Episode 270: Honoring Your Grief

11/14/24 • 55 min

Since this week's livestream fell on Veteran's Day here in the US, it made Gwen and I think about ideas of sacrifice and honor. We set aside this day to honor veterans and the sacrifices that they made while fighting to defend this country. Military awards are often given as an honor for military heroism or outstanding service. Over a military career, a serviceperson might earn many such awards which can be displayed on military uniforms.

Grieving people go through many sacrifices themselves after losing loved ones. We lose not only our child but often our sense of purpose and security. We lose our hopes and dreams for the future. We may feel that life is hardly worth living. We certainly don't feel we deserve to be honored with a medal.

I honestly feel like some days I am just barely hanging on, but I was challenged by two different people this week. The first was my dear, sweet aunt Penny who has been like a mother to me since the death of my mom in college. After listening to last week's podcast with David Kessler, my aunt wrote, 'Marcy, what you have done on your grief journey fills my heart with love. I know you won't like me saying this, but you are my hero.' She was right, I didn't like hearing those words at all. I am not a hero. I can think of dozens of people who are heroes, but that certainly does not describe me.

Then Gwen challenged me again in this episode. She asked grieving parents to submit names for awards they could earn in their own grief journeys. All of the answers were amazing, but some of my personal favorites were the Changed Heart Award, the Best Fake Smile Award, and the Got Out of Bed Award. She then asked me what my award would be. I was quick to think that I really didn't deserve an award, but then I thought of Aunt Penny and being her hero.

If I am her hero, then maybe I do deserve an award. And if I can be a hero, then we can all be heroes. We may not have a special day or be able to wear a uniform covered with medals, but we can honor ourselves and each other because what we are doing is heroic, even if some days, we only earn the Got Out of Bed award.

Previous Episode

Episode 269: David Kessler - David's Dad

When David Kessler's publicist asked if he could come on the podcast to promote his newest workbook, Finding Meaning: Grief Workbook: Tools for Releasing Pain and Remembering with Love, I felt honored. David Kessler is one of the world's foremost experts on grief and loss. He has written six best-selling books over the years, including two that he co-authored with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. He founded the website grief.com, which boasts over 5 million yearly visits.

Despite these accolades, I admire David most for his approach to life after becoming a bereaved dad. When David's younger son, David, died suddenly in 2016, he found that he could not prepare for such pain. David says that he wanted to call every grieving parent whom he had counseled to say he hadn't understood the depth of their pain. David told grieving parents to start therapy and go to support groups, but he did not know just how difficult that was for a newly bereaved parent. David says that it took him three times to get the courage to attend his first grief support group. He sat in the group staring at a table with his books on it, no longer the grief expert, but instead a bereaved dad.

After the death of his son, David learned so much that he hadn't truly understood before. He learned that the pain of grief was incredibly deep, but if you took time to excavate through the pain, meanings could be revealed. With the blessing of the Kubler-Ross family in 2019, David wrote a new book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Since the book was published, he realized that a personal workbook might be an even better way for people to find meaning in their lives. David says the workbook is a way to 'get the pain out of you and into the workbook.' It is a truly healing experience to complete the workbook.

I want to close today with what David said to me at the end of our interview. 'See the meaning you are making in the lives you are touching.' Every time you talk to another person, you are making meaning, whether you go on a podcast to share your story with thousands or sit at a kitchen table and share with one person.

Next Episode

Episode 271: AJ's Mom & Dad

Choose Joy.

This is the motto that today's guests, Jen and David, decided that their family would follow after a prenatal ultrasound showed that their fourth son AJ would be born with not one, but two newborn abnormalities. He had achondroplasia as well as a rare congenital heart defect. They knew that AJ was facing a complex medical future, but they decided that they would face all these struggles with joy-filled hearts.

Throughout AJ's 44 days of life, Jen and David chose joy each day. David described AJ as a 'little man with a big purpose.' His life was a roller-coaster of ups and downs, but ultimately AJ's lungs were unable to heal and he lost his life. After AJ's death, you might think Jen and David would have given up their 'Choose Joy' motto, but this has not been the case. Jen knew that she needed to do something to help her broken family grieve and she needed guidance. Jen immediately signed up for several retreats at Luella's Lodge, some for her, some for her and David, and some for their whole family. The peace and comfort that Luella's Lodge offered was truly indescribable. Jen found herself being drawn back again and again.

This is the point in the story when Jen's path first crossed my own. Carrie, from Luella's Lodge, and I decided to do a special retreat this past fall for Always Andy's Mom podcast listeners. Although Jen had never heard of me or the podcast, she was the host mom for that retreat. Over the past five years of doing the podcast, I have felt God's presence many times, but I never felt it stronger than during that weekend.

God knew I needed a video editing team to help with the podcast's social media presence. God also knew that Jen and David needed to expand their production company by working with organizations they felt passionate about. As our relationship began that weekend, we both felt that by choosing to work with each other, we were choosing joy. Together, we can help make podcast episodes and meaningful videos for grieving families everywhere. I envision AJ and Andy both grinning down at us from heaven, proud to see their parents choose joy.

*If you want to join me next fall at Luella's Lodge, go to luellaslodge.org and sign up for the September 25-28th retreat.