Alexa Z Meditates - Your Life, But Better

We work hard to develop a meditation and mindfulness practice, but where do you see the benefits playing out? If you don't see benefits, then you won't keep practicing. If you limit your interests to just one thing, then you are missing the magic of the practice. It's ok if you are practicing for symptom relief, but I want more for you. I hope the symptoms pass, but don't ignore the rest of the magic. Each week for the remainder of March, I will pick one topic to deep dive and give you a bit of homework, or shall I say a direction to follow for the week.

In today's episode, I am going to concentrate on a topic that is critical to your relationships, happiness, good decision making, and many other positive aspects of your wellbeing. This giant elephant is called communication. You may think you are already great at it, but I guarantee you can always be better, and you can always use your skills to help others better communicators.

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If over four weeks I can get you to notice four separate things that make a difference in your life, then you will be four weeks closer to you never wanting to miss a day of meditation and mindfulness again!

This morning I met a man who, when he found out I teach meditation he said: "I try to meditate, but after a week I seem to lose my steam, I start feeling calmer, and then I forget to do it." If I had a dollar for every person that said that to me, I would be a millionaire. We started discussing other aspects of life that can change by being more mindful and communication popped into my mind because that was precisely what I found the two of us doing well, talking! We had never met, he spoke, I listened with my full attention and then he spoke and did the same. Sounds pretty mundane right? Well, it isn't. Most people are horrible communicators.

We speak, wanting to be heard and get irritated when we don't think we are being listened to. We think of our response before the other person has even finished their sentence, and eye contact seems to be a thing of the past. TV on behind the person? Phone text going off? Maybe you're slowly even walking away while listening or looking at the clock? You know I am right.

Where does mindfulness come into play? Our meditation strengthens our muscles of focus, awareness, and compassion. Now let's use that muscle to pay attention this week to our actions in the realm of listening.

1. Listen – I mean really listen. Make a choice right now to listen to someone today. Hell, pick one person or one time. Start small. I don't care.
2. Be Fully Present– this is a big one. You chose to listen, now commit to the activity. Put all else aside, no mind wandering, no multi-tasking. We want to prove we can do it and see the benefits of what excellent communication can do, and a bonus is that you will get more done because you will probably have only ONE conversation with an actual outcome, and you can move on! Each time you notice your mind wandering, bring your attention to your breath. Just observe your breath for even a second, and you will ground yourself back in the conversation.
3. Stop Judging- Amid a world of racial bias that appears to be recently exacerbated by the Corona Virus, I think this is super important. How often do you get a call or have an employee walk in, and immediately you think, "oh, not this again or geez this person is clueless? It's not right, right? But we still do it. This week, drop the judgment toward the person you are communicating with AND toward yourself. Just be nice, super-duper, uber generous and nice. That's another added benefit of mindfulness. It makes you a nicer person!
4. Reacting – Since you are now choosing to listen, be present and not judge, take a little time to notice if you are reacting. Let's go real slow. Significant others wants you to do the dishes because you are pretty darn pig-like and never do the dishes, a fact not judgment. As they are requesting your assistance, notice if you are already reacting in your brain. I worked all day, I am exhausted, and we have a deal, I don't do dishes. STOP, notice you are reacting and really listen. See if you hear something that you haven't heard before. Just chill out and continue with steps one through three. See what happens. Open up and see the conversation with a wide-angle lens!

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

Try this exercise once a day, even if it is when the barista is giving you your coffee.

If you want to try a more formal practice, you can do one that I have learned many times in the corporate world. From 20 years ago to 20 minutes ago, this one is very common but very profound.

Pick someone to practice with and choose a time limit, say 2 minutes.

One person talks (I don't care about what), and the other listens without interrupting, leading the conversation, no questions, no influence: Max – a head nod....

Intro

In today's episode, I am going to shed a little light on emotional intelligence. You might think you don't need to listen to this episode because you know all about it, you might have even read Daniel Goleman's book, Emotional Intelligence. Hold tight! I am here to talk about how meditation can improve your emotional intelligence, why we should always enhance emotional intelligence, and how it can make you a better person and a better leader. Increasing your emotional intelligence is just one more magical gift that meditation can offer.

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Hey there, Alexa Z here! Before we jump into the topic of mindfulness, meditation, and emotional intelligence, I would like you to take a moment and check-in with yourself. Ask yourself, what are my emotions and feelings right now. When I work with children, I ask, "What's the weather today?" For example, sometimes, I feel stormy and sunny at the same time, as though my weather is a bit oxymoronic. Hold on to your thoughts on what your emotions are right now, and I will talk about them again a little bit later. If you have read Daniel Goleman's book on emotional intelligence, you may have some knowledge about this topic.

I personally like to keep it simple. There are excellent reasons why we need emotional intelligence. Usually, you hear about emotional intelligence with leadership. Everyone should be a good leader, whether you are a leader in a company or your family, or merely making your way through life. Imagine if you could not perceive that an employee or a family member, or your friend, is frustrated or upset. Imagine if you could not tune in to what others are feeling, and you are unable to connect with them. Research calls tuning in to another's emotions as emotional intelligence. Research also indicates that emotional intelligence is what differentiates great leaders from average leaders.

In Daniel Goleman's book, he includes a study that involved approximately 200 executives. The study found that their emotional intelligence, also known as EQ or emotional quotient, was twice as relevant to performance compared to their IQ. and their technical abilities.

Approximately 70% of the time, people with high emotional intelligence can outperform and attain superior leadership positions at a faster pace than those who have a high IQ and technical abilities.

I have always been fascinated by emotional intelligence. I am relatively smart, but I do not have a stellar IQ. There are some aspects I can't change about myself. But, I can improve my emotional intelligence. Not only can I develop my emotional intelligence, but I must continuously work on it. Your IQ stays the same, the way you learned in the past is the same way you learn today; it does not change. Your personality doesn't really change. I always say that I am an introvert hiding in an extroverts body. That won't change.

Emotional intelligence continually comes up when I teach meditation. One of the first things I ask is, what are your desires to meditate, and what was one thing that brought you here to learn how to meditate? Very often, the response I hear is to stop being so emotional and to stop being reactive. I also understand their to desire to balance their emotions, logic, and reasoning.

At the beginning of this episode, I asked how you were feeling. You likely had to pause for a minute and think about it. It's not easy to tune into your own emotions. Those who can tune in to their feelings are excellent leaders because they also can easily tune into the feelings of those around them. For example, if I am in tune with my emotions and feelings, I can easily tune in to the emotions and feelings of perhaps an employee I am meeting. I can use what I have learned about my employee's feelings and emotions to determine my actions; I want my actions to have the most significant outcome and success for myself and my employees. The act of properly using your emotional brain isn't only applicable to your employees; it applies to your family, your friends, and everyone you come in contact with. Tuning in to your feelings and those around isn't as easy as it sounds. Our emotions are coming at us so fast that it seems that they do not travel through our brain in a logical order. We can fix this!

What are emotions? Emotions are a neurological response to very strong stimuli. Your rational brain needs to catch up to your feelings. As your emotions are coming through your brainstem and entering your brain, we need to differentiate and discriminate amongst those feelings before they get to our executive prefrontal cortex, before we react.

In meditation, we are helping our brain to become more aware of our feelings and emotions; and also our bodies. The more we meditate, the better we are at discriminating and tuning in to our own and others' emotions resulting in more rational thinking and deci...

In today's episode, I am going to address a topic that might make you feel a bit uncomfortable. I like to call it, "Well, what the heck am I going to do now?" There is no way around it, life is going to look different soon, and like me, you may be rethinking life a bit. If you are working, maybe it doesn't feel right; if you are not working, perhaps you don't want to go back to the job you were in, or you want the way you live your daily life to look a bit different. How does meditation help you dig through all of this muck? There are many ways, and without meditation, I may be sitting here crying instead of plotting about how I can thrive and not just survive. No meditation won't solve all of your problems, but it may help a lot more than you think.

Hey there, Alexa Z here. It's been a while since I sat down to write a podcast. One month and a few weeks to be not exact, and I was not happy about the break. Truthfully, I was pissed at myself because I vowed for one year not to miss a week, and well, crap happened. My husband told me I should stop being so hard on myself. My Coach told me not to write until it was in me to write. Well here we are and it feels great! On March 16th my Spa closed due to COVID, my twenty employees were temporarily laid off and blah blah blah, life changed. The worst part is that at this moment I have NO idea what comes next. I know that we will reopen one day, but I don't know what day or even if clients will come back, but I can't just give up, right? Well, I guess I could, but according to my inner compass, that is not an option.

The inner compass, you ask? You know that part of you deep inside that knows the answer to just about everything. But you thought you just heard me say that I have no idea what will happen, so how can my inner self know the answer. Well, the quieter I become, the more it speaks to me. I have responsibilities to my family, my creditors, and my employees, I can't just rollover. But I can start imagining, without fear, but with a more playful attitude. What could change? Big things, little things, something I can control in a world that appears to be taking away all of my control?

Did you ever hear a friend say, "just put it out to the universe, the answer will come." I am here to say that it is a total bunch of BS unless you give the universe a bit of help. Don't be lazy, keep moving, drink from the fire hose of life, and see what new flavor may be in store for you.

Or perhaps George Bernard Shaw put it more eloquently, "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

What have you learned during this quarantine? Or what have you learned by deciding not to learn? The easiest way to describe something is through a story, and mine is the one I know best, so maybe you can relate. I started thinking about another career, yup, because CPA, Massage Therapist, Spa Owner, Meditation Teacher wasn't quite enough right now. I was a bit forced since once we reopen, my paycheck will probably stay in the uncashed pile for quite a while. However, that wasn't really why. The real reason was I had the time to think about what I was missing in life, and I was shocked to find that I missed using my old brain. The part of my mind that used to crunch numbers and keep finances all nice and tidy for people. Now, wait, this isn't all about work and money; it's about how you want to spend your time.

PS - I am writing this from Maine, where my husband and I now realize that we want to grow old someday. See personal stuff for me, too, not all biz. But that will be another episode!

Take a moment and close your eyes, take a long, slow inhale, and a slow complete exhale. Do it two more times. Now breathe normally and bring to mind an experience or better yet a feeling that made you feel great, or perhaps made you say ah-ha, I forgot how good that felt. Once the world is back to the new normal, will these experiences/feelings end? Maybe, that is up to you.

Back to my story, which yes, is connected to work, but it is relating to my ah-ha.

Once we were mandated to close, I had to apply for disaster relief loans, grants, and anything else I could find, even before I understood it all. You can't let the grass grow under your feet in times like this. Get the money fast before it is gone. Then get it and wonder what to do with it, possibly give it back. The funniest thing was, I found myself enjoying applying for them. I enjoyed reading all the rules that changed every day, and it didn't even make me mad. I found the whole process quite fascinating. I loved explaining it to other small businesses. Then I would go back to the reality that I was filling them out for MY business that after 17 years might fail, and then I would cry a lot. Come on; this isn't all rainbows and unicorns.

How to stop crying and forge ahead with a clear mind and an open heart? Medi...

We live in a society where social media is steering our subconscious. Driving us towards what we think we should be doing, and often that has nothing to do with what we want to be doing. Everyone on Instagram is playing at the beach because the thermometer has barely hit 65 (although it's only the beginning of March, and it should be snowing. You think, oh my god, I better get outside and enjoy this magnificent weather because, well, it may never come again. But in reality, you had a hectic week, you are exhausted, and you were looking forward to a fireplace and a book. So, turn up the air-conditioning, light a fire and get your darn book. Last I checked, you are in charge of your life.

In this episode, I am going to shed some light on the art and glory of saying no. Why does this have anything to do with meditation, you ask? Well, thanks for asking because it has heaps to do with it. And the answer comes from deep inside the most incredible work of art, which is you. However, this beautiful place seems to get often smothered underneath perhaps: lack of confidence, a desire to please, a fear of being judged, a need to be appreciated, a "Fear of Missing Out" (FOMO).

By the end of this brief episode, you are going to want to run out the door and say no to everything that does not fit the blueprint of the life you want to create. And this my friend creates, JOMO. The "Joy of Missing Out."

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Hey there, Alexa Z here, and thank you for saying yes to listening to this podcast when you easily could have said no. And since it was easy, I ask that that you quickly hit subscribe to this to keep me going. Then at that time, a podcast drops; you will know about it and can easily say yes or no to listening! It's all up to you. No guilt!

How many times have you said yes to something and then lamented over why you said yes? So much so that you find yourself making up lies to get out of whatever you answered yes to and then living with the guilt of the lie. And 99% of the time, no one would care if you said no.

Just as fears are something we learn, saying yes to everything can become a learned habit. We are programmed starting from when we are very young that NO is an inappropriate or rude answer. Eat your broccoli, NO, share your toys, NO. It just isn't the right answer. But saying yes to things when you wanted to say no can cause so much angst. Why bother?

Think of a time you said yes instead of no and asked yourself why? Then ask it a few more times.

For example, my friends want to go to a concert in NYC, and I said yes, but I wish I said no.

• Why? Because I don't have enough money.
  • But you really don't want them to know that.
• Why? Because I don't make as much money as they do.
  • I don't want to be judged regarding my career choice.
• Why? Because I love my career, but they don't understand?
• Why? Because I feel like they will judge me.
• Why? Because all my life I have been judged, my mother always said I wasn't good enough.

Do you see where I am going with this? There are things deep inside us that keep us from listening to what sometimes can be a straightforward question. My executive coach taught me this "Yum or Yuck?"

Sometimes it is that easy, and here is where meditation can help.

Here is a true story: Wanting to be more vulnerable. Talk about the guy who didn't want to go on the golf trip. Meditation made him feel, clear, confident, and nonreactive, and he said NO and was so happy.

What about people who have restricted diets or maybe are on a diet?

Did you ever hear the comedian John Mulaney do the bit on canceling plans? It goes something like this:

"It's so much easier not to do things than to do things. It's 100% easier not to do things and so much fun not to do things, especially when you were supposed to do them.

In terms of instant relief canceling plans is like heroin - instant joy.

Kids don't like that - they say awwwwww we didn't do anything all day.

Did you ever as an adult what they did over the weekend, and they said they didn't do anything, and their face lights up!"

Although funny, this is pretty spot on. But it's hard. Meditation and mindfulness give us space to build our inner voice, our inner courage because it helps us be more comfortable being ourselves. For example, in a self-inquiry meditation, we ask ourselves a question such as "who am I" and be comfortable just sitting with the question without even answering it." We are building courage through listening to our inner wisdom and intuition.

There is nothing more satisfying then saying exactly what we want to say without question and without worrying about the outcome.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don'...

In today's episode, we will be discussing a very important topic that is near and dear to me, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and anxiety in our youth. I am lucky enough to have Katie Tolley back on the show. Katie was part of Episode 19: What is Integrative Health? Katie Tolley is part of the team at Turning Point Health Center, which has offices in Annapolis and Columbia, Maryland. She also runs a health and wellness consulting business, KT Consulting. Katie is a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner and child and adolescent mental health specialist. What makes this all even more amazing is that she started learning much more about nutrition and integrative medicine just before her son was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of eight. Get ready for a fascinating and informative discussion with Katie!

Hey there! Welcome to the Alexa Z show! I am so excited to have Katie here today! The topic today is ADD, anxiety in the youth. I am excited but also a little anxious to discuss this topic because my youth was filled with anxiety. Also, many of my clients have children who also suffer from anxiety.

Alexa: Can you explain the difference between ADD and ADHD?

Katie: This topic is so widely talked about, but it is still very misunderstood. I shared an article with some friends yesterday about the aspects of ADD and ADHD and how it affects children. Every day there is another question or another topic that relates to ADD and ADHD in children.

So, to answer your question, on ADD, ADHD, and anxiety, how are they the same and how are they different.

ADD- Attention Deficit Disorder.

ADHD- Attention Deficit Hyper-activity Disorder

Diagnostically, we refer to all as ADHD with or without hyperactivity. The difference can be as simple as whether the child displays hyperactivity or not. When we do not see the outward hyperactivity (fidgeting, doodling, inability to sit still), the child is suppressing/internalizing the hyperactivity. Also, outward hyperactivity can turn into inward anxiety.

Alexa: Even if somebody had ADHD, it doesn't matter. The most important thing is that we are discussing ADD today. So, there are anxieties that are not ADD.

Katie: Absolutely! The everyday life of a modern-day teen can cause anxiety. There is a lot of pressure to get good grades, perform well in sports, perform in extra-curricular activities, get into college, and sometimes to have a job. All of the pressures cause these kids a lot of worries. Screen-time, diet, and sleep also play a huge role in anxiety in our youth. Often, anxiety is misdiagnosed as ADD.

Alexa: As a parent, how do you know that something is going on with your child? How can parents identify there is something serious going on versus regular daily stresses?

Katie: Some kids do just put pressure on themselves. It is normal for a three-year-old not to pay attention and to have difficulty focusing. When the inability to focus or pay attention interferes with daily living, such as the ability to learn, the ability to nourish themselves, the ability to get ready to do an activity, sports, or church, that is when it becomes a serious issue. The symptoms such as fidgeting, inability to focus, or distractability become interferences in the accomplishment of being a successful human being; this is when we enter the diagnostic level.

Alexa: What is the root cause of ADD and anxiety? Where does it come from?

Katie: Do we all have a little bit of ADHD? I say absolutely. Let's use a scale of 1 to 10 to determine our levels of ADHD. Many of us walk around the world at the level of 2 or 3 simply because of screens, jobs, and schedules; it is easy to be distracted because our minds are thinking of multiple things at once. Multitasking is a perfect example of ADHD. You try to go from one thing to another, but you get distracted. Multitasking can be a little difficult.

Alexa: For more on this, listen to my podcast episode on multitasking.

Katie: The root cause can be the inflammatory process

• inflammation,
• systemic inflammation,
• Inflammation from:
• different environmental sources,
• inflammation caused by
• food,
• pathogens,
• toxins,
• metals,
• chemicals.

When the inflammation affects the brain, it is called neuroinflammation. When we see symptoms similar to ADHD, anxiety, ADD, we sometimes wonder if it is ADHD, anxiety, ADD, or are these symptoms telling us about something else.

Alexa: What are some components of inflammation? From the standpoint of ADD, what kind of inflammation are we talking about?

Katie: Inflammation in the brain can surface as

• hard to concentrate
• focused attention
• memory issues

It is vital to address neuro-inflammation in our youth because it will lead to disease processes as the...