Hey, Man - The Advice Podcast for Men - "An extreme version of a classic conundrum" with Ben Mathis-Lilley

"An extreme version of a classic conundrum" with Ben Mathis-Lilley

Explicit content warning

06/10/19 • 84 min

Hey, Man - The Advice Podcast for Men

Speaking with Ben Mathis, daily news blogger at Slate and formerly of New York Magazine. Topics covered include: Growing up in Midland, MI - home of Dow Chemical, maintaining confidence as a writer, writing for the newspaper in junior high, how to balance the pressure to produce on a short deadline, inspirational teachers, writing advice, dealing with trolls and being called a cum stain, an “extreme version of a classic conundrum”, strip clubs and strippers at parties, the burden of keeping a secret, being a coward, white lies and being a good friend,“it’s not for me." Ben's advice: “never waste an opportunity to give a sincere compliment”

Hey Man,
I have an awkward situation that I need some advice on how to handle. I should note - I’m 30, work as a project manager for a high end contractor and am straight and live with my girlfriend of 3 years. A good friend’s bachelor party is coming up soon and he’s having it in Vegas. This is part of a friend group that I spent more time with when I was younger, but I feel a lot of loyalty to them even though I don’t seem them very often. Part of the reason I don’t see them is that I’ve gone in a different direction in my life and these guys seem to have never grown up (although I should say they’re all professionally successful). The problem is this: I just know they’re going to Vegas to have a real Vegas experience - there are going to be strippers, blow, gambling. Someone, or maybe even many of them, will hire escorts. None of this is my vibe, but the strippers/hookers thing is really not something I’m into. My girlfriend has an even bigger problem with it and doesn’t want me to go. I don’t know what to do. If I don’t go, I’ll really hurt my friend.
If I go to some things, but skip out on the strip clubs, I’ll be a total loser in their eyes. I guarantee no one else is skipping out on that. What should I do?

Signed,

Drip on the Strip

Ben Mathis Lilly

Don't forget to get in touch if you want to submit a question: 917-426-4326 or [email protected]

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Signed,

Drip on the Strip

Ben Mathis Lilly

Don't forget to get in touch if you want to submit a question: 917-426-4326 or [email protected]

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Previous Episode

"Is this okay?" with Avi Klein & Sam Graham-Felsen

Our first episode with co-hosts Avi Klein & Sam Graham Felsen.

We go over the premise of the show, what we hope to get out of it. Avi talks about his work as a psychotherapist and Sam talks about his background and novel. Then we get to our first advice question before each sharing a piece of advice that matters to us.

Hey Man,
I’m 24 and am 6 months into a relationship with an incredible woman who is 10 years older than me. I’ve been in a few relationships, none of which lasted particularly long besides a relationship that spanned most of high school into college. What feels different in this relationship is the dynamic with the woman I’m with - she very much wears the pants in our relationship and in her life. She’s worked her way up the corporate ladder in a competitive field, is very clear about how she wants to spend her time independently and with me. She even calls the shots in bed. For the most part, I have to admit, I really like it. In fact, it feels like this is what I’ve been missing my whole life. She’s demanding and it motivates me to do better. I also like the clarity in giving someone what they want. I guess this is to say, this feels like it satisfies a deep need in me.

But I also feel embarrassed by it and embarrassed by how much I like it. Sometimes I wonder if I should take charge more, make plans for the two of us, etc. but I can tell she gets annoyed and doesn’t like it when I try. Is this okay? Is this a normal relationship and how do I figure that out? I also notice that my friends are a little weirded out by this relationship. They’re polite, but I can tell something is off. What do I do about this?

Signed,
Soft in South Brooklyn

A few things we talk about:

Getting beaten by your wife in poker, “soft”, Freaks and Geeks, having a tutu collection, Marv Albert & Eddie Murphy, not liking your friend's partner, Advice Not Given by Mark Epstein, leaving your friend's NFL fantasy league, being a vegetarian at your friend's BBQ, Sam calls Avi out for not liking him when they first met, how annoying it is to watch how your friends act in new relationships, Buddhism & Mindfulness.

Send us an email at [email protected] or give us a call at 917-426-4326 to have your question featured on the show.

Avi's website and articles about masculinity and Louis C.K.
Sam's novel

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Next Episode

"Bored to Death" with Thomas Page McBee

We talk with Thomas Page McBee, author of "Man Alive" and "Amateur," which documents his journey to become the first trans-man to box in Madison Square Garden. Thomas' full bio is below.

Some of the topics discussed include: getting into arguments on the street, anger as the only acceptable emotion for men, why do men fight?, Thomas’ background as a writer, his interest in monsters, the importance of relationships in all of our success, being touch deprived as a man, “what sociologists call the cover of violence”, spotting people at the gym and getting spotted at the gym, strategy in boxing, going through puberty, vulnerability as bravery, making sense of your gender as a man, recognizing our capacity for violence.

You can check out Thomas' website here: https://www.thomaspagemcbee.com/

After our interview we move on to the following question:

Hey Man,

I realize as I’m writing this that I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for from you. I’m 30 and a team lead at a pretty big tech company that was formerly a start up but is now well established and owned by an even bigger tech company. I’ve worked my way up in my field, but I’m not satisfied at my job and unsure what to do next. My girlfriend and I have slipped into a very boring rhythm and I can’t tell where the relationship is going. We watch a lot of tv and have separate hobbies. We never have sex and I’m not even sure that I care that much (and I can’t tell what she’s thinking about things). I also have a daily weed habit that I can’t seem to kick. I’m bored when I don’t smoke. I have dreams about waking up early, going to the gym before work and catching up on all of the things I’m behind on, but inevitably I stick to the same pattern: I smoke weed the night before, go to bed late, wake up groggy and get to work late. Then I stay late at work trying to catch up and have a few drinks with co-workers before heading home and doing the same thing over and over again. I’m in a rut and don’t know how to get out of it. Any advice?

Signed,

Bored to Death

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