TSSH 34 - Heal in Place. Fill your Still. (topic: anger)
04/24/20 • 10 min
Heal in Place. Fill your Still. Anger. I used to be angry...most of the time. I have a mother, father and stepfather with various personality disorders who erratically switch back and forth from being overly demanding or callously indifferent. I was set up for a life of no confidence, perpetual sadness masked by raged and an addiction to results and outcomes. I carried terrible shame of coming from people who didn’t give me the attention I needed and deserved – as all young children do. Throughout adulthood, the occasional flashbacks and anxiety attacks seemed to never end. And neither did questioning my ability to be a good mother. I was constantly in fear of not being strong enough to break the cycle of abuse.
When you have a temper like I used to, it is difficult to admit there's a problem. I would go from zero to 100 too often. I would snap, freak out, feel guilty and repeat that cycle. I was a boiling kettle with nowhere for the steam to go. If a kettle has no way to release steam, it explodes...like I used to. Looking back, I wish I had more self-control but at the time it seemed impossible to change. I saw my anger as a genetic flaw that I had to put up with along with the negative consequences that always followed my tantrums.
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Heal in Place. Fill your Still. Anger. I used to be angry...most of the time. I have a mother, father and stepfather with various personality disorders who erratically switch back and forth from being overly demanding or callously indifferent. I was set up for a life of no confidence, perpetual sadness masked by raged and an addiction to results and outcomes. I carried terrible shame of coming from people who didn’t give me the attention I needed and deserved – as all young children do. Throughout adulthood, the occasional flashbacks and anxiety attacks seemed to never end. And neither did questioning my ability to be a good mother. I was constantly in fear of not being strong enough to break the cycle of abuse.
When you have a temper like I used to, it is difficult to admit there's a problem. I would go from zero to 100 too often. I would snap, freak out, feel guilty and repeat that cycle. I was a boiling kettle with nowhere for the steam to go. If a kettle has no way to release steam, it explodes...like I used to. Looking back, I wish I had more self-control but at the time it seemed impossible to change. I saw my anger as a genetic flaw that I had to put up with along with the negative consequences that always followed my tantrums.
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Previous Episode
TSSH 33 - The ART of Healing Creatively 🎨🖌(Featured Guest: Jennifer Pazienza)
Season 3 | Episode 1. This is an AMAZING STORY.
Jennifer Pazienza lives on Keswick Ridge in New Brunswick, Atlantic Canada and creates poetic and contemplative paintings.
"Since I was young, the natural world has been my haven for refuge and renewal. A compelling feature in my work is what’s not there - most especially humans. I want people to visually step into my paintings to explore and outfit them with experiences from their own lives. Through art I express my regard for connection, healing and love".
Jennifer lost both of her parents when she was very young and not only is she a survivor of emotional abuse and sexual abuse, but she is also a healer and a thriver.
Jennifer proves that "it doesn't matter how you start, it's how you finish".
Links to Jennifer's work:
https://www.instagram.com/jenniferpazienza/
https://www.jenniferpazienza.com/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xb9WOTpLfI4&feature=youtu.be
http://www.theartistnextlevel.com/creating-new-art-opportunities-with-jennifer-pazienza-podcast-185/
What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral
Next Episode
TSSH 35 - human DOings & human BEings
Season 3 Episode 2 - human DOings & human BEings
Doing more, constantly putting myself out there, saying yes to every opportunity, cradling every tangible and intangible experience like a an Olympic medal...I believed these things will get me exposure, accolades, recognition and sales...but in reality they brought on stress, depression, frustration, more emptiness and anxiety.
When we conduct our lives from a place of being rather than doing, we accept uncertainty and don’t focus on self-protection. When we plan, organizing every step and making sure we’ve covered all bases, fear drives that. Real fear comes from wanting to protect ourselves instead of wanting to let go.
I had it backwards and found out it takes more courage to trust the process and let things happen the way they are supposed to.
I was conditioned to DO for acceptance and validation from when I was a baby. That’s how I got noticed and seen. Not for who I was (or who I was being). The result, over time, was a total disconnection from my soul/spirit and living a life from the outside in - virtually guaranteeing multiple mental health issues.
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