The Brain Language Podcast

Significant Patterns in NLP for harmonious relationships:

Unless you happen to find your soul mate (what is that mean anyway?) you are probably going to have ups and downs in your relationships. And even soul mates aren’t perfect.

NLP offers effective processes for keeping you and your partner or family member, boss, employee, etc. on the right track.

What are some of the processes in NLP that help people navigate the ups and downs of relationships?

• Outcomes
• Rapport – especially breathing
• Sensory acuity
• Calibration
• Anchoring
• Conflict resolution
• Align Perceptual Positions – boundaries and 2nd position
• Aligning neurological levels
• Understanding LAB profile patterns – especially convincers, internal/external, away/toward/criteria
• Forgiveness process
• Counterexample process
• Role of language: using verbs instead of nouns: relationships to relating; work to working; communication to communicating

What are the most significant skills and processes in NLP to help with good relationships?

Rapport, 2nd position, Releasing Emotional Enmeshment, active listening, anchoring, forgiveness, outcomes, meta-model, understanding maps of perception

Time is an elusive concept. Yes, Time is a concept. It doesn't exist the way we think it does. We can keep track of time on a clock. Because of that people tend to quantify time, having too much time on their hands or too little time. We have dozens of linguistic metaphors around time, i.e. Time flies or Time is money or you are running out of time or he is living on borrowed time. From an NLP point of view, the concept of time is in our heads. How we organized time in our head determines how much we get done, how we organize tasks, how we perceive events. In this podcast, we explore how the organization of time can affect how much we get done. If you want "more time", listen up! By the way, there is no such thing as Time Management. It is more accurately termed Activity Management.
[Note: the completion of Sleight of Mouth Patterns will be in Episode #53]

When many people start out doing something new, they ask for confidence to do it. They are wanting to motivate themselves to do something new. What makes people think they can be confident doing something they have never done or done enough to get good at it. The episode discusses the Bandura Curve (the study of performance versus expectation) and how we often compare our performance to our expectations rather than where we started.
We learn how to do something and get good at it through practice and learning. Competence comes from practice. Then confidence builds from that. NLP has numerous processes that can help us with self-assurance when learning how to do something. Self-assurance is what we need to ask for!

A part is a metaphor that can be thought of as a collection of beliefs, ideas, abilities, and states that have less connection with other states. You could think of them as subsystems that operate in people more or less independently of the whole or other subsystems. For example, a person may think of themselves as confident but in one area have a part of them that is doubtful of their abilities. A part usually represents a behavior, idea, or belief that can be separated out from the whole, as in ...” a part of me wants...” Satir used ‘parts to describe various aspects of self. Parts often make themselves present when we have a conflict. This concept is used in reframing and gestalt therapy.
We become aware of parts when they behave or think in a way that is adversarial or in opposition to what we want. I’ve heard people refer to these parts as ‘negative’. By giving parts new choices and allowing them to continue their jobs, parts can be transforming from being “against you” to helping you accomplish exactly what you want. By showing parts respect for the job they are doing, they can easily turn from doing something you don’t want to do to doing something you want to do. It is always important to respect parts. The cool thing is we never get rid of a part. We give it choices that are more conducive to a happy healthy system. A six-step reframe is a process that negotiates with parts. After an outcome is established, the part can be given additional choices that are at least as effective as the present choice that will continually enable the part to do its job – accomplish its intention. Parts become your ally and friend. It is happy because it is getting what it wants and you are happy because you are getting what you want.

Many people think they know what they want but haven’t taken the time to discover what they are asking for. It is easy to say, I want to be a great leader or business person or salesperson or wife, husband, chef, manager, etc. but do not have criteria or even what values or beliefs or behaviors a leader, etc. would have or what they would demonstrate to be a good leader, etc. Here is a shortlist of 10 things that are necessary to be effective at a leadership level.

1. Be an excellent communicator – which means ask for clarification, command respect, add value to people
2. Know the rules and have clear boundaries – avoid bad-mouthing people you know. Have a clear idea of how to be and how to do it.
3. Readers – in other words, read, read, read. A lot of great ideas come from books written by people who have blazed a trail. You still have the ability to make what you learn to fit your style.
4. Problem solvers – problems are challenges to learn and grow. Using creativity and intuition to get answers, try different ideas and methods
5. Resourceful – they have internal resources, such as compassion, intuition, choice, flexibility, perception, listening skills, clear boundaries, intelligence, effective emotional state management, clear goals, creativity, balance, perspective
6. Coachable and trainable – leaders are open to learning new things, new ideas, new ways of doing things. They accept challenges in a positive light.
7. Self Mastery – they believe that the way to lead others is to be able to lead yourself. To be able to lead yourself, you must master yourself, know your inner world, what your values are, what motivates you, what inspires you.
8. Visionaries – they must be able to see the big picture, step back and look at things from a variety of perspectives, see beyond where they are now, beyond convention, and persuade others to engage. See something that no one else sees.
9. Emotional Intelligence - the ability to identify and manage their own emotions and the emotions of others.
10. Trustworthy – in other words, you can count on them to do what they say, say what they do, and keep you informed.

Some of these overlap but for certain, a powerful list from which to start your own journey. The ability to lead oneself and manage oneself is a hallmark of effective leadership. Effective leadership involves being and doing qualities of people, not just behavior (doing).
Anyone who wants to achieve something in their life needs to be self-aware. Without self-awareness, you are clueless about why something may or may not be working. With self-awareness, a person tends to have more empathy and compassion. Where does your journey begin?

Here is one of my favorite quotes about leaders:

Genuine leaders, such as Abraham Lincoln, are not only instruments of change, they are catalysts for change... Lincoln's obsessive quest for results tended to create a climate for risk-taking and innovation. Inevitably there were failures, but Lincoln had great tolerance for failure because he knew that if his generals were not making mistakes they were not moving... The president viewed the failures of his generals as mistakes, learning events, or steps in the right direction... An often overlooked component of leadership is this ability to learn from people and experiences, from successes and failures. The best leaders never stop learning. Lincoln on Leadership, by Donald T. Phillips