The Mask - Episode 013

05/03/19 • 78 min

SOMEBODY, STOP ME!

And the Oscar for Tightest Red Dress goes to...Cameron Diaz (a.k.a. the human Jessica Rabbit in The Mask)! Don’t be fooled, gang. Jason pretends to hate this amazing movie while TOTALLY appreciating all of Cameron’s ASSets. The lesson to be taken from this is that you, too, can fall in mutual VD if you wait long enough for the hot girl to settle for you.

Welcome back to 1994, the year that Jim Carrey revealed himself as the mischievous god of comedy who would come to rule Darth’s imagination and heart. Oddly enough, this was the same year that Jason was still catering to (not FOR) all the johns of the city. It’s honestly the only reason why he’s able to smoothly incorporate prostitute humor into his Dad Jokes.

The Mask shows us that Stanely Ipkiss was the inspiration for Ted Buckland on Scrubs. Also, Nathan Lane now performs at the Coco Bongo club; he’s basically the Lady Chablis of South Beach.

We normally don’t do what we’re about to do, so pay attention, listeners, and get excited, for we have some historic news. #HindsightIsHorrifying is officially hosting our first male guest! He will be joining us on our next episode to discuss Death Race 2000 as well as our upcoming show in Alpharetta, Much Ado About Nothing. This Shakespearean production is directed by Jason Mitchell, in spite of some promotional misunderstanding.

Now, we understand that some of you simply don’t love us enough to cross oceans for this free show that we’re putting on next week for our parents. That being said, stay tuned to find out where we will be live streaming our Shakespearean production. Aussies, we’re counting on you. Show us that love from Down Under.

Did you know that The Mask and Archer only implement sodomy in the strictest legal definition? Welcome back to the movie description. We felt you guys were getting a little off topic with that Shakespeare nonsense.

Anyway! Working backwards, Artie from Kimmy Schmidt = Lt. Kellaway from The Mask = Boone from Animal House. We knew that would blow your mind up just like a circus balloon shaped by a carnie in a dark alley!

Don’t think we’re letting you get away without the important lessons learned from this movie:

Monogamy is NOT a type of wood.
If you ever hear Darth don a British accent, don’t believe a word she says.
All henchman should have fabulous hair and all FBI agents should hold hands.
Hootie & the Blowfish should never try to rob a bank.
White Fanging is ONLY okay with girlfriends and bosses, not dogs. Who else is going to find your keys OR your cheese?

Lastly, we realize that there was an actual lesson in this movie. Stanley Ipkiss had the courage he needed all along, even without the mask. So if he ever goes looking for his heart’s desire again ... oh wait, he already found it with Tina Carlyle, so he’s all set.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SOMEBODY, STOP ME!

The Mask shows us that Stanely Ipkiss was the inspiration for Ted Buckland on Scrubs. Also, Nathan Lane now performs at the Coco Bongo club; he’s basically the Lady Chablis of South Beach.

Don’t think we’re letting you get away without the important lessons learned from this movie:

Monogamy is NOT a type of wood.
If you ever hear Darth don a British accent, don’t believe a word she says.
All henchman should have fabulous hair and all FBI agents should hold hands.
Hootie & the Blowfish should never try to rob a bank.
White Fanging is ONLY okay with girlfriends and bosses, not dogs. Who else is going to find your keys OR your cheese?

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Previous Episode

012 - Billy Madison

Have you ever felt like the puppy who lost his way? Welcome to Billy Madison.

*Disclaimer: There is NO PROVEN CORRELATION between Adam Sandler movies and cancer*

Get excited for Nudey Magazine Day! In this 1995 classic, we discover that we would have learned so much more in high school if only Chris Farley had been our strip-tease tutor. (Odd how Chris Farley keeps popping up on this show.) Darth and Jason also demand the IMMEDIATE reinstatement of Dodgeball and Red Rover in schools.

Quick question: If a clown falls off a pair of stilts in the middle of a party...does he make a sound? More importantly, does anyone even notice until the song number?

After re-watching Billy Madison, Darth is left wondering if her own first grade teacher used to seize to sitar music while slathering herself with glue. But it’s not a totally bewildering loss, because Jason teaches Darth the invaluable lesson that, if you want to bag you a man, bring him some Snack Pack or Popeyes chicken. Just don’t chase an imaginary penguin around your father’s estate or act like Juanita. Men don’t care for that.

You’ll be excited to learn that we’ll be selling tickets to the Pete Sampras vs. Jason Mitchell/John McEnroe dodgeball fight. Samuel L. Jackson is scheduled to appear. The penguin told us to do this. We WILL NOT, however, be challenging the roller derby chicks because they would beat our asses. Rather, they and all UFC fighters are welcome to attend the dodgeball fight for free, regardless of the state of their ears.

That isn’t to say that Darth is scared of anyone, for her grandma dressed her to defeat the wind.

In case you needed some random information, we’ve got it here:

Jason thinks that ducks look like penises. In case you were wondering.
Snuffleupagus is NOT a Heffalump; stop being racist.
Slap Bracelets are essentially vintage bondage equipment.

Also, Darth can’t actually prove that her dad is alive since his social media is utterly defunct. But Morgan Rodgers is greater than the Infinity Stones. And keep in mind that Darth is anosmic...a girl has no god. So SUCK IT, Thanos.

For those listeners of ours dealing with stress and life in general, just put on some slapdash lipstick, cross someone off your “To Kill List”, and chill out Steve Buscemi style. If you made Steve’s list in the first place, maybe you’ll get to go out like a man with this glorious message on your tombstone: Shot in the ass by Steve Buscemi.

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Next Episode

Death Race 2000 - Episode 0114

Death Race 2000: Try Not to Think About Auto Erotic Asphyxiation.

On this week’s episode, Jason gains gender support from our first male guest, podcast virgin, Adam, who selected one of the most bizarre and fantastic movies that Darth has ever seen. And she remembers the time of VHS!

You might be surprised that Adam was disciplined enough to stay dry during our run of Much Ado About Nothing until Darth and Jason got a hold of him; we’re such a bad influence on our guests. But if we’re going to peer pressure a friend into drinking, we’ll make sure they’re drinking Variant because our product placement is on point.

On a different note, we wouldn’t assume that we’d have to tell you this, listeners, but consider yourselves warned, because In Man vs. Car, the car always wins. This is especially true if two brothers with a strong bond are driving a van over your pathetic fisherman body.

Machine Gun Joe has Bene-real-dick (we’ll see ourselves out). But seriously ladies, remember to keep something sweet in your ear unless you want a swift punch to the face.

With that not-so-subtle nod to a Shakespearean character, we’re expecting ALL of you to attend our show that opens this weekend, May 10, at 7:30 pm in Wills Park. This invite includes all our Aussie friends. You’ve got time; buy a plane ticket.

You listeners have no idea how hard Adam and Darth have been working on this play; they went so far with their characterization that they’re not even sure who they are anymore. If you’re interested in discovering their process, it’s something akin to the Emma Stone method from The Actress. Despite their best efforts as actors, however, Adam and Darth are simply too wise to squanch peaceably.

Also, Jason is the director of the play...or, something. No one really cares.

As always, we can’t let you leave us without some parting wisdom learned from Death Race 2000:

There’s nothing sexier than a man who slowly peels off his pleather gimp suit before making love to you with his 6 Million Dollar Man parts.
Don’t call Adam “Benedict”; he’ll be a real dick about it (once again, we’ll see ourselves out).
It’s never okay to Cosby your navigator. Keep your puddin’ pop in your pants, fellas.

Finally, to all our ladies out there: Improve your three-point-turn if you don’t want to be blown up by a landmine or a “hand grenade”.

Until next time, keep that blood lust pumping.

After all, you can’t earn points without mowing down some infants and geriatrics.

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