Hindsight is Horrifying

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen – Is There a Doctor in the Fish?

Drop some acid, smoke some peyote. Do what you’ve got to do to prepare yourself for one of the trippiest movies of all time. But what else can you expect from Terry Gilliam, a.k.a the animation hippie of the Monty Python universe?

Welcome to The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, where suspension of disbelief and avoidance of logical thinking are your only potential survival guides in a world where the hero is named after a mental illness. To answer your question, yes. We are also surprised that this movie was given a grander budget than Highlander.

On this madcap episode, we finally figure out the name of that toy that looks like the planet Saturn. To that end, we can only assume that the film’s costume designer was intentionally trying to make Robin Williams look like a Wild Wild West Pogo Ball. If nothing else, we learn that men are far more logical and reasonable when they’re not busy being distracted by their bodily impulses. The King of the Moon did invent Spring, but he also gets super sprung whenever he sees his wife flirting with another man.

To make up for a lot of trauma, Terry Gilliam gives us some beautiful moments with Uma Thurman, who has officially joined the ranks of the Hindsight is Horrifying Babes. Uma, your certificate is in the mail.

Fun fact: Christopher Lambert was supposed to be in Baron Munchausen, but his wires didn’t lift him high enough to save him from being cut from this movie. We honestly have a hard time believing that anything was cut from this movie, because it went on for way too long.

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen forces us to ask ourselves: do our favorite childhood films only reign supreme in our unique senses of nostalgia? Or were they actually good? It’s still up for debate to this day, so we’re sorry for that lack of opinion for once. All we know is that you’ll injure yourself trying to shoe-horn logic into this film.

The most conclusive thought we can reach for The Adventures of Baron Munchausen is that giant fish, base-jumping horses, Time Lords with epically large noses, and mild nudity add up to a perfect 2-hour distraction for children.

What we know for certain is this: elephants might be afraid of mice, but that’s because they’ve never seen the demon that Meg tried to leave in Darth Jader’s house. Dolls make HORRIFYING house-warming gifts. You read it here first.

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A Christmas Story: “I didn’t say ‘fudge’.”

#Hindsighters, by this point you’re well aware that Darth and Jason enjoy ruining your favorite childhood films. To that end, how could the director of Porky’s NOT be responsible for one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time? It’s only natural to graduate from glory holes and move on to what Jason calls “the Shark Week of Christmas.”

On the very first Christmas episode of your favorite podcast, Darth, Jason, and Meg discuss one of the most nostalgic Christmas movies in the history of cinema. On the subject of nostalgia, #Hindsighters, don’t you miss the pre-Internet days of paddle spankings and soap sucking? Asking for a friend.

Despite the fact that Jason is TOTALLY Old Man Parker, your beloved podcasters have no special love for A Christmas Story. They’re lying; everyone and their mom loves this movie. Anyone who says differently is selling something, and it’s probably Ovaltine. Allow Darth and Jason to dispel the inappropriate rumor you’ve all heard about A Christmas Story: Peter Billingsley is NOT an “above average” porn star; however, Scott Schwartz may have dipped his toe into the porn pool. Regardless, don’t allow this to sour your holiday season. You can rest easy knowing that Ralphie never sold his body to the smut industry.

Beyond avoiding a career in porn, A Christmas Story taught us important life lessons:

1. Never confuse mashed potatoes with asbestos. It’s honestly safer to shoot your eye out with your favorite bb gun.
2. Sitting on a strange man’s lap is awkward, even when that strange man is Santa Clause.

Haunting your best friend is the only acceptable career option after you die.

Darth and Jason are excited to share this Christmas season with you, #Hindsighters. They wish you the happiest of holidays, filled with “Asian turkey” and Red Ryder bb guns.

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National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: “We’re at the Threshold of HELL!”

#Hindsighters, Darth and Jason realize that you are mourning the ending of the first HIH season. Luckily, for all of you already missing the holidays, your favorite podcasters are going out with a Christmas classic in January. Better yet, they are accompanied by awesome returning guest, Morgan!

This film is arguably one of the most hilarious and relatable Christmas movies in all of cinema history. Christmas Vacation teaches us the valuable lesson that having relatives over for a month-long visit would quickly devolve into The Hunger Games, especially if Katherine burns the turkey again.

In all seriousness, when Count Rugen’s brother and bitchy Elane Benes are your uptight, yuppie neighbors, adding relatives like Cousin Eddie to equation can make the Christmas season a stressful one to endure.

The best way to survive such a season is to follow this sage holiday advice:

1. Be sure to constantly chug egg nog out of moosen cups from Wally World.
2. NEVER hang a realistic Clark Griswold from the side of your house; an idiot will call the cops.
3. If you’re a plastic, light-up Santa and reindeer set, avoid the Griswold home at all costs.

Jason would argue that Santa could regenerate himself and his reindeer as the supernatural being of Christmas Vacation, but Darth doesn’t want to go there.

Hindsighters, our final thought from this Christmas season is this: Go full Griswold with your Christmas dreams. If you shoot for the moon, you might land in a backyard pool.

Darth and Jason would also like to thank each and every one of their listeners for making this such a successful first year of #HindsightIsHorrifying. Your continued listenership and support mean the world to us, and we could not be more grateful.

And before they get uppity, Darth and Jason would also like to sincerely thank each guest who has helped make these podcast episodes so special and fun. It has been a fantastic 2019, and the trolls best watch out, because 2020 is only going to be better and brighter. This is Hindsight, and good night.

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Night Shift: Edible paper! You Eat it, it’s Gone...Eat it, it’s Outta There!

Welcome to our first (and hopefully regular) menage a quad! *term trademarked by Adam Brown*

#Hindsighters (as Katie has aptly labeled you), it’s hoes before bros on Part 1 of this brand-new type of episode. Darth and Katie challenge Jason and Adam Brown in a cinematic battle of the sexes!

Imagine a world where Batman and alternate-universe, lackluster Fonzie open a brothel to become chivalrous hustlers in their local morgue; oh, and Batman has a mental disorder where he can only sing Jumpin’ Jack Flash.

This film is a classic case of cheering for an underdog. After all, what everyman doesn’t get ahead by becoming a pimp? Oh! Sorry about that. We meant to say “love broker”.

According to Miss Manners, “whore” is a rude term to apply to people in the sex trade. However, a whore who cooks partially naked for your man is not to be trusted, especially if she was recently busted out of Night Court. Here’s a pro tip from us to you, #Hindsighters: If a man refuses to pay you for services rendered, bite him on the ass. You’ll land your own ass in Night Court, but it’s totally worth it.

Speaking of which, Belinda might be a whore with a heart of gold, but Julia Roberts is the Disney Princess of hookers. However, Night Shift and Pretty Woman do share the important similarity that is the classic 80s montage. During the Night Shift montage, the love brokering ladies acquire fancy clothes while Fonzie stuffs money into a coffee can. The lesson here? We all celebrate differently.

We learned some other lessons from this movie:

1. It’s okay to acquire money illegally so long as you spend your ill-gotten gains in an honorable fashion. Chuck might have pimped out some 80s ladies, but he did it to buy his dad a truly pimpin’ headstone. #Tombstonemoment
2. Hooking is high-risk and generally low-reward; invest your money wisely, establish a 401K, and BOUNCE straight out of that profession before a John breaks your arm.

We’ve all experienced that awkward moment when underwhelming Fonzie and hooker Diane are having relationship troubles while mentally stunted Batman is stuck in the middle ... this is just the kind of problem that can be solved by Variant Brewing, so long as you pair your beer with the correct Brendan Fraser movie.

Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of the Battle Royale, where we finally determine if the guys or the girls emerge victorious on a scale of Alf to Seinfeld. In the meantime, we’ll leave you with this final uplifting thought. Every time we mention autoerotic asphyxiation, an Australian takes a shot.

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Hindsighters, what do YOU do to show your wives a good time? Well, if you’re Frank (Warren Oates) and Roger (Peter Fonda), you whisk your wives off to Colorado in the fanciest RV money can find!

For some added fun, Frank and Roger travel through Texas en route to Colorado, roughhousing on dirt bikes and playing witness to the grisly Satanic cult murder of a hot young woman. It’s all in good fun until the cult in question sets it sights on Frank, Roger, their wives, and the beloved family dog as the next victims for sacrifice.

The town is overrun by the Satanic cult and the local sheriff is literally of no help in this matter! What are the fellas to do to save themselves and their wives? Zoinks, gang!

It’s the Summer of Seventies on #HindsightisHorrifying! We apologize in advance that Mr. Brown will be selecting too many of these films for you to “enjoy”, so brace yourselves.

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