185: What Happens When You're the Child of Survivors of Significant Trauma?
07/13/21 • 58 min
Jeff Furman is an extraordinary combination of his parents. He has the gift of intense observation of people and surroundings, while also demonstrating significant empathy. The two together allow him to predict student behavior in the classroom, making him a highly effective educator.
He shared a story of clarity: Watching his girlfriend (many years ago) standing in the shallows of the ocean, hesitating to dive into the large waves, he had an insight as he observed her stepping forward and then stepping back. He asked "are you the child of Holocaust survivors?" She was.
How did he know that? Because his parents were fiercely protective of him, his mother was especially fearful of potential physical harm, and he recognized the effects of that kind of upbringing in his girlfriend.
This conversation was especially fascinating to me because of how his parents differed in the way their protectiveness was demonstrated in their words and actions. I was also highly curious about how Jeff sees the current impact of growing up like that on his life now, as a near-retirement aged professional.
We discussed current research around generational PTSD, and I mentioned an episode of this podcast featuring Rajkumari Neogy where we referred to the studies around intergenerational trauma and epigenetics.
If you're a regular listener of this show, you'll be especially pleased to hear Jeff's answer to my standard request: Tell us something about yourself that most people probably don't know. Hint: It's another musical reference!
Our conversation included a lot of references to the music that lights Jeff up, history related to WWII, and a few locations in and around New York City. Here are some links to satisfy your curiosity:
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A few notes from Jeff:
This is a 7-minute mini-documentary with Suzanne Vega that I’m sure you’ll like. She’s filmed in a cab in Manhattan on her way to the Fast Folk pasta dinner, where she is talking about how she is a little afraid of performing a new song in front of Jack Hardy and his peers, who will give constructive criticism. I met Jack Hardy also when he played at our college, and when I moved to Greenwich Village in the 80s, I got to spend some time with him. A lot of the singer-songwriters I interviewed were part of his circle. He was a very talented songwriter and very good singer and performer, but he became more known especially for helping providing the venue (Fast Folk) that others spring-boarded from, especially Suzanne Vega, Lucy Kaplansky, The Roches, and Shawn Colvin. I loved all these talented people and it was a very rich experience for me meeting and interviewing them for the Bergen Record (leading New Jersey newspaper) and Performing Songwriter Magazine. Publishing these articles helped me get my first book contract.
https://youtu.be/2TzVQOjfE_U
Here is Tom Russell performing the song he wrote: “MANZANAR” about the Japanese internment camp, from the perspective of a Japanese American who was imprisoned there after the attack on Pearl Harbor. I selected this song from Tom’s albums for the interview I did with him for Performing Songwriter Magazine.
And my favorite of all the folk groups part of the Fast Folk scene was The Roches (3 sisters: Terre, Suzzy, and Maggie Roche). I think this is one of their best songs/videos: “Mr. Sellack.” It captures their writing, singing, humor and charm really well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQMwU3TrVE0
Connect with Jeff on LinkedIn, visit his website, and check out his series of project management books here.
---
ABOUT SARAH:
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coachi...
Jeff Furman is an extraordinary combination of his parents. He has the gift of intense observation of people and surroundings, while also demonstrating significant empathy. The two together allow him to predict student behavior in the classroom, making him a highly effective educator.
He shared a story of clarity: Watching his girlfriend (many years ago) standing in the shallows of the ocean, hesitating to dive into the large waves, he had an insight as he observed her stepping forward and then stepping back. He asked "are you the child of Holocaust survivors?" She was.
How did he know that? Because his parents were fiercely protective of him, his mother was especially fearful of potential physical harm, and he recognized the effects of that kind of upbringing in his girlfriend.
This conversation was especially fascinating to me because of how his parents differed in the way their protectiveness was demonstrated in their words and actions. I was also highly curious about how Jeff sees the current impact of growing up like that on his life now, as a near-retirement aged professional.
We discussed current research around generational PTSD, and I mentioned an episode of this podcast featuring Rajkumari Neogy where we referred to the studies around intergenerational trauma and epigenetics.
If you're a regular listener of this show, you'll be especially pleased to hear Jeff's answer to my standard request: Tell us something about yourself that most people probably don't know. Hint: It's another musical reference!
Our conversation included a lot of references to the music that lights Jeff up, history related to WWII, and a few locations in and around New York City. Here are some links to satisfy your curiosity:
---
A few notes from Jeff:
This is a 7-minute mini-documentary with Suzanne Vega that I’m sure you’ll like. She’s filmed in a cab in Manhattan on her way to the Fast Folk pasta dinner, where she is talking about how she is a little afraid of performing a new song in front of Jack Hardy and his peers, who will give constructive criticism. I met Jack Hardy also when he played at our college, and when I moved to Greenwich Village in the 80s, I got to spend some time with him. A lot of the singer-songwriters I interviewed were part of his circle. He was a very talented songwriter and very good singer and performer, but he became more known especially for helping providing the venue (Fast Folk) that others spring-boarded from, especially Suzanne Vega, Lucy Kaplansky, The Roches, and Shawn Colvin. I loved all these talented people and it was a very rich experience for me meeting and interviewing them for the Bergen Record (leading New Jersey newspaper) and Performing Songwriter Magazine. Publishing these articles helped me get my first book contract.
https://youtu.be/2TzVQOjfE_U
Here is Tom Russell performing the song he wrote: “MANZANAR” about the Japanese internment camp, from the perspective of a Japanese American who was imprisoned there after the attack on Pearl Harbor. I selected this song from Tom’s albums for the interview I did with him for Performing Songwriter Magazine.
And my favorite of all the folk groups part of the Fast Folk scene was The Roches (3 sisters: Terre, Suzzy, and Maggie Roche). I think this is one of their best songs/videos: “Mr. Sellack.” It captures their writing, singing, humor and charm really well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQMwU3TrVE0
Connect with Jeff on LinkedIn, visit his website, and check out his series of project management books here.
---
ABOUT SARAH:
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coachi...
Previous Episode
184: If 90% of People Never Felt Like They "Fit In", Where Does That Leave the Other 10%?
"I'm allergic to that."
When she arrived in Spain, a shy, incredibly picky eater and study abroad student, that's what Rachel would tell people to avoid having to try new foods. It didn't take long for her to choose to be polite and try the foods, and that simple act of kindness and curiosity became the key to unlocking her adventurous spirit and become, as she says, unmuted.
Rachel's Spanish teacher had suggested that she apply to study abroad saying: "You really have an affinity for this, have you considered studying abroad?" Her immediate response was no, she wasn't interested in leaving her small liberal arts college for a semester. But the adults in her life encouraged her, saying that she would regret not going, and sharing their own regrets for turning down a similar opportunity.
She remembered arriving at the airport in Madrid, which appeared to be in total chaos, especially for a sheltered young woman.
It was her study abroad experience that awakened Rachel to her sense of adventure, which only increased with more experiences outside of her comfort zone, and isn't that always our path toward personal growth?
Rachel is the kind of woman who
A highlight of our conversation was when we talked about our human tendency to underestimate people and things that we make a snap judgment about. We began our conversation on that topic when she told the story of her experience with an eggplant dish presented to her by her host family in Spain. It's not a stretch to apply that lesson to people we meet.
Both of us had stories about our spouses related to this idea:
"If I had never opened the door to the possibility that he could be different than my first impressions of him on the surface, would I have even allowed for that possibility to happen?"
"When we're willing to stay curious and open, things we're not even aware of are possible on the other side of that."
In our conversation I mentioned my friend Shelley Brown's recently published book, Weird Girl Adventures, in the context of allowing our sense of what's weird about us to be a larger part of our best relationships.
When you've listened to the episode, I'm sure you'll want to connect with Rachel on LinkedIn, and be sure to dig into her website to learn more about what she does, and how magically she does it. And check out the song Rachel sang a line from at the end of our call, This is Me from The Greatest Showman.
If you're also curious about the lyrics I shared, here's Mary Mary with Can't Give Up Now.
---
ABOUT SARAH:
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
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186: True Stories Can Bring Your Work of Fiction to Life
Suzanne Simonetti sees herself in each of her characters, but she relates most closely with Krystal in her award-winning novel The Sounds of Wings.
Our conversation easily flowed from topic to topic, and it was clear to both of us that the themes from the book are highly relevant in many of our friends' lives, as well as our own.
Each of the protagonists is in a very different place in their lives, one in her early 30s, another in her mid 40s, and another in her late 60s. And yet, each is grappling with transition and transformation in their lives, which is what brings them together.
Highlights for me:
A major theme of the book is silencing our own ghosts from our past. We must be able to tell the stories of our paths without reliving them, to be able to see those stories as lessons to take forward.
A theme that resonated strongly with me is the way women grow into relationships with themselves and with (and among) other women. In the book, the three main protagonists forge unlikely friendships, despite their distinct differences. I loved seeing the personal growth each experienced as they learned to trust the other women who happened to show up in their lives.
We spoke of Suzanne's mentor, award-winning, NYT Best Selling Author Caroline Leavitt, as well as our mutual friend, Meg Nocero, also an award-winning author, both outstanding women you will be glad you discovered through this podcast.
Make sure you follow Suzanne on Instagram, and check out her website to learn more.
---
ABOUT SARAH:
"Uncovering the right stories for the right audiences so executives, leaders, public speakers, and job seekers can clearly and actively demonstrate their character, values, and vision."
In my work with coaching clients, I guide people to improve their communication using storytelling as the foundation of our work together. What I’ve realized over years of coaching and podcasting is that the majority of people don’t realize the impact of the stories they share - on their internal messages, and on the people they’re sharing them with.
My work with leaders and people who aspire to be leaders follows a similar path to the interviews on my podcast, uncovering pivotal moments in their lives and learning how to share them to connect more authentically with others, to make their presentations and speaking more engaging, to reveal patterns that have kept them stuck or moved them forward, and to improve their relationships at work and at home.
The audiobook, Your Stories Don’t Define You, How You Tell Them Will is now available!
Included with your purchase are two bonus tracks, songs recorded by Sarah's band, Spare Change, in her living room in Montana.
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