What Keeping Secrets Does to Your Brain

04/16/20 • 8 min

Secrets. We all have them.

One of our clients recently had to let an executive go for non-performance reasons. The tricky part was the executive was well-loved in the organization and a large number of the employees reported up through his department. Prior to the termination, my client had to, of course, keep a secret of it. He had to self-censor, to watch what he said to whom and when. He had to be careful not to reveal the secret when long-term plans were discussed that the to-be-terminated executive would not be a part of it.

At times our client felt anxious, a little depressed, obsessively thought about it and felt inauthentic since he had to wait for the right timing to proceed with the termination.He also felt isolated.

You’ve had to keep a secret before... how did it make you feel?

The True Cost of Keeping A Secret—it’s Not What You Think

New research now reveals the truth behind secrets—and it’s not what you’d expect. First, 97% of people have one or more secrets at any given time. But most common is 13 secrets per person... whoa! Secrets included workplace secrets like pending terminations or promotions, personal life secrets like surprise parties, dark or controversial family secrets, you name it. And secrets have different categories, including simple preferences (maybe you really don’t like your mother-in-law’s casserole but pretend you do) to full-out breaches of trust, like infidelity or even embezzlement.

So what does keeping a secret do to your brain? Here are the 2 biggest problems I see (and notice the research backs them too):

Damages your well-being – think back to my client above. The energy it took to resist, to self-censor, the rumination (the repetitive thinking about it), the anxiety and depression in anticipating what would happen when the secret would be revealed, all took an enormous toll on him. His emotional resilience was reduced significantly and he noticed he was more irritable. He wasn’t sleeping as well, so he was experiencing what we call REM rip-off, which negatively impacted his behavior further.
Damages your focus and decision-making – when you’re distracted by a secret you aren’t fully present. Then your cognitive biases will likely take over and you’ll have less behavioral choice. You may be telling yourself scary stories instead of being able to reframe what’s happening and how you feel. To make matters worse, you’re out of rapport with yourself, too.

Since you’re experiencing the opposite of being mindful, here’s what’s happening in your brain:

your amygdala is on overdrive (irritability, quick to drop into fight/flight/freeze),
your hippocampus is compromised due to the stress of excessive cortisol which then cause excessive cytokines, so learning, memory, and immune system are compromised,
and last your pre-frontal cortex is likely offline a great deal since you’re in Critter State so your ability to communicate, collaborate, innovate–basically be your personal best–is down the tubes.

So what to do?

Reveal Your Secret To A Trusted Source

Secrets. We all have them.

You’ve had to keep a secret before... how did it make you feel?

The True Cost of Keeping A Secret—it’s Not What You Think

So what does keeping a secret do to your brain? Here are the 2 biggest problems I see (and notice the research backs them too):

Damages your well-being – think back to my client above. The energy it took to resist, to self-censor, the rumination (the repetitive thinking about it), the anxiety and depression in anticipating what would happen when the secret would be revealed, all took an enormous toll on him. His emotional resilience was reduced significantly and he noticed he was more irritable. He wasn’t sleeping as well, so he was experiencing what we call REM rip-off, which negatively impacted his behavior further.
Damages your focus and decision-making – when you’re distracted by a secret you aren’t fully present. Then your cognitive biases will likely take over and you’ll have less behavioral choice. You may be telling yourself scary stories instead of being able to reframe what’s happening and how you feel. To make matters worse, you’re out of rapport with yourself, too.

Since you’re experiencing the opposite of being mindful, here’s what’s happening in your brain:

your amygdala is on overdrive (irritability, quick to drop into fight/flight/freeze),
your hippocampus is compromised due to the stress of excessive cortisol which then cause excessive cytokines, so learning, memory, and immune system are compromised,
and last your pre-frontal cortex is likely offline a great deal since you’re in Critter State so your ability to communicate, collaborate, innovate–basically be your personal best–is down the tubes.

So what to do?

Reveal Your Secret To A Trusted Source

Previous Episode

Stressed At Work? 4 Fun Ways Leveraging Neuroscience Can Help

Stressed?

Grumpy?

Need to lighten up?

Our brains need passion, play, and release at work. They’re essential to keeping us emotionally connected and engaged, to feel part of the tribe, to blow off steam, to create shared experiences. As a leadership and culture coach, I repeatedly find that our clients who implement the four tips I’m about to share have more productive and profitable workplaces... oh, and people have more fun and are more loyal too.

Here are four ways to have more fun at work, with the brain in mind:

1-Create games or contests for your company values. One of my clients had a mini-golf tournament, right in the office. Employees navigated treacherous obstacles like the copy machine, the reception area, the lunchroom, and more. Each hole was a plastic cup with a company value on it. Once an employee hit the ball into the hole they had to pause and tell others nearby a short story about what the value meant to them and how they had seen others at the firm model it. Focusing on your company values and how everyone connects to the greater good will release oxytocin (the bonding hormone). In addition, dopamine (a key neurotransmitter behind reward-motivated behaviors) will be released due to the competitive nature of the game.

2-Share community service experiences. Think back on the most powerful memories you have. They’re powerful because they are emotional—whether inspiring and uplifting or challenging with some struggle/trauma. Giving money to charities is cool, but donating time is far more emotional. You get your hands in there. Your brain is firing visual, auditory, and kinesthetic cues as you’re seeing, hearing, and feeling things in your environment as you volunteer. Seeing and hearing positive things (smiles, words of appreciation) make us feel good, releasing both serotonin and oxytocin into our systems. Also, we’re doing something meaningful together, which is fostering safety, belonging and mattering.

3-Take a 20-minute nap. Seriously, a short nap of this length (or shorter—not longer!) will give your brain some time in SWS (Slow Wave Sleep) which is deep and physically rejuvenating. The reason you want to stop at 20 minutes is that it’s the ultimate amount to benefit you immediately —a longer time will cause your brain to go too deeply into SWS and you’ll have a hard time waking up, and will likely feel groggy. And you will miss the immediate benefit too. Most of us aren’t getting enough sleep. The evidence is the amount of irritability, excessive focus on the negative/inability to see the positive/glass half empty/general crabbiness and less ability to enjoy life. Don’t rip off your Hippocampus and Anterior Cingulate Cortex (part of the Prefrontal Cortex where creativity, planning, problem-solving, innovation reside)—these key parts of your brain regulate your emotions. Then your Amygdala becomes overactive (since the emotional brakes aren’t on) and you’re more grumpy, unhappy and prone to only remember the negative.

4-Clear the air if the emotional smog has gotten too thick. To paraphrase Wayne Dyer “when we change the things we look at, the things we look at change”. When we’re focused on the pain or problem, it’s hard to get to the solution. We get stuck. As leaders, it’s our job to help people shift out of challenging, ineffective or painful emotional states in the workplace. We do it respectfully, and we do it together. One tool our clients love, especially right now amidst the government shutdown, is Maneuvers of Consciousness.

The Net-Net

We can help people feel good at work easily by understanding some basics about the brain
We need passion, play, and release at work
Guiding people out of painful/ineffective/challe...

Next Episode

The Three Essential Agreements Every Team Needs

Ambiguous or unspoken agreements often cause pain.

Lots of it.

This is why more and more organizations are creating agreements for expectations of one another. These aren’t employment agreements—these are behavioral agreements. These agreements, or codes of conduct, help an employee both be easy to manage as well as to bring their personal best.

As a Leadership and Culture Coach, I’m often asked by leaders to “change their people.” They want their team to care more, be more present, more accountable, have greater ownership of their thinking, or have greater performance in a specific area. They think they have a sales problem, an operations problem, an attention-to-detail problem, a whatever-you-want-to-call-it problem. But they don’t. They have only one type of problem.

A Leadership Problem.

They aren’t leading their team or the individual’s on their teams to the desired behaviors. And this brings us back to understanding the expectations of one’s behavior, and also, of course, the attention and investment that leaders make in cultivating their team.

If an individual isn’t performing well, look to their leader.

If an individual is dissatisfied with their job, look to their leader

If an individual is feeling disengaged, look to their leader.

Chances are good their leader isn’t investing in them. But wait a sec—doesn’t the individual have to participate too? Yes, we’re all in this together. Let’s get clear on each person’s role in the system.

There are 3 Jobs All Leaders and Employees Have. Let’s talk about who owns what.

Job #1: Foster Engagement Continuously

Leader’s Job:

Make sure the employee understands the organization’s mission, vision, values and how they connect to them
Model the mission, vision, values every single day, and talk about them, and praise people for honoring them in their behavior
Provide an Impact Description for each role so everyone knows how they support the mission, vision, values and how they contribute to the organization
Pay attention to your people and give them feedback

Employee’s Job:

Understand the company’s mission, vision, values and how you connect to them
Be a role model of at least three of the values (let’s assume there are 5-6)
Bring ideas for how to improve things, solve problems, reduce stress to your leader
If any of the above are unclear, ask your leader for help
Give your leader feedback to help them grow their engagement

Job #2: Optimize Execution and Results

Leader’s Job:

Prioritize and explain why we’re doing what and when and the impact it has for us all
Help the team understand how to do it if they get stuck and encourage them to seek input
Optimize High Value-Added Activities, minimize Low Value-Added Activities
Understand and communicate dependencies, contingencies, and needle movers so all are clear—all need to know what could interrupt execution and how to navigate around it and prevent it
Keep the communication flowing so everyone can do their best work
Note the meta-programs and SBM triggers of your colleagues and team, and communicate in them during stressful times

Employee’s Job:

Think things through, be proactive to ensure priorities are clear
Be present in your interactions to save everyone time and ensure things are done right the first time
Understand the outcomes your team and leader want and when, and how they align with your organization’s outcomes and those of other teams so contingencies and dependencies are navigated effectively
If progress toward outcomes isn’t happening, or if anything’s unclear, ask your leader for help
If your leader isn’t clearly prioritizing,