I Want My Addict Partner to SUFFER; to Feel TERRIBLE like I do! Is that Normal? How Can I Stop this Feeling?!

06/27/23 • 30 min

1 Listener

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In Episode 182, Mark and Steve respond to a very authentic, vulnerable and VERY direct question from a PBSE listener—
"Can you address this question on your podcast? I want my partner to suffer the same hurt as he inflicted on me. I actually want him to feel terrible. Why do I feel this way. How can I stop feeling this way? "
- What does "Betrayal Trauma" look like and feel like when you are the partner of a sex/porn addict?
- Why does Betrayal Trauma feel "crazy;" create "emotional variability;" and even what might seem like a "split personality"?!
- What is "under" all the INTENSE emotions surrounding Betrayal Trauma? How can you move from a "symptoms focus" to addressing the "deep core issues"?
- Is "stopping" the intense feelings of Betrayal Trauma really the best answer? How can you "move through" these feelings to learn, become more authentic, create and hold boundaries, establish your own support system and sources of health and wellbeing and "become your own person"?
- If you are an sex/porn addict in recovery or thinking of getting to that place, what valuable insights and lessons can YOU learn from your partner's Betrayal Trauma?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

Previous Episode

Evolve from Treating the “Symptoms of Addiction” to a Real & Lasting “Change of Heart & Mind."

In episode 180, Mark and Steve address an insightful inquiry from a porn/sex addict seeking a real and lasting change of heart and mind in his recovery. Here's how he describes his situation—
"Hello! I am a recovering porn addict, and I have been listening to your podcast for the past six months or so. I have had a CSAT for the past nine months and started going to 12-step meetings around the same time. The recovery process has been hard, but I have begun to finally uncover some of the needs that I have been trying to meet or ignore by using porn. It has been in some ways exciting to have a better understanding of my insecurities which I have unknowingly been trying to shore up with porn. But now that I have started to pull back the curtain, I’m not sure of the best way to move forward. How can I practically retrain myself to address my insecurities in a healthy way, now that those insecurities have been at least partly revealed? Just the knowledge of how my coping mechanisms are unhealthy and an idea of what a healthy response would be doesn’t actually change my heart or my brain. I can tell myself truths repeatedly and I can set up daily reminders of what would be healthy, but that does not seem to offer much in the way of real heart change. I know this question is very broad and answers may be insecurity/situation specific, but if there are any recommendations for how to really internalize healthy responses, I would appreciate it. "
- Why do porn/sex addiction “symptoms” seemingly get all the attention and focus?
- What is the difference between treating addiction “symptoms” and uncovering and healing the “core causes/issues” and why does this matter?
- How does all of this relate to “co-dependencies” and relying on the “external” to soothe the “internal”?
- Why can addicts in recovery become burned out, complacent, disillusioned and give in to the so-called “inevitability of addiction relapse”?
- How does an addict in recovery move from “sobriety” to a “real and lasting change” of mind and heart?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

Next Episode

“Clearing Away the Wreckage of Your Past"—Recovery Lessons from Steve’s Metal Detecting Trip

Almost 30 years ago, when PBSE co-founder Steve Moore was 13-years-old, his father was killed in a plane crash. This traumatic event played a big role in Steve developing an addiction to pornography as a young teen. A few weeks ago, Steve traveled to his father's plane crash site to "uncover the wreckage of his past." In this special episode, Steve relates his experience directly to how crucial "uncovering and clearing away the wreckage of your past" is to recovery and healing—
- “Scanning the Surface” sometimes brings insights about what is below the surface, and vice-versa.
- Meditation, or “quiet time” in recovery is easy to under-estimate and/or neglect.
- Exploring the “Physical Avatars”, or examples of trauma/one’s past can be a powerful experience, but should be done cautiously.
- Whatever methods you choose to explore your past, be on the look-out for opportunities for "post-traumatic growth."
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services