Adeel George: Nice Guys Finish in the Middle Management

02/07/22 • 45 min

Past divorce client, entrepreneur, organizer of the Integrated Men community, and my friend, Adeel George, joins me to discuss why “nice guys' often get stuck in middle management of life. Find out how to stop playing it safe, not play the victim in divorce, build a supportive community, and achieve your potential.

Adeel is a user experience professional, but through his personal experiences of divorce and subsequent journey of self-discovery, he has accepted his calling to help other men find community among men. Many men have trouble in relationships, whether it's building healthy relationships or finding the right partner. In this day and age, more boys are being raised by single mothers with absentee fathers; as a result, there are fewer strong male role models. These boys grow up into men confused, isolated, and disconnected. Another unintended consequence is the delayed maturity amongst modern men who struggle with their inner turmoil.

Alongside his passion for building communities, Adeel is a father, an entrepreneur, and any spare time he has he spends it pursuing his love for travel and photography. Learn more about Adeel's work at https://integratedmen.net.

Nice guys play it safe in all aspects of their life, but that prevents them from achieving their potential. A lot of “nice guys'' have absentee fathers or didn’t feel like they could be heard by their parents. Fathers rights in Utah don’t have a presumption of custody. Utah looks at who is the primary caretaker of the child to determine custody. It really discounts the breadwinner role that most fathers play and is pretty gender biased.

We’re talking about fathers who want to be a caretaker and the dad has historically been the provider but didn’t play as big of a role in the “caretaker” tasks, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t play an important emotional role or from wanting to step more into the caretaker role post divorce.

His first attorney told him he couldn’t hope for more than 35% custody of his kids as a father. He didn’t know enough back then to look for a different attorney. His divorce was finalized in 2013, and for the first few years, he was able to have almost 50% custody unofficially. But then his ex wanted to revert him to less time, so Adeel spent the next 3 years and paid a lot of money to legally get 50% custody.

Adeel carried the torch for the No More Mr. Nice Guys group. It’s a place to meet new people and find guy friends. People feel safe to talk about their struggles, from divorce to pornography. Especially if they aren’t willing to go to therapy. Adeel then encourages people to find a good therapist that you vibe with. The only way to get rid of shame is by sharing it with others, so you can’t just do self-therapy.

Friendship is so important when you’re going through a divorce. Loneliness is real, and jumping right back into a romantic relationship isn’t the best type of companionship when you’re in this state.

It’s ok to be angry at women/your spouse for a bit, but you need to be able to get past it. You don’t want to make emotional decisions or reactions out of anger when you’re in the legal system. It never benefits you, and it definitely never benefits your kids.

Tips if you’re going through divorce/lessons learned:

Begin with self-care. Prioritize and invest in yourself.
Take a look at your dreams and honor them. Find and pursue your passion, whether that’s via your career or hobby. Find things that add value to your life.
Make guy friends: people you can trust and be authentic around

Tips if you’re going through divorce/lessons learned:

Begin with self-care. Prioritize and invest in yourself.
Take a look at your dreams and honor them. Find and pursue your passion, whether that’s via your career or hobby. Find things that add value to your life.
Make guy friends: people you can trust and be authentic around

Previous Episode

Divorce Tips: Mediation: It’s Not Worth Fighting over the Toaster

Most everyone who gets divorce does some kind of mediation. Because there’s so many types of mediators, I’m giving you my tips on what to look for in a mediator. Listen in for how you can prepare before going into mediation—and how to have the most successful outcome.

Show notes:

Most divorces that are litigated go through mediation at some point. There’s lots of types of collaborative mediation and law. There are mediators out there where you go meet with the mediator with your ex, no attorneys needed, and your mediator drafts the stipulation documents. Most of the time, those mediators are not attorneys. They are great at communicating and compromising, but you should not take legal advice for them, and they really shouldn’t be drafting your divorce documents. If you go this route, I recommend taking the documents and paying an attorney (don’t need to retain them) to look over them and just meet with them for an hour or two. In Utah, if you file for divorce, you have to mediate before you go to trial. We resolve about 90% of our cases before they go to trial. But sometimes that takes multiple mediation sessions. In those cases, both parties are there with their attorneys, along with the mediator. Your attorneys are really your advocates. The mediator is trying to get you to settle and compromise. I really recommend having both people in the room for their own expertise. I don’t push my clients into mediation until they’re ready. If you are still too emotional and trying to rush into mediation, you often don’t get results the first time. Usually in mediation, you don’t even have to sit in the same room with your ex. You’re in 2 rooms and the mediator goes back and forth. Make sure before you go into mediation, you know what you want, what you’re willing to settle for, and what your bottom line is. Rank your top 5 things that you’re hoping for so you know how to prioritize at least your top 1 or 2 things. You have to be able to let the small things go. Don’t fight over Christmas tree ornaments or the teapot. Most everything is replaceable. No one wins in divorce. But if you go into mediation knowing those 3 things, you’ll likely be able to reach a livable settlement.

Next Episode

Divorce Tips: Being Your Own Valentine After Divorce

Spending Valentine’s Day alone might not be your number one choice. However, spending the day alone is a lot better than staying in a bad marriage. Though your first year as a divorced person may be difficult, spending the holiday alone doesn’t have to be an emotionally devastating event. You can be your own Valentine this year, and you can make it a day all about self-care and relaxation.
Do not feel guilty about self-care when being your own valentine! Here are some tips:

Do something for your mental health: Wherever you are in the divorce process, seeking help from a mental health professional should be a priority. Therapy does wonders to help you cope and move forward.
Do something for your physical health: Plan ahead! Get a massage, take a walk, join a gym class.
Do something for your emotional health: Whatever it is that you do to spoil yourself, make sure it’s something totally just for you. Remember, there are no rules about who can be your Valentine. So, if you’re your own Valentine this year, the ball is 100% in your court and you are fully responsible for making this day awesome and all about you.
Spend time with your loved ones!