Fare of the Free Child - Ep. 249: U for Understanding

Ep. 249: U for Understanding

Explicit content warning

04/28/22 • 29 min

Fare of the Free Child

This week we’re focused on the letter U for understanding in our P.A.U.S.E.werk. Listen as we talk about the language of conscious parenting, the difference between dialogue and discussion, and then some.

Domari and Akilah take us through some of their noticings about how understanding and control impact their relationships, and not just as mothers. Also, be ready for an insightful convo about an Instagram post where Ieishah Clelland (our Season 7 Co-Producer) questioned gentle parenting as a privilege. Akilah cites Dr. Sundiata’s distinction between dialogue and discussion as we question our relationship with understanding, and with discomfort. So much goodness in here! Pull out your pause pad and join us.

Madd Question Askin' Understanding Essay for people committed to Raising Free People

There is a link between Understanding and control, and in our efforts to become more partner-centered parents and caregivers,

we've got to look into that link.

Control is not inherently a negative thing,

but when control is our goal and we don't even realize it,

we can demand things from children

in the name of understanding,

when really what we're after is a sense of control.

Control is comforting.

Control feels like certainty,

yet comfort and certainty aren't always what's needed in a relationship.

Is it a child's job to be controllable?

Is it a child's job to give us a sense of certainty?

How do we impact children when we don't understand something they do?

And how much of our need to understand is tied to our desire to feel

like we're in control and we're sure about what's going on?

When are my efforts to control a child appropriate?

and when are they more about my lack of understanding?

Here’s a resource for working through the questions and feelings you will face as you let yourself ask better questions:

Restorative Justice and Conscious Parenting workshop. Happening Sunday, May 1st. Be ready for interactive exercises and group discussions, where we’ll learn the roots of restorative justice work, the basics of the restorative process, and how this supports your conscious parenting process, harm caused by supremacy culture, and other oppressive systems.

Discomfort is a significant part of understanding

Shout out to Ieishah who put this on the table and made us inquire about our relationship to discomfort. Ieishah reflects on conscious parenting and gentle parenting. Is our capacity for gentle parenting or to treat h

Support the show

Dig this show? Join our make-it-happen family at patreon.com/akilah to make sure we can keep this thang going strong. Thank you!
The Raising Free People Practice Card Deck
https://schoolishness.com/market/rfp-a-practice-deck/
Peek at the details of Personal Manifesto Path (will be available exclusively through our make-it-happen family on Patreon)
https://www.rfpunschool.com/p/manifesto
Our Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/@fareofthefreechild
The Village:
https://my-reflection-matters.mn.co/

Madd Question Askin' Understanding Essay for people committed to Raising Free People

There is a link between Understanding and control, and in our efforts to become more partner-centered parents and caregivers,

we've got to look into that link.

Control is not inherently a negative thing,

but when control is our goal and we don't even realize it,

we can demand things from children

in the name of understanding,

when really what we're after is a sense of control.

Control is comforting.

Control feels like certainty,

yet comfort and certainty aren't always what's needed in a relationship.

Is it a child's job to be controllable?

Is it a child's job to give us a sense of certainty?

How do we impact children when we don't understand something they do?

And how much of our need to understand is tied to our desire to feel

like we're in control and we're sure about what's going on?

When are my efforts to control a child appropriate?

and when are they more about my lack of understanding?

Here’s a resource for working through the questions and feelings you will face as you let yourself ask better questions:

Discomfort is a significant part of understanding

Support the show

Previous Episode

Ep 248: Listening Party Replay for ‘A. is for Absences’

Welcome #fofcpod fam! This episode is the continuation of our Listening Party Replay around the letter A (for Absences) in PAUSE. We’ll be inquiring more about what’s missing, understanding, compassion, and boundaries as we navigate through the ups and downs that may arise from this PAUSEwerk. Domari of Positive and Purposeful Parenting is in da house along with Ana Maria, Lou, Antoinette, and Joni who joined us in the Live Chat. Let's get into it!

Domari named some of the things she has been noticing around her relationship with her children. The words that resonated the most for her were compassion and trust. She reflects on what compassion looks like for her and also questions the misconception around what productivity means, and how sometimes she had struggled by feeling bad and unproductive for resting, being “lazy”.

Boundaries do not require understanding

Our hosts chat about boundaries and the layers around them. Akilah mentions the struggles we might face with different parts of ourselves: the compassionate self (intuitive) vs the schoolish self, and mentioned the patois that needs to be created to hold our intentions, the other person’s intentions, and the thing we’re looking to create.

Akilah also shares the importance of trustwork, seeing relationships not as transactional/productive but as connections, as in what we notice together and what our healing work looks like.

This week’s pull from the Raising Free People practice deck revealed the Layer card (same card from the last pull):

Layer: If I can access grace in this moment, I may choose to offer it in honor of all the many layers that comprise this person I love. And if I do, might that be enough for me, for now?

Next week we’ll be having a deep conversation about U for understanding, but for now, Madd Question Askin’ time:

How can I check in with children about what they feel they need from me?
What's being communicated in this moment?
Which layer am I focusing on right now?
Which layer feels present?

LIBERATION WALK

Give us some feedback about this episode, reflect inside FOFC Village, or directly in our Make It Happen Family on Patreon
Share some thoughts and press that “Leave a Voice Message” button on the right side or email Akilah and think about what feels missing? at [email protected]
Subscribe to Akilah’s Youtube Channel

Support the show

Next Episode

Ep 250 - Listening party for ‘U. for Understanding’

Peace, #fofcpod fam! This week we’re still focused on the letter U for understanding as part of our P.A.U.S.E.werk. Domari (of Positive and Purposeful Parenting) and Akilah hosted the listening party, and Jonie, Reese, Ana Maria, and Erica joined live to share and hear feedback and touchpoints. Together, they reflected and inquired about our relationship with understanding, how autonomy and trust are intertwined, the many layers around discomfort, compassion, trust, and then some.

Let’s agree to disagree

Our two hosts reflect on what they’ve been noticing around their relationships and pause work, on the importance of taking the space to go through certain feelings, crying, for example, as a liberation practice. As our hosts speak and share their stories, pausing and understanding emerge as key components in the trust work that builds up community and healthy partnership.

Check some of the offerings the listeners gave us during this Listening Party Live Chat

“In my family, disagreement equals disrespect.” - Erica

“For me, I’ve been working on shedding the belief that needing to be understood equals being loved. I think I've tried so hard to get the members of my family to understand me when I think what I was really looking for was compassion, and not actually needing to be understood.” - Ana Maria

“I’m feeling into understanding so much more as a verb, it’s not a set destination, it’s movement, it shifts, morphs and transforms.” - Jonie

Careese shares some thoughts about Ieishah’s reflection on gentle parenting as a privilege. If you missed the previous episode you can replay it here Episode. 249: U for Understanding and get more details.

Then Akilah pulls a card from the Raising Free People practice deck:

AUTONOMY:

Take up space, let them take up space too, practice allowing yourself and them to take up space, work it until it invites boundaries that work.

Remember that the Raising Free People Card Deck is available now, click here to order it.

Next week we will be talking about the S in P.A.U.S.E. for sorting or shedding, we will reflect on what’s good for your family and what might need releasing or re-imagining?

LIBERATION WALK

We love feedback, so don’t be shy and share some thoughts by pressing that “Leave a Voice Message” button on the right side or email Akilah and speak up about today's revelations [email protected]
Subscribe to Akilah’s Youtube Channel
Give us some feedback about this episode, reflect inside

Support the show