A Christmas Story - Episode 01411

12/03/19 • 90 min

A Christmas Story: “I didn’t say ‘fudge’.”

#Hindsighters, by this point you’re well aware that Darth and Jason enjoy ruining your favorite childhood films. To that end, how could the director of Porky’s NOT be responsible for one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time? It’s only natural to graduate from glory holes and move on to what Jason calls “the Shark Week of Christmas.”

On the very first Christmas episode of your favorite podcast, Darth, Jason, and Meg discuss one of the most nostalgic Christmas movies in the history of cinema. On the subject of nostalgia, #Hindsighters, don’t you miss the pre-Internet days of paddle spankings and soap sucking? Asking for a friend.

Despite the fact that Jason is TOTALLY Old Man Parker, your beloved podcasters have no special love for A Christmas Story. They’re lying; everyone and their mom loves this movie. Anyone who says differently is selling something, and it’s probably Ovaltine. Allow Darth and Jason to dispel the inappropriate rumor you’ve all heard about A Christmas Story: Peter Billingsley is NOT an “above average” porn star; however, Scott Schwartz may have dipped his toe into the porn pool. Regardless, don’t allow this to sour your holiday season. You can rest easy knowing that Ralphie never sold his body to the smut industry.

Beyond avoiding a career in porn, A Christmas Story taught us important life lessons:

Never confuse mashed potatoes with asbestos. It’s honestly safer to shoot your eye out with your favorite bb gun.
Sitting on a strange man’s lap is awkward, even when that strange man is Santa Clause.

Haunting your best friend is the only acceptable career option after you die.

Darth and Jason are excited to share this Christmas season with you, #Hindsighters. They wish you the happiest of holidays, filled with “Asian turkey” and Red Ryder bb guns.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A Christmas Story: “I didn’t say ‘fudge’.”

Beyond avoiding a career in porn, A Christmas Story taught us important life lessons:

Never confuse mashed potatoes with asbestos. It’s honestly safer to shoot your eye out with your favorite bb gun.
Sitting on a strange man’s lap is awkward, even when that strange man is Santa Clause.

Haunting your best friend is the only acceptable career option after you die.

Darth and Jason are excited to share this Christmas season with you, #Hindsighters. They wish you the happiest of holidays, filled with “Asian turkey” and Red Ryder bb guns.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Previous Episode

Fire in the Sky - Episode 0140

Fire in the Sky: “They took him.”

Excuse me, waiter? I’d like to order an alien movie, light on the aliens and heavy on the trucker caps.

Prepare yourselves, #Hindsighters. “Old Adam” is back, despite Darth’s vehement protestations. Your favorite podcasters apparently have no other friends. To that end, Darth and Jason have to ask: If someone can’t pass a polygraph, are they worth having as a friend? Regardless, don’t ask Jason or Adam Brown why they might have been acquitted after their own polygraph tests ... they could tell you, but then they’d have to kill you.

Speaking of crimes, it’s always awkward to be accused of your best friend’s murder, especially when he’s a dumbass that you left to die in the woods because he’s attracted to pretty lights. It’s even more awkward when you have to explain this situation to James Garner and his tape recorder. Darth and Jason don’t mean to be harsh, but WHO WALKS TOWARD THE LIGHT?!?

The working theory is that Travis Walton’s Levi’s were so tight that they must have disrupted his brain function. That’s the only explanation for him going full Leeroy Jenkins towards a UFO. The lesson here is that no one wants to be probed by an alien or a parasite, so never go into the woods or a high scale condo alone. If you do find yourself in either environment, avoid wild edibles at all costs.

Darth and Jason pity the foolish alien that attempts to capture any of their Australian listeners, but in the unlikely case that you are abducted, be sure to contact Jason immediately upon your return; he doesn’t wear a bolo, but he will be there to comfort you with a Snickers and some boxer shorts.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Next Episode

Die Hard - Episode 0142

Die Hard: “F****** California...”

Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmers! This week, Darth learned that Die Hard is based on a Roderick Thorpe novel; she also learned that Jason and Adam Brown do a good deal of their podcast research in the bathroom.

Darth would give all the bearer bonds in the world to unlearn this information.

Adam Brown joins Darth and Jason as they continue to celebrate the month of Christmas! In this 80s classic, we join the heroic John McClane as he faces down a murderous potions master and a (nearly) indestructible ballerina. John displays great creative and artistic ability when he decorates a terrorist’s sweater for Christmas before cutting his feet on a ridiculous amount of glass.

Die Hard forces your favorite podcasters to ask: What is it with Christmas movies and ear damage?!? If you don’t suffer partial/permanent hearing loss from loud blanks, then a pharmacist is slapping your ears bloody. Regardless, Christmas movies seem to feature an unusual amount of ear abuse. You may be claiming that Die Hard is not, in fact, a Christmas movie, but it is and you’re wrong.

Regardless of your feelings about Die Hard’s Yuletide qualities, your favorite podcasters care about your safety, #Hindsighters, so remember this helpful tip: When you find yourself in a dangerous hostage situation, be sure to bump some cocaine from your shoulder pad stash before negotiating with your German kidnapper.

That’s not the only lesson to take from this Christmas classic. Upon viewing Die Hard for roughly the billionth time, Darth and Jason determined:

The F word has the most exquisite mouth feel of all swears
Karl is the Jesus of Die Hard
Anyone who hasn’t seen Die Hard is a communist...or a small child. Either way, they need to get their shit together

The final takeaway is that Darth Jader would NEVER leave Bruce Willis for a fancy job or a younger man, but she would absolutely walk barefoot through broken glass to have lunch with Alan Rickman. ‘Cause she’ll work hard...or die trying, girl.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.