Parenting Post-Wilderness: Parenting a Struggling Teen Before, During and After Treatment - 103. Sobriety: What Does It Mean and Is It Really That Important?

103. Sobriety: What Does It Mean and Is It Really That Important?

08/13/24 • 25 min

Parenting Post-Wilderness: Parenting a Struggling Teen Before, During and After Treatment

You want your teen to be sober, don’t you? But aren’t you focusing on the wrong goal by expecting your teen not to drink any alcohol or take any substances? And what does being sober actually mean? Does it mean the same thing to you as it does to your teen?
“Progress, navigation, experimentation, these are normal parts of teenage and young-adult life” - Seth Gottlieb
Sobriety is a complex topic and I’m grateful to be having a deep discussion with Seth today, who has some interesting takes while sharing about his own thoughts and feelings from his path to sobriety.
Here’s one big takeaway from today’s episode: We have to remember the goal. Is the goal to check a box, out of fear and insecurity? Or is the goal a happy and healthy teen?
“There’s this one little piece, [sobriety] and if we focus on that piece, ... you’re missing the entire context of other things that they’re accomplishing and other progress they’re making in their lives” - Beth
As parents, we often go black and white. Sober or addict. I get that. First of all, I’ve been there. Second of all, we’re often dealing with very young brains and it feels like there’s so much at stake!
But what if they need this experimentation to figure out whether or not this is something that can be a part of their life?
Join us today in this discussion about what sobriety means, to you and to your struggling teen, and whether it should be a goal to strive for or not.
In this episode on what it means to be sober and whether it’s really that important, we discuss:

A multiple pathways approach versus a one-shoe-fits-all, abstinence policy;
Focussing on the root cause versus the symptom of drinking or using drugs;
Creating a safe space for your teen to confide in you;
What does sobriety mean to you? And what does it mean to your teen?;
Is sobriety a good goal to strive for or should we be focusing on something else?;
And much more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

🌱 LIVE Online Workshop 'Resolve The Cycle of Conflict' 🌱
May 2nd & 16th, 2025
Sign up or learn more over at www.bethhillmancoaching.com/conflictworkshop
I hope to see you there!

A multiple pathways approach versus a one-shoe-fits-all, abstinence policy;
Focussing on the root cause versus the symptom of drinking or using drugs;
Creating a safe space for your teen to confide in you;
What does sobriety mean to you? And what does it mean to your teen?;
Is sobriety a good goal to strive for or should we be focusing on something else?;
And much more!

Need support?

🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

🌱 LIVE Online Workshop 'Resolve The Cycle of Conflict' 🌱
May 2nd & 16th, 2025
Sign up or learn more over at www.bethhillmancoaching.com/conflictworkshop
I hope to see you there!

Previous Episode

102. Why Your Teen Isn’t Acting Like an Adult

Why doesn’t your teen learn from their mistakes? Or admit when they’re wrong? Why can’t they just act like an adult? If you’ve ever wondered about any of these, you’re not alone. To answer these questions, we’re diving into the world of teenage brain development and what it means for us as parents. Spoiler alert: it’s not as straightforward as you think.
Whenever your teen is acting out, you might think “In what world do you think this is okay?” Here’s our take: In the world where they thought they wouldn’t get caught and in the world where they never experienced this before. This highlights a key issue: teens lack the life experience and brain development necessary to foresee consequences and regulate their emotions consistently.

Here’s the thing: The human brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25.

This means that emotional regulation is inconsistent, at best. Your teen is in the process of learning but hasn't mastered how to handle intense emotions yet. Reacting impulsively or avoiding situations altogether is a normal part of this learning curve. Growing the brain takes experience. It's through real-world consequences—whether legal, parental, or social—that they start to understand what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t.

One of the biggest challenges we face as parents is letting our kids gain these experiences, especially when they come back from treatment. We see them physically growing up and get smarter, so it’s easy to forget they aren’t adults yet. They might look and sometimes sound like it, but their brains are still catching up.

"If they haven’t had a lived experience in a certain thing, I don’t know how they would actually know"- Beth Hillman

By understanding your teen’s developmental stage, you can better support them become independent adults. Let’s discuss all of this more in today’s episode.

In this episode on why your teen isn’t acting like an adult, we discuss:

How the human brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25;
The only way our teens learn what is acceptable and accepted, and what isn’t, is through real-world life experience;
The difference between a controlled environment and being controlling;
The importance of setting boundaries and enforcing consequences to guide behavior.
How teens' survival brain impacts their decision-making, often leading to impulsive actions;
Teens are still learning how to manage intense emotions;
And more!

Need support?
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!

You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

🌱 LIVE Online Workshop 'Resolve The Cycle of Conflict' 🌱
May 2nd & 16th, 2025
Sign up or learn more over at www.bethhillmancoaching.com/conflictworkshop
I hope to see you there!

Next Episode

104. Encouraging vs. Enabling: How to Help Your Teen Without Holding Them Back With Therapist Trevor Allen

As parents, it’s natural to want to do everything we can to support our struggling teens or young adults. But where do we draw the line between encouraging them to grow and enabling them to remain dependent?

It’s a delicate balance and I’m joined again by therapist Trevor Allen to dive into one of the more challenging questions for any parent: How do we figure out what our teens are truly capable of?

How much should you be doing for your kids? Should you be doing something for them when they can do it themselves?

It’s tempting to step in and help, especially when you see your teen struggling. But here’s the catch: by doing too much, we might be taking away the very opportunities they need to learn, grow, and mature.

Because the truth is: growth happens in the struggle.

It’s in those moments of challenge and difficulty that our teens build resilience and develop the skills they’ll need for life.

In this episode, we also explore the concept of self-efficacy, or the belief in one’s ability to succeed.

“As parents, we have to somehow be able to open up the possibility of them actually being successful, which does open up the possibility of them failing again. But we have to be willing to open up a certain amount” - Beth Hillman

It’s a tricky balance, but it’s essential for their growth.

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering how much is too much when it comes to helping your teen, this episode is for you. Trevor and I unpack these complex questions and offer practical insights on how to support your teen in a way that empowers them to take charge of their own life.

In this episode on encouraging vs. enabling, we discuss:

How can you determine what your struggling teen or young adult is capable of in order to set appropriate expectations and boundaries based on their capabilities?;
How to decide how much you can help your teen without enabling dependency;
The growth that comes from struggle and the importance of allowing your teen to face challenges independently;
Avoiding the mindset of “they’re not doing it, so they can’t do it,” and recognizing when your actions cross the line from supportive to enabling;
The importance of getting to know your child deeply to understand what they truly need, rather than focusing on getting them to do more or less;
How you can help your teen without doing things entirely for them by taking baby steps out of enabling;
Your role as a parent in helping your teen build the necessary skills to overcome their challenges without overwhelming them;
The need for you to open up the possibility of your teen being successful, even if it means risking failure;
The importance of self-efficacy and its role in your teen’s development.

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

🌱 LIVE Online Workshop 'Resolve The Cycle of Conflict' 🌱
May 2nd & 16th, 2025
Sign up or learn more over at www.bethhillmancoaching.com/conflictworkshop
I hope to see you there!