EP29 Learn to Mindfully Say No and Turn FOMO into JOMO
04/09/20 • 13 min
We live in a society where social media is steering our subconscious. Driving us towards what we think we should be doing, and often that has nothing to do with what we want to be doing. Everyone on Instagram is playing at the beach because the thermometer has barely hit 65 (although it's only the beginning of March, and it should be snowing. You think, oh my god, I better get outside and enjoy this magnificent weather because, well, it may never come again. But in reality, you had a hectic week, you are exhausted, and you were looking forward to a fireplace and a book. So, turn up the air-conditioning, light a fire and get your darn book. Last I checked, you are in charge of your life.
In this episode, I am going to shed some light on the art and glory of saying no. Why does this have anything to do with meditation, you ask? Well, thanks for asking because it has heaps to do with it. And the answer comes from deep inside the most incredible work of art, which is you. However, this beautiful place seems to get often smothered underneath perhaps: lack of confidence, a desire to please, a fear of being judged, a need to be appreciated, a "Fear of Missing Out" (FOMO).
By the end of this brief episode, you are going to want to run out the door and say no to everything that does not fit the blueprint of the life you want to create. And this my friend creates, JOMO. The "Joy of Missing Out."
___________________________________
Hey there, Alexa Z here, and thank you for saying yes to listening to this podcast when you easily could have said no. And since it was easy, I ask that that you quickly hit subscribe to this to keep me going. Then at that time, a podcast drops; you will know about it and can easily say yes or no to listening! It's all up to you. No guilt!
How many times have you said yes to something and then lamented over why you said yes? So much so that you find yourself making up lies to get out of whatever you answered yes to and then living with the guilt of the lie. And 99% of the time, no one would care if you said no.
Just as fears are something we learn, saying yes to everything can become a learned habit. We are programmed starting from when we are very young that NO is an inappropriate or rude answer. Eat your broccoli, NO, share your toys, NO. It just isn't the right answer. But saying yes to things when you wanted to say no can cause so much angst. Why bother?
Think of a time you said yes instead of no and asked yourself why? Then ask it a few more times.
For example, my friends want to go to a concert in NYC, and I said yes, but I wish I said no.
- Why? Because I don't have enough money.
- But you really don't want them to know that.
- Why? Because I don't make as much money as they do.
- I don't want to be judged regarding my career choice.
- Why? Because I love my career, but they don't understand?
- Why? Because I feel like they will judge me.
- Why? Because all my life I have been judged, my mother always said I wasn't good enough.
Do you see where I am going with this? There are things deep inside us that keep us from listening to what sometimes can be a straightforward question. My executive coach taught me this "Yum or Yuck?"
Sometimes it is that easy, and here is where meditation can help.
Here is a true story: Wanting to be more vulnerable. Talk about the guy who didn't want to go on the golf trip. Meditation made him feel, clear, confident, and nonreactive, and he said NO and was so happy.
What about people who have restricted diets or maybe are on a diet?
Did you ever hear the comedian John Mulaney do the bit on canceling plans? It goes something like this:
"It's so much easier not to do things than to do things. It's 100% easier not to do things and so much fun not to do things, especially when you were supposed to do them.
In terms of instant relief canceling plans is like heroin - instant joy.
Kids don't like that - they say awwwwww we didn't do anything all day.
Did you ever as an adult what they did over the weekend, and they said they didn't do anything, and their face lights up!"
Although funny, this is pretty spot on. But it's hard. Meditation and mindfulness give us space to build our inner voice, our inner courage because it helps us be more comfortable being ourselves. For example, in a self-inquiry meditation, we ask ourselves a question such as "who am I" and be comfortable just sitting with the question without even answering it." We are building courage through listening to our inner wisdom and intuition.
There is nothing more satisfying then saying exactly what we want to say without question and without worrying about the outcome.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
- Be impeccable with your word.
- Don'...
We live in a society where social media is steering our subconscious. Driving us towards what we think we should be doing, and often that has nothing to do with what we want to be doing. Everyone on Instagram is playing at the beach because the thermometer has barely hit 65 (although it's only the beginning of March, and it should be snowing. You think, oh my god, I better get outside and enjoy this magnificent weather because, well, it may never come again. But in reality, you had a hectic week, you are exhausted, and you were looking forward to a fireplace and a book. So, turn up the air-conditioning, light a fire and get your darn book. Last I checked, you are in charge of your life.
In this episode, I am going to shed some light on the art and glory of saying no. Why does this have anything to do with meditation, you ask? Well, thanks for asking because it has heaps to do with it. And the answer comes from deep inside the most incredible work of art, which is you. However, this beautiful place seems to get often smothered underneath perhaps: lack of confidence, a desire to please, a fear of being judged, a need to be appreciated, a "Fear of Missing Out" (FOMO).
By the end of this brief episode, you are going to want to run out the door and say no to everything that does not fit the blueprint of the life you want to create. And this my friend creates, JOMO. The "Joy of Missing Out."
___________________________________
Hey there, Alexa Z here, and thank you for saying yes to listening to this podcast when you easily could have said no. And since it was easy, I ask that that you quickly hit subscribe to this to keep me going. Then at that time, a podcast drops; you will know about it and can easily say yes or no to listening! It's all up to you. No guilt!
How many times have you said yes to something and then lamented over why you said yes? So much so that you find yourself making up lies to get out of whatever you answered yes to and then living with the guilt of the lie. And 99% of the time, no one would care if you said no.
Just as fears are something we learn, saying yes to everything can become a learned habit. We are programmed starting from when we are very young that NO is an inappropriate or rude answer. Eat your broccoli, NO, share your toys, NO. It just isn't the right answer. But saying yes to things when you wanted to say no can cause so much angst. Why bother?
Think of a time you said yes instead of no and asked yourself why? Then ask it a few more times.
For example, my friends want to go to a concert in NYC, and I said yes, but I wish I said no.
- Why? Because I don't have enough money.
- But you really don't want them to know that.
- Why? Because I don't make as much money as they do.
- I don't want to be judged regarding my career choice.
- Why? Because I love my career, but they don't understand?
- Why? Because I feel like they will judge me.
- Why? Because all my life I have been judged, my mother always said I wasn't good enough.
Do you see where I am going with this? There are things deep inside us that keep us from listening to what sometimes can be a straightforward question. My executive coach taught me this "Yum or Yuck?"
Sometimes it is that easy, and here is where meditation can help.
Here is a true story: Wanting to be more vulnerable. Talk about the guy who didn't want to go on the golf trip. Meditation made him feel, clear, confident, and nonreactive, and he said NO and was so happy.
What about people who have restricted diets or maybe are on a diet?
Did you ever hear the comedian John Mulaney do the bit on canceling plans? It goes something like this:
"It's so much easier not to do things than to do things. It's 100% easier not to do things and so much fun not to do things, especially when you were supposed to do them.
In terms of instant relief canceling plans is like heroin - instant joy.
Kids don't like that - they say awwwwww we didn't do anything all day.
Did you ever as an adult what they did over the weekend, and they said they didn't do anything, and their face lights up!"
Although funny, this is pretty spot on. But it's hard. Meditation and mindfulness give us space to build our inner voice, our inner courage because it helps us be more comfortable being ourselves. For example, in a self-inquiry meditation, we ask ourselves a question such as "who am I" and be comfortable just sitting with the question without even answering it." We are building courage through listening to our inner wisdom and intuition.
There is nothing more satisfying then saying exactly what we want to say without question and without worrying about the outcome.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
- Be impeccable with your word.
- Don'...
Previous Episode
EP 28 Why the Best Time To Learn to Meditate is in the Middle of a Sh*t Storm
In this episode, I am going to explain why right now is the perfect time to learn to meditate, not when life is great, peaceful, and fairy lights are glowing around your lawn. If you are not sleeping, feeling stressed, totally unfocused, and perhaps a bit bitter, this is the podcast for you!
Hey There, Alexa Z here, I told my husband I am committed to never missing a podcast for at least 24 months, and I made it to week 27 and then fell off. It wasn't that I didn't have an episode to launch; it was that the topic no longer fit in this midst of this COVID-19 pandemic. Also, I own a small business, shout out to all small business owners. In 17 years, I never could have guessed that I would be applying for grants and praying to make it through along with my 20 employees. My thoughts are with all of you. I have spent two days reading through relief acts, but as soon as you finish one, the next one comes out, and sometimes they seem to contradict each other. What comes first, the chicken or the egg.
Now let's say you are not a small business owner, and perhaps you are laid off, and you're wondering what your company is doing about all of this? Independent worker, gig worker, sole proprietor, the list goes on. Now maybe you get to have your kids home 24/7 and don't want to blurt out "oh my god, am I maneuvering through online/home education properly? Or am I doing a disservice to my child? You didn't sign up for this.
I can't lie, when I see pictures of organized sock drawers, and completed 5000 piece jigsaw puzzles on social media; I want to scream. I think I am down to one pair of clean underwear. I stopped to write this on my way to the washing machine. But I am not mad, maybe a bit jealous. ACTUALLY, no, I am not. I like who I am and how I roll, and I think it is fantastic to take time; time is very precious, and it is a limited commodity. It is quite surprising that we are being given time and we get to chose what to do with it.
Time is limited and Attention is limited.
There are 24 hours in a day; you can not add another one. Where you put your attention is your choice. This podcast is about looking back over the past few weeks, looking forward a few weeks, and at this moment right now, what we call the present moment, deciding, is there any other way I would like to approach my life? Another puzzle, a basement organization, maybe, but how do you feel when you stop and reflect for a moment. What if all those tasks were done not to be distracted from the chaos but to be present amongst it all.
When we are fully present, then we are entirely paying attention, that other limited commodity.
My husband has been busy with projects and simultaneously listening to an online music theory class. Multi-tasking doesn't work except in his case, it is a rote task (say throwing out old papers) and listening to the course. Nice! He is very compassionate about his guitars, and I am happy to see him delve into learning. But he had seven days off and now is working 12 hours a day, and like anyone, I heard him say, where did those days go?
What are you learning? Many people appear to be doing remarkable things like online exercise and yoga classes, learning a new language, learning to cook fresh meals. It sounds like a lot of good stress relieving stuff going on, but in the midst of it all, I am still getting lots of calls. I AM SO STRESSED OUT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, ALL I AM DOING IS CLEANING, I AM BORED AND SCARED, I HATE MY JOB, etc. When is your next free meditation? But guess what, those are the people that don't show up for the meditation.
Here is what I see happening. Avoidance, procrastination, and nonsensical reasoning. I need to learn to meditate, but I can't now I am too stressed out. Just sitting still in silence makes me crazy. I am here to tell you that this is the perfect time to learn to meditate.
Is it hard to meditate in times of high stress? Of course, but anything worth having can be a little tough at first. But with meditation, you can start right now, and the training will be so powerful. Not only can you immediately watch yourself change in a stressful environment, but you can take that skill, practice, one maybe two times a day, and when this is all over, you will have a tool that you can use for life. There is no way in hell that when this is all done, you will not need meditation. You needed it yesterday, and today and tomorrow and a year from now.
I love the fact that I am buried in stress and relief acts. Do I like stress? No, what I love is the fact that my endurance is endless. I may hit a wall, but I see the wall and walk away before it crushes me. I still get a decent night's sleep, and I wake up with a fresh attitude, and I get right back in the ring. Meditation has made me not only healthier but courageous. If I approach this virus bitterly and fulls of sarcasm, then I might as well roll over and pee on my...
Next Episode
EP 30 Stop Surviving and Start Thriving – A Meditator’s look into what you might have missed in the middle of this COVID Pandemic
In today's episode, I am going to address a topic that might make you feel a bit uncomfortable. I like to call it, "Well, what the heck am I going to do now?" There is no way around it, life is going to look different soon, and like me, you may be rethinking life a bit. If you are working, maybe it doesn't feel right; if you are not working, perhaps you don't want to go back to the job you were in, or you want the way you live your daily life to look a bit different. How does meditation help you dig through all of this muck? There are many ways, and without meditation, I may be sitting here crying instead of plotting about how I can thrive and not just survive. No meditation won't solve all of your problems, but it may help a lot more than you think.
Hey there, Alexa Z here. It's been a while since I sat down to write a podcast. One month and a few weeks to be not exact, and I was not happy about the break. Truthfully, I was pissed at myself because I vowed for one year not to miss a week, and well, crap happened. My husband told me I should stop being so hard on myself. My Coach told me not to write until it was in me to write. Well here we are and it feels great! On March 16th my Spa closed due to COVID, my twenty employees were temporarily laid off and blah blah blah, life changed. The worst part is that at this moment I have NO idea what comes next. I know that we will reopen one day, but I don't know what day or even if clients will come back, but I can't just give up, right? Well, I guess I could, but according to my inner compass, that is not an option.
The inner compass, you ask? You know that part of you deep inside that knows the answer to just about everything. But you thought you just heard me say that I have no idea what will happen, so how can my inner self know the answer. Well, the quieter I become, the more it speaks to me. I have responsibilities to my family, my creditors, and my employees, I can't just rollover. But I can start imagining, without fear, but with a more playful attitude. What could change? Big things, little things, something I can control in a world that appears to be taking away all of my control?
Did you ever hear a friend say, "just put it out to the universe, the answer will come." I am here to say that it is a total bunch of BS unless you give the universe a bit of help. Don't be lazy, keep moving, drink from the fire hose of life, and see what new flavor may be in store for you.
Or perhaps George Bernard Shaw put it more eloquently, "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
What have you learned during this quarantine? Or what have you learned by deciding not to learn? The easiest way to describe something is through a story, and mine is the one I know best, so maybe you can relate. I started thinking about another career, yup, because CPA, Massage Therapist, Spa Owner, Meditation Teacher wasn't quite enough right now. I was a bit forced since once we reopen, my paycheck will probably stay in the uncashed pile for quite a while. However, that wasn't really why. The real reason was I had the time to think about what I was missing in life, and I was shocked to find that I missed using my old brain. The part of my mind that used to crunch numbers and keep finances all nice and tidy for people. Now, wait, this isn't all about work and money; it's about how you want to spend your time.
PS - I am writing this from Maine, where my husband and I now realize that we want to grow old someday. See personal stuff for me, too, not all biz. But that will be another episode!
Take a moment and close your eyes, take a long, slow inhale, and a slow complete exhale. Do it two more times. Now breathe normally and bring to mind an experience or better yet a feeling that made you feel great, or perhaps made you say ah-ha, I forgot how good that felt. Once the world is back to the new normal, will these experiences/feelings end? Maybe, that is up to you.
Back to my story, which yes, is connected to work, but it is relating to my ah-ha.
Once we were mandated to close, I had to apply for disaster relief loans, grants, and anything else I could find, even before I understood it all. You can't let the grass grow under your feet in times like this. Get the money fast before it is gone. Then get it and wonder what to do with it, possibly give it back. The funniest thing was, I found myself enjoying applying for them. I enjoyed reading all the rules that changed every day, and it didn't even make me mad. I found the whole process quite fascinating. I loved explaining it to other small businesses. Then I would go back to the reality that I was filling them out for MY business that after 17 years might fail, and then I would cry a lot. Come on; this isn't all rainbows and unicorns.
How to stop crying and forge ahead with a clear mind and an open heart? Medi...
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