ERP 051: How To Thrive With ADHD In Your Relationship

01/30/16 • 34 min

Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books – The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger). She is considered one of the foremost authorities on ADHD and relationships – counseling ADHD-affected couples, and teaching marriage professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov runs a very popular and effective 8-week phone seminar for couples, and blogs at www.adhdmarriage.com.

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

Melissa Orlov talks with us about the impact of ADHD on marriage and romantic relationships. She describes the common signs and clues of ADHD and how it manifests within intimate relationships. She explains the predictable patterns that couples go through and where couples get stuck in unhealthy dynamics.

“ADHD is misnamed. It is not about attention deficit. It is actually about attention dysregulation.”

Melissa offers insight into her work of helping couples shift out of these negative patterns so that they can work together more effectively and positively. She also emphasizes the importance of managing the ADHD symptoms in a healthy way.

She shared three main points to her work:

1, Gaining awareness and education about ADHD.

2. Working hard to let go of problematic relationship patterns and create new relationship interactions and patterns that are more productive and positive.

3. Being compassionate and empathetic to your partner.

Melissa encourages people to view learning about an ADHD diagnosis as a good thing. She shares that between 70-90% of adults with ADHD can significantly improve the management of their ADHD symptoms with the right treatment.

MENTIONED

Melissa Orlov – ADHD Marriage (website)
ADHD Effect Couples Seminar (course)
The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (book)
The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD (book)
Free Treatment Guide (opt-in gift)
Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder (book)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Thank you so much for your interest about ADHD in romantic relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

“ADHD is misnamed. It is not about attention deficit. It is actually about attention dysregulation.”

She shared three main points to her work:

1, Gaining awareness and education about ADHD.

2. Working hard to let go of problematic relationship patterns and create new relationship interactions and patterns that are more productive and positive.

3. Being compassionate and empathetic to your partner.

MENTIONED

Melissa Orlov – ADHD Marriage (website)
ADHD Effect Couples Seminar (course)
The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (book)
The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD (book)
Free Treatment Guide (opt-in gift)
Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder (book)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Thank you so much for your interest about ADHD in romantic relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Previous Episode

ERP 050: Exploring Love & Conscious Evolution With Dr. Keith Witt

Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his five Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website.

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about our evolution and development. He incorporates several different disciplines to offer a rich and comprehensive approach to relationships, love, sexuality, and intimacy. He talks about pain, suffering, and trauma in life and relationship.

“Being responsible means at the point something happens we start working to make it better in a healthy way. We have this power...focused intent and action, in service of principle and driven by result is a super power.” Dr. Keith Witt

MENTIONED

Dr. Keith Witt (website)
Integral Mindfulness: Clueless to Dialed in – How Integral Mindful Living Makes Everything Better (amazon link)
Loving Completely (video series)
The School Of Love (video series)
Patricia Albere and Evolutionary Collective (website)
James Masterson (wikipedia)
Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey)

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Thank you so much for your desire to learn more about higher consciousness in relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Next Episode

ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP!

A special gift: For the first 40 people that contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other.

LISTENER’S QUESTION:

“In pondering my relationship issues, I wondered how much of it is related to childhood insufficiencies or lack of ideal parenting. In my search, I found an article about attachment styles. I found myself in the anxious insecure attachment style. l also identified my soon to be ex husband’s attachment style and my current boyfriend’s attachment style. What the article does not address very much is how do we overcome those needs that weren’t met in childhood so that we can be more complete adults now and therefore have healthy relationships.”

ADULT ATTACHMENT RESEARCH

Much of the empirical research in the field of attachment is based on the pioneering theoretical work of John Bowlby(1969/1973/1980). Bowlby’s attachment theory was founded upon evolutionary principles and developed from his research in observing the emotional and behavioral reactions of infants when separated from their primary caregiver. Attachment responses are designed to keep infants in close proximity to their caregivers, which help keep them safe and protected from harm. These emotional and behavioral responses are a part of the complex constellation called an attachment system. Any type of threat to the stability of existing attachment bonds is thought to activate the attachment system (Bowlby, 1969), and people differ systematically in the way they cope with distress and regulate feelings of security (Bowlby, 1973).

Another goal of the attachment system is to promote the sense of “felt security” (Treboux et al., 2004, p. 295), which is the perception that an attachment figure is both available and responsive (Bowlby, 1969). Sustaining this sense of felt security is thought to be critical for maintaining satisfying, close attachment bonds (Bowlby, 1969).

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

HOW TO EARN A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE:

1. Gain awareness of your attachment style. 2. Understand your attachment response is real and important. Many of us get frustrated with ourselves...wanting to be different and feel different. 3. Identify your attachment need. Sometimes this requires getting in touch with deep pain, which can feel extremely vulnerable. 4. Communicate your attachment needs in ways that move your partner to respond and work with you.Communicate in a ways that your partner can hear it. 5. (When your partner wants you to be there for them) Show up in a way that works for you. Most of the time we can’t show up because we are also feeling threatened, reacting, and in pain. 6. Work to prioritize emotional safety in your relationship. 7. Meet your partner in connection. Reveal deep vulnerable truths, see, hear, understand, and validate each other.

Yes, it is possible to heal attachment insecurities. It does take effort and constructive practice. If you are interested in getting support and guidance to work these steps, please contact me. I would be honored to help.

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about attachment styles in love relationships.

Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Thank you!

If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing