Dr. Ryan Coil: What It's Really Like Being Married to a Divorce Attorney

08/16/21 • 72 min

It’s our 10th episode, and my guest is Dr. Ryan Coil, who happens to be my husband! I talk about our almost-divorce in my book No One Dies from Divorce , and now Ryan is here to give his side of the story! Join us as we tell stories about our marriage, our almost divorce, and the stories we tell ourselves about our spouse.
Ryan is a medical doctor and a hospitalist in SLC. When we met, Ryan was in the financial world and making a lot of money, working a big hedge fund, travelling, and studying to take the CFA, going to cool events, etc. A year into our marriage, Ryan decided he wanted to do something else with his life because he didn’t relate to the way people manipulated and took advantage of people. 11 years later! He finished. Now he’s the heartthrob of the little old ladies at the hospital.

In 2012, Ryan was in his first year of medical school, I was working crazy hours at a big law firm, and we had just had our 2nd child. We weren’t giving time and attention to the relationship and weren’t doing any personal self-care. Ryan remembers feeling lonely and isolated and disconnected. Lost sight of the positives of a relationship. Jill thought if she ignored it, the problems would go away. This was about 2 years before Ryan finally said he was done. He moved out the next day. They were separated for a couple of months. Ryan lived in an unfinished apartment at his mom’s. Was still in med school, stayed out late, binged a lot of TV and was very lonely. Had some good conversations with his mom about how the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s usually necessary to look within to fix your relationship.

We both decided we were going to put the work into ourselves. Needed to develop our personal lives and have our own friends and have me time. We took self-improvement courses and did therapy. We each do our own laundry and we each are allowed to keep our side of the bedroom as clean or messy as we want.

When we were in couples’ therapy, we were assigned to read “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown. I’m a pro at making up stories in my head about what others are thinking. This makes it feel like there are actually 3 people in our marital arguments: Jill as Jill, Ryan as Ryan, and Jill as what she THINKS Ryan is arguing about. This makes effective arguing and communication difficult.

Ryan was the one who encouraged me to open my own law firm. He was there for every moment of those early scary times. I was pregnant with our third child, and Ryan was finishing medical school and trying to find his residency. He got his residency at University of Utah and Jill built CoilLaw in Sandy.

Listen to the full episode as Ryan answers the questions submitted by our Instagram followers!

Listen to the full episode as Ryan answers the questions submitted by our Instagram followers!

Previous Episode

Jess Couser: How We Can Be Better Advocates for the LGBTQ+ Community

Today we’re talking about how the legal field affects the LGBTQIA+ community, and what we can do to better advocate for this community going forward, professionally and personally. My guest is Jess Couser, a fellow Utah family law attorney. She identifies as bisexual and works hard to represent other members in the LGBTQ community.

Show Notes:

Jessica (Jess) Couser practices law in areas of custody, divorce, parentage, enforcement, child support, adoption, protective orders, guardianship, LGBTQ law, and more. She and her cofounder, Laura Hansen, founded Just Law in 2010 (Millcreek and downtown SLC, Utah, offices), with the goal of providing clients excellent, ethical, and family-focused legal representation. Jess believes that family law matters require legal skill and strategy, but that they also require compassion, creativity, and fortitude. Family law attorneys should have specific knowledge of child development, trauma, communication and coping mechanisms, and they should be prepared to advocate for and educate every client on the legal and practical matters they may be facing.

Jess believes the biggest challenge the LGBTQ+ community probably faces today is the mainstream political platforms and figures that are still comfortable advocating to reverse the Obergefell V Hodges supreme court case (legality of same-sex marriage), which would affect families in the queer community.

Also issues of transgender laws for individuals and their parents and children, and issues of family planning for same-sex couples.

“Verification of appropriate treatment by a medical provider” is the verbiage the Utah Supreme Court gave for what is needed before granting the gender marker change on birth certificates. This just means the individual has consulted with a medical provider and that provider agrees the transition treatment is appropriate.

Both surrogacy and adoption required being single or in a heterosexual marriage in Utah before 2015.

How can we all be better allies?

Ask questions. People are usually willing to have honest communication when you are open.
Language is important and impacts who you’re communicating with, but not so important you shouldn’t feel like you can’t ask if you don’t know.
Don’t let your own insecurities keep you from being kind to others.

Next Episode

Dr. Abby Medcalf: How to Be Happily Married, Even if Your Spouse Won’t Do a Thing

Dr. Abby Medcalf, psychologist, author, podcaster, and speaker, teaches us how to build relationship resilience. By depositing daily microconnections with our spouse in the bank, we will never overdraft when we need to make withdrawals. Because, after all, relationships aren’t built in a day; they are built daily.

Show Notes:

Dr. Abby Medcalf is a New Yorker, relationship maven, psychologist, author, podcast host (“Relationships Made Easy”), and TedX speaker who helps people think differently so they can create connection, ease, and joy in their relationships, especially the one with yourself. Unique background in business and consulting, she brings a fresh, effective, perspective to life’s struggles using humor and her direct, no-nonsense style. With over 30 years of experience, Abby is a recognized authority and sought after speaker at organizations such as Google, Apple, AT&T, Kaiser, PG&E, American Airlines, and Chevron. She has been a featured expert on CBS and ABC News, and a contributor on Huffpost, Women’s Health, and Bustle.

Most couples are good at making the big decisions together (where to send kids to school, job changes, etc.). It’s the daily microconnections that is where the meat of the sandwich is. You need someone on a daily basis who is vulnerable, connected, there WITH YOU. Like getting physically fit, you have to do more than the 1x/week personal training session. Date nights are not enough. Couples therapy is not enough.

Can’t let the cracks in your relationship become the grand canyon. Break it down. When your spouse gets home, stop what you’re doing and greet them and be excited to see them. Kisses that last longer than 6 seconds. Pay attention in small moments. Microconnections are money in the bank. So the times you need to make a withdrawal, you have the money there. Have to build relationship resilience so you don’t overdraw.

When you’re waiting, being conditional, or only putting in half the effort, you have unrealistic expectations for your partner or what you deserve. You don’t want to get taken advantage of. That’s your fear talking. Don’t put in 150% (that’s codependency). Just need to put in your full love. Full love takes nothing from you. Look at the relationship with a lens of love and respect. Even if you don’t feel your spouse is contributing anything, you have to think that they are doing the best they can with the tools they have. Don’t need to worry about being taken advantage of; this is the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with. If this relationship isn’t meant to be, you’ll know over time.

Divorce isn’t a failed marriage. Love and honor your ex as part of your individual journey and life. You got amazing kids and life experiences through that “failed marriage,” so that’s not a failure.

The number one reason relationships fail is competition, not lack of communication. Competition causes the poor communication. You have to be on the same team. Can’t have the mentality that if your spouse gets more, you get less, because then you don’t want your spouse to win. Any relationship is a shared resource. If your partner is winning, that’s more for your battery in your relationship. If your partner is drained, that’s draining the battery of your relationship. The team wants to win. You add external resources like hiring a house cleaner; it doesn’t have to be “who’s the more burned out of the two of us.” You can also subtract things off both your plates. E.g.: Do we really need Sophie to learn a language and take an instrument and be in 2 sports? She needs 2 parents who are happy and calm and loving more. Slow down and stop rushing your kids.