Forget About It

Explicit content warning

10/25/23 • 23 min

Healing Codependency is a six-part deeply personal podcast series that will offer you an intimate look at how and why I am the woman I am today. In this episode, I’ll share how letting go of the position to get back at my dad allowed me to see the love that was always there.

I witnessed my parents get divorced over my dad’s infidelity. After that, I stopped speaking to my dad. I was determined to find a way to “get back at him.” Eventually, I shut it all down and became someone who labeled themselves as having “no dad.” It wasn’t until 2004 — 10 years later — that I started trying to remember what I was even mad about.

I share the feeling of allegiance to my mom and how that pain caused me to express resentment and hate toward my dad, and suppress love in the process. I illustrate our first conversation in a decade during my brother’s wedding and how there was so much relief in that moment — I realized it took so much time and energy to be mad at him. I share how we began to heal our relationship, including him joining my whole family at my wedding. I also share the last conversation we had before he died, and how that created a beautiful shift in my perspective about our relationship.

During the 10 years that I didn’t speak to my dad, I had to actively ignore the love and pretend it didn’t exist. I now understand that my allegiance to my mom was my codependent creation that I thought was love, but it was actually the opposite. While painful, my dad and I were able to open love back up. At one point, I didn’t actually believe it or feel it, but the love stays. Being right is an illusion. Love is all that matters.

Thank you for listening and thank you to my podcast producer Media Midwife Ahri Golden for helping me bring my story to life.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, TuneIn, Player FM, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

My allegiance to my mom after my parent’s breakup
Seeing my dad again at my youngest brother’s rehearsal dinner
Our father-daughter reunion at my wedding
The last conversation we had before my dad died
Realizing that “the love stays”
Gratitude for my blood dad’s contribution to my DNA
Maturity about my parent’s marriage being none of my business

Get in touch:

Credit:

Sponsored by Supah Star Dark Chocolate Superfood Bars and Godseye Oils
Podcast Production by Media Midwife Ahri Golden
Podcast art by Megan Schiller

Thank you for listening and thank you to my podcast producer Media Midwife Ahri Golden for helping me bring my story to life.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, TuneIn, Player FM, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

My allegiance to my mom after my parent’s breakup
Seeing my dad again at my youngest brother’s rehearsal dinner
Our father-daughter reunion at my wedding
The last conversation we had before my dad died
Realizing that “the love stays”
Gratitude for my blood dad’s contribution to my DNA
Maturity about my parent’s marriage being none of my business

Get in touch:

Credit:

Sponsored by Supah Star Dark Chocolate Superfood Bars and Godseye Oils
Podcast Production by Media Midwife Ahri Golden
Podcast art by Megan Schiller

Previous Episode

Sacred Sisterhood

Healing Codependency is a six-part deeply personal podcast series that will offer you an intimate look at how and why I am the woman I am today. In this episode, I’ll get personal about my journey from feeling completely unsafe and female relationships to leaning into and trusting the totality of Sacred Sisterhood.

I spent over 20 years finding female friendships very confusing and very scary. The moment I learned about my biological dad changed the way I saw the world. Mix that with feeling “too much” — too loud, too big, too over the top — I chose to surround myself with men.

I share the feeling of experiencing my first entry point into female friendship, and how finding female community and union in different spaces allowed me to open up to others and experience love. When I met my sister soulmate (of 20 years), it was a launch pad for true, unconditional love. But in my decision to get sober, I was afraid that everything I attached to would be gone. I was worried that if I stopped drinking the fun would be over and somehow the love would leave. . What I learned is that choosing my health and happiness didn’t take away from our love or relationship. This was Sacred Sisterhood.

In the framework of codependency, being “too much” means that someone doesn’t know what to do in the presence of you. The opposite of that is realizing that there is space for all of us to be exactly who we are. Unconditional love is present, regardless.

Thank you for listening and thank you to my podcast producer Media Midwife Ahri Golden for helping me bring my story to life.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, TuneIn, Player FM, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered:

How learning about my biological dad changed the way I saw the world
Survival mechanisms when caretakers aren’t emotionally regulated
The change I experienced from surrounding myself with true female community
How female relationships in my teens reflected that I was “too much”
The reassurance of intertwined, beautiful, platonic sisterhood
How the “Too Much” twins allowed me to become the female friend I always wanted to be
Pregnancy, sobriety, and realizing I could still choose and give love
The lesson that there is space for everybody to be fully themselves

Get in touch:

Credit:

Sponsored by Supah Star Dark Chocolate Superfood Bars and Godseye Oils
Podcast Production by Media Midwife Ahri Golden
Podcast art by Megan Schiller

Next Episode

Relationship Upgrade

Healing Codependency is a six-part deeply personal podcast series that will offer you an intimate look at how and why I am the woman I am today. In this episode, I’ll tell the pivotal story of my relationship with my brother, and how letting go of a codependent relationship liberated both of us. This is the reason why I'm doing this work, and why this podcast exists.

The origin of my codependency story began the day I saved my 2 year old brother from drowning in our childhood pool. From then on, I assigned myself my brother’s keeper. I detail how my codependent relationship was a high priority throughout my life, from intervention and rehab to being his accountability partner, all the way to relapsing in my home... around my husband and children.

I share how clarity from sobriety provided a level of reality I was willing to acknowledge and accept, including having to make an intensely painful decision before the holidays. There was intense grief involved, but ultimately I knew I did the most loving thing for him and me. When a death in the family brought us back together, I felt peace about the situation, whether there was accountability on his side or not.

I illustrate markers of being in a codependent relationship and share the two gifts I received from this experience. I now know that every person is capable and in charge of themselves and their own life. The codependency was simply the relationship I created between myself and my brother’s potential. Letting go of the cycle always outweighs the discomfort.

Thank you for listening and thank you to my podcast producer Media Midwife Ahri Golden for helping me bring my story to life.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, TuneIn, Player FM, or on your favorite podcast platform.

Topics Covered: