Growth Marriage

The other day I came home from work. I walked in the door and saw my wife on her phone at the table. “Hey honey, how did your day go today?!” She looked up at me with a hurt expression on her face. She told me how she felt judged and micromanaged. She felt like she was failing as a wife. She felt like she could never live up to my expectations. I was speechless. “What the heck are you talking about?” Turns out my wife – along with millions of other humans all over the planet – has a BRUTAL inner critic. And when I asked her how her day had gone, that inner critic took on my voice. When I asked, “How did your day go?” the inner critic translated that into me judgmentally asking her, “Were you productive today? Did you get everything done that you planned? Do you feel good about yourself? Did you live up to your fullest potential?” She felt judged. She felt attacked. She felt like a failure. And immediately her defenses went up. I’ve been a marriage researcher for almost a decade. I teach people regularly that defensiveness and criticism nearly always manifest themselves together. If one partner is overly-critical, the other is often overly-defensive. But only recently did it occur to me that sometimes when we feel criticized by others, it’s really us using other people to reflect our own self-judgment back at ourselves. We seek any opportunity to validate our deepest insecurities of not feeling good enough, loveable enough, ambitious enough, _______ enough. My weakness? Taxes. My wife can bring them up in the sweetest, most sensitive, and non-threatening voice ever, and I often (and almost immediately) interpret it her questions about taxes as, “I’m a failure because I haven’t taken care of this yet. I’m unreliable. I’m incompetent. I’m a disappointment...” That inner critic is out of control. The temptation is to retreat into my fortress and put up my defenses as if my wife was waging emotional warfare on me. Can you relate? Defensiveness is dangerous. It can create an enemy out of an ally in seconds. This is why learning to acknowledge and manage your inner critic is absolutely necessary. It will keep you from going to war with your partner over something that’s completely made up in your head.

Growing up, I believed a horrible lie. I had this idea that when I got married, my life would revolve around my wife, her needs, her wants, and her dreams. And her life would revolve around mine. We would travel together... Pursue hobbies together... Clean the house together... Watch shows together... Raise kids together... Basically, we would do everything together. Neither of us would ever find anyone else attractive. We wouldn’t even have friends of the opposite sex. I would be all she needed. She would be all I needed. It was going to be just me and her... together... against the world. Honestly, it sounded kinda romantic. But now that I’m a little older and wiser, I have learned this “romantic” idea is a recipe for disaster. Here’s why. In order to have a thriving marriage, it requires you to balance the needs of 3 different parties. Your needs. Your partner’s needs. And the needs of your marriage. When you treat your needs, your partner’s needs, and the needs of your marriage as if they are all the same, all the time... someone will end up regularly sacrificing their needs. When this happens, you might start to feel suffocated, or smothered. Or maybe you’ll begin to feel frustrated and resentful. Or you could just lose your identity. Completely forget who you are. This is called Enmeshment. It can feel safe for a while... but eventually it feels terrible. Here’s why. As renowned psychotherapist, Esther Perel says, “Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings.” You need comfort, predictability, stability, and safety. But you also want spontaneity, surprise, mystery, and desire. You want to feel a sense of togetherness, companionship, and connection with the one you love. But you don’t want to feel like a prisoner. And that means, deep down, you need to have some freedom, a sense of independence, and individuality. When your desires, needs, interests, and dreams are sacrificed for, or consumed by your partner’s (or vice versa) you lose something vitally important. You lose half of yourself. You exist in the world (and in your relationship) as an incomplete person. You start to feel your partner’s worries, anxieties, pains, and frustrations as if they were your own. The quality of your life is directly tied to your partner’s moods, struggles, and insecurities. It’s hard to distinguish between what thoughts and emotions are yours... and which ones belong to your partner. It can get confusing and overwhelming. Balancing these opposing needs requires thoughtful effort. To continue Esther Perel’s quote, “Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is a delicate balancing act that we achieve intermittently at best. It requires knowing your partner while remaining open to the unknown, cultivating intimacy that respects privacy. Separateness and togetherness alternate, or proceed in counterpoint. Desire resists confinement, and commitment mustn't swallow freedom whole.”

I’m not much of a sports guy, but I’m LOVE learning about people who are the very best at what they do. So over the last few weeks, I’ve been binging Michael Jordan’s new documentary, “The Last Dance.” In 1993, Jordan retired from Basketball and went to play Double-A baseball. The world was shocked. He was the best player in the world! He had just won 3 NBA Championships! Why wouldn’t he defend his title, and go for a fourth? The world was shocked. Nearly two years later, right as the playoffs were beginning, he came back to his struggling Chicago Bulls team and strapped on his infamous Air Jordans again. The world held its breath. Would MJ be what the Bulls needed to reclaim their title? Nope. The Bulls lost to the Orlando Magic in the second round. In the documentary, MJ says, “I just didn’t have enough time to rebuild my body.” He had the talent to win more championships. He had the work ethic to win more championships. He still had the potential to be the best basketball player in history. But at the time, he’d spent so much time playing a different game (baseball), that he wasn’t prepared to play basketball at the level he needed to play in order to win. He simply lacked some training and conditioning. When I heard him talk about this, something clicked in my brain. I know so many couples who have the potential for greatness! They have the capacity to be world-class lovers, and create epic marriages that make everyone else jealous of how amazing they have it. (You’re probably one of them... no lie.) But they’re not there yet... They’re not currently training to be a champion. Michael Jordan left basketball because he was stressed. He was under immense pressure. He was mourning the loss of his father. He needed a break. Maybe you are living beneath your potential because you’re stressed? Are you overwhelmed? Are you mourning the loss of something or someone? If you’re REALLY honest with yourself, are you distracting yourself from the things that could make you a champion in marriage, or with your family? These are important questions. Here’s why... When MJ lost to the Magic, he looked at his trainer, Tim Grover, and said, “See you at the gym tomorrow.” He decided nothing would come between him and a championship again. He and Tim started training for next year’s goal the very next day. And then... he won 3 NBA Championships in a row, along with three Finals MVP awards, 3 MVP awards, 3 All-Star appearances, 2 All-Star MVPs... and more. Now, I have 3 questions: If you’re not where you want to be in your marriage, do you have the commitment to get there? Do you have a clear game plan to get there? Do you have the right coach or trainer in your corner like Michael Jordan did? Success leaves clues regardless of the discipline. If you’re committed to the right goal, and you take the necessary required actions every day, you will get the results you want. That’s all it takes. If you are interested in doing some “training” with me, . -Nate

Did you know there are TWO types of anxiety? (By the way, there’s a difference between feeling anxious and having an anxiety disorder. This email is about the common, everyday experience of feeling anxious. I just want to make sure we don’t trivialize a mental health disorder that can be really challenging to deal with... ok, onwards.) Your brain creates the feeling of anxiety for two reasons. The first is to prevent you from dying. So, if your brain thinks there’s a tiger in the bushes, or a robber hiding in a dark alley, or if you’re at risk of falling from a great height like this dingus... ... you get a shot of anxiety. Your brain is basically saying, “Hey... you might die. So, exercise some caution here, would ya?” But let’s be real, your life probably isn’t at risk very often. So, 90% of the time the life-and-death anxiety isn’t the type of anxiety you’re experiencing, even though it might feel like it. Most people deal with the OTHER type of anxiety. This second type of anxiety typically hits when you’re stepping outside your comfort zone, pushing your limits, or challenging yourself. It’s the anxiety associated with growth. Remember the first day of school? Ever have to give a big presentation at work? Have you gone back to the gym for the first time in a long break? Need to have that conversation about the budget? Has your partner ever challenged your opinion on something important? You get that rush of adrenaline. Your heart rate increases. You can feel the butterflies in your stomach or tightness in your back. Your sweat glands go into overdrive. That’s ALL Growth Anxiety. It’s your brain saying, “Heeeeey! This is something we haven’t done before! Why didn’t I get notified? Are we ready? Are we SURE we’re not gonna die?” If you push through Growth Anxiety, amazing things happen. Just like an airplane needs wind resistance to create lift... Or your muscles need to experience resistance to grow stronger... The currency you must pay to become a better version of yourself is pushing through the resistance that comes from Growth Anxiety. As you do this, you learn. You evolve. You become stronger and more resilient. One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is confusing Growth Anxiety for keep-you-alive anxiety. Do this and you’ll get stuck. You’ll experience the same problems, arguments, and struggles over and over again. Your life will be full of regrets, unfulfilled dreams, and broken relationships. All this... because you treated a growth experience as if it were going to kill you. Think about what’s causing you anxiety in life. If it’s not going to kill you, ask yourself, “What’s the lesson I need to learn? What’s the growth I need to experience? What can I learn in order to turn the things that are worrying me into things that I can manage with confidence? What did you think of this post? Learn anything? Let me know in the comments...

“My husband and I have been going to therapy off and on for over a decade. We made more progress in our marriage during the Epic Wives Experiment than we ever did during our time in counseling.” Over 500 women have gone through the , and I’ve literally spent hours sitting at my computer overwhelmed with emotion as I read the breakthroughs, testimonials, and transformations experienced by these Epic Wives. So, why does the Epic Wives Experiment work so well? Why are we so good at helping these women get ridiculously awesome results? (At the end of the day, that’s what we all really want, right? Results matter!) Honestly, it’s a combination of things. First, you get to be part of a STELLAR community of women. You’re in the trenches with hundreds of other amazing wives who are committed to leveling up their love. You have a massive cheering section. You have people to bounce ideas off of, and learn from. You have a compassionate group of humans to lift you up when you’re feeling discouraged, or hurt. When you read a relationship book, go to therapy, or listen to a podcast... you’re typically on your own. When you have the support, encouragement, and comradery of a group of amazing women, you’re WAY more likely to stick with your commitments and goals to do better and be better. Second, you have passionate guides who care about your success! If you’ve gone to therapy, you know you get about an hour to discuss your paints, struggles, and issues. Then you create a plan, and a week or two later, you check back in with the therapist ot see how things went. In between appointments, you’re on your own. There’s nobody there to coach you. Nobody to help you stay grounded when things inevitably get tricky. Nobody to help you implement what you’ve learned. In the Epic Wives Experiment, you get access to me and Laura Heck, one of the top Marriage and Family Therapists in the world. We coach you every Monday. We give you specific action items to help you implement what you’ve learned Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Then, we sit with you in a live Q&A on Friday. (For context, we each charge over $100 per hour for individual coaching/therapy... if we have openings) And throughout the week, we are active in the Facebook group, answering questions, encouraging you, celebrating with you, and encouraging you. No other marriage resource provides you an experience like that. For real. Third... you follow a specific path. Learning is addicting. It feels good to learn new tools, strategies, principles, and tactics by reading and listening to books, binging podcasts, or even attending workshops. When you learn something new, you think, “Woah, I’m a better person now.” But the knowledge doesn’t make you better. The application of knowledge is what makes you better. The only way to create transformation is to take action. There’s literally NO other way. But a lot of people get stuck when it comes to implementation. “I get the principle... but how do I put it into practice? Where do I start?” In the Epic Wives Experiment, we’ve developed the path for you. No stressing about what to do next. No wondering “Am I doing this right?” If you trust the process and show up a few minutes every day, and follow the path... you have no choice but to become an Epic Wife! And here’s where it gets crazy... When you change how you show up, it automatically impacts how your partner will show up!!! That’s why every time we’ve done this, we have wives losing their minds when their husbands buy them flowers, turn off ESPN to have meaningful, connecting conversations, or willingly help more around the house without being asked. These are just a few of the reasons the Epic Wives Experiment works. And by “works” I mean gets wives the results they want. . If you show up and do the work, and you don’t get results, I’ll give you your money back! That’s how confident I am that I can help you take your marriage to the next level. Please don’t miss out.