5 Questions for Your Weekly Marriage Meeting

01/19/21 • 14 min

Do you have a hard time thinking of things to talk about on your date night other than coordinating logistics, and kids? Are there conversations you avoid, and conflicts that have gone unresolved for too long? Do you feel like you and your partner are drifting apart and turning into that boring couple you swore you’d never be? Well, it’s probably because you’re not having a weekly Marriage Meeting. A Marriage Meeting is like a Staff Meeting. It’s an opportunity to connect, talk about logistics, calendars, and budgets. It’s also a chance to check the pulse of your relationship. How are things going? What’s going well? What can you improve on. Couples who don’t have regular, effective marriage meetings typically drift apart from each other over time and end up stuck in Roommate Syndrome... or worse. I want to make your Marriage Meetings easy for you. So, here are 5 things you should talk about with your partner every week during your “State of the Union.” 1. Gratitudes A good marriage meeting is one that doesn’t leave either partner dreading the next week’s meeting. So, one of your goals should always be to focus on the positive. That’s why I like to start every Marriage Meeting by expressing gratitude. What are the things your partner did for you this week that made your life easier? What are some of the “expected” things they do that you haven’t acknowledged them for recently? When did you see them at their best? What attitudes, behaviors, and words they said meant the most to you over the last week? Acknowledge them for these things. Not only will it help you feel more attraction and fondness towards your partner, but it will condition you both to always be on the lookout for the good things instead of slipping into the trap we are all susceptible to... only seeing the bad. 2. Celebrations After you’ve expressed gratitude, spend a few minutes celebrating your wins both inside and outside your marriage. Did you handle conflict better than you have in the past? Celebrate!Did you complete a big project at work? Call it out! Were you consistent with a fitness or nutrition goal? Revel in that victory with your partner! Your life is full of wins, both large and small. Acknowledging them... and even celebrating them is a great way to cultivate a strong bond with your partner. Who doesn’t want to be married to their biggest cheerleader? 3. Plans Logistics are boring, but they’re necessary to talk about when you share a life and a family with someone. If you’ve never done Marriage Meetings before, I’d advice that you initially try to keep this part of the conversation short... especially if one of you is reluctant to have this weekly meeting, or maybe they tend to default to a highly emotionally reactive. Go over your calendars together. Make sure all the important stuff is taken care of. Plan your date (or decide who’s planning it this week). As you get better at having a weekly Marriage Meeting, you can start talking about things like finances, or retirement, or checking in on bigger goals like saving for vacations, or paying off your house. 4. Improvements It’s important to talk about how your marriage can be better. But unless you’ve created a high degree of trust in your relationship, giving each other “feedback” isn’t going to go well. That’s why I recommend people who are new to the Marriage Meeting to skip this phase entirely for the first few months. When you’re ready to start talking about how to improve things in your marriage, be careful not to fall into the common trap of defensiveness. Defensiveness is an instinctual response we all have to when we feel like we’re under attack. So, the goal here is to avoid “attacking” our partner. (Or doing anything that could be perceived as being an attack, a criticism, or an affront on their character.) Complaining about what went wrong in the past is easy. But it’s not very helpful or effective! When you’re talking about “improvements” in your marriage, try to stay future-facing. Ask your partner for things that can help them be better next week, instead of dragging them through all their failures of the last week. Ask your partner what you could do to be a better partner for them in the future instead of how you let them down in the past. Talk about what you will do to handle conflict better in the future rather than trying to rehash who was right and who was wrong during that fight a few days ago. You can’t change the past... But you CAN change the future. And focusing your attention on what you can control will help you and your partner avoid getting defensive... and your Marriage Meetings will be FAR more enjoyable. 5. Affection After you’ve gone through all these steps, make sure you end your Marriage Meeting with some sort of meaningful physical affection. Some couples share a long hug, or a passionate kiss. Some have a special best-friends handshake. Some make love to each other. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you take some time to physical...

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Why The Communication In Your Marriage Sucks

I talk to couples every single day about their relationships. When I ask them what their biggest struggle is, 9/10 of ten they say, “Communication!” “We keep having the same fights over and over again.” “My partner just gets so defensive. We literally can’t talk about anything.” “We just don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt anymore.” Most people THINK the solution is to learn new communication skills. To follow scripts like, “When you do _______, I feel ______.” But most of the time, tactics like this don’t work... Because you don’t have a communication skills problem. Think about it for a second... Do you have a friend, family member, or coworker in your life with whom you don’t have these “communication problems?” Is there someone you talk to on the regular that doesn’t take everything you say out of context, or turn everything into an argument? For most people I talk to, there is. And if you have someone like that in your life, you probably have all the “skills” you need to be a relatively effective communicator. (Though there’s always room for improvement.) What most people don’t understand is that effective communication in a relationship is built on a strong foundation. And if that foundation is weak, you communicate poorly with the other person. If the foundation is strong, you tend to have an easy time sharing your thoughts and feelings with the other person. The foundation I’m talking about is your friendship. When I say the word “friendship” I’m not talking about knowing someone for a long time, or having some shared memories together. I’m talking about something very specific. A strong “Foundation of Friendship” consists of 3 pillars: I know you I like you I have your back I guarantee that if you think of the person with whom you communicate well, all three of these pillars are strong. And if your communication is struggling in your marriage, one of these pillars is weak. Let’s break them down for a moment. I Know You “I know you,” means I know what you have going on in your life. Your worries, fears, desires, goals, dreams, likes, dislikes, stressors, victories, and defeats... The reality of marriage is that at the beginning, it’s fun to learn about your partner. They are the source of all this newness, excitement, and intrigue. But the more time we spend with them, the more comfortable we become... and we lose our curiosity. Couple that with the fact that life gets busy. Family, work, hobbies, friends, and all the demands that we have on our time makes it really hard to stay tuned-in to our partner’s life. It’s not uncommon for couples to “drift apart,” then wake up a few years later and realize “” Here are some signs that your “I Know You” pillar might be weak: You spend the majority of your time talking about logistics and/or kids instead of connecting, laughin, or flirting If you had to buy your partner a present that would delight them right now, you’d have no clue what to get them You can’t think of anything to say on You can’t name your partner’s best friends You don’t know what your partner’s #1 stressor is right now You don’t know what recent accomplishments your partner is proud of I Like You “I like you” means I enjoy spending time with you. I think you’re a pretty great human. I see the goodness you add to my life. When you like your partner, your eyes light up when they walk into the room. You get excited to spend time with them, or tell them about your day. You make plans to be together, and you laugh at each others jokes. When couples have a strong “I Know You” and a strong “I Have Your Back” but a weak “I Like You”, they often say things like, “Let’s stay together for the kids.” They make a decent team. They have some shared goals. But they don’t spend more time tolerating each other than enjoying each other’s company. Here are some signs that your “I Like You” pillar is weak: There’s lots of eye-rolling and exasperated sighs If you’re kissing, it’s only quick pecks. There aren’t many passionate makeouts. Date nights are few and far between You regularly complain about your partner to friends, family, or coworkers You’ve got some major resentment built up Your partner gets offended or defensive whenever you bring up an issue or area for improvement I Have Your Back “I’ve Got Your Back” is all about trust. Can I count on you? Will you follow through on your promises and commitments? Will you be there when I need you most? Can I be certain that you won’t take advantage of me? You can’t have a strong foundation for any relationship without trust. And without trust, you lose any shot at good communication, because you’ll always be second-guessing if what you’re saying or hearing is reliable. If your “I Have Your Back” is weak: You say/hear things like, “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.” You or your partner are emotional time bombs waiting to go off. (You can’t share anything difficult.) Promises don’t carry any weight or value anymore You feel lonely in your relati...

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3 Reasons Why You’re Feeling Burned Out

Are you feeling burned out in your marriage? Are you constantly stressed and overwhelmed? Are you exhausted all the time? Are you feeling lonely and depressed? Maybe you’re growing resentful of your partner. You might be secretly asking yourself, “Did I marry the right person?” Or wondering how long your marriage will last if nothing changes. If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. Every day I talk to people who are on the verge of burnout. They’re desperate for a change. Most people on the verge of burnout trend to blame their partner or other circumstances for their misery. “If they’d just put in some effort, things would be different...” But the actual reason for burnout is seldom a partner’s neglect. Typically burnout can be attributed to one of three causes. If you address the actual causes of burnout, the relationship tends to heal and improve. Couples start to reconnect, play, and flirt with each other again. It’s like the relationship takes on a new life. Want to know what the three common causes of burnout are that I see? 1. The Foundation of Friendship is Weak Your relationship is built on a foundation of friendship consisting of 3 pillars: I Know You I Like You I Have Your Back When you and your partner get busy with life, and consumed with other responsibilities... Or you stop having fun together and expressing gratitude for one another... Or you stop keeping promises to each other, and things like criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt creep into your marriage... Your relationship starts draining you. When the amount of time, energy, and effort you put into your relationship always exceeds what you get out of it, you’ll eventually run out of steam, and your desire to contribute to the marriage will disappear. Keeping your foundation strong is absolutely essential if you want to avoid burning out. 2. You’re Not Setting Or Maintaining Clear Boundaries are meant to protect the things that are most important to you, like your time, your relationships, your energy, your attention. They create clarity around what you are responsible for, and what you’re not responsible for, like a fence around a home. Some signs that you’re not good with boundaries are: You sometimes feel resentful towards people you typically care about You tolerate disrespectful or unkind behavior at the expense of your own well being You feel frustrated that you spend so much time with people or on projects that aren't a priority for you You feel responsible when other people are angry, upset, unkind, anxious, or sad... You blame other people when you are angry, upset, unkind, anxious or sad You sometimes use manipulation, passive-aggression, or guilt-tripping to get what you want When people are constantly steamrolling you, taking advantage of your kindness and generosity, and you never give yourself permission to recharge... you are going to get burned out. Learning to say “No” to things that are urgent but not a priority is key to developing appropriate boundaries. 3. You’ve Lost Touch With Your Core Values determine what’s important to you and why. They guide you through conflict, and set your conscience on fire when they’re being ignored. When you make decisions that conflict with your core values, it will unsettle you, or even make you angry or resentful without even realizing it. Everyone’s core values are unique, and if you’re not clear what yours are, you will find yourself feeling aimless, and feeling constantly “off.” Some signs that you might not be living in alignment with your Core Values are: Family or friends ever tell you, "you're so hard on yourself" You feel like your life lacks purpose other than taking care of everyone else’s needs You have a hard time making decisions... even small ones that don’t seem to matter You feel like you’ve lost touch with who you truly are You sometimes feel like you lack self confidence? You resent others who seem to have a clear direction or “mission” for their lives? Two reasons people lose touch with their core values... The first is that most people never take the time to figure out what their core values are in the first place. Brené Brown says, “We cannot live [our core values] if we don't know them and name them.” The second is that they mistake a role they value for a core value that defines their identity. It’s common to see this with mothers. They have children and take on the role of a mother. The role consumes them and becomes their identity. Then, when their role changes and the kids no longer need them, they have an identity crisis. They have spent so much time defining themselves by a role they filled that they lost track of their core values... the things that make up their identity. Living out of alignment with your core values will make you feel exhausted, and like you’re living a life without meaning. Why Are Your Burned Out? So, now that you know the main causes of burnout... which one do you identify with? Clarity is power, and when...