"Gaslighting" relationship and running

03/21/22 • 30 min

In the summer of 2020 after the first COVID-lockdown restrictions were lifted, Coco met a new guy. The relationship developed quickly and intensively, as they’d both been on their own for three months. It soon became clear though, that things were not good.
He became controlling about how she looked, what they ate, what they did. On one occasion, he was physically violent, and it was then that Coco ended the relationship after four months. But events were far from over. Coco soon discovered that her ex-partner had reported her to the police, accusing her of trying to hack some accounts on his phone and of malicious communication.
Keen to put the record straight, Coco went to the police station and explained what had happened. Instead of being recognised as a victim of domestic abuse, she instead found herself arrested, handcuffed and viewed as a potential criminal and was told that she would be put on bail while the crimes were investigated.

‘It was an absolute emotional whirlwind of a day and by the end, I was feeling in such a depressed, bad state. I was quite suicidal,’ says Coco.

To help cope with the stress, worry and loss of self-worth and confidence that goes with domestic abuse, Coco turned to running. It was not easy initially, but over time, it really helped. It gave Coco physical and mental freedom, while her life was on hold and she waited the results of the investigation.

‘Running just felt so good every time,’ says Coco. ‘For me, running is always a kind of mindfulness. The exercise was quite life-changing,’ she explains.

Coco left her partner when she realised he was being unfaithful. With hindsight though, she says that someone cheating on you is not nice, but the fact she stayed so long when he was being emotionally - and on one occasion physically - abusive makes Coco most upset.
Advising other people who are in/or have been in emotionally-abusive relationships, which is known as “gaslighting” – Coco recommends: ‘If someone tries to change your behaviour or frighten you out of doing anything for no good reason, talk to a friend,...get a second opinion...because you can begin to doubt your own judgement.

Coco is convinced that if it wasn’t for running, she wouldn’t be around today. ‘That’s a very hard thing to say, but it’s true. Exercise saved my life.’

Read Coco's full story here
Follow on Instagram at: #whyrunpodcast
and on Facebook @whyrunpodcast

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‘It was an absolute emotional whirlwind of a day and by the end, I was feeling in such a depressed, bad state. I was quite suicidal,’ says Coco.

‘Running just felt so good every time,’ says Coco. ‘For me, running is always a kind of mindfulness. The exercise was quite life-changing,’ she explains.

Coco is convinced that if it wasn’t for running, she wouldn’t be around today. ‘That’s a very hard thing to say, but it’s true. Exercise saved my life.’

Read Coco's full story here
Follow on Instagram at: #whyrunpodcast
and on Facebook @whyrunpodcast

Previous Episode

Depression and running

After uni and unable to find work, Dan sunk into a deep depression. “That’s where it all went wrong," he says. He didn't want to go out, stayed in bed for much of the day and lost the will to live.
"If you’ve ever been unemployed, you’re applying for everything to be fair. I don’t think (people) realise how much of an identity a job gives you and how much not having one takes it away.”

Eventually Dan went to the doctor and was put on antidepressants. Over time, his medication was changed, increased and he says the medication helped numb the worst of his feelings some of the time, but they didn't make him feel happy. "That's something that I’ve learnt on my mental health journey - only I can do that," he says.

Dan seriously considered suicide and had a letter written for a long time. “I took quite a practical approach to the matter. If I was going to do it, I was going to get it done. I couldn't imagine having to deal with life after a failed attempt. I know it shouldn’t be a stigma, but at the time you’re in a different head space. It was a very difficult time."
In 2013, Dan got a job and life began to change for him. His first run was a charity event organised at his work in aid of St Michael's Hospice. He raised £200, enjoyed the experience and felt a real sense of achievement - something that has been key in helping improve Dan's mental state. He made friends at work, started to develop a social life and got positive feedback in his job and a pay rise, improving his self worth.
For the first time, Dan felt able to open up to one of his closest friends about his depression and, as a result, then had the confidence to talk to his parents too.
CBT through work was 'intense' but it really helped Dan to challenge his negative thoughts. "If you go in with a core belief that you're useless and then talk about how you've achieved this and that, you find yourself losing your own argument."
Dan then ran the London Marathon for his work charity, Guide Dogs UK, and got involved with Tough Mudders - a challenge that is far less about individual success than team work and camaraderie. "I love it, because you can run along with people, help them and talk to them along the way."
Through his running, Dan has displayed a real mental strength and determination. He admits he's quite an extreme person and loves the thrill of completing events - Park Runs, 10Ks and particularly ultra events like the Man Vs series that others would struggle to finish.
Having something to focus on has been key in Dan's mental health recovery and management. "It seems to be one of the key things for me. With depression, I spent hours lying bed hoping it would go away, but it doesn't and life just becomes more difficult."

Dan has realised that has his depression has no one specific factor, he needs to develop his own self care. "I still have periods when I get down. But I tell myself, 'I have to do this'. I've learnt I have to s

Next Episode

Post-traumatic stress and running

In October 2015, Tracey’s life was changed forever in a split second when her 21-year-old son Josh was killed in an unprovoked knife attack. For four years, her grief felt largely on hold as she fought through the Josh Hanson Trust – a charity she set up - to bring her son’s killer to justice.

How does the body react to such extreme trauma? How do you start to rebuild your life?There is very clear evidence that when someone experiences extreme trauma, the body - as well as the mind - goes in to profound shock. As a result, Tracey now has many physical symptoms and conditions; as well as suffering with hyper-vigilance, anxiety and binge eating. These are all common post-traumatic stress symptoms.

Tracey first started running many years ago after her divorce and found it immensely empowering. For years though, the extreme trauma of Josh’s loss made many aspects of living - including physical exercise - too difficult to consider.

Despite numerous media interviews over the years – this is Tracey’s first podcast. She’s agreed to do it, because she’s keen to talk about how she and other trauma victims, work to rebuild their lives...step by step...and for Tracey....running is part of that journey.
Read Tracey's story here
Instagram: #whyrunpodcast
Facebook: @whyrunpodcast
For further information about the Josh Hanson Trust visit: www.thejoshhansontrust.org