Introducing Melissa, The Co-hostess With The Mostess

09/18/13 • 63 min

Growth Marriage

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

Previous Episode

Women. Religion. And Healthy Sexuality

Religions Preach Virtue... But Do They Do It Right? Most religions throughout the world ask their members to follow a model of sexual purity. The rules and consequences vary in their intensity from church to church, but I believe the overall intention is typically good and pure. However, anything – including good things – if taken to an extreme can be damaging. Self-confidence if taken to an extreme can become self-absorption. An optimist can quickly become unrealistic. Loyalty can become blindness. Honesty can become rudeness. Courage can become recklessness. Virtue and chastity, if taken to an extreme, also possess a dark side. When sexual purity is celebrated, sexuality tends to become demonized. Sex, and even feelings of pleasure, begin to be associated with extreme feelings of guilt and shame. People develop a fear of their own bodies. Misperceptions of Virtue = Bad Sex Unintentionally, we create a culture of unhealthy sexual beings. Religious individuals get married and are so scared of sexual arousal that they don’t have sex for weeks or even months. Or, when they do have sex, it’s associated with guilt and feelings of evil and darkness. Many couples never have good, enjoyable sex because they never explored their own bodies to understand what makes them feel good. Nor do they feel they have a right to feel good. Sexual pleasure has been portrayed as something evil. How sad that something so beautiful, and intimate – when taken to an extreme – can tear an otherwise healthy relationship apart. What Sex Should Be Sex should be something that brings couples together. It is the ultimate act of unity. It is foundation of the creation of family, and the most physical manifestation of love and vulnerability. Good sex requires work, communication, openness, selflessness, and a willingness to be in the moment and experience pleasure. If religious-types want to raise informed and sexually healthy individuals (which I believe most do), it might be time to reframe some of the ways we teach virtue and chastity. The following is a great start, developed by Kristin Hodson and Alisha Worthington, the guests on today’s podcast. If you want to learn more about the BE HEALTHY process, and hear a bit more about how to find a healthy sexual balance for yourself, check out the podcast (at the top of the screen). BE HEALTHY Balance intimacy (physical, spiritual, emotional, sexual – pyramid) Embrace your growth edge (based on trust and Risk not safety) Have realistic expectations on range of experiences (how sex is like dining, good enough sex) Engaging your partner (being deliberate, increase the eros, flirt, desire to desire) Authenticity (be present in your sex—emotions, sensations – wanting to known and be known as you/they are) Learn how your body works and your partners (this also includes knowing your sexual history) Take time and treat it like a skill (schedule it – make it matter) Have conversation and negotiate You know best (sexual agent – trust your experience, not looking to other sources to be experts on you)

Next Episode

Are 3 Wives Better Than One? Love and Polygamy with The Dargers

Most of us monogamous folks have hefty assumptions about plural marriage. Particularly in the case of polygyny (when a man is married to more than one wife), these descriptions aren’t uncommon: Misogynistic. Exploitive. Unethical. Ungodly. Distasteful. Selfish. Sexist. But, how much do you know about it, really? How many of us have actually ever interacted with a polygamous family? (And, no, watching Big Love doesn’t count). Growing up, polygamy was a concept semi-grasped intellectually, but I had no observational understanding of it. In doing my research to prepare for this interview, I came across this very interesting statistic: Globally, in a survey of 1,231 societies, only 186 were monogamous. Among the rest, 588 had frequent polygyny, 453 had occasional polygyny, and 4 practiced polyandry (when one woman is married to more than one husband at a time). (Source: Ethnographic Atlas) ...That means only about 15% of societies are monogamous. This statistic alone raises a plethora of questions: Is polygamy the human tendency? Is monogamy the reason for our high rate of divorce in America? Are the reasons for polygamy around the world primarily economic? What does the Bible have to say about all of this? Is it more unnatural to be married to multiple people...or to one? There are so many more, and this interview only covers the very tip of the iceberg. But, what I can tell you about my experience during the interview is this: The Darger family had some of the most interesting things to say about love and marriage. Any assumptions I had going into it completely melted away within moments of sitting down with them. We were greeted with open arms and hearts. The husband, Joe Darger, said, “I feel undeserving of these three women.” The wives, while admitting to struggles with jealousy, seemed to love not just their husband—but also one another. I listened to the pitter patter of their children’s happy feet in the background (they have 26 kids in total, with 16 still living with them), and felt their warmth toward one another. Polygamy is, perhaps, uncommon and frowned upon by most Americans. But, it is also misunderstood. While my heart still desires a loving, monogamous relationship, I now have a deeper understanding of polygamy—and why some people choose it. No matter what your stance on the topic, give this podcast a listen. If you take away from it what I did, you’ll come out of this episode with an appreciation of people who love differently than you—and a richer knowledge of what it means to love big, communicate well, and honor the commitment of marriage.