Normalize therapy.
Caleb & Verlynda Simonyi-Gindele
Formerly: The Marriage Podcast for Smart People
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Goodpods has curated a list of the 10 best Normalize therapy. episodes, ranked by the number of listens and likes each episode have garnered from our listeners. If you are listening to Normalize therapy. for the first time, there's no better place to start than with one of these standout episodes. If you are a fan of the show, vote for your favorite Normalize therapy. episode by adding your comments to the episode page.
Remarriage After Bereavement
Normalize therapy.
08/16/17 • 29 min
Remarriage after bereavement. Maybe I get a little selfish and hope that I’ll never have to face the loss of a spouse. When I’m feeling more noble and altruistic, I hope my spouse will never have to face it. But regardless, nearly 100% of couples face the loss of their significant other during their lifetime. And so if this reality is so common, it’s worth talking about. Losing your spouse is one of the hardest things any person can go through. Amidst the grief and sadness, you have the question of remarriage: when is it ok to remarry? How will my new marriage compare to my old one? Should I even be comparing them? Today we’re going to be looking at this topic and hopefully offering some hope to those of you in this situation. Background Info about Remarriage We’re just talking about remarriage after bereavement today. Not remarriage after divorce- that’s a rather separate issue. But for both of us here at OYF: this is our first marriage. We don’t actually have any close connections in our peer group who have remarried after bereavement. And both sets of our parents are still living. So we’re definitely abstracted from this in terms of experience. But we do have some research to help frame the issue of remarriage. Here are some stats to get us started: Men are more likely to remarry across all age groups. Remarriage rates decline with age for both men and women. Women's likelihood of remarrying declines more sharply with age than it does for men[i]. As they get older they become less likely to remarry. These patterns are true across cultures. Remarriage rates decline with age for both genders. This could be due to a lack of availability of potential partners, or may also reflect a reduced interest in remarrying. Older widows often cite freedom from having to care for their spouse as a reason not to remarry in later life[ii]. Which makes sense — if you see someone caring for a spouse with a long, protracted terminal illness: they are not only learning to become more independent as the illness progresses, but they are also carrying a huge burden of care. And I could definitely see someone coming through that being more reluctant to remarry. When do people tend to remarry? Rates of remarriage drop just after bereavement and then rise. This is different from the remarriage rates for divorce, where people often remarry quickly. Clearly, a time of mourning is needed before remarriage after the death of your spouse, but perhaps this finding is also hinting at a social norm or taboo stating that it is inappropriate to remarry too quickly after being widowed[iii]. 12 months is sometimes considered the acceptable time to wait before re-marriage, and there is actually a large increase in marriages among bereaved men and women in the 13th month after the bereavement[iv]. This suggests that a good percentage of the bereaved consider a year an appropriate time to wait before moving on with a new partner. I think if you’re recently bereaved then that alone should offer some hope: right now you may feel like you’ll never recover, but perhaps it’s comforting to know that for some people the healing process moves along to a point they feel ok remarrying after just a year. Of course, it doesn’t always go that way, and every circumstance is different. Overall rates of remarriage are much lower after bereavement than divorce: 5% of women and 12% of bereaved men remarry, compared to 69% and 78% of divorced women and men, respectively[v]. Interestingly, widowed people often marry other widows, with 45% or bereaved men and 42% of bereaved women doing so[vi]. Perhaps the shared experience of having gone through such a terrible loss makes them uniquely able to comfort and support each other. Issues Affecting Remarriage We’re going to cover some interesting factoids here, talking about the influences that come into play. In a general sense: either post-divorce or post-bereavement,
Ground Rules For A Good Fight
Normalize therapy.
12/10/14 • 16 min
Most of us have the wrong idea about conflict in marriage. We fear the conflict could lead to the disintegration of our marriage. That’s a reasonable fear, in many ways. But we paint with too broad a brush. You see, it’s not the conflict itself that puts the marriage at risk but rather the behaviours within the conflict. If you’re just jumping into this series, this episode and show notes are the third in a series of 4 on fighting in marriage. In the first show, we talked about why fighting is good for your marriage. Then we went over fighting styles in the second episode: some work and some do not! You want to be sure to have a style that isn’t destroying your marriage. In today’s episode, we’re interested in the actual behaviors that we engage in while we fight because those can take a marriage down over time too. Long Term Ground Rules for Fighting We need to have a long view of marriage. Conflict is inevitable and so it is going to come again and again. But did you know that there are behaviors you can engage in that will strangle your affection and love over time? They are: Exploding and getting out of control Just giving in to your spouse on the issue – every time Withdrawing during conflict: shutting down and refusing to talk These three behaviors were identified by Hanzal and Segrin (2009) as being particularly dysfunctional over the long term. They will wear down your spouse, leaving him or her less and less able to deal with them over time. Wives are particularly sensitive to this. You see, husbands react more to in-the-moment behaviors. They get stressed but then they calm down. Wives in conflict develop a stress load that just builds and builds. They carry their marital conflict history with them and then begin to get charged up more quickly facing future discussions. So being explosive, or just caving in every time, or withdrawing are all ways to alienate your spouse. Why? Because there is no actual resolution to the issue that prompted the conflict. The long term ground rules that you and your spouse agree on should include a commitment to keeping one’s self under control during conflict as well as being dedicated to seeing an issue through to resolution. Behave Yourself! There are three categories of behavior that occur during fighting, and I came across an article from the Journal of Marriage & Family (October 2010) that explained them nicely: Destructive: include overtly negative reactions to marital problems such as yelling, insults, criticism, belligerence, and contempt. Constructive: involve overtly positive reactions such as saying nice things, calmly discussing the problem and actively listening. Withdrawal: entail disengaging from the conflict or person and may include things like leaving the situation entirely or just checking out by keeping quiet. On the positive side, constructive behaviors actually lead to spouses feeling better and more satisfied with the marriage. On the other hand, destructive behaviors in both newlyweds and longer married couples predicted divorce up to seven years later. “Predicted” is a keyword there: it means that an increased presence of the destructive behaviors showed a higher probability of divorce. Withdrawal behaviors were no better (research from Gottman and colleagues). Here’s the takeaway: marital conflict, or fighting, is not the problem. Bad behavior while fighting is. The Bottom Line on Fighting There’s probably nobody alive today who has studied marital conflict more than Dr. John Gottman. He summarizes all his extensive research on successful and unsuccessful marriages in one simple sentence: ”Skills based on gentleness work best to produce happy and lasting relationships”. Simple enough? In the words of wise King Solomon, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Whether you take thousands of hours of research or a proverb written over 3,
Impact of Your Porn Use on Your Wife
Normalize therapy.
01/29/20 • 20 min
We're here to talk The purpose of today’s episode is simply to act as an eye-opener. In our online counseling agency, we help a lot of men break their pornography addiction. One common theme is that many of them are surprised by how devastated their wife is by their pornography use. It’s like they really don’t anticipate the impact: most think she’ll be mad, but the hurt often surprises them. So the goal with discussing this topic is to educate husbands so that they can be better prepared to understand and respond to their wife’s distress. Pornography Use is Common Let’s start on the more general end of things. Porn use continues to increase: a 2018 article in the Journal of Sex Research indicated that half of men are exposed to pornography prior to the age of 13, nearly all men use it occasionally for masturbation, and roughly 46% use pornography weekly. In contrast, only 16–31% of women report regularly using pornography.[1] Pornography Use Affects Your View of Sex When people view pornography, they may not really realize it, but they are learning about sex. So the viewing impacts how they think and what they believe about the human sexual experience. Pornography is a very intense medium where you are generally seeing people with unrealistic and uncommon physical attributes, and videography or photoshopping of images to idealize and intensify the sexual experience. The consequence of this is that you will start to feel the romantic and sexual aspects of your marriage are just inadequate. This means that your marriage relationship is going to deteriorate. This is through no fault of the marriage itself or your wife. Pornography is Highly Addictive It seems like something you could figure out, but it isn’t. It’s like when you go into a major fast food chain and you see that juicy burger with a perfect, fluffy bun, and the lettuce and sauce all decked out in a pristine form — you know that the burger you get is going to look nothing like that. But you still buy the burger. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way in marriage — probably because the brain circuitry and addictive components are far more powerful in human sexuality and relationships than they are with how you relate to fast food. The idea that a little porn use doesn’t hurt anybody is unrealistic. Another study that took a nationally representative sample (in the USA) of over 20,000 married people found that "those who reported seeing an X-rated movie in the last year were 12% less likely to have a happy marriage, 25% more likely to be previously divorced, and 10% more likely to have had an extramarital affair." Another interesting stat is that a survey of attorneys found that 56% of divorce cases involved heightened use of internet pornography by one partner.[2] Research shows that pornography use definitely poses a threat to a happy, healthy marriage. Pornography Decreases Intimacy The act of secretly using pornography, hiding it, and feeling guilty about it, may make the other partner feel inadequate and that the user is emotionally withdrawn from his or her partner even if the partner is not aware of the addiction. This can also lead to sexual dysfunction and deteriorated emotional intimacy.[3] Negative Effects of a Husband’s Pornography Use on Wives First of all, a lot of men are likely to expect that their wife will be angry when she discovers he has been using porn. Very angry. But many men have not really thought about how traumatic it will be for her. Upon discovering their husband’s porn use, women often experience symptoms of relational trauma, including fear and/or anxiety, outbursts of anger, intrusive thoughts of the trauma, feelings of self-blame or responsibility, feelings of panic or feeling out of control, sadness or depression, feelings of detachment, feelings of worthlessness or being broken, preoccupation with body image, difficulty falling or staying asleep,
Why You May Be Experiencing Pain During Sex (for Wives)
Normalize therapy.
01/08/20 • 22 min
If you experience pain during sex, you are certainly not alone. Pain during sex is called dyspareunia, and research shows that about 7% of women experience pain it.[1] Of those 7%, about one-quarter of them reported that the pain had been occurring frequently or every time they had intercourse over at least 6 months. Today, we’d like to look at some of the most common causes so that if you’re experiencing dyspareunia you maybe have a starting point to know how to explore and hopefully resolve this challenge. Pain during sexual intercourse is a relatively common issue. Of course, the lifetime prevalence is going to be higher, and I would expect that every person is likely to have at least some discomfort if not some pain during the course of their sexual interactions with their spouse over the lifetime of their marriage. This can be tough to talk about for some people, so we hope that today’s show serves as a bit of an icebreaker and introduction to the subject. We’re not sexologists, sex therapists or medical professionals. I am a marriage counselor so we do address sexual issues, but just be reminded that if you are experiencing pain your wisest course of action is first of all to talk to your doctor or gynaecologist, and possibly to book an appointment with a sex therapist. There are more reasons for pain during sex than what we will cover, for example, we are not going to address urinary tract infections or sexually transmitted infections. But anxiety and menopause are two major causes so we’ll start with them. Sexual Anxiety Sexual anxiety (or sexual performance anxiety) is something that affects men and women of all ages, regardless of how much experience they have had with sexual intercourse. There are a variety of possibilities here. A newly married wife may be too self-conscious to tell her husband what she does not enjoy: this could lead to some trepidation or anxiety about having sex which could result in pain during sex.[2] In some cases, the anxiety may be short-lived and go away on its own. In other cases, it may be something that occurs on a regular basis and interferes with a healthy sex life.[3] According to sex educator Amy Jo Goddard (n.d.), two things are generally the root cause of sexual performance anxiety. She states, "this response is conditioned by the way in which we were brought up to think about certain aspects of sex and our own bodies, and by social expectations that impact our relationship with our own sexuality."[4] This means that messages from your family of origin, your church, or from locker-room discussions or friends at school — all those sources could potentially contribute to anxiety during sex. Other times it may simply be a lack of sex education: perhaps not that you don’t understand how sex works, but that you’re just not prepared for all the realities of sexual encounters with your husband. Everyone functions differently and has different needs when it comes to sex, and not being well educated can lead you to feel unsure about the techniques of giving, achieving or receiving pleasure. Additionally, you may experience fear because of myths concerning pregnancy, or myths about how your body is supposed to react during sex, and these beliefs can be very anxiety-inducing.[5] Of course, anxiety impacts arousal, which impacts your body’s ability to prepare itself for penetration and intercourse. It’s also important to note that the anxiety doesn’t have to be sexual performance anxiety. It could be anxiety about anything: how you’re going to pay the bills, your child’s health, the family get-together that’s coming up, whatever. General anxiety can also impact your sexual experience, potentially resulting in discomfort or pain. What to do About Anxiety Obviously, with such a wide variety of potential sources for anxiety it is challenging to cover all the possible solutions.
Secure Attachment in Marriage
Normalize therapy.
11/06/19 • 20 min
Secure attachment is foundational for strong marriages where both partners feel safe and secure. In the past three episodes, we’ve been looking at different styles of attachment that are born out of difficult childhood experiences. Today, we are considering the fourth style, secure attachment, which is really the goal that those of us with these other styles are striving for. Only about 46% of the population has secure attachment as their primary attachment style. We want to explore this one and really understand what it looks like so that we know what we’re aiming for if we are wanting to experience more of this style of attachment. What Does Secure Attachment Look Like in Marriage? One of the signs of secure attachment in a marriage is that both partners can take comfort in their spouse[1]. Couples with a secure attachment can share feelings of both joy and discomfort. They are also able to ask for help when they need it without fearing a negative response from their spouse. Secure in Conflict One of the times when it is most evident whether or not a couple has a secure attachment style is when they experience conflict. During conflict, securely attached couples are more able to discuss difficulties in a calm way without raising their voices or getting exasperated. Furthermore, they do not let conflict formulate doubts about the future of their relationship. When they do get into conflict, they are more likely to see that as “just a phase” or as a passing, temporary experience rather than allowing it to escalate into a question about their future together. Couples with a secure attachment to each other trust the security of the bond that they have with their spouse. They can trust the integrity of that bond even when they are not getting along well. One researcher looking at secure attachment during conflict also noted that those who have the ability to formulate or initiate affection toward their spouse maintain problem-solving communication while in conflict. By communicating well with one another even in conflict, they are more likely to express their needs to one another and prevent misunderstanding. Secure in Interdependence People with a secure attachment generally feel secure and connected in a wider variety of areas[2]. They allow themselves and their spouse to move more freely and have time alone without concern or questioning. It doesn’t mean they are together less, but the security allows a greater freedom to come and go without the security of their bond being questioned. Generally, they are more in touch with their own feelings and so are able to be more empathic and understanding of their spouse’s emotions as well. They are very capable of offering support and comfort when their spouse is distressed. A healthy, interdependent relationship helps a couple when they are together and when they are apart. Securely attached spouses also tend to be more honest, open and fair in their marriage. They feel comfortable sharing intimate thoughts (including regarding sexuality) and emotions. Their empathy tends to be more out front and leading in their interactions[3]. Another sign of secure attachment is that they enjoy doing activities with their spouse; they also enjoy their own space for doing some things separately. While those with anxious or avoidant attachment are less likely to view others as trustworthy, those with secure attachment feel that they can depend on others and they are more likely to perceive others as trustworthy. Securely attached individuals also have better self-esteem and more positive thoughts of others. A lot of attachment is about how I view myself and how I view others. Avoidants tend to be high on self and low on others; Anxious tend to be low on self and high on others. Secure are more balanced: they are better able to trust others and sort things out when others let them down.
Sticky Notes Are The Best Love Notes
Normalize therapy.
08/12/15 • 8 min
Marriage can seem pretty complicated. There are scores of websites, hundreds of books and thousands of research articles. And yet folks -- perhaps even yourselves – are still struggling. Sticky Notes Are Simple Sometimes it’s nice just to back off from all that complexity. Think simple thoughts. Do simple things that make a difference. In this week’s shorter summer episode (still on holidays – yay!) we take a break from our usual research-based programming to remind you that simple still works. In this case, following the theme of using romantic text messages from our previous post, we want you to think about how you can use sticky notes to spice up your marriage. Sticky Notes = Happiness The thought behind this strategy is to engage in small activities that are easy to do but build fondness and admiration into your marriage. You need lots of that. According to Dr. John Gottman we need 5 positive moments for every negative moment in our marriage Sticky notes are an easy way to do that. You can court your spouse with them. You can add some fun to your marriage with them. And you can use them as little sparks to light the fire in your marriage. Generally, life is fairly stressful. You’re likely facing a lot of challenges. But these little moments of positivity create buffers against stress and its impact on your marriage. Romantic Sticky Notes We want you to be intentional about this. Sticky notes are inexpensive but they can add a lot of value to your marriage! You can use them to surprise your spouse. You can use them to remind your spouse. You can stick them anywhere. Try: A lunch bag In his or her vehicle On the mirror in the washroom In the kitchen sink In a purse or briefcase Under the pillow In the underwear drawer Out in the workshop Wondering what to write on them? Well, you don’t have a lot of space so it has got to be meaningful and pithy. How about: Bible verses Words of affirmation and praise Gratitude and appreciation 30 things you love about her (one per note; number them 1/30, 2/30 etc. and hide them all over) Encouragement “I love you!” Suggestive comments. Just because you got married doesn’t mean you need to stop flirting with your spouse! Coupons (“This sticky note is good for one 15 minute massage” is a good start!) Give it a shot. Let us know how it goes!
Four Critical Habits to Deepen Your Love
Normalize therapy.
01/21/15 • 15 min
Ahhh...the science of love. It’s pretty cool that something as amorphous as love can be studied. And even cooler when you find research that identifies the daily habits that catalyze the deepening of love. Withdrawer or Pursuer? Some of the most helpful research on love falls under what is known as Attachment Theory. It’s a superb framework for understanding the emotional bond of family and marriage relationships. In the context of marriage, the theory provides for the idea that a spouse will default to a withdrawing or pursuing role. Most often, each spouse will compliment each other: one typically pursues and the other typically withdraws. A withdrawer tends to be more turned inwards and less likely to voice wants and needs and also finds it more difficult to self-disclose. A pursuer, on the other hand, is more characterized by blaming. He or she may be more volatile and outspoken in conflict and tends to attack when hurt rather than pull back and shut down. In our marriage, I tend to be the withdrawer and Verlynda the pursuer. That’s actually the most common format: husband withdraws, wife pursues. But is that normal? In this episode, I posed a question to Verlynda: in the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church, which one is usually pursuing and which one is usually withdrawing? Right. Christ is the pursuer. Here’s the connection: in Ephesians 5 we are given a model for marriage where husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loved the church. God calls husbands to be the pursuers. But we’ve been socialized in North American culture to lay the responsibility for relationships at the feet of the wife and mother in our families. In my opinion, as males, we have abdicated one of our critical roles. So, how do we fix that? Four Habits to Deepen Your Love Husbands: I’m calling you to lead in this. Here are four areas in which we can develop healthy habits that deepen our love for one another. Hear me when I say this: these are all doable. This is not out of your reach! Everyday Talking and Sharing This comes from research our team found in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy. You can create daily companionship very easily by having conversations about personal matters. This is a simple tool that creates powerful leverage for building the love bond between you and your spouse. Just share things like your activities for the day, plans for tomorrow or the weekend. Get face to face, make eye contact, put your cell phone down and share. Listening to understand is a key part of this.. Everyday interaction is easy, straightforward and it’s important. Recognize Your Role and Compensate If you’re a withdrawer, push yourself to voice your wants and needs. Self-disclose. I know you want to – I feel the desire and the resistance myself. But the more you share and open up, the deeper the intimacy goes. If you’re the pursuer, your job is to soften your responses and respond more positively to wants, needs, and disclosures from your spouse. Resist defaulting to a blaming stance and do what you need to do to make the connection safer. When both work together on this through the challenges of daily life, stronger attachment (i.e., deeper love) is the result. Healthy Physical Intimacy Think about how you bring yourself to the physical intimacy in your marriage. Are you relaxed and confident? Or are you using sex to gain reassurance or avoid rejection? Do you communicate your needs openly and respond to your spouse’s equally? Or are you demanding and only focused on your own pleasure? People: this is called “making love” for a reason. Closeness should be both the cause and effect of sex. Go for that deep emotional connection that comes when you lose yourself in your spouse. Spiritual Intimacy This is taking your emotional connection into another realm altogether. But a vital one for deepening the love in our marriages (Harris & Ma...
Stop Bottling Up Stuff In Your Marriage
Normalize therapy.
02/01/17 • 24 min
I find it’s pretty easy to avoid conflict. I kind of stockpile the issues until it gets really big and then I feel like I’m ready to talk. But the irony is: that’s actually when I’m least ready to talk. As soon as I open my mouth I know it’s not going to go well. So if avoiding conflict and bottling everything up until I burst isn't the answer, is there a better way of approaching conflict? We have an intriguing topic for you this week. Today we’re going to be looking at one of those things we are all doing wrong in marriage: avoiding conflict. I know that sometimes I find myself cataloging a list of issues I want to bring up with Verlynda. And then I kind of realize this is going to come out as way too much at once. It’s like we villainize the other person and adopt this belief that they won’t hear us unless we have a really exhaustive list of how bad they are. Or like we have to build up a comprehensive “case” against them, rather than just addressing each small thing as it arises, or our points will be rejected as being too “small” or “petty”. Avoiding Conflict Leads to More Conflict I want to start by asking you to consider whether you might have an avoidance orientation in your relationship. An avoidance orientation just means that you attempt to avoid conflict during conversations. A study from 2015 observed that couples who have this style of relationship often experience “communication difficulties and the perpetuation of avoidance [1]” They studied 365 couples and found that if you’re more avoidant, you’ll be more reactive to your spouse’s negative behavior. So avoidant spouses are more likely to explode when they are having difficult discussions because they’ve been bottling up issues and resentments for so long that eventually the dam just bursts and it all pours forth. So basically if you think that avoiding tough topics and just keeping things calm is a good idea, the research shows- and your experience probably resonates with this- that avoiding these issues actually leads to less productive discussions when you actually start talking about what matters. As we said in an earlier podcast episode: talk about it sooner before it's a big deal. Crucially, the study found that this was independent of relationship satisfaction and neuroticism. This is important to note— firstly because it doesn’t matter about how good or how poor your marriage is, avoidance is still not helpful. Secondly, when they say it is independent of neuroticism they are saying this is not about one spouse being a nutcase. This is not one person’s fault. It’s simply a matter of a technique that you’re using in your marriage that just doesn’t work. Of course, I get why we do this. We want to keep the peace. We don’t want to upset our spouse. We don’t want to rock the boat. We say things like, “Happy wife, happy life” and if that means keep silent and don’t complain, that’s what we do. Does that sound like a God-filled marriage? All over the Bible, we are told both to forgive and to exhort each other. In Ephesians, we are told to speak the truth in love. In Colossians, we are told to teach and admonish one another in all wisdom. Gary Thomas talks about this in his book, Sacred Marriage, and he points out that the purpose of marriage is to make us holy, not make us happy. When we avoid topics we need to be talking about, we are thwarting one of the purposes of marriage: personal growth and sanctification. Conflict isn’t fun. But: it leads to forgiveness, where avoidance does not. And, if done in the right way, it leads both you and your spouse closer to God’s ideal view of your marriage. Why Do Couples Avoid Conflict? Before we go to the “how to” of stopping this bottling up of stuff in our marriages, let’s take a look at why we avoid conflict in our marriages. There’s a number of reasons why we do this. Research has shown that: Poor marital satisfaction (not being happy and almost preferring to kee...
3 Ways To Support Your Spouse When You Disagree
Normalize therapy.
04/15/15 • 18 min
I know what you’re thinking. Why on earth would I want to support my spouse when we’re fighting? Well, because you want to stay married, that’s why. That’s the “brutally-loving” truth! But, there’s more. It makes fighting productive. Yes. That’s right. I mean it. It actually makes the conflict helpful for your marriage. Now, I could go down a rabbit trail about why fighting is good for your marriage but I want you to think about your beliefs about fighting and disagreeing instead. We generally assume that as conflict increases in a marriage, the couple’s satisfaction with their marriage decreases. That’s a good assumption. It is usually correct. But focusing on stopping the conflict as a way to improve satisfaction just leads to avoidance. That’s not going to work. Research in a study presented by Cramer (2003) pointed out that if you focus on unconditional acceptance, understanding, and openness, as those increase, marriage satisfaction increases regardless of the quantity of conflict. Pretty cool, hey? This underlines the importance of focusing on the positive, of affirming what you want more of, and overall, the importance of building a healthy, thriving marriage. When that is in place, it’s not about how much you fight anymore. I want you to worry more about the quality of your marriage (infusing the good) rather than the number of your disagreements. In terms of positive things, you can bring to your next disagreement, let’s look at three that are critical. These skills will improve the quality of your marriage. Listen We talk a lot about listening because it is important! Non-defensive listening is vital here. This is a skill that helps “partners to focus their attention on what the other person is saying and to attempt to really understand it. This skill reduces interruptions and the preoccupation with defending oneself and formulating retorts” (Gottman, 1994). That’s a critical definition, and a useful one. You might want to even write that down. Of course, to listen non-defensively is a challenge when we’re already ticked off at our spouse. But you’re doing this for your marriage, not just yourself, right? To listen in this manner is going to require self-restraint. As in, restraining your impulse to dispute your spouse’s perceptions. Don’t worry, the research confirms this is going to be a challenge: “Non-defensive listening requires significant self-control, particularly when there is an important disagreement and passions run high” Fowers, (2001). Think of this as a skill. Like learning to ride a bike, you won’t get it right the first time. There’ll be bumps and scrapes but eventually, you will make this a habit. And when you do, you’ll have discovered that you can keep your partner speaking while you exercise self-restraint. This is a huge act of generosity! It is giving to your spouse the gift of attention and interest and it’s sending your spouse the signal that you believe he or she has something worthwhile to say. So we can be generous or miserly with each other. But generosity, remember, is a top-five predictor of a successful marriage and so I’m challenging you to be generous by choosing to listen well. Validate Of course, if you are doing a good job of listening you’ll be well-positioned to validate your spouse. Validation can be as simple as what we therapists call “listener backchannels”. As in, those simple verbal cues that tell the other person you’re following them. Things like, “mmhmm” and “yeah...” and nodding, eye contact and all that good stuff. When you do this it doesn’t need to mean that you agree. But it is just saying to your spouse that you’re listening, you’re interested, and you may have your own point of view but you want to hear him or her out. That’s the key point. I’m not asking you to agree with your spouse. I am asking you to communicate that you understand her/his feelings and you acknowledge those fe...
How Retirement Affects Marriage
Normalize therapy.
12/11/19 • 22 min
Transitioning from full-time employment into retirement is naturally going to impact both your life and your marriage. Retirement comes with lots of changes, and there are ups and downs to the process. Whether you have parents going through this, you’re coming up to retirement, or you have recently retired, there’s lots to learn about how to handle the changes that come with moving into retirement since it’s a brand-new stage of life. Research shows that there are both positives and negatives that can come as a result of retirement. Certainly, in North American culture retirement is idealized and celebrated as something to look forward to at the end of your career, but many couples also experience some disappointment when it turns out to be not as great as they had hoped. Marital Satisfaction for Couples at Different Life Stages One study looked at positive interactions between couples of different ages. The study showed that younger couples had the most positive interactions: good healthy, positive day to day moments. Middle age couples (40’s) had the least. And older couples (about 65 and over...the retirement group) had an intermediate amount of positive interactions. But the study also found that negative attitudes decreased with age. It’s normal for couples to go through tough stages of becoming parents, establishing their careers, getting mortgages paid off: this requires adjustments across the lifespan. It is reasonable to expect that going into retirement is going to require some adjustments as well.[1] According to studies from around the turn of the century and current research, the divorce rate rises within the older population compared to the divorce rate of the younger generation. This raises an important question: if retirement is pitched as such a wonderful thing, why are people struggling in their most important relationships? Retirement is a Life Transition Transitioning into retirement comes with a lot of adjustments. Going from working to not working is just one of the changes that come with retirement. Many couples find themselves facing changes in where they live, changes in their routines with their spouse, and even changes in their identity. A retiring therapist might ask himself questions such as “Am I still a therapist if I am not doing therapy? What am I now? What is my purpose? What is our purpose?”[2] When retiring from any profession, one or both spouses may find themselves facing a shift in their sense of identity as they move into a new stage of life. There are many other questions that come up for couples in retirement: How will you and your spouse decide what to do with your time? What is your retirement plan in terms of your savings: can you live without employment income for 10, 20, or 30 or more years? In addition to these questions, the couple have to adjust to changes on the relational side of things. Couples find that they’re spending a lot more time together, more than they have for many, many years. Most retired couples are not raising children, caring for parents, or heading off to work for the bulk of the day. Suddenly, whatever your marriage is like, it is all right there in front of you and it has to be faced.[3] If your marriage has been strong and healthy — you’ll see the effects of that. And that’s great! For those couples, marital satisfaction will increase because they have even more time to spend together. But if your marriage really hasn’t been great for 20 years but you’ve made it through by focusing on raising and launching your kids, or concentrating on your career or business, and now you’re past those things and you’re just left with a “not great” marriage: that’s a challenging place to be in. Those escape mechanisms of work or other things are gone and not available any longer, and there’s a lot to figure out.[4] Retirement Factors that Affect Marriage
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FAQ
How many episodes does Normalize therapy. have?
Normalize therapy. currently has 292 episodes available.
What topics does Normalize therapy. cover?
The podcast is about Health & Fitness, Society & Culture, Mental Health, Podcasts and Relationships.
What is the most popular episode on Normalize therapy.?
The episode title 'How Do I Know When/If I Can Trust My Spouse After Betrayal?' is the most popular.
What is the average episode length on Normalize therapy.?
The average episode length on Normalize therapy. is 23 minutes.
How often are episodes of Normalize therapy. released?
Episodes of Normalize therapy. are typically released every 7 days.
When was the first episode of Normalize therapy.?
The first episode of Normalize therapy. was released on May 16, 2014.
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