I Have Habitually, Continually Lied to My Partner! Is There Any Hope for Me and Us?

03/12/24 • 35 min

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In Episode 219, Mark & Steve get super passionate in addressing a heart-felt, yet tragic submission from a PBSE listener. Here's what he had to say—
Hi, I would love it if you guys could do a podcast around the effects of years of lies and trickle truths on a full disclosure? I've been a PA for 18 years roughly and i've had a hard time coming to terms with my addiction and its consequences. My partner and i have been together 4 years and she found out 1.5 years ago that I was being unfaithful through my excessive pornography and social media consumption.
I have always had a hard time running away from conflict and I have a history of communication trauma and sexual assault in childhood. I done everything wrong with my partner, I lied and lied time and time again, I minimized and justified my actions where I felt I could and for most of my "recovery" I just found sneakier ways to access pornography and just flat out refused to be accountable for the hurt it would cause my partner in these moments. I don't think my addict brain could fathom accountability at these low points.
I allowed my partner to dig through every site/app/device and find just troves of visits to profiles and video history, bank transactions. This happened hundred of times over the year and with each new item discovered my partners pain Increased. I had every opportunity to be upfront and honest to my best friend and partner but I was reluctant to let go of that fear. Its like my addicted brain was convinced its easier to sprinkle dust onto her than to drop a ton of bricks but thats just not true at all.
Unfortunately i have realized a lot of things too late for my partner at this point and we have just recently moved into a state of in house separation. We both have CSAT therapists but are in very early days of this and still have a long way to go. My reason for reaching out is due to the fact that my entire life at this point (our relationship/my dog / my home/my job) relies on openness and full disclosure. Is there any hope that I can ever navigate around the fact that i allowed my partner to be the detective and she uncovered at least 95% of what I've done with a measly 5% being my efforts. We have spoken for a year and a half about aspects of my addiction and I struggle to dig deep and expand on my occasions of acting out. This coupled with lack of honesty just breeds an environment for my partner to rightfully wonder, "What the hell do I not know? " I'm sorry if this seems a bit all over the place , but I’ve tried to express my situation the best I can. I appreciate the work that you guys and everyone involved do to make this available for people.
- Why do habitual lying and addiction nearly always go together? Why do addicts fear telling the whole truth and being "seen" in their totality?
- When a relationship account is SEVERELY overdrawn and operating from a deep deficit, is their any hope for reconciliation?
- Why is acceptance of, accountability for, and consistent verbal acknowledgment and validation of the pain the addict has caused, CRITICAL for both him and his partner?
- How can the addict use the "language of safety" and the ACTIONS that follow it to show true empathy, real amends and lasting change?
- Proactive, DAILY transparency, not just around sobriety, is essential!
- Why the addict must PRACTICE daily vulnerability, not only in his marriage, but in all his relationships.
- What place does "Formal Disclosure" have in this process?

Previous Episode

As an Addict, are you “Weaponizing your Weaknesses” as a Reason to NOT Commit to and Live “Real” Recovery?

In Episode 218, we address two similar questions that we received from partners who are in betrayal trauma healing as a result of their addict spouse's sex/porn addiction behaviors. Here's an excerpt from each of the questions submitted—
Partner #1—My husband and I have been together for 3 years. In late 2022, I found out he had been emotional cheating/porn-using our entire relationship. It continued until the fall of 2023. I have given him feedback on what I need from him to start trusting again and he tells me that I am putting too much on his plate. That he can only remember to do so much at once. In my opinion showing love and respect should come naturally in a relationship. How do I navigate this? Is it a loss cause?
Partner #2—My addict partner does have some mental health challenges—ADHD and mild Autism—but, he can focus and show deep emotion in various life situations, but NOT for me when I share my pain and desires for his recovery. He responds—"Well, what if I can't do that? What if I'm not capable of that?" It feels like he's using his mental health challenges as a crutch and an excuse for his poor thinking patterns.
We (Mark and Steve) can SO relate to these two scenarios! We have both suffered from the feelings of huge "overwhelm/too much on our plates," and from the challenges of mental health struggles. A super significant part of our own recoveries, helping to create a healing environment for our partners, and making consistent deposits into our relationship trust accounts, was coming to healthy balance between "reasons/explanations" and "proactive accountability." We found too often that we were "weaponizing our weaknesses" and this created a huge barrier between us and moving forward with "real" daily, consistent recovery.
In this episode, we talk about the healthy role of reasons/explanations and how, at the same time, to take full accountability for one's daily recovery and meeting the needs of a partner as she progresses on her healing journey.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

Next Episode

How Can my Family & Friends Support Me & My Partner in Recovery? How Much Should We Share & with Whom?

In Episode 220, Mark & Steve talk about a challenge in porn/sex addiction and betrayal trauma healing that is all about a "third party"—the family and friends of the addict and partner. Here's a situation submitted by a PBSE listener—
Hey guys. Would you consider doing a podcast episode about advice for friends or family trying to support the addict and/or the betrayed partner? It’s like I want to send my friends a guide around [how they can support me] Eg: being “supportive no matter what” & helping them understand why a partner may stay due to the nature of it all being addiction outside of sex. I guess I’m struggling to explain to my friends what I’m experiencing with my grief, relationship with God, triggers etc. They are amazing friends but they struggle to understand that it was an addiction and not him just being a cheater. So they just want what’s best for me & think I need to leave. Just an idea on a helpful episode/s for us!
For the Coupleship:
- Decide as a couple, as much as possible, how much you want to share with others and then HONOR that agreement.
- It's your story - don’t feel obligated to overshare!

For the Partner & Addict:
- Be selective about who you confide in.
- Sharing is a one-way street (you can't "un-share" later).
- Before sharing, consider the benefits and drawbacks:
- How can this person be of help?
- How could sharing with them impact me negatively?
- Do they have the capacity to bear the weight of this information emotionally?
- Always be authentic, but use wisdom in how deep you go.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services