Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

*With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this lin...

1 Listener

ERP 001: Turning Confusion Into Clarity (When You Are Feeling Stuck In Your Relationship)

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

02/05/15 • 30 min

If you have ever felt confused in your relationship, this episode offers a 5 step process to gain more clarity. This process will help if you are feeling confused about a small issue or if you are feeling confused about a bigger concern in your relationship.

Over the many years of working with clients with relationship concerns, especially with my individual clients, they often express feeling confused about how to resolve concerns in their relationship and even feel confused about whether they should continue in the relationship.

More often than not, clients get stuck in this confused place - going back and forth - for weeks or even sometimes years. Usually, this confusion is an attempt to avoid dealing with the real genuine feelings underlying the concern.

Here are 5 steps to consider:

1. Create the Space: Take time and give yourself permission to feel, drop in to your experience. Take an honest heartfelt look at your experience.

2. Feel your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel. Be open and real with yourself. Notice and follow the lead of your emotion. An emotion usually has a beginning, middle, and an end. If you allow the process to flow, you will usually get to a place of understanding, learning, and/or insight.

3. Encourage the Process: Stay with the process. If you identify a feeling, stay curious. Ask yourself, “Is there more?” or “Tell me more.” Have inquiry and wonder about your experience, “What is not working?” and “What am I wanting?”

4. Support: Be gentle with yourself. Set aside the critical voice. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, afraid, and vulnerable. Consider what would be supportive for you (i.e. time in nature, alone time, taking a bath, time with a friend). Trust there will be good that comes from the process.

5. Learning: As mentioned in #2, if you stay with the process, with a curious and present approach, you will probably get to a new awareness, understanding, or perspective. This will offer you a learning of some sort and possibly a next step. You do not have to figure out or be responsible for knowing how to work it all out. The goal is to know more about yourself and your underlying needs or desires.

I would love to hear from you. Please let me know if you have any questions. You can leave me a voice message, by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here.

Thank you. ❤

1 Listener

ERP 285: How To Mend A Relationship After An Affair - An Interview With Dr Jeanne Michele

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

09/14/21 • 55 min

On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, I welcome Dr. Jeanne Michele, who gives her valuable insights into strengthening a relationship after an affair. We discuss the landscape of long-term intimacy, why the challenges we face can help us discover opportunities for personal and relational growth, and how we engage and co-create with our significant other in that relationship growth.

Dr. Jeanne shares her experience of where disconnect can occur in relationships when we withhold our feelings and how we can avoid getting to that stage with our partner. We dive into what kind of changes people can make in their relationships to rebuild trust after infidelity and how to initiate courageous conversations to create positive impact. Opening ourselves up emotionally can make us feel vulnerable, but it is vital to move past hurt and pain into a connected future.

Dr. Jeanne Michele designs and delivers personalized programs to men, women, and couples to help them create lives, relationships, and business partnerships that thrive. She is passionate about helping people create extraordinary relationships and lives. Her work immediately addresses crises, such as infidelity, grief, and lack of life direction, as well as the day-to-day challenges faced by couples and individuals seeking love, recovering from heartache, and those seeking greater clarity in their home and business lives. Individuals and couples experiencing a love or identity crisis find that working with Dr. Jeanne provides immediate relief and gives them the tools to create lasting change.

In this episode:

06:52 What made Dr. Jeanne turn towards the issue and challenge of infidelity in relationships

09:52 What rebuilding trust and forging new connections can look like after infidelity — and how having those courageous conversations can be challenging after deal-breaker situations

12:11 Shining a light on a deficiency or discontent in a relationship can expose issues that need to be addressed and explored.

14:45 The three fundamental needs that should be fulfilled in a relationship

18:03 Why it’s helpful to highlight the masculine dynamic and historical development when discussing the underlying causes of emotional connections or affairs outside the primary bond

31:07 Understanding the feminine need to be seen and to be validated and the inner conflict that comes when boundaries are crossed

34:39 Dr. Jeannie gives her tips on specific language to use when starting a courageous conversation about potential infidelity with a partner and why having those conversations can have a long term beneficial impact

37:46 Why baring yourself honestly and authentically helps you to connect with your spouse

41:15 Why courageous conversations and even relational-emotional hygiene help build trust in a relationship

44:43 How Dr. Jeanne supports couples to do the repair work and navigate the journey of recovering from an injury like infidelity

48:45 How to connect with Dr. Jeanne Michele and download her free ebook

Mentioned

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Email:

ERP 281: How To Use The 6th Love Language In Your Relationship

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

08/17/21 • 42 min

Knowing your partner’s love language can offer positive outcomes in your relationship. The five love languages describe the different ways that romantic partners express and experience love. Oftentimes, the act of love that we’re willing to give is connected with our dominant language. Although it’s strenuous to match your partner’s especially in the early stages of your relationship, it can be achieved with practice and commitment to the process.

The practice of the 6th love language in your relationship is also pivotal to you and your partner's optimal living and real functioning. Taking time for one's self or self-care should not be viewed as a partial or total absence of engagement in the relationship. Here’s why. Today’s episode discusses how you can apply and cultivate the benefits of the 6th love language in your relationship to be more present, more available, and have more opportunities to engage in an authentic relationship with your partner.

In this episode:

04:19 Gary Chapman’s five love languages — words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts — neatly package an individual’s preferred care style. Everyone has a primary love language that’s related to what they hope to receive from their partner.

11:03 The 6th love language — space — is an act of deep love and care where you give/ask your partner for space. This sense of space or solitude may come in the forms of physical or relational distance where a person takes time to contemplate, process, and feel one’s own truth.

12:47 Introverts and highly sensitive people value this love language more than others due to their absorbing nature. This allows them time to reflect, process, and be comfortable in their own company.

18:18 Emotional disconnect in relationships occurs when someone has mistakenly picked up on their partner’s non-verbal cues. To counteract this, revealing conversations that aim to articulate or educate both sides’ wants are necessary.

23:41 In times of conflict, men may benefit more from the 6th love language as they need a moment to breathe and process things before actively engaging with their partner. However, the difference in gender lies in the ability to name and articulate the concern.

28:53 On Jessica’s personal relationship: How the practice of revealing conversations and the 6th love language have sustained their healthy marriage

Mentioned

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button

ERP 262: How Do I Know When My Relationship Has Reached An End

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

04/06/21 • 43 min

In today's episode, I will offer some input on what you want to be considering if you are doubting or questioning your relationship. Evaluating the choice to stay or go will matter depending on your commitment level, if you are dating or if you are in a long-term committed relationship or marriage.

Overall, it is tough to give a prescriptive answer that will fit everyone. Some standard deal-breakers make being in a relationship impossible or too harmful and painful such as abuse, addiction, or affairs.

Other times, we may experience nuances that make it difficult to be clear about "should I stay or should I go." It is confusing when we get into trying to compare other people's experiences to our own. One situation may mean two completely different things in different relationships.

The majority of the time, when I am helping couples work with their pain, conflict, upset, discord, I see how they are both playing into the problematic dynamic. The dynamic of the relationship is usually the source of disconnect between a couple.

Listen in to learn how to improve your current relationship, dating traps you can fall into, and how to figure out what is a real dealbreaker for you with your boundaries and values.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)

In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:

Common deal breakers in relationships
Commitment level in relationship makes a difference when evaluating the relationship
How to get clear about what you are experiencing in relationship
When personal protection and defenses gets in the way of connecting in a relationship
Limits and boundaries during dating
Dating traps to avoid when seeking a healthy relationship
How fantasy bonds can cloud decision making
Learning about your boundaries and sense of value
How to get clear on what you want in a relationship
Warning signs for your relationship, which can be wake-up calls if you do the work

Mentioned

How to Break Free from CoDependency Episode 260
How to Strengthen your Relationship from a Polyvagal Perspective - an Interview with Dr. Stephen Porges Episode 261

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Podcast:https://www.marisatcohen.com/book.html

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

ERP 228: How To See Relationship As A Spiritual Teacher - An Interview with Allana Pratt

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

08/11/20 • 43 min

Bio:

Allana Pratt is an intimacy expert, relationship coach, author of 6 books, and the host of the edgy podcast “Intimate Conversations.”

Allana offers private, group and online coaching programs for singles and couples to help her clients develop a healthy, intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)

In this episode, Allana Pratt and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:

How our partner will mirror our work.
How to see our partner as our master spiritual teacher.
The power of taking ownership and offering an apology that lands.
How to become the one to awaken the one.
The process of growth and integration versus bypassing our wounded parts.
How we get transparency by giving transparency.
Tips for couples connection. Presencing together as a couple.
A dyad date night exercise for intimacy. Tune into one another and keep asking the question, be open and curious.

"All hearts when they are wounded close." — Allana Pratt

Mentioned:

Finding ‘The One’ is Bullsh*t: Becoming ‘The One’ is Brilliant & Beautiful, by Allana Pratt
Jennifer Jimenez Vibrant Healthy Living
David Deangelo

Connect with Allana Pratt:

Website: AllanaPratt.com

Podcast: Intimate Conversations

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachallanapratt

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/AlanaPratt?sub_confirmation=1

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com

Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Four

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

12/16/17 • 48 min

In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled “Masters Of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith

The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, “kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.”

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.

25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (16-20) 16. ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER’S PERSPECTIVE.

In relationship, people want to feel heard, understood, respected, and validated. This is especially true during conflict or a difference of opinion. Often partners will go around and around explaining themselves over and over in an attempt to feel understood. When they don’t feel heard and understood, voices raise, conflict escalates and disconnect increases.

Amazing shifts occur when partners can take the time to not only hear their partner’s words, but truly listen... not only comprehend their partner’s issue, but to understand it deeply.

You do not have to agree with your partner to understand and entertain their perspective.

A big key in being able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes is to slow down. So often, we feel a sense of urgency and we want to rush through the conflict as quickly as possible. However, this generally causes more problems.

When partners can see the validity in each other’s experience, they begin to work together and their conflictual dynamic dramatically improves. Letting your partner know that you get why they feel the way they do or how their perspective makes sense (even if you don’t agree) helps them feel seen, heard, acknowledged and respected.

When both partners feel understood, acknowledged, and respected, they can collaborate more easily to work towards creative solutions.

If you need more practice with this, consider checking out this article or some of my podcasts about conflict.

17. EMPATHIZE AND APOLOGIZE.

Offer sincere empathy when you take your partner’s perspective. When you imagine what it is like for them as they describe their experience, attune to their emotional world. Try to understand what they have been feeling or better yet imagine what you would feel if you were in the same scenario, exactly as they described it.

Brené Brown has done so much to teach us about the power of empathy and human connection. I still recommend her TED Talks and RSA animated shorts (see below for links).

Empathy can be conveyed in a few simple words or even through your nonverbal expressions and gestures (i.e. body posture and facial expressions).

The goal is to be present with your partner’s pain and not turn away. Be willing to “feel with” your partner.

Empathy helps people feel accepted and connected, rather than feeling shame and alone. A little bit of empathy can go a long way in building an emotional bond and sense of togetherness.

Apologies are where we acknowledge how our ways have impacted our partner and maybe even admit fault. Yet, many people have a hard time getting to this place because they feel defensive and protective. Apologies are easier when we drop the ball. We know we messed up and we can easily apologize. An apology is much harder when you had no intention to hurt your partner. Even harder still is apologizing when you feel that your actions were justified. In this case, it may be an apology for a specific part of the interaction.

“I am sorry I reacted.”
“I am sorry I got defensive.”
“I am sorry I hurt your feelings.”

18. ACKNOWLEDGE PLACES YOU AND YOUR PARTNER AGREE.

As I mentioned before, negative emotions carry a lot of weight. Hence, this is why John Gottman recommends the 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, as it takes 5 positives to counteract the 1 negative interaction.

In the business sector, it is common for customer service representatives to get more negative feedback than positive. Generally, people will complain about a concern, but they will not comment about their positive experiences. This is also true in relation...

ERP 131: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Five

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

12/24/17 • 41 min

In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled “Masters Of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days.

25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (16-20) 21. BE INCLUSIVE.

In relationship, we can drift into being a little more self-focused. Over time the relationship can become one-sided, in that one partner dominants the decision making.

How do you and your partner make decisions? Do you make unilateral decisions or do you solicit your partner’s input and feedback?

If you are the more assertive one in the relationship, perhaps take a little more time to include your partner in the decision making process. Consider their needs, values, and preferences AND take time to understand the importance of what those things mean to them. Most likely their interest have a particular significance to them, and when we don’t take time to learn more we could be missing a great opportunity.

Ask their opinion. What do you think?
Let them know you value their perspective and thoughts.
Include them in conversation and activities.

22. HAVE YOUR PARTNER’S BACK.

How can you work together as a stronger team? This takes time, practice, and trust to develop. We all have our unique strengths and weaknesses.

Maybe together, you and your partner can look at your collective efforts and how you can compliment each other and have each others’ back.

We all go through phases and seasons, maybe it be worth considering how to help more, if your partner is struggling. Is there a way you can offer to make your partner’s life easier and take something off their plate?

Another way of having your partner’s back is to take your partner’s side when they’re upset about something outside the relationship. This means being supportive even if you think they’re being unreasonable.

23. PUT YOUR PARTNER FIRST.

Putting your partner first may be harder for people who have children and/or busy careers. However, many times I have seen clients feel hurt or insecure with how their partner does not prioritize their needs and preferences. This is especially true for the natural giver and pleaser in the relationship.

From time to time, prioritize your partner’s needs first. Help your partner feel important and cared about. Instead of putting work or the children first, put their needs first. Help them feel special.

When you walk in the door, hug them first.
Make their favorite dinner.
Do something they want to do. Share in an activity they enjoy.

24. PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE INSTEAD OF CONTROL.

Respect your partner’s choices and preferences. Give space for your partner to be who they are.

To alleviate anxiety, stress, and fear, it is common to want to control your partner as a source of relief.

Offering acceptance to your partner helps create a feeling of unconditional regard, where your partner can let their guard down and feel okay to just be.

25. APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE

In the article “Masters Of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith quotes John Gottman “There’s a habit of mind that the masters have, which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

Look for the good.
Focus on your partner’s positive attributes.
Intentionally appreciate your relationship and your partner.

Your mindset and focus will greatly influence how you treat your partner. By choosing to attend to the positive aspects of your relationship, by recalling good memories, or your partner’s strengths, you will add positive energy into your dynamic.

When negativity arises, notice what is ...

ERP 332: Healing From Abuse In Relationship — An Interview With Dr. Amelia Kelley

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

08/09/22 • 48 min

Making the choice to leave an abusive relationship can be one of the most difficult things a person has to do. Without the right resources and support, it would be hard to move on even after you have cut your ties with your abuser.

Being in an abusive relationship causes you to constantly pay more attention to your surroundings than is necessary. So, in this episode, Dr. Amelia Kelley discusses some useful techniques for managing feelings of anxiety, depression, and hypervigilance, as well as how to retrain your body to feel secure in any situation.

Dr. Amelia Kelley is a trauma-informed therapist who has conducted research on the effects of exercise on ADHD symptoms as well as the effects of resiliency on PTSD. She is a trained hypnotherapist, art therapist, HSP Therapist, EMDR-informed therapist, and meditation and yoga teacher. She is a presenter and writer in the “science-help” field, focusing on relationships, highly sensitive people, trauma, motivation, healthy living, and adult ADHD. She is a guest podcast presenter focusing on women’s issues and coping with the trauma of unhealthy relationships, as well as a coach and trainer for SAS's Work/Life Program in Cary, NC, and a resident trainer for the NC Art Therapy Institute. Her practice is also currently part of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium at the Kinsey Institute.

In this episode

7:18 How to rediscover yourself and rebuild your self-confidence after an abusive relationship.

20:32 Managing feelings of anxiety, stress, and hypervigilance.

40:43 Useful strategies for beginning self-healing.

43:04 A summary of her book, What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship and the narrative that inspired it.

Mentioned

What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)

What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship (*Instagram)

High Heels and Heartache Podcast (*Apple podcast)

ERP 321: How to Tell the Difference Between an Abusive Relationship & a Toxic Dynamic — An Interview with Dr. Amelia Kelley

Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love

Connect with Amelia Kelley

Websites: ameliakelley.com — insighttimer.com/kelleycounseling

Facebook: facebook.com/DrAmeliaKelley/

Twitter: twitter.com/DrAmeliaKelley

Instagram: instagram.com/drameliakelley/

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website:

ERP 283: How To Heal From An Abusive Relationship - An Interview With Triptta Butkovich

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

08/31/21 • 42 min

A narcissistic personality operates in a way that drains its partner’s emotional, mental, or financial health. During the course of this toxic and abusive relationship, the victim would voluntarily give up their sense of self and boundaries. They would’ve even gone into the state of cognitive dissonance by not actively recognizing their own values in the hopes of pleasing somebody else.

After 16 years of living as a victim of narcissistic abuse, Triptta realized only she could change her situation. She went on doing recovery work to regain that sense of self and rediscover her personal boundaries. Although it’s difficult to go through the healing process, she believes that doing so opens opportunities for a better, healthier partnership and parenthood.

Triptta Neb Butkovich is the founder of DesignYou, a company that helps you discover how to take back your power and learn to love yourself again. Her mission is to provide a safe and open environment for victims of narcissistic and emotional abuse, to help them learn to value themselves and begin to enjoy healthy relationships again.

In this episode:

08:32 Unlike those with narcissistic personality disorder, people with narcissistic tendencies can connect with others emotionally.

11:56 A narcissist's survival lies in their way of being. They use their relationships as "supplies" to feel better about themselves.

16:49 Narcissists typically don't change. While it's possible to empathize and sympathize with them, the partner should look into building their own sense of self and setting boundaries in their relationship.

21:14 How Triptta goes about building her sense of self after being abused for so long

24:59 The need to dissolve the relationship depends on whether or not someone has the disorder. Although this doesn't apply to those with narcissistic tendencies, their partner has yet to do some inner processing by reflecting on the following questions: Who am I today? What are my values today? What are the boundaries that I've given up for myself?

29:54 The healing journey using a multi-layered, three-pronged approach on the body, mind, and soul

33:33 How practicing your personal boundaries and decision making aligns with your values and legacy statement

36:24 How to get in touch with Triptta

39:15 Self-healing or doing the recovery work gives an ability to co-create healing with a partner and creates a ripple effect by being an inspiration to children or the community

Mentioned

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Twitter: @DrJessHiggins

Website: drjessicahiggins.com