The Skillful Podcast - #7: Understanding Validation in Relationships and Why We All Need It

#7: Understanding Validation in Relationships and Why We All Need It

06/26/19 • 28 min

Do you know how important it is to feel validated? Validation lets us know that we have been heard and understood. We all have the need to be understood by others, especially those closest to us. Today Marielle and Ed discuss the importance of validation in all interpersonal relationships. They describe the different levels of validation and they take a look at the detrimental effects of being invalidated by someone. Tune in now to find out more.

Validation is a necessary part of all relationships, from the most intimate relationships to friendships and work relationships. Marielle and Ed start today's episode with a definition of what invalidation is to give a sense of what it looks like and talk about how painful it feels to be on the receiving end of it. Listen in today, to find out what validation is and why it matters so much in relationships.

Show Highlights:

Marielle explains what invalidation is and what it looks like.
Being invalidated feels painful and it can cause people to become defensive and angry.
It is possible to validate someone's experience without having to agree with them.
What validation is and why it matters so much in relationships.
Validation is the best way to connect and understand someone else's personal experiences.
Why and how validation acts as a social lubricant.
Differentiating intent versus impact.
How validation can prevent defensiveness.
How validation differs from simply agreeing.
The benefits of starting hard conversations with validation.
The different levels of validation.
Paying attention is the first and most basic level of validation.
The next level of validation is reflecting back what you have heard without judgment.
The third level of validation is called “reading minds”. This is a more advanced level of validation. It involves noticing and sensing what is going on with the other person without them having to tell us. It is powerful but it can also be tricky.

Links:

www.bayareadbtcc.com

Ask Us a Question!

We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here.

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.

Show Highlights:

Marielle explains what invalidation is and what it looks like.
Being invalidated feels painful and it can cause people to become defensive and angry.
It is possible to validate someone's experience without having to agree with them.
What validation is and why it matters so much in relationships.
Validation is the best way to connect and understand someone else's personal experiences.
Why and how validation acts as a social lubricant.
Differentiating intent versus impact.
How validation can prevent defensiveness.
How validation differs from simply agreeing.
The benefits of starting hard conversations with validation.
The different levels of validation.
Paying attention is the first and most basic level of validation.
The next level of validation is reflecting back what you have heard without judgment.
The third level of validation is called “reading minds”. This is a more advanced level of validation. It involves noticing and sensing what is going on with the other person without them having to tell us. It is powerful but it can also be tricky.

Links:

www.bayareadbtcc.com

Ask Us a Question!

We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here.

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.

Previous Episode

#6: Get What You Want by Using the GIVE and FAST Skills of DBT

Would you like to learn how to ask for what you want, how to resolve a conflict, and how to have your opinion taken seriously in your relationships? Today, Marielle and Ed will be expanding on the interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT. They are working out of the DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, by Marsha Linehan, which is where you can find all the skills, and see all the acronyms that are discussed in the podcast.

Today's episode starts out with a review of the core interpersonal effectiveness skill in DBT, which is the acronym DEARMAN. Then Marielle and Ed go into some refinements of how to deliver DEARMAN. This includes how to ask for something, how to say 'no', and how to resolve a conflict when different things are important. Tune in now, to find out more.

Show Highlights:

A quick review of DEARMAN, the foundational skill of all the interpersonal effectiveness skills: D=Describe; E=Express (your feelings or opinions); A=Assert; R=Reinforce (what's in it for the person you're asking for something); M=Mindful; A=Appearing confident; N=Negotiate.
What's most important to you in an interaction? Your objective, your relationship, or your self-respect?
The interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT encourage us to plan ahead when we need to ask for something, say 'no', or interact with someone to get what we want in a relationship.
There's a whole different set of skills that we would use to make sure that when we ask for what we want in a relationship, we're also being attentive to the relationship.
Sometimes, maintaining our self-respect is the most important thing when we're interacting with another person.
Our objective, the relationship, and our self-respect all things to think about in any interaction with another person.
Some of the pitfalls that people can experience if they are always prioritizing the relationship, always prioritizing self-respect, or always getting what they want.
We sometimes assume that the way to maintain a relationship is not to ask for too much or not to say 'no'.
The Interpersonal Effectiveness skills help us to take each interaction for what it is and notice what will be most effective.
The GIVE skill is the skill that we use to deliver the DEARMAN when the relationship is our top priority. G=Gentle; I=Interest; V=Validate; E=Easy manner.
Marielle explains why Interpersonal Effectiveness skills are best accessed in Wise Mind.
Paying attention to body language and eye contact can help us be more effective when communicating with others.
Sometimes it’s actually more effective to do the opposite of what our emotions are telling us.
Trying to understand where the other person is coming from helps them feel understood and can improve our relationships.
Having an easy manner is helpful when preserving or improving the relationship is the most important thing.
Some questions that you can ask yourself to get clear about your priorities in each interpersonal situation.
The FAST skill is used when your self-respect is most important. F=Fair; A= no Apologies; S=Stick to values; T=Truthful.
These interpersonal effectiveness skills take thought, planning, and practice. They are also quite nuanced.

Links:

www.bayareadbtcc.com

Ask Us a Question!

We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here.

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.

Next Episode

#8: Emotional Over-Control with Neil Howell, MFT

Are you someone who’s good at getting things done, following the rules and planning ahead? These can be wonderful traits to have but you may notice that focusing on doing everything right interferes with relaxing, enjoying life and connecting with others. This is known as “emotional over-control” or “OC” and today Marielle sits down with Neill Howell, MFT, to talk about it.

Neil is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating those who are emotionally over-controlled. Neil and Marielle talk about RO-DBT, or Radically-Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and how it can help you learn to loosen the reigns of self-control and connect authentically to others. RO-DBT has been around for over 20 years and there’s clinical research behind this approach that’s really gaining a lot of momentum right now. It gets into the heart of things that other treatments haven’t been reaching. If you or a loved one are emotionally over-controlled, you don’t want to miss this fascinating discussion on how RO-DBT can be not only therapeutic, but a FUN treatment, as well. Listen in!

Show Highlights:

Folks who are over-controlled or “OC” are very responsible but sometimes responsibility can be too much of a good thing
OC folks often compulsively strive to do more and get the next thing done but have a hard time slowing down, resting and being playful
On the outside, OC folks look like they are doing everything “right”
Hiding emotions and not letting people in is a big part of being over-controlled. Some people hide their emotions with a neutral facial expression and others mask their true feelings with inauthentic facial expressions, such as a fake smile.
Being over-controlled has a biological component: it usually shows up at a young age with shyness and a heightened threat awareness, which leads to anxiety
Over-control also has an environmental component: children learn that making mistakes is intolerable and that they should always strive to do better
When you’re over-controlled, you don’t need more control, you need strategies to help address the underlying problem
Emotional loneliness is a big part of being OC and many OC folks secretly worry that they are just not that likable
Many OC folks live life in a rigid way which makes it hard to form genuine friendships, which require openness and flexibility
Self-inquiry is the primary mindfulness practice in RO-DBT that starts with the premise that nobody knows everything and neither does anyone else, therefore, we all have something to learn
The 2 rigid mindsets: fixed mind and fatalistic mind
Approach coping and staying open to a better solution
Emotional leakage and how to express emotion at an intensity that a person is comfortable with

Links & Resources:

www.bayareadbtcc.com

www.neilhowellpsychotherapy.com

http://www.radicallyopen.net/about-ro-dbt/

Ask Us a Question!

We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question here.

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.