Myth: The Key to a Happy Marriage is Low Expectations

04/14/20 • 11 min

A reader reached out to me a few weeks ago. “My husband hasn’t talked to me in 3 days. We had an argument, and he just shut me out. Is that normal? I want to talk about it... but maybe he still needs time to process. Maybe I just need to lower my expectations.” If I had a dollar for every time I had someone talk about how low expectations are the key to a happy marriage, I’d be a very wealthy man. And it’s heartbreaking... Because the idea that the key to happiness is low expectations is a complete myth! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should go out there and develop ridiculously high expectations all around for your relationship. You aren’t always going to agree on everything. Your partner isn’t going to constantly be in a good mood. Sometimes you won’t get to go on vacation when you want, eat at the restaurant you want, or work the job you want. Your partner won’t always be in the mood to do/watch/talk about the exact same thing you want to do/watch/talk about... That’s just silly. Those types of expectations are just resentment waiting to happen. What I’m talking about right now is a study done by . Dr. Baucom found that in marriage, people typically get what they expect. If you’ve got low expectations about how your partner will treat you in your relationship, you will tend to be in relationships where you are treated poorly. If you’ve got high expectations about how you’ll be treated by your partner, you tend to be in a relationship where you are treated well. These expectations matter! So, here are 3 things you should ALWAYS have high expectations for in your relationship: Being Treated with Kindness Even During Conflict Being Treated with Respect Problem Solving As a Team

Previous Episode

How one man saved his marriage by changing himself | Gerritt Bake

Gerritt was working long hours as a police officer. The job was intense and stressful. He’d come home at the end of the day exhausted after a long 13-hour shift, dealing with criminals and paperwork. He’d walk through the door, and it often felt like he was just met with a to-do list from his wife. He could tell his kids were growing more and more distant. Many nights they’d already be asleep when he got home. Then he started hitting up bars after his shift to unwind with a little alcohol. After a while, the alcohol wasn’t enough of an escape. He started getting depressed. So he met with a doctor who gave him some medication... which he abused with the booze. He started working longer hours to avoid going home where he’d have to face his failure as a husband and father. Nothing he did could fill the hole of inadequacy and emptiness he carried around with him. His marriage was falling apart. Eventually he even turned to another woman to give him what he wasn’t getting at home. It didn’t help. In fact, it made things worse. One day after a particularly long shift, he sat in his car in the parking garage and took a look at the gun on his belt... and he wondered if the world would be better without him. It was at that point that Gerritt decided to turn his life around. He decided instead of blaming people, substances, and circumstances for not filling the hole he felt in himself, he would take responsibility for filling it himself. Over several months and years he completely turned his life, and his marriage around. (To hear more about his story, listen to today’s podcast episode embedded above.) The POWERFUL lesson I was left with after I interviewed Gerritt is that the best way to transform your life, or your marriage, is by transforming yourself. The marriage you currently have is the marriage you’ve chosen for yourself. And if you want a different marriage or a different life, all you have to do is start making different choices. It’s so simple, but it’s SO powerful. If Gerritt can dig himself out of addiction, depression, divorce, and suicidal thoughts - and create a life with a vibrant, fulfilling marriage, meaningful work, and a desire to lift up everyone he comes in contact with - imagine what YOU could do if you chose to outgrow your problems! What’s the problem you continue to bump into? The thing that’s standing between you and the life or marriage you want? What’s the thing preventing you from taking that next step forward? How could you approach it differently to maybe get different results? Leave your ideas in the comments!

Next Episode

Pressure Exposes Weakness

“5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 0. All engine running... Liftoff! We have a liftoff!” In the summer of 1969, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldren, and Michael Collins were strapped to the tip of a rocket containing over 500,000 pounds of fuel, staring at the sky. The burners had been lit, and the rocket catapulted them towards a mission that had never been accomplished before: Putting a human on the moon. I can’t imagine what was going on in the astronauts’ minds at that moment. What I do know is that for the years leading up to this mission, the astronauts, and the teams at NASA who built the rockets had been doing something VERY important... pressure-testing. The rockets had to withstand over 7.6 million pounds of thrust without exploding in order for hte launch to be successful. That’s more power than 85 Hoover Dams. So, before the launch ever happened, the teams at NASA would pressure-test them. They would pump the prototypes full of gas or water at insanely high pressures to simulate the pressure created during launch... and they’d look for weaknesses. Pressure exposes weaknesses. This isn’t just a literal principle. It’s also an awesome metaphor. High-pressure situations also expose mental, emotional, physical, and relational weaknesses. (This is why astronauts have such intense training. They try to simulate the chaos that can occur during a rocket launch to strengthen their weaknesses so they don’t panic if something terrible or unexpected happens.) And right now, most of us are under some real pressure! A worldwide pandemic. Social isolation. A suffering economy. Depression and anxiety. Kids out of schools. Family members in possible danger. And if you live in my neck of the woods... earthquakes. *ugh* All of this pressure will expose the weaknesses in your marriage. The arguments, insecurities, tensions, and frustrations you already have will be amplified. If gone unchecked, the pressure can tear your marriage apart. In China, as mandatory lockdowns were lifted a few weeks ago, . But this doesn’t have to be the case for you! If you’re in a difficult spot right now, and it’s being exacerbated by the conditions of the world, you can choose to see this time of high-pressure as a gift. You’re being exposed to your weaknesses. Weaknesses that might have otherwise been invisible to you, or easy to ignore. Now, you get a chance to fix them! You can face them head-on, create a plan, and patch them up before they do irreparable damage. Pressure exposes weaknesses. The pressure isn’t going anywhere for a while. And you get to choose how you deal with it. It can accelerate and amplify the things that are already broken... Or, it can be a gift. If you choose to face it head-on, it can open the door to a marriage far better than you ever could have hoped. What will you choose?