In the Moment with Mamoon

I recently came across an interesting definition of the word ‘love’, in the context of a loving relationship:

“The capacity to feel the full spectrum of human emotion in service of being present in this current moment (the only place you can actually be with another).”

I don’t know how technically accurate of a definition that is, but it’s an excellent description of what it means to be loving to another human being - especially during a conflict.

This morning my wife was inexplicably mad at me. I say ‘inexplicably’, but she could certainly explain it. Turns out the night before I was tired, grumpy and acting like a grouch. I had an attitude and just about managed to get myself to bed as early as possible.

This morning I woke up early, as chipper as one of the birds outside that wakes us up for the pre-dawn prayer. I got the boys to school and came home, curious about what was on Rachida’s mind. I had completely forgotten how grumpy I was acting the night before... but Rachida certainly hadn’t!

This brings up the quintessential challenge of relationships in general, and marriage in particular. How can you bring presence, a quiet mind and a loving heart to an interaction, especially when there are intense negative emotions like hurt, anger and a sense of righteous indignation?

This is as important when it comes to living with your partner, as when it comes to living in a country and a world split by political divisions. How can you be with the ‘other’ in a way that shines the light of the divine onto the situation?

Here’s what works best for me:

• The moment feelings of hurt, upset, sadness or anger come up in me, I move away from the temptation to ‘blame’ them on the other person, their stance, or their opinion
• Instead, notice the feelings and thoughts arise within yourself and observe them
• The moment you do this, you might notice that the edge is taken out of them; they’re not as hard to handle any more. They may even dissipate or completely disappear as you pay attention to them.
• The more conscious awareness you can bring to your feelings and thoughts, the better you can re-focus on what is actually being said and the more deeply you can listen
• More often than not, you’ll soon find that they are also dealing with some hurt, upset and frustration, which they might be perceiving is a result of your behaviour. Instead of getting caught up in that assumption, increase the intensity of your own presence
• Notice how, just as your harmful thoughts and feelings dissipated through the light of your conscious awareness, your partner’s hurt feelings dissipate as you give them space to express themselves, while deeply listening.
• Your presence is now shining its light so brightly that your partner is now feeling fully seen and heard, because they truly are.

This ‘marriage’ stuff is a work in progress and I don’t have any expectations of ever doing it ‘perfectly’, if there is such a thing. I am, however, very aware that the more presence I can bring to the ‘conflict’, the more I’m pouring water over the fire instead of oil.

To me, that’s what love is.

What I’m about to share with you is not the be-all and end-all of marriage challenges and conflicts... but it does work fast and remarkably well.

If you want to have a long-term, successful marriage where you and your partner both get what you want, then use this “quick-fix” as you learn some of the more important, long-term insights and skills I share with you in my in-depth coaching programs. (And if you’re already a relationship coach, you’ll definitely want to add this one to your toolbox and share it with clients.)

Imagine your partner is mad at you about something. (I know, very difficult to imagine, right?) Or, imagine that you’re in a conflict because you’re not seeing eye-to-eye about a situation. He thinks you’re wrong and you think he’s wrong... and you’re going to get to the bottom of it tonight, by the end of this argument. (Or so your ego would like you to think).

As you’re ‘talking’ (or ranting like raving lunatics at each other), take a moment to notice something so obvious about the situation that it may have, in the moment, escaped your attention. What does the body language of the couple look like? Are they sitting or is one of them standing? Are they breathing deeply from their bellies in a calm, relaxed way, or do they have short, panting breaths designed to get enough oxygen in to shout their next point out loud? What’s the tone of voice like?

Here’s they key:

Are they touching?

Or are they standing on opposite sides of the room, with a hostile space in between them, as if to say ‘if I was near you, either you or I would not be safe’.

Whenever there’s a conflict, there’s always a lot going on beneath the surface. The partner feels misunderstood, not heard, not seen, not loved. If the partner can have re-assurance that underneath it all, they are loved, it changes the whole dynamic.

Trying to ‘say’ that in the middle of an argument won’t work, because it’ll likely get lost in the midst of all the other communication that’s happening.

So what’s the ‘trick’ to de-escalate the conflict, reassure your partner that they are loved and move things in a positive direction, no matter what issue you’re fighting over?

Simple:

Touch.

Go over to your partner and maintain physical contact with them in a way that feels natural and makes sense in context. It’s a way of firmly saying, in no uncertain terms: “I love you more than I’m mad at you”.

You might notice that when you do this, your tone softens and you both ‘loosen up’ and re-connect, putting the relationship first, instead of the ‘issue’ that you were arguing about and letting come between you.

This doesn't 'resolve' the conflict, but it does start to save the real victim of the conflict: the love and connection you feel between each other.

This is another gem I learnt from one of the best relationship coaches on the planet, my friend and colleague Annie Lalla and she explains it in-depth on page 21 of her new mini e-book guide called:

“Mastering Love, Passion & Conflict.”

You can download it here:

www.mamoonyusaf.com/heart-guide/

The Psychological Reality is an actual fact of how the mind works. This truth has implications that are completely relevant to your life. You don’t need to ‘apply’ it to your life to make it work, because it’s always true, much like the laws of physics. The moment you see the truth of it, your life is automatically changed.

In this episode, I share the moment I realised my life would never be the same again and describe my first experience of dropping a recurring negative thought that I had re-lived hundreds of times. Thanks to The Psychological Switch, the thought dropped effortlessly, never to return. I haven’t been concerned about ‘dark thinking’ ever since.