No One Dies from Divorce

Summary:

In this divorce tip episode, I explain the difference between legal and physical custody, including the relationship of custody to child support. I also define parenting plans and the dispute resolution clause, and I outline the differences between major and minor decision making for co-parenting.

Show notes:

What is the difference between legal custody and physical custody? It depends on the state if this applies to you since this isn’t a distinction in some states. But for the states this does apply in, I want to explain the difference between the two.

Legal custody is the decision making regarding your children. In Utah, the presumption for legal custody in most divorces is joint legal custody. This assumes that you and your spouse are going to work together regarding the major decisions of your children. Major decisions are defined as decisions involved with religion, education, extracurricular, and medical. Anything not in those categories is considered a minor decision, and the parent with the physical custody of the kids that day can make that decision. In joint legal custody, the court requires you to create a parenting plan , which is a legal roadmap for how you and your spouse are going to co-parent your children after the divorce. It includes a dispute resolution clause so that when you and your spouse are unable to come to these major decisions regarding your children together, there is a set up process for what to do. It will outline 3–4 steps for what to do in those instances, such as talking with experts or going through mediation. Most major decisions are able to be made between co-parents without resorting to the dispute resolution steps, as long as the parents remember that they both share the same goal of wanting the best for their kids.

Physical custody is defined by how many overnights a parent has per year. To have joint physical custody, you only have to have 111 overnights (out of 365) per year to be considered a joint physical custodian of your kids. It could be 50-50 or 70-30 split or anything in between, according to the percentage each parent has within joint physical custody. So the terms like sole or joint physical custody don’t matter as much as how many overnights you actually have with your kids.

In Utah, the number of overnights you have directly correlates to the amount of child support you’ll pay or receive. In Texas, child support amount doesn’t correlate with the parent time, it’s only about income, so you’ll need to check in your state.

Premarital agreements are becoming more and more common. But does everyone need a prenup? And how do you make sure your prenup will be upheld? Do you need to hire an attorney to get a good prenup? And how long before the wedding should you be negotiating a prenup? Find out these answers and more on today’s episode, with Colorado attorney and marital agreement expert, Ryan Kalamaya.
Life is full of peaks and valleys. Ryan Kalamaya and his team meet people when they are suffering in an emotional valley and facing the prospect of climbing their own personal mountain. They sort through their baggage, help them plan their journey and guide them to the summit. Ryan is the managing partner of Kalamaya Goscha, an innovative and ambitious law firm that pushes the boundaries to discover new frontiers in family law, personal injuries, and criminal defense in Colorado. He is the co-host Divorce at Altitude: A Podcast on Colorado Family Law. Ryan specializes in divorces involving complex property valuations, including closely-held businesses, family partnerships, & trust interests, attacking or defending marital agreements, and parental relocation or high-conflict custody disputes. He was named to the Rising Stars list by Super Lawyers for 5 years before being selected to Super Lawyers for 2022. He has a 10/10 rating by Avvo where there are over 80 client reviews and testimonials.

Millennials seem to be more open to premarital agreements, possibly because they saw their parents go through a divorce; they also seem to be more pragmatic. A lot of people today are getting married a lot later in life and often then have more assets going into marriage. A lot of celebrities end up attacking or having to defend their pre-nup agreements (like Dr. Dre, Kelly Clarkson, etc.).

A premarital agreement or prenup spells out what happens if there is a divorce or death. There is also a marital or post-nup, which is created after a marriage has already started. The purpose is to lay out who gets what and to have predictability. A premarital agreement means nothing unless the spelled out scenario actually happens.

Does everyone need a prenup? Probably not. But certainly it’s never a bad idea.

What do you need to do to ensure your prenup agreement will hold up? In Utah and Colorado, there’s a uniform act. Prenups and marital agreements are a special kind of contract. They’ve been around for centuries. Their purpose was to spell out what happened in 2nd and 3rd marriages. Now we use them for divorce for 1st marriages. They have to include financial disclosures. It’s a simple net worth statement. Hiding assets will never go over well in a prenup. And they have to be voluntary. Does an attorney have to be involved to draft and file these? At least meet with an attorney to ask questions and explain any of the legal meanings if you’re going to buy a boiler-plate prenup document to sign.

Don’t wait until the last minute to negotiate premarital agreements. It’s important to have each party have an attorney. This is the best way to get an enforceable agreement. You need to be prepared to not sign a premarital agreement and walk away from the wedding if what you are being asked to sign is completely one sided. Even if you don’t feel you are bringing as much to the marriage as far as assets or potential earnings. Have the hard conversations now. And find a local and experienced attorney: family law attorney or estate planning. Ask if they’ve had any experience litigating the challenge or defense of pre-nups.

Ways to attack a premarital agreement’s validity:

1. Unconscionability - may be present if the agreement is patently unfair to one party.
2. failure to disclose, or
3. duress and coercion.

Summary:

One of the biggest fears parents have going into a divorce is how it will negatively affect their children. Today I’m talking to Matt Ames, whose parents got divorced when he was in high school. Listen in as we lay out some tips to help kids and their parents get through the process positively.

Some tips to make the transition easier for your kids during divorce:

1. Keep your kids out of the fight; leave them out of the divorce drama. It’s ok to be angry, but try to move through that phase quickly so you don’t irreparably damage your children by using unfair tactics like using the children to hurt your spouse. That just hurts your children.
2. Try to keep up daily normal routines for your kids so they can keep their activities and friends. If you want to be an equal parent, show up as an equal parent. Don’t move an hour away and expect your kids to have to travel an hour to get to school. That takes a big toll on kids.
3. Be present for your kids. You can allow your older kids to be there for you emotionally too, but be careful and don’t expect too much from them. Make sure they always know you love them.
4. Never trash talk your spouse in front of your kids. Not publicly, not on social media, not in any place your kids could ever see.
5. Be prepared and willing to answer your kids’ questions honestly. (e.g.: Where will I live?) Don’t put false expectations or promise anything you aren’t in control of or aren’t sure about.
6. Prioritize your mental and physical health. Go to therapy, go to the gym, establish self-care.
7. Remember that your spouse can be a really bad spouse, but that doesn’t mean they are a bad parent. Keep those separate and honor the relationship your kids have with your ex. What do each parent have in common? They both want what’s best for their kids. Use this as the base of your co-parenting relationship.

Tips for teens whose parents are going through divorce:

Be there for your other siblings, especially younger siblings.

1. Remember that everything is going to be ok.

It’s our 10th episode, and my guest is Dr. Ryan Coil, who happens to be my husband! I talk about our almost-divorce in my book No One Dies from Divorce , and now Ryan is here to give his side of the story! Join us as we tell stories about our marriage, our almost divorce, and the stories we tell ourselves about our spouse.
Ryan is a medical doctor and a hospitalist in SLC. When we met, Ryan was in the financial world and making a lot of money, working a big hedge fund, travelling, and studying to take the CFA, going to cool events, etc. A year into our marriage, Ryan decided he wanted to do something else with his life because he didn’t relate to the way people manipulated and took advantage of people. 11 years later! He finished. Now he’s the heartthrob of the little old ladies at the hospital.

In 2012, Ryan was in his first year of medical school, I was working crazy hours at a big law firm, and we had just had our 2nd child. We weren’t giving time and attention to the relationship and weren’t doing any personal self-care. Ryan remembers feeling lonely and isolated and disconnected. Lost sight of the positives of a relationship. Jill thought if she ignored it, the problems would go away. This was about 2 years before Ryan finally said he was done. He moved out the next day. They were separated for a couple of months. Ryan lived in an unfinished apartment at his mom’s. Was still in med school, stayed out late, binged a lot of TV and was very lonely. Had some good conversations with his mom about how the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s usually necessary to look within to fix your relationship.

We both decided we were going to put the work into ourselves. Needed to develop our personal lives and have our own friends and have me time. We took self-improvement courses and did therapy. We each do our own laundry and we each are allowed to keep our side of the bedroom as clean or messy as we want.

When we were in couples’ therapy, we were assigned to read “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown. I’m a pro at making up stories in my head about what others are thinking. This makes it feel like there are actually 3 people in our marital arguments: Jill as Jill, Ryan as Ryan, and Jill as what she THINKS Ryan is arguing about. This makes effective arguing and communication difficult.

Ryan was the one who encouraged me to open my own law firm. He was there for every moment of those early scary times. I was pregnant with our third child, and Ryan was finishing medical school and trying to find his residency. He got his residency at University of Utah and Jill built CoilLaw in Sandy.

Listen to the full episode as Ryan answers the questions submitted by our Instagram followers!