The Role Of Presence In Marriage Conflicts

I recently came across an interesting definition of the word ‘love’, in the context of a loving relationship:

“The capacity to feel the full spectrum of human emotion in service of being present in this current moment (the only place you can actually be with another).”

I don’t know how technically accurate of a definition that is, but it’s an excellent description of what it means to be loving to another human being - especially during a conflict.

This morning my wife was inexplicably mad at me. I say ‘inexplicably’, but she could certainly explain it. Turns out the night before I was tired, grumpy and acting like a grouch. I had an attitude and just about managed to get myself to bed as early as possible.

This morning I woke up early, as chipper as one of the birds outside that wakes us up for the pre-dawn prayer. I got the boys to school and came home, curious about what was on Rachida’s mind. I had completely forgotten how grumpy I was acting the night before... but Rachida certainly hadn’t!

This brings up the quintessential challenge of relationships in general, and marriage in particular. How can you bring presence, a quiet mind and a loving heart to an interaction, especially when there are intense negative emotions like hurt, anger and a sense of righteous indignation?

This is as important when it comes to living with your partner, as when it comes to living in a country and a world split by political divisions. How can you be with the ‘other’ in a way that shines the light of the divine onto the situation?

Here’s what works best for me:

• The moment feelings of hurt, upset, sadness or anger come up in me, I move away from the temptation to ‘blame’ them on the other person, their stance, or their opinion
• Instead, notice the feelings and thoughts arise within yourself and observe them
• The moment you do this, you might notice that the edge is taken out of them; they’re not as hard to handle any more. They may even dissipate or completely disappear as you pay attention to them.
• The more conscious awareness you can bring to your feelings and thoughts, the better you can re-focus on what is actually being said and the more deeply you can listen
• More often than not, you’ll soon find that they are also dealing with some hurt, upset and frustration, which they might be perceiving is a result of your behaviour. Instead of getting caught up in that assumption, increase the intensity of your own presence
• Notice how, just as your harmful thoughts and feelings dissipated through the light of your conscious awareness, your partner’s hurt feelings dissipate as you give them space to express themselves, while deeply listening.
• Your presence is now shining its light so brightly that your partner is now feeling fully seen and heard, because they truly are.

This ‘marriage’ stuff is a work in progress and I don’t have any expectations of ever doing it ‘perfectly’, if there is such a thing. I am, however, very aware that the more presence I can bring to the ‘conflict’, the more I’m pouring water over the fire instead of oil.

To me, that’s what love is.