion and four ways to do it. It also has chapters titled “Scratching,” “Biting,” and “Reversing Roles.”
The Marquis de Sade, a French aristocrat who lived from 1740 to 1814, wrote a variety of erotic novels and short stories involving being beaten and beating others. Eventually the author’s name gave rise to the term “sadism.”
Similarly, the term “masochism” is derived from the name of Austrian nobleman and author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, whose 1870 novel Venus in Furs describes a dominant-submissive relationship.
Back in 1953, a Kinsey Institute study found that 55 percent of women and 50 percent of men were aroused by being bitten.
And even pre-Fifty Shades of Grey, 36 percent of U.S. adults reported having had sex using masks, blindfolds, or other forms of bondage.

Is BDSM Still Considered a Medical Disorder?

The Psychology of BDSM: Why Are People Drawn to It?

Most of the available evid...

Previous Episode

Sexy Seniors

A discussion of Advanced Maturity and Sexuality

By Mark Stibich, PhD. Listen to the ► podcast at How To Sex.
Many people in their 70s and 80s are not only sexually active, but satisfied with their senior sex lives.
University of Michigan Institute for Healthcare Policy and Innovation. Let’s talk about sex. Though the frequency or ability to perform sexually may decline with age due to physiological changes, these don't necessarily affect how a person experiences or enjoys sex.
Aging-related problems like erectile dysfunction (ED), vaginal dryness, or urinary incontinence can affect sex. But their impact can also be minimized by using medication, managing chronic conditions, seeking individual or couples counseling, and changing sexual practices.
This article explores the sex lives of adults 65 and over and the problems that can interfere with sex as the body ages. It also discusses the various treatment options and ways to maintain—or even jumpstart—your senior sex life.
Studies suggest that men are almost twice as likely as women to still have sex or masturbate in their later years. A British study found close to 60% of men ages 70 to 80 and 31% of men ages 80 to 90 are still sexually active. In women, those figures drop to 34% and 14%, respectively.
This lower rate of sexual activity in older women may be due to a lack of opportunity rather than a lack of desire. Research shows that older women are less likely to have partners (due in large part to the fact that they often outlive their partners). This is sometimes referred to as "the partner gap."
It is common for men to experience sexual problems after age 40. Reasons include a natural decline in testosterone levels, heart disease, and prostate problems. The inability to achieve or sustain an erection or reach orgasm or ejaculation are common concerns.
Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction (ED), formerly known as impotence, is the inability to achieve or maintain an erection firm enough for sexual penetration and long enough to achieve orgasm.
While ED is more common in older men, aging itself does not cause the problem. ED is related to conditions, sometimes several at once, that directly or indirectly interfere with erections.
Risk factors include high blood pressure, diabetic nerve damage, smoking, obesity, Peyronie's disease, depression, and even certain medications. An accurate diagnosis is needed to ensure the right treatment.
ED drugs like Viagra (sildenafil), Levitra (vardenafil), and Cialis (tadalafil) are often the first-line treatments for ED. Lifestyle changes and counseling can also help. For some men, hormonal therapy, penis pumps, and penile implants may be recommended.
Is There a Female Viagra?
Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia
Benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) is a non-cancerous enlarged prostate and one of the most common health problems in older males.6 BPH can cause symptoms like difficulty urinating, frequent urination, or waking up in the middle of the night to urinate (nocturia).
On top of this, BPH can cause sexual problems like low libido (low sex drive) and delayed ejaculation (difficulty reaching orgasm).
Among the treatment options, testosterone therapy may help restore libido. There are also certain drugs used off-label that may help with delayed ejaculation, including cabergoline (originally marketed as Dostinex) and Wellbutrin (bupropion).7
Because some BPH medications can also cause sexual dysfunction, a change in the dose may help reso...

Next Episode

An Intro To 'Tease & Denial'

Tie up your man and go to town.

By alf_2712. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

Bondage sex is often associated with Sado Masochism. But that vaste generalization does a great disservice to a wide range of sexual proclivities. Each part of this grouping ought to be understood on it’s own attributes.

Bondage is simply adding real or perceived restrictions in a sexual encounter. It’s the fantasy of lost control over a situation which thrills many lovers. It often incorporates a fantasy scenario and some role-playing.

Sadism is the infliction of discomfort to a lover.

Masochism is a self-inflicted discomfort.

Today we’re hearing from Alfie, about her lover’s favorite kink. He allows himself to be restrained and subjected to sexual frustration, in the form of a very delayed ejaculation.

Healthy lovemaking of this sort may include switching roles, or may remain in fixed roles of a dominant & a submissive.

Sometimes it’s only a fantasy desired by one of them, yet the other lover plays a role simply to satisfy the other’s sexual sesires. Here’s Alfie.

My favorite Tease & Denial plot.

Spread eagle is my definitely my favorite bondage position. I love it. Tying at the feet is not always necessary, but the hands, absolutely. Even though a pair of cuffs in the middle do have their place, I’m a firm believer in hands at the corners. Some sort of strapping under the bed, whatever; we just want his arms out. Face up, of course.

You will need:

n a bed big enough for both of you

n some kind of restraint system already attached at all four corners of the bed frame, to tie his limbs outward, toward the four corners of the bed

n a bowl or basket containing:

A: a bottle of tasty massage oil,

B: a cock ring, and

C: a feather, furry mitt, or something which is very ticklish.

Besides these, the following are preferred;

n big tits If you’ve got them

n and minty gum can be nice.

No need for a blindfold. believe me, his eyes are your friend. You might also keep a glass of water, gotta keep those spit and sweat glands pumping. Ice water if you’re a bitch.

And a word on gagging. it’s up to you! But if you’re gonna gag, gag properly (i.e. rubber is better than your thong). Let’s get started! But let him breathe freely. His muffled voice is more for your experience of domination.

Get your man on your bed. Your face and hairdo should be impeccable and sultry, with lipstick mascara, and whatever else makes you look like a high-class slut. But somehow keep your hair from falling into your face on onto his oily body.

You want his to see your impeccable face and styled hair for the entire event.

If there’s a clock in the room, hide it.

Get him on his back and give him a kiss. A pillow under his head is good. And he’s naked, right? Completely naked? Dote on him and ask if he likes the position of the pillow. This doting just camouflages the torment you have planned for today.

You don’t have to be also naked, yet; but let your clothing help set a sensual mood. A Silky robe or his favorite lingerie is a good choice to start with.

Make focused attention on his comfort before you gently attach the restraints. Adjust the wrist restraints so you can fit one finger between the material and his skin. You want barely any wiggle room in his arms.

And his legs? Well, that’s up to you. Being bound on the bed and all accessible is going to make him squirm whether his legs are forced straight or not. I say leave em. But he might accidently hurt you if he suddenly flinches his legs.

Once all restraints are attached, extend each of his limbs and tighten the length up, so he’s truly spread-eagle and limited from squirming around during the event.

Tease and denial is the name of the game here. Or “edging” if you like. And edging it is.

We’ll be taking him right to the edge of an orgasm, more than a few times.

You know you’re doing well if you lose count. I hope your blowjob skills are up to date, ‘cause tongue is king here. Not to say it’s your only asset (it’s not). but subjecting him to excruciating pussy-torture can come a bit later.

In case it’s not clear already, this guide is written from a woman’s perspective; so if you’re not one, some parts o...