Dadvengers Podcast

***Trigger Warning*** – In this episode we discuss topics that may be triggering for some listeners, namely miscarriage. If you are affected by any of the subjects in this episode you can find support here.

Ortis Deley is a radio DJ, actor and tv presenter, best known as the host of the Gadget Show But his most important job is as a dad to two young children!

In this episode, Ortis tells us about waiting until he was 43 to become a dad. He wanted to feel ready for parenthood – but becoming a dad wasn’t as easy as he and his wife had hoped. It wasn't until they'd experienced three miscarriages that they were able to find support from a specialist doctor. Families experiencing miscarriage often don't get to talk about it as much as they might need. It is a topic that can be hard to hear and talk about. But Ortis hopes to help other families who have been through, or are going through, the same thing.

We also talk about his children with a healthy understanding of how the world will view them because they’re black, and ensuring they have the tools to help them navigate this from a young age.

We’re so grateful to Ortis for joining us and sharing his experiences. This is a brilliant episode every parent needs to hear.

Time Codes

2:05 – "I became a dad at 43... The fear didn’t really creep in until we were at home!" - Ortis on becoming a parent.

7:46 – “My dad was the disciplinarian... I have never heard him say I love you, but I know that he does."

Ortis' relationship with his dad.

14:06 – “I am raising kids who will be categorised, classed and hemmed in." - Ortis on raising his children to be aware of the prejudices they may face in life.

18:15 – “My daughter is 6 and my son is 3. It is important my kids are aware they'll be treated differently because of how they look." - How Ortis also educates his children about race.

23:58 – “Trying not to be my dad when it comes to discipline is a lot harder than I thought it would be!" - What Ortis finds difficult about parenting.

26:24 – “Being a parent ain’t easy and my wife is always encouraging me to apologise to our children. To let them know that it’s OK to make a mistake." - Why apologising to our kids is so important.

36:06 – “Rachel and I had three miscarriages... nothing prepares you for that." - Ortis shares his experience with miscarriage.

40:33 – “A friend told us about a miscarriage specialist... that treatment resulted in Phoenix." - Ortis on the treatment that led to them having their children,

42:38 - "It is healthy to cry, and it is healthy to talk. There wasn’t anything bottled up." - How Ortis and his wife have coped with their experiences.

44:30 – "More people should be made aware of its potential... and that there are more ways to help." -why we should talk about miscarriage more.

46:39 - "I also hope that anyone going through it, or has been through it, knows somebody they can share the burden with." - The importance of talking and getting support.

48:37 - "Phoenix brought happiness from the ashes of three miscarriages... Quincey means, number 5, he was our fifth pregnancy!" - The significance of Ortis' children's names.

55:41 – Ortis’ dad superpower.

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Rickie is a TV and radio presenter, currently hosting a daytime show on BBC Radio 1. He also co-hosts his own podcast and most importantly – is a dad!

As a young man Rickie always knew he wanted to be a dad one day, and he became a one to Lola at 32. However, in the back of his mind he knew this relationship wasn’t working out. He soon became a single parent and had to navigate co-parenting with a young baby. This wasn’t always easy but as you will hear he found a way to make it work!

Later in Life Rickie met his now partner, Nat, who also had a daughter of a similar age to Lola. Previous experiences have meant he's settled into the role of stepdad to Dusty and loves it! In this ep, he tells us about how they blended their families and why is it so important to him to ensure both girls are equally included.

Happy to extend their family further they have since added baby Cruz into the mix!

It’s great to hear from a dad who is both a biological and step parent and hear more about the joys and complexities of blended family life!

Huge thanks to Rickie for sharing his story with us 💙

Time Codes

3:00 – “My family was really solid". - Rickie on his family life growing up

5:38 - "When I found out we were having a baby, I wanted to make it work... but ultimately I needed to be happy." - Why Rickie became a single parent to Lola

10:47 - "Get rid of the ego... this isn't about you, it is about the child." - Rickie shares how he and Lola's mum created a positive co-parenting relationship

14:04 - "Having to share her with somebody is hard... but he is great"- Accepting another parental figure in Lola's life.

18:06 - "My dad is very emotionally closed,... I see a lot of him in my behaviour." - Rickie on his relationship with his own dad and patterns we learn from our parents!

21:30 - "Once it sunk in, she got a bit jealous. She had her whole life of never having to share me" - Introducing a new partner into his life with Lola.

26:05 - "I am not here to be anything other than what Dusty wants me to be" - Rickie on his role as a step-dad.

30:28 - "Dusty is going to see that show as well and there is no mention of her... I thought how I would feel if I was Dusty, it really hurt me." - How Rickie works to ensure both his daughters are always included in his life, publicly and privately.

34:34 – "I feel like that is one of my strengths..." - Rickie on his strength's as a dad.

37:15 – "I don’t ever want anybody to feel like left out, or isolated... I am part of that" - Rickie on talking to his extended family about all of his kids!

40:50 - "100% it is different... ! I say to her, we have each other don’t feel you have to do this by yourself." - Rickie tells us his feelings on becoming a parent again, and sharing the load with your partner!

45:00 – "Never say never, but I don’t think I’m ever having another baby after this... I’m good!" - Why this is Rickie's last child... for now!!

46:54 - "They grow so quickly, this time around I want to miss as little as possible with Cruz". - Why Rickie isn't keen on leaving his son overnight!

54:24 - Rickie's Dad Superpower

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This week Nigel is joined by the music producer, musician and father, Olugbenga Adelekan.

As a musician, Olugbenga does a lot of travelling. Despite this he was ready for parenthood but when his son Ravi was diagnosed with a brain tumour at age 7, his parenting journey took a turn. The tumour was removed but that surgery has left Ravi with lasting symptoms. Olugbenga as any parent would, found this time hard. Listen as we find out exactly how he has coped.

We're also joined by a special guest in the episode... Olugbenga's wife, Bethan, who shares another perspective of this thought provoking and inspirational story.

In 2022 to mark the first anniversary of Ravi's surgery, they worked with some world renowned musicians to record a song, which they released to raise money for Brainstrust and the Brain Tumour Charity.

The single has raised over £89,000 so far, and the total is still climbing!

Thanks to Olugbenga and Bethan for joining us 💙

Time Codes

2:24 - "My wife understands the industry... choosing to be in a relationship with a musician she knew this moment would come" - Olugbenga on being a musician and becoming a father.

06:58 - "They are old enough to come out to some of the shows now and see what I do... they see some of it is actually pretty boring!" - How Olugbenga shares his work with his family!

11:05 - "It is difficult at the moment to get him to see that his sister is 4 and he is 7 so we can’t parent them in the same way" - How parenting two children of different ages has it's challenges!

13:41 - "The day of the MRI that evening I got a phone call from the consultant... The scan showed a growth, they said you need to take him to the hospital immediately." - Finding out Ravi had a brain tumour.

17:48 - "It isn’t necessarily rational but we felt we should have noticed something serious was up sooner." - How the feelings of guilt have affected Olugbenga.

20:21 - "One of the things they did say was “you need to be strong for your family”... They’re still very old school!" - Olugbenga's family reactions to his son's tumour.

23:19 - "As I got older, I learnt to not act out so much. The way that manifests itself is not showing my emotions so much." - How Olugbenga's childhood taught him to hold in his emotions.

26:50 - "We’ve been open with him about the aspects of his care that we found angering and frustrating. We come out and talk about it." - How Olugbenga supports Ravi with his feelings around his tumour.

29:42 - "Knowing that his tumour is going to affect the rest of his life... there’s been a grieving for what we thought his future was going to look like before." - The feelings of grief that come with having a child with a serious illness.

24:04 - "We have just started family therapy with Ravi..." - How Olugbenga and his wife are supporting Ravi with his feelings around the tumour and the changes in his life.

34:04 - "Bethan and I have dealt with this in different ways... she is more emotionally expressive" - The differences between Olugbenga and his wife!

40:30 - "We have just hit past £70,000. The goal is to raise a quarter of a million pounds. The charity’s we’re raising money for really helped us" - Olugbenga tells us about Ravi's brilliant charity single.

44:03 - "There’s a dad who has really supported us... It would be great for other people to know it is there too." - Why raising awareness of these charities is so important to Olugbenga.

45:31 - Olugbenga's Dad Superpower... in fact, he picks two!!

47:48 - We’re joined by Bethan, Olugbenga’s wife, who shares her side of their story!

51:31 - “How can he express that to Ravi, that is what Ravi needs... it is also what Olugbenga needs” - Why family therapy is so important for them all.

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Josh Connolly is making waves in the mental health world. He is one of the UK's most influential mental health advocates and has spoken in the House of Commons, to help shape mental health policy, but life didn’t start there.

Josh grew up in a household with an alcoholic parent, which had a massive impact on his life. He remembers a lot of feelings of fear and shame and by the time he was 12 Josh was using alcohol.

Cut to 24 and Josh was a dad to four children and separated from their mum. That's when he realised he needed to stop drinking. He joined a 12 step programme and got sober, but all the emotions he'd been suppressing came back.

Hearing Josh's story of going from a dark, deep depression, to using his experiences to help other people is truly inspirational. We're so grateful to Josh for joining us 💙

Time Codes

1:51 – " I grew up in quite a frightening environment... one that was steeped in a lot of shame" - Josh shares his upbringing.

4:47 - "When people were telling me to be brave, I think they were terrified of the feelings I needed to express." - Why trying to fix our children's emotions is more difficult than trying to help them.

10:10 - "I have to notice how regularly I can’t be there emotionally for my children and what brings that up." - Josh tells us how he ensures he is there for his children.

15:02 - "Our common belief is men don’t do them... they do them, in a space where they feel it is acceptable and safe" - Josh on men and showing emotions.

18:58 - "It was a terribly dark place for me, but when I made the decision it felt like the right thing to do" - Josh tells us about planning to take his own life, and what stopped him doing it.

23:55 - "I made a commitment to myself to be as gut level honest with myself and the people around me as I could" - What helped Josh seek support when he was at his lowest.

26:48 - "I am a compulsive people pleaser... It is a coping, protection mechanism, but it keeps me alone." - Josh tells us how his childhood still impacts him.

30:12 - "I remember vividly with my first daughter... I thought was you need to get as far away from me as you possibly can, there is no way I can show up for you in the way that you need" - What scared Josh the most when he became a father,

35:18 - "Regrets is different to blame... I was doing the best with the tools that I had at that time." - How Josh reflects on his mental health issues.

38:36 - "Since the time I nearly took my own life... the main bulk of the work I had to do was learn that the ways I felt made sense." - Josh on healing from his childhood and moving forward.

40:49 - "We launched a campaign because we realised that there has never been any funding for children of parents affected by a parents drinking" - Josh's work with NACOA

44:13 - "It is more strange in our society for me to be a sober dad than it was a drunk one." - How society views being sober over drinking as a parent.

46:31 - "Those moments of total presence with my kids is what I live for... they’re beautiful." - Josh's favourite part about parenting, and how he achieves it.

49:56 - Josh's Dad Superpower!

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Dadvengers Podcast Episode 31 - Rory Crawford

Rory Crawford is a CBeebies presenter, a marine conservationist, and also a nature enthusiast. But most of all he is a loving father of 2 children. Rory is doing it all!

In this episode we hear how Rory grew up in a family with both his parents, and some brilliant strong male role models around him, and he shares how they shaped him into the man, and father, he is today!

He also talks all about the ridiculous paternity leave system in the UK, why there shouldn't be a bottle vs. breast feeding debate, and the thing that scares Rory most bringing children up in the current climate.

This great episode touches on so many important topics – it’s one you really don’t want to miss.

Huge thanks to Rory for joining us and being a brilliant guest!

Time Codes

01:30 – "Everyone's got a podcast now Nigel - but I jumped in and I loved it." - Rory on why he is a fan of the Podcast!

06:50 - “It was a charmed childhood. And kind of old school. My dad worked and mum stayed at home raising us kids.” - Rory talks about his childhood in Glasgow.

07:54 - “My dad worked in health promotion. I grew up wearing t-shirts from his campaigns. Like don’t dance with drugs!” - Rory tells us about his dad's job, and his interesting wardrobe as a kid!

13:51 – “My dad is most proud of us being principled people. If we believe in something... we stand up and say something.” - Rory also tells us what his dad is most proud of in his children.

19:56 - "Getting that language has only become more common in the past 10-5 years. To understand trauma and feel ok to talk about it” - Rory on the positive changes happening in talking about mental health.

24:50 – “Going from one to two is more than twice as hard... you don’t expect it!” - Rory on the change from having one, to two children,

30:03 – “Some of it is mindset. If you’re prepared and calmer... invariably that helps”. - Rory on handling tricky conversations with his kids.

32:56 – “I knew how it felt to be hit and feel scared... It also had some affect in me deciding not to do that.” - Rory tells us why he's strongly against smacking his own kids.

35:08 – "You come in with an impression that breastfeeding is the most natural thing you can do. But it isn’t that straightforward.” - Rory tells us why they hybrid fed their first child and the stigma around it.

42:31 – “It is utterly preposterous and it is not enough time. It doesn’t recognise the benefits of having two parents around to support and work together.” - Rory on the UK’s Paternity Leave.

47:08 – “It can feel like Armageddon... for me that is the big thing that I worry about”. - What worries Rory most about the environmental crisis.

52:51 – “The main thing is to feel passion about it – for children it is inbuilt”. How Rory teaches his kids about the importance of looking after the planet.

57:22 – “The moments I find are golden in parenting are when you see them acting in a way with someone else.” - Rory shares the moments knows he is getting parenting right!

58:40 – Rory's dad superpower.

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