3 Ways To Support Your Spouse When You Disagree

04/15/15 • 18 min

I know what you’re thinking. Why on earth would I want to support my spouse when we’re fighting? Well, because you want to stay married, that’s why. That’s the “brutally-loving” truth! But, there’s more. It makes fighting productive. Yes. That’s right. I mean it. It actually makes the conflict helpful for your marriage. Now, I could go down a rabbit trail about why fighting is good for your marriage but I want you to think about your beliefs about fighting and disagreeing instead. We generally assume that as conflict increases in a marriage, the couple’s satisfaction with their marriage decreases. That’s a good assumption. It is usually correct. But focusing on stopping the conflict as a way to improve satisfaction just leads to avoidance. That’s not going to work. Research in a study presented by Cramer (2003) pointed out that if you focus on unconditional acceptance, understanding, and openness, as those increase, marriage satisfaction increases regardless of the quantity of conflict. Pretty cool, hey? This underlines the importance of focusing on the positive, of affirming what you want more of, and overall, the importance of building a healthy, thriving marriage. When that is in place, it’s not about how much you fight anymore. I want you to worry more about the quality of your marriage (infusing the good) rather than the number of your disagreements. In terms of positive things, you can bring to your next disagreement, let’s look at three that are critical. These skills will improve the quality of your marriage. Listen We talk a lot about listening because it is important! Non-defensive listening is vital here. This is a skill that helps “partners to focus their attention on what the other person is saying and to attempt to really understand it. This skill reduces interruptions and the preoccupation with defending oneself and formulating retorts” (Gottman, 1994). That’s a critical definition, and a useful one. You might want to even write that down. Of course, to listen non-defensively is a challenge when we’re already ticked off at our spouse. But you’re doing this for your marriage, not just yourself, right? To listen in this manner is going to require self-restraint. As in, restraining your impulse to dispute your spouse’s perceptions. Don’t worry, the research confirms this is going to be a challenge: “Non-defensive listening requires significant self-control, particularly when there is an important disagreement and passions run high” Fowers, (2001). Think of this as a skill. Like learning to ride a bike, you won’t get it right the first time. There’ll be bumps and scrapes but eventually, you will make this a habit. And when you do, you’ll have discovered that you can keep your partner speaking while you exercise self-restraint. This is a huge act of generosity! It is giving to your spouse the gift of attention and interest and it’s sending your spouse the signal that you believe he or she has something worthwhile to say. So we can be generous or miserly with each other. But generosity, remember, is a top-five predictor of a successful marriage and so I’m challenging you to be generous by choosing to listen well. Validate Of course, if you are doing a good job of listening you’ll be well-positioned to validate your spouse. Validation can be as simple as what we therapists call “listener backchannels”. As in, those simple verbal cues that tell the other person you’re following them. Things like, “mmhmm” and “yeah...” and nodding, eye contact and all that good stuff. When you do this it doesn’t need to mean that you agree. But it is just saying to your spouse that you’re listening, you’re interested, and you may have your own point of view but you want to hear him or her out. That’s the key point. I’m not asking you to agree with your spouse. I am asking you to communicate that you understand her/his feelings and you acknowledge those fe...

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Marriage After Your First Child

I read a comic strip once about pregnancy and childbirth that had the title “Help, my entertainment center is now a juice bar!" While it struck my funny bone, there is so much truth in that statement. We may think that adding our firstborn to the family will be all hunky-dory, fun and games, but the reality is it usually results in a DECREASE in marital quality. Navigating the relationship issues that transpire following the birth of a child can be tough! If you’re a young parent reading this today, know that you guys are awesome! You may not feel awesome most days, but keep going. Props to you for navigating these tough times while bringing a new generation into the world. So, what really goes on in our relationships and with our sexuality following the birth of a child? Let’s talk about some realistic expectations, and how to create resiliency in your marriage to make this as positive an experience as possible. The ‘New’ Norm It is no surprise that a woman’s sexual desire and the frequency of intercourse in the early postpartum period is reduced. What surprised me was that breastfeeding was the cause. Another thing that affects sexual intercourse during pregnancy and four months postpartum is the woman’s view of her changing roles. If the woman views her shift from the work role being primary to the mother role being primary in a positive light, there will be a greater frequency of sexual intercourse. If you’re in this stage of life, be sure to discuss, as a couple, how you’re feeling about moving from being in the workforce to becoming a mother. Talk about what is positive, what you’re going to miss, and what you expect to be challenging. Given that physical intimacy is reduced around the birth of a child, let us emphasize that having kids is NOT an ideal way to bring life or intimacy to your marriage. Rather than looking to baby to fulfill a need, bring your fullness to your baby. Use those first few years of marriage to focus on building a robust relationship, and from that healthy place, bring children into the family unit. Another normal complication, which may be quite unpleasant, is Dyspareunia - pain during intercourse for women. The research says that 3 months after delivery 58% of women experienced dyspareunia, 39% experienced vaginal dryness, and 44% suffered a loss of sexual desire. Those are high numbers! 8-9 months later 26% still experienced dyspareunia, 22% had vaginal dryness, and 35% still suffered a loss of sexual desire. The scary part is only 20% of women discussed postnatal sexual problems with a physician. You may think you are alone or unique, but you’re not! Talk to your doctor! You can’t have pleasurable sex if you’re in pain while your husband’s penis is in your vagina. It is such a common issue and nothing to be ashamed about. Again, make sure you talk to your doctor. I laughed at the results of the next study we looked at: they studied 768 first time parents and found that sexual desire is greater among fathers than mothers! Really... what a surprise! Unfortunately, though, the tension between the sexual desires of the couple can become a focus of attention rather than the baby. Add into the equation that men typically see sexuality as a way to intimacy, and women see intimacy as a way to sexuality, and it gets tricky. The husband can very quickly end up lonely and feeling emotional emptiness, but when Wife is experiencing pain and exhaustion, what are they to do? One idea is to place more of an emphasis on sensuality over sexuality – hugging, kissing and caressing. Couples that compensate with this are better able to stay connected because it confirms each other and the affection they have for one another. Another part for tired young moms to remember here is that you may have low desire because you are tired, but you can still be open to arousal. It’s the difference between going to bed wanting to do something versus going to bed willing...

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Four Reasons Why You Must Do Pre-Marital Coaching

My own daughter asked me today, “So, why do people do pre-marital counseling?” She’s 13. I’m glad she’s asking. You are likely wondering the same thing if you're reading this and so I’d like to make a case for it. Not just for my own benefit – I do offer pre-marital counseling/coaching – but for your sake especially. You see, it does help. A lot. Is Pre-Marital Counseling Worth It? One meta-analytic research review we looked into showed that the mean effect size for premarital programs was 0.80. In plain English, this means that the average person participating in a program was significantly better off afterwards than 70% of the people who did not participate. Okay, that's still not plain English... In simpler terms, most people benefit greatly from Pre-Marital Counseling. Marriage is a big thing. It’s not to be entered into lightly. Verlynda and I hope to build a house in the near future and part of what we will do is sit down and figure out exactly what it is going to take to complete the project. We’re doing that because we want to count the cost before we start and be sure of a positive outcome. Pre-marital counseling is an opportunity to count the cost before you get into marriage and help secure a positive outcome. It is a time to really take stock of what you’re going to be building for the rest of your life. You have the chance to learn about the resources you’ll need to finish what you are starting. You'll gather essential resources and information like communication skills, shared values, shared vision for your future, shared dreams, goals and so on. Verlynda and I actually had very, very little pre-marital counseling. But I am so thankful for what we did have as I did some major learning about how to be the husband I needed to be. It would have been very painful for me (and more so for Verlynda!) to learn that by trial and error! What Should You Be Looking For in a Pre-Marital Coaching/Counseling Program? There are basically three varieties of programs: Self-directed Therapist-directed Assessment based One study we looked into compared these three and noted that the assessment based programs were the most effective both immediately following the program and 6 months later. This is the approach I use. Rather than being purely something I create extemporaneously, I begin with an assessment to determine strength and growth areas for the couple and follow through with skills training leading from what is revealed from the assessment. We then go on to discuss what each couple feels is most relevant to creating a successful marriage. What Are The Benefits of Pre-Marital Counseling? There are plenty of good reasons. But here are four backed by research from a 2001 article in an academic journal called Family Relations. First, pre-marital counseling slows couples down to foster deliberation. You will be compelled to stop and think seriously about your marriage. You will learn to become explicit about your expectations and beliefs. In fact, you may even discover dynamics that are unacknowledged or unnoticed that lead you to not marry at all. On that note, we found another study that showed that 5-15% of pre-marital coaching resulted in a breakup. That might scare you off, but think about it. Would you rather have the pain of breaking up with your fiancée now? Or would it be easier to dissolve a marriage seven years in? We, therapists, believe that both the breakups and stronger marriages resulting from pre-marital counseling are success stories. When you’re forced to deliberately clarify your expectations about marriage, you’re given the opportunity to discuss the most crucial (and possibly problematic) areas of your life together. Second, pre-marital coaching or counseling sends a two-fold message to you as a couple: That your marriage, as an institution, matters How your marriage turns out depends on your attitudes and actions