How To Sex - Creepy In The Swingers Club

Creepy In The Swingers Club

Explicit content warning

02/27/25 • -1 min

How To Sex

Why creepy guys often don't get laid, even at a swingers’ club

By Hord Holm. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

I've been to a Swinger Club on roughly a dozen occasions, so perhaps not enough to count myself as an expert. But perhaps enough to have observed some common behaviors, and these are what I want to address here, particularly in relation to single guys who go to Swinger Clubs.

The Swinger Club Scenario

What usually happens is that my husband suggests that we go to our preferred club about a week ahead of time (or further out, if there is an enticing theme advertised for a particular night.)

We make our reservation, and then I wonder: what kind of night will it be? It will either be a great night, lots of fun with amiable strangers, or it will be a night for just me and my hubby because of a Plague of Creepy Guys, who we will have to spend at least part of the evening avoiding.

But what, pray, does this Plague of Creepy Guys look like?

I need to start by outlining how a Swinger Club will usually be laid out. The Club is most likely divided into three zones.

The first zone is the Bar and Social Zone. Sex might happen there, but the main purpose of this zone is for patrons to relax, buy expensive drinks, which brings in one half of the Club's profit margin, and get to know each other.

The second zone is the Spa Zone, with a sauna, massage area, perhaps a hot tub or even an indoor pool. Sex might happen here, too, but often the Club regulations will prohibit sex in the hot tub or pool, if there is one, for hygiene reasons.

The third zone is the 'Action Zone,' which is where most of the fucking will occur. There will be separate rooms offering greater or lesser privacy, perhaps with themes or pieces of equipment, mirrored walls and ceilings, etc.

On arriving at the Club, the average patron will head for one of the first two areas until they feel like heading for the Action Zone. And it's then that the Plague of Creepy Guys will be encountered. This Plague will most likely be really off-putting to the first couples who enter the Action Zone, though they may be less of an issue once a greater number of couples, or perhaps even threesomes & groups, are scattered about.

But we have to ask a question: why is everyone at the Club?

Well, to get laid, of course! Though there may be the occasional patron who is there more as a voyeur; in which case, the following isn't really addressed to them. And if that's you, then have fun and don't be too creepy about it. Those patrons looking to get laid are divided into three groups; couples, single men, and single women.

However, single women are generally rarer than hen's teeth! I have seen one in the times I've attended clubs, and talking to more regular attendees one in twelve visits is actually better than average. And when we consider it, that's hardly a surprise as it must take some pretty tough chops as a single woman to walk into a Swinger Club and put oneself in that situation without anyone on one's 'side'. Hell, I’m adventurous, but I would never go without my man!

This leaves us with a clientele divided between couples and single guys, and thus there are, by definition, pretty much always more men than women in the Club; unless it's a couples-only night. And this factor, the outnumbering of women by men, is the basis of the Plague of Creepy Guys.

Describing the ‘Creepy Guy’

For the purposes of this piece, the Creepy Guy can be defined as follows: he can be young or old, handsome or a broken-down old wreck, or anything in between, but his defining characteristics are his silence and an air of desperation. He wanders around the Action Zone seeking to interpose himself on couples (or threesomes, or occasionally groups), with his cock in his hand and his mouth hanging half open, and at no point does he say anything.

Now, I get it. Single guys are the bread and butter of Swinger Clubs (indeed, they are the other half of the Club's profit margin). They pay a premium to get in and they want to get their money's worth. Single guys aren't necessarily Creepy Guys, either, but if they are they can be absolute pests.

Perhaps the Creepy guy is proud that he doesn’t spend the money on a cheap hooker or a lap dance. But he sees this entry charge as something which entitles him to a...

Why creepy guys often don't get laid, even at a swingers’ club

By Hord Holm. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

The Swinger Club Scenario

What usually happens is that my husband suggests that we go to our preferred club about a week ahead of time (or further out, if there is an enticing theme advertised for a particular night.)

But what, pray, does this Plague of Creepy Guys look like?

I need to start by outlining how a Swinger Club will usually be laid out. The Club is most likely divided into three zones.

But we have to ask a question: why is everyone at the Club?

Describing the ‘Creepy Guy’

Perhaps the Creepy guy is proud that he doesn’t spend the money on a cheap hooker or a lap dance. But he sees this entry charge as something which entitles him to a...

Previous Episode

Swinging vs Naturism

Do you seek to be comfortable in your body, or be just a piece of meat?

By Zahra Barnes & Dr Nikki Goldstein. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex.

Getting naked with a mixed social group might be a tantalizing item on your bucket list, but the options can be radically different, and lead to disappointment, even betrayal and abandonment. To the person who’s never seriously considered getting naked in a large mixed group, perhaps all the options seem the same. But where some groups, like swingers clubs; gather with the intent of openly sexual interactions; Naturist and nudist clubs specifically ban public sexuality. Even an innocent erection might be frowned upon and the guy might be asked to step apart from the women while he’s turgid.

Some naturists clubs have an unspoken bias against any male arousal. They even tend to blame an erect man for proliferating a ‘rape culture’.

But at the swingers club, the turgid male; especially if heavily endowed; is almost revered. A man or woman whose physique is rather ‘unremarkable’ may end the event feeling disappointed and inferior. It’s perhaps that ‘meat-market’ culture which diverts many people to the non-sexual naturist clubs. A man with a considerably small cock, hidden in a thick pubic bush, has little to fear at a Naturist club.

You might see more women than men at a naturist club, but you’ll definitely see way more men at a swinger club. That’s what leads a modestly-endowed man to give up on the swingers club, unless he’s there with his devoted female life partner.

But let’s hear from a young woman who has created a naturist society for younger adults. Zahra Barnes shares her report on the club that Felicity Jones started.

Naturism Liberated Me

This Is What It's Like To Live Most of Your Life Naked

I firmly believe that if you want to experience euphoria sans drugs, all you have to do is take off your bra after a long workday. And post-shower, you can often find me wrestling my freshly-lotioned legs into a pair of jeans, muttering questions like, "Why can't I just live my life naked?" The thing is, I can. And some people do. Nudists and naturists participate in plenty of normal activities like swimming, camping, and karaoke without clothes. The degrees of nudity vary; some people are naked pretty much all the time, while others reserve it for social events every so often. But to hear them tell it, life is much better in the nude.

While you may have heard of nudists, chances are you're a little less familiar with naturists. Although the terms are often used interchangeably, some people believe certain nuances classify them as two different bodies. "We define nudism as being more about the actual nudity, while naturism has more of a philosophy behind it," Felicity Jones, 27, a resident of Long Island City, N.Y. and co-founder of Young Naturists America, YNA, tells SELF. "It’s about accepting people as they are, and also promoting the values of respecting other people and the environment." Of course, most naturists can't be naked all the time, because laws exist and being naked in jail doesn't sound particularly comfortable. But when they can, they do, and they enjoy the hell out of it.

Let's clear one thing up: Naturism's not about sex.

Sometimes it's easiest to define naturism by describing what it's not. "A lot of people imagine that it’s this amped up sexual environment, like people are having sex in the open or having orgies," says Felicity. "It’s not like that at all. There’s a time and place for everything," she says, while noting that YNA has "very rarely" had to kick people out of events because they're acting inappropriately.

Stateside nudism and naturism have their roots in the American Association for Nude Recreation, which was founded in 1931. With an spotlight on "wholesome nude family recreation," the organization's mission is "to advocate nudity and nude recreation in appropriate settings while educating and informing society of their value and enjoyment," according to their website. Similar institutions cropped up after, like The Naturist Society, which was founded in 1980.

If you're like, wait, record scratch, people are advoca...

Next Episode

Sex Positions: Part 1

Creative positions for intimacy: Standing or Sitting

BY THE EDITORS OF MEN’S HEALTH. Listen to the ► Podcast at How To Sex.

If you suddenly have an itch to try some new sex positions, we’re not surprised. When we recently surveyed 1,229 American men about their sex lives, a third of respondents said they’re feeling more sexually experimental now than before the pandemic began.

According to Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey Institute researcher and member of the Men’s Health Advisory Panel, stress could have something to do with the widespread craving for sexual novelty. “When we’re stressed, it’s often harder to feel desire or to stay in the moment, because our mind is distracted and wandering,”

Lehmiller says. “Trying something new can create this immersive experience that lets us be in the moment and raises sexual arousal.”
A fun, new sex position is an easy way to immerse yourself in a sexual experience. Take a much-needed break from stressing about work or the state of the world by attempting something adventurous in the bedroom, like the many sex positions you’ll find on this list. (Don’t worry, we also included fan favorites like missionary, cowgirl, spooning, and doggy style.)
Which positions should you try first? Start by asking yourself what you’re hoping to achieve by changing up your usual routine. This will guide how you approach this list of 56 sex positions, explains Ian Kerner, sex therapist, and author of; She Comes First; and, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.

If you are looking for positions to help with female orgasm, then you want to look for sex positions where he can manually stimulate her clitoris during penetration. “Most women are not going to be able to get highly aroused or have an orgasm unless there’s some kind of clitoral stimulation happening,” Kerner says.
Or perhaps you want to explore elements of BDSM (an umbrella term encompassing Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) with new sex positions. “Some of these positions are great for power play, where you can feel dominant or submissive,” Kerner says.
Some of these sex positions are fun to try for novelty’s sake, but not necessarily ideal from start to finish. “You will likely want to mix and match positions,” Kerner says. “You can start in some of the more adventurous and highly athletic positions, but then transition into a less demanding position, where you can fully relax and feel present in the sex you’re having.”
If a sex position feels uncomfortable, don’t overdo it. This isn’t a “push through the pain” situation. Just switch to something else! There are plenty of positions here to choose from.
These positions are detailed in 5 chapters, which include standing, sitting, sideways, man-on-top, and woman-on-top.

And we’ll need to split this topic into two episodes, because of the great variety of expressions on the list. And if we’re just not descriptive enough for those listening to the audio podcast, be sure to pull up the transcripts with detailed illustrations of all 54 positions.
And now, let’s get started with the first position.

Chapter 1: Standing Positions

The next several positions don't even require a mattress. Often our spontaneous desires won't wait until bedtime. Let's get started.

1. Stand and Deliver

Also known as: The Bicycle
Benefits: You can enjoy the view of your penis thrusting.
Technique: Men, Stand at the edge of a bed or desk while your woman lies back and raises her legs to her chest. Her knees are bent as if she’s doing a "bicycling" exercise. Grab her ankles and enter her. Thrust slowly, as the deep penetration may be painful for her.

Also try: Have your woman place her heels on your shoulders, which will open her hips so her labia press against you

Hot tip: Encourage your woman to play with her clitoris manually. Also, show her that she can control your penetration by flexing her thighs.