Talking to Tween & Teen Boys

03/23/23 • 46 min

Jonathon Reed has a lot of experience talking to tween & teen boys.

As a program manager with NextGenMen, a Canadian organization dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity, Reed frequently works with boys in grades 6-8. He says that while boys today are more comfortable wearing pink than they were a generation or so ago, they still face pressure to think and act in certain ways.

“There’s a lot of ‘boys don’t cry,'” Reed says. “There’s still pressure to get girls or be in a relationship.”

Gender Narratives Are Shifting

Societal expectations of boys & men are shifting. Consider Iron Man, the superhero. Traditionally, male superheros are supposed to super strong and invulnerable. Iron Man, of course, is strong, but in the Avengers movies, he’s shown as struggling with some anxiety and PTSD symptoms due to the “scary stuff he had experienced while defending New York City,” Reed says.

These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Our interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.

“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.

School Stress Affects Many Boys

Tween and teen boys may seem like they don’t care about school, but many are struggling with academic stress and school-related pressure.

“The stress related to academics still looms really large in the lives of young people,” Reed says. We can help boys by reassuring them and reminding them, over and over, that grades and school performance are not a mark of a person’s worth.

All boys need validation — perhaps, especially, the boys who are in “the middle of the pack” and aren’t getting accolades for academic or athletic performance. Let go of your preconceived expectations, and look for things to value and affirm in the boys you love and work with.

Remember, too, that boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.”

Approach Conversations with Curiosity

Teenage boys (and all humans) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. You’ll have better luck discussing difficult subject if you approach conversations with curiosity, Reed says.

“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” he says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jonathon discuss:

Gender expectations for boys
Learning from boys
What boys talk about
Why it’s hard for boys to ask for help
Using boys interests to talk about deeper topics
Talking to tween & teen about Andrew Tate
Discussing consent
How building up boys’ confidence increases their ability to resist peer pressure & handle rejection
Helping boys recognize & respect their boundaries
Boy culture

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

NextGenMen website

Raising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episode

Breaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episode

Teen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott

Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episode

NextGenMen’s Future of Masculinity summit — FREE event Apr. 21 & Apr. 28,2023

Sponsor Spotlight:

Jonathon Reed has a lot of experience talking to tween & teen boys.

“There’s a lot of ‘boys don’t cry,'” Reed says. “There’s still pressure to get girls or be in a relationship.”

Gender Narratives Are Shifting

“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.

School Stress Affects Many Boys

Tween and teen boys may seem like they don’t care about school, but many are struggling with academic stress and school-related pressure.

Approach Conversations with Curiosity

“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” he says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jonathon discuss:

Gender expectations for boys
Learning from boys
What boys talk about
Why it’s hard for boys to ask for help
Using boys interests to talk about deeper topics
Talking to tween & teen about Andrew Tate
Discussing consent
How building up boys’ confidence increases their ability to resist peer pressure & handle rejection
Helping boys recognize & respect their boundaries
Boy culture

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

NextGenMen website

Raising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episode

Breaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episode

Teen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott

Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episode

NextGenMen’s Future of Masculinity summit — FREE event Apr. 21 & Apr. 28,2023

Sponsor Spotlight:

Previous Episode

Michael Gurian - Raising Boys

When Michael Gurian published The Wonder of Boys in 1996, there "wasn't any national consciousness about boys' issues," he says.

A quarter century later, there are dozens of books about boys, and parents, educators, and politicians alike are realizing that we must address boys' issues if we are to address the current epidemic of violence. Yet despite this progress, "we are still talking about ancillary concepts as to why these boys kill people rather than getting to the root causes of what's going on," Gurian says. We also "still don't systemically understand boys or how to raise them."

What Parents Need to Know About Male Depression

Male depression, for instance, is often unrecognized (and untreated) because it is covert. A boy who immerses himself in video games, does just enough school work to get by, or uses drugs or alcohol may actually be depressed. As many as 10-20% of males may be experiencing unrecognized depression, and these males are having an outsized impact on our culture and lives, Gurian says.

Parents, healthcare providers, and counselors need to learn about male development -- and they need to learn how to recognize and respond to the signs of male depression, which may include anger, irritability, withdrawal, and substance use. Parents and educators must also partner together to figure out how to help boys succeed in school.

How Parents Can Partner with Schools to Help Boys Succeed

"Parents and schools need to get really well connected around a specific question: How do we make sure the boys can succeed as well as the girls?" Gurian says.

He suggests parents of boys connect with other parents of boys (from at least 3 other families) to create teams to share info, gather data, and approach school administration, expressing their concern and willingness to help address gender disparities in academics and discipline referrals.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:

Progress we've made -- and not made -- regarding boys' issues over the last 2+ decades
What the Left and Right get wrong about boys & men
Why you may want to consider going organic
Male depression
The need to train healthcare providers & counselors in male development
Importance of fathers and male mentoring
Advocating for boys at school
How tech affects boys' brains
Boys & violence
Male bonding
"Toxic masculinity"

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Next Episode

How to Build Your Village

You can build your village, says Florence Ann Romano.

Most of us have heard that “it takes a village” to help children and adults thrive. We also want to know where $%@ the village went! Parenting today — often, far from extended family — can be an isolating experience.

You don’t have to do it all alone, though. In her new book Build Your Village: Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, Romano, a childcare advocate and former nanny, shows parents how to create and nurture community.

Your Village Should Be Unique

“Trying to replicate other people’s villages is where we get into a little bit of trouble,” Romano says. We can feel inferior and depleted when we compare our “village” — our support system — to others. But we all have unique needs, skills, and talents, so our villages should look different.

“Every family has their own ethos and values,” Romano says.

You need to be vulnerable and honest when you begin building (or shoring up) your village. That part can be uncomfortable; it’s hard to admit — even to ourselves — what we need and might be missing. But “asking for help is absolutely imperative,” Romano says.

Taking time to identify your passions and personal interests can also help you populate your village. Why not join a local MeetUp group, or volunteer at, say, your local humane society? Interacting with people who share common interests and goals increases the likelihood that you’ll connect with others who “get” you. And that’s a big part of any village.

“No matter how old you are, you want to be seen, heard, and understood,” Romano says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Florence discuss: