010: Three Little Words That Can Mess up Your Life (Part 2) — Need

11/09/20 • 16 min

In this second part of a miniseries on the words we say to ourselves that create tension and distress, today’s word is “Need.” Today we talk about: The psychological theories of needs, which are in fact theories of human motivation. Byron Katie’s radical approach to needs. The fallacy of speaking in terms of absolute needs. How to use the word “need” in a relative context. Practice Semantic Method — replacing “need” with “It would be nice if...” or “I would prefer it if...” and remembering that the use of the word “need” implies the subordinating conjunction “in order to” (relative contextualization). See Also (1943), by Abraham Maslow (2008), by Edward Deci & Richard Ryan (2001), by Byron Katie Music: Night on the Docks - Sax by Kevin MacLeod Link: License:

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009: Three Little Words That Can Mess up Your Life (Part 1) — Should

Are you “shoulding” all over yourself? The word “Should” happens to be one of the most insidious in the English language. In today’s episode, we talk about how: Psychoanalyst Karen Horney called “The Tyranny of the Should” this tendency to create an idealized self and a rejection of the real self. Albert Ellis spoke about the three kinds of “musts.” Using the word “should” is conveying criticism, like “scolding” oneself (or others). The value statements implied by that word are arbitrary and relative. The laws of Nature do not follow any “should,” but instead are what they are, and we don’t get a vote. Practice Rephrasing — replacing “should” with “is” or “does” or “I would prefer it if...” Reattribution — considering the alternative causes of events and behaviors. Positive Reframing — acknowledging that Should Statements come out of a very good place in you, that they reflect positive attributes and values, and that there is a helpful side to holding those beliefs. See Also , by Karen Horney , by Albert Ellis , the Online Etymology Dictionary

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011: Three Little Words That Can Mess up Your Life (Part 3) — Want

Today’s topic is about the word “want.” Even though we spent the last two episodes talking about how having preferences is a healthy alternative to imposing “shoulds” or “needs” upon ourselves. I present here three reasons why we fall into some thinking traps when we use the word “want.” Those reasons are: We don’t really know what is best for us. We tell ourselves that we want one thing, when evidence points to the contrary. We mainly know what we don’t want, rather than what we do want. See Also (2006), by Dan Gilbert , by Aesop (2009), by Rick Hanson Music: Eastern Thought by Kevin MacLeod Link: License: