Episode 51: Vintage Vape

Explicit content warning

05/16/15 • 11 min

Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right, we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy with your family for generations.

Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right, we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy with your family for generations.

Previous Episode

Episode 50: Scat Academy (Part 1)

Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion ProgramTM.

No dogs, babies, or squares allowed.

In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection with your native tongue:

SCAT: Gom zibby, glom zibby, bop zibby domp!
ENGLISH: Please, do not raise your voice; I have a terrific heroin headache.

SCAT: Bomp ZEE bop! Spoo-da-lee BEE zot?
ENGLISH: Has this pepper spray you’re selling me been “stepped on?”

SCAT: Babe sop potta womp, bum bop zee bop!
ENGLISH: Your newborn baby is as uninteresting to me as the baking soda pabulum that’s currently passing for heroin.

SCAT: Bomp...zeep...bomp.
ENGLISH: Ha! I’ve once again taken heroin and fallen asleep whilst driving!

SCAT: Stomp dee-domp, stomp dee-domp, squeep bomp—DEE bomp?
ENGLISH: Have you a spare behavior modification helmet and some heroin?

SCAT: Salt PEE nutz!
ENGLISH: This uncut heroin you’ve provided strikes me as both deadly and affordable.

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California King: "What is HØL?"

Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine outside Eufaula, Alabama.

Everything was going great. We each had our own little cavernlet in which to do our alonetime ablutions and adult irrigations, and every evening we gathered by the pile of old cigarettes to tell stories and scratch each others' bug bites. We chopped wood, and we carried water. We made forts. And, yes, somtimes, we cried.

Then, one night, we heard a cricket.

Coming from... somewhere? Its chirp drove us crazy through those long 'Bama nights. Merlin suggested we get a lizard to kill the cricket. The plan worked perfectly. But that night we noticed the lizard looking down at us from its perch, really giving us the stink eye. Like it thought it was better than us. So Adam bought us a snake to take care of the lizard. And, then, somehow, there was a filthy Persian cat to take care of the snake. And so forth.

So, long story short: our cave is now occupied by a family of endangered Alabama Beach Mice (Peromyscus polionotus ammobates). And, we have returned to California.

Also, we are out of money.

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