#empathyforgrief - Break the Silent Struggle With Grief Podcast

Welcome to Mother's Backyard Buzz, this is a podcast where we break the silent struggle with grief. I'll be unpacking my book My Backyard Garden, A Memoir of How Love Conquers Grief. I am the author and your host, Debra Hester. Chapter by chapter I'll move us deeper into what I included and didn't include in my book that speaks to this journey we all take called "grief".

The death of a loved one is a struggle that many people live their life with day after day. The cause of death may be illness, violence, an accident, what some may consider too early or after having lived a long life. It may be sudden or expected. Regardless, there can be many heavy emotions associated with the death of a loved one that come and go long after the funeral. Grief is a journey.

We the loved ones have a journey ahead that seems to have no end. I'm not here to define what the journey or the end looks life for you. I just want to share my journey and encourage you to share yours with someone. During my journey, I wrote the book, My Backyard Garden and published it in 2018 as a way to say to other loved ones...you're not alone and you don't need to struggle in silence. I also wanted to share with you that I realized that there is a way to move with and through grief... a move journey that is uniquely yours and I share mine with you in hopes that you will find your way to a better place.

Starting with the "Introduction" chapter in my book, My Backyard Garden, I used this as an opportunity to express my journey as a greatest love journey. That "greatest" level of love may or may not apply to you; but the grief you feel is still real and will take you down a different road after this person has died and left your life changed. Yes, changed. Different people handle change differently and I really didn't think about the personal change aspect of grief until Started reflecting on what was happening to me. Someway this change creates reflection and that reflection brought forward all types of emotions that I struggled with inside and I knew they needed to come out in a positive way. For me that way was through memories.

Part of the reason my book title became My Backyard Garden was because some of my fondest memories were created there; and in my imagination, I'm there always and plan on being there as my life continues. I hope you can find a place of memories for your grief journey. It can be a garden or somewhere else. I'm not sure why I didn't pick a beach because I love beaches too. But one of the first things that I suggest you do is really reflect back and think of what I'll call your garden place and use that place to continue your journey.

Why do you need a place you might ask? I'm not going to support this with statistics or educational findings. All I know is that it helped me and I truly hope it helps you because when I lost my mother, I felt lost and alone. I did see a counselor who asked me with much concern after I broke down with tears in her office: "Are you truly along?" Some of us are truly alone after a death; but I wasn't. I had family and friends; but I let that I was because no one could replace that relations hip that I had with my mother. So I felt alone and it's something about feeling alone also make me feel lost because I didn't know what to do about feeling alone.

Creating a "place" helped me. Creating a backyard garden helped me. You'll learn in future episodes why the backyard became a special place for me and my mother and I hope you can find and share what your special place is. Send them with your O.K. to post, I'll post them to my website to inspire others at: www.mothersbackyard.com and on social media.

So, thank you loved ones for listening to Mother's Backyard Buzz #empathyforgrief. This is Debra Hester, break-in the silent struggle with grief. Remember: move forward from grief with love and more empathy, less sympathy. If you found the podcast helpful, subscribe to me on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. My book is available online at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and my through my website. Pleas leave me a podcast comment on what you'd like me to address from my book or personal experience. Leave comments on the podcast and let me know how you're doing with your grief journey at Mother's Backyard Buzz.

Join me for my next episode when the buzz will be about why I choose the verse "The Greatest of these is love. Peace & Blessings.

The special podcast launch code is: LUNCH1MBG. Use it on my website from November 11 - 18, 2019 to get a discounted price on a special ebook version of my book. You can use the downloaded...

Welcome to Mother's Backyard Buzz.

This is podcast # 6, where we "break the silent struggle" around grief by unpacking my book, My Backyard Garden - A Memoir of How Love Conquers Grief.

I am the author and your podcast host, Debra Hester. Chapter by chapter, I'll move us deeper into what I included and didn't include in my book that speaks to this journey we all take called grief.

Why I Didn't Use Family Names

Grief is so deep and wide, believe it or not, if you're following along with my book, I'm on the Introduction. I know people don't always read the Introduction, but I want you to read my intro because I share many of my why's theres. I'd like to talk to you in this episode about "why" I used relational names in the memoir instead of my family's actual names or some fictitious names. So let's explore what drove my heart and mind to do that.

Who are we to each other? When we say that we know someone, who are they to us? I was going through life accepting or ignoring who people were to me, really. One side of my family had the habit of calling everyone by their birth name. Some of us had two names, and some had three names in addition to your surname. On both sides of my family, most of us were given names in remembrance of one of our ancestors or someone we admired. I believe when we are named after an ancestor, it is an honor. I love this tradition.

On the other side of my family, I had a relational title, like "Sister Debra" or "Cousin Debra." When I realized the difference, I started reflecting on how dear that made me feel. When I was grieving that made me feel better, I felt as if I belonged. That relational title strengthened me in way that I never realized before. I don't think I've ever been into many titles. I had a professional title as a director, but no one called me Director Hester. I wasn't a doctor, attorney or minister so, of course, I wasn't referred to by those titles.

In the southern part of the U. S., people tend to address you as Miss or Mrs. more than other parts of the country. That felt strange at first, but I eventually got used to it. But none of the titles or potential titles, seem more uplifting than the relational titles.

I grew up where my aunts called my mother, sister and my one living uncle, brother. They had first names. At the time, it seemed country and, of course, since I was born more or less in the country, I saw that as less than desirable. But now, I appreciate the relational titles, what I'd like to call, terms of endearment.

We often think of terms of endearment as a name we use to address those we have affection for like sweetheart, or sweetie pie (one of my favorite childhood friend's name). I love to refer to my son as my #1 son because he was my firstborn and my only son. My girls, I enjoy calling them darl'ng, that's a New Orleans favorite. And I often hear my daughter-in-law call my grandsons, buddy.

Most people spend a lot of time considering what to name their children. I think that is important, but what we call them every day showing our affection is often not understood until we're much older. Those terms of endearment bring us closer than our given formal names. Some languages, like Spanish, have the formal and informal built-in with the use of "tu" for informal and "used" for the formal word "you". So using terms of endearment are important and useful in your grief journey.

A Quote From the Movie, Terms of Endearment

The words "terms of endearment" was popularized by a movie. Do you remember a movie called, Terms of Endearment? It was a comedy-drama released back in the early eighties. With Shirley MacLaine, who won an Oscar for Best Actress in the film, with Debra Winger and one of my favorite actors, Jack Nicholson, along with Jeff Daniels and John Lithgow.

Early on, Shirley MacLain, the mother tells Debra Winger, her daughter, "You aren't special enough to overcome a bad marriage." "but terms of endearment is certainly special enough to overcome its own problems. And I'll add to that quote from the movie: terms of endearment are special enough to overcome and move you forward in your grief journey.

If you haven't seen the movie, it might not be obvious, so I encourage you to watch it. Hollywood definitely uses a play on the word "terms" but what I like about the movie's one-liner delivered by Shirley MacLaine, is that it shows the potential power of terms of endearment.

Your Special Relationship

So why are terms of endearment important on the grief journey? You have a special relationship with your loved ones. Mother and fathers have terms of endearment sort of built in with "Mommy", "Daddy", "Pops", etc. But create what you need for the person who you love and has died and passed on.

So often now out of respect, I refer to my deceased mother as "mother"; but when I spoke to her, I called...

I am Closed. Not really, but this is Debra Hester. Welcome to Mother's Backyard Buzz and #empathyforgrief and loss episode, 18 entitled, "I Am Closed." How many times have we seen closed in 2020? Who thought these ones would be a phrase of global importance due to small and large business closures? Because of COVID-19. I did a Google search on the term. I am closed and got 5.81 billion results in 59 seconds through Google search engine, based on the search results.

I can not say it's a unique phrase, but here we are talking about being closed due to COVID-19 for the second time in 2020, I'm here to talk about what happens when we close off from each other emotionally and physically when we are grieving. Do you believe I am closed, works to our advantage. When we struggle in silence from grief and loss? As with all my episodes, I'll focus on breaking the silence, struggle around grief and loss.

My podcasts are based on my personal grief and loss journey and reflections from my book, My Backyard Garden, A Memoir of How Love Conquers Grief. I'm reflecting on Chapter One of my book entitled, "A Change of Planes." I have about three more podcasts that I'll produce from this chapter and I'll move on to Chapter Two intensive care.

My book is a quick read and is designed for continued reflection. For those of us who are on this life, changing grief and loss journey, or know someone who is. We want to show people who grieve more empathy than sympathy, or as I like to say, show yourself and others, #empathyforgrief and loss.

Loved ones, I love my new interview podcast format. I had planned to add interviews periodically, but the universe started sending me such great and inspiring people. They are people who are like you and me who have gone through challenges and made it to the other side with some insights to share.

I met my guest that we're going to hear from today through a virtual meeting. Actually, I have to thank a mutual friend of ours for the introduction. She lives in Atlanta. My guest lives in Detroit and I live in Memphis, Tennessee, Metro area. She didn't let distance stop her. That alone is a topic for another podcast. But back to my guest, his name is Dr. Billy Taylor. He has a very inspiring story that will highlight this episode's issue, I am closed.

Based on Billy Taylor's story and documentary, he was closed. He was closed for good reason though, in his senior year at the University of Michigan, as he began his transition to pro football, he lost his mother, uncle, and girlfriend. All four of his loved ones were lost suddenly and tragically over his senior year in college. Do you think he was closed? You'd better believe he was so stay tuned for this interview with Dr. Billy Taylor.

Yes. Touchdown Billy Taylor, as he is called by the University of Michigan fans. He was a former pro football running back and currently a successful businessman, motivational speaker, and the author of Get Back Up, The Billy Taylor Story, Dr. Billy Taylor was born in Hoxie, Arkansas. And I love that because that is my home state too. Dr. Taylor is going to share his life story so much better than I can. So as always loved ones, I hope you find this interview with Dr. Billy Taylor as part of episode number 18, "I Am Closed, "helpful and inspirational.

Debra Hester: Basically welcome! The podcast is all about breaking the silence, struggle with grief and loss now with COVID-19. And one of the things with this particular episode is about "I am closed." I know you wrote your book, Get Back Up, and what we'd like to hear is why were you closed? What happened? Why did you close yourself off from your family, your coaches, your friends, you had such a great career.

Dr. Billy Taylor: A lot of people handle grief differently. That as well as the fact that was, you know, 19 years old when my mom passed being the youngest of seven, and I lost my dad when I was five years old. And so I really didn't get to know him, but my mom was my everything, all through my K through 12 years and into college. And I had set these goals that when I was in middle school, I wanted to get a doctorate degree one day like that of Dr. Martin Luther King, which of course meant attending college. And then I wanted to play college and professional football. With that, with the money I earned, I was going to purchase a new home from my mom and just take care of her. Cause I'm the youngest of seven. And I know how hard she worked, you know, raising ...

Welcome to Mother's Backyard Buzz and #empathyforgriefandloss episode #16 - Part 1 where I want to focus on a "Portal to Another World". Each episode is all about "breaking the silent struggle" around grief and loss. My podcasts are based on my personal grief and loss journey and reflections from my book: My Backyard Garden - A Memoir of How Love Conquers Grief. I'm reflecting on Chapter 1 of my book entitled "A Change of Planes". From my book, I share current insights into this life-changing journey called grief and loss. Thanks for joining me, Debra Hester, as the author and your host of #empathyforgriefandloss podcast.

A Couple of Firsts

This is an exceptional podcast for me. As always, there are no chance meetings. In Episode #16, you will be hearing a new format. This topic will also have two episodes dedicated to it. This format is transitioning #empathyforgrief podcast to a video series on the Mother's Backyard Enterprises Channel on YouTube.

You will be listening to a pre-recorded conversation with my very first guest. His name is Ruben Medina. We met virtually, and I recorded his interview via Zoom as he shared it "live" on Facebook. The discussion includes fun and earnest insights on how to create a Portal to Another World when you're suffering from grief and loss. Ruben not only shares some of his wisdom, but also some of his inspirational music. My favorite song by MC Medina is "Wake Up." As always, loved ones, I hope you find this episode helpful and inspirational.

[Recorded Conversation]

Medina: So ladies and gentlemen, we are good to go...celebration! Oh man, I wish I had some more noise making material over here!

Debra: All right, well for me, it's welcome, especially all your guests! You know this is my first time and I really look at you as a God-sent because I don't think I would have done this alone. So I really needed a partner to get me to this Facebook live experience. And here he is Mr. Ruben Medina M.C Medina and you know, as I said, no chance meetings, right? This was just amazing how we met online and just sort of have a very similar vision. and when I talked to him and understood sort of where his head was I knew that he needed to be a guest on #empathyforgrief Break the Silent Struggle with Grief and Loss. And I can only say that I hope this isn't the last time.

Medina: Good afternoon, thank y'all for checking in I got a homie with me. We haven't even met, but I'm calling her my homie because we did on such a deep spiritual level.

Her name is Miss Debra Hester and she's got books and she's got all types of stuff. Y'all can't see her right now but we're doing this on Zoom video for the first, I mean this is my first timeYeah this is both of our first time doing the podcast video style, big quarantine style. No masks today I thought about wearing one just for aesthetic purposes but then I thought I should probably have gloves too. And I don't have gloves so we just threw out the whole idea.

But we're definitely more than six feet apart right now, so we're good.

Debra: I’ll go through the front end about the podcast a little bit. It's all about breaking the silence struggle with grief. This is my 16th podcast of #empathyforgrief. You can get podcasts anywhere you download podcasts. It is available through most podcast providers. What I do is, every podcast I talk about a subject from my book.

I wrote this book, "My Backyard Garden, A Memoir of How Love Conquers Grief." And it chronicles the last days of my mother's life. and she was like my everything and I lost her. I had a long time, don't get me wrong and she was ready to leave this world. She had lived a long, healthy life and she was only ill near the end. So that's a blessing in itself.

But she told us all these different things. She had a chance to tell all the grandkids, the kids, and her great-grandchildren. What she told me is this is your book. So I actually wrote this book, “My Backyard Gardening, A Memoir of How Love Conquerors Grief.

I named it "My Backyard Garden" because my mother said that you know God had prepared her and that she wasn't afraid to die. And that he had told her to help the children because the children go out into the world for the things that they should get in their own backyard, so "My Backyard Garden, is the name of the book. "My Backyard” because she left us with a lot of love.

And I struggled so until I realized other people were struggling and I just started creating a podcast because it's a journey. You know grief isa journey we all will take. And this particular episode is about "Portal to Another World." Ye...

Welcome to Mother's Backyard Buzz, podcast #5 where we "break the silent struggle" around grief by unpacking my book: "My Backyard Garden - A Memoir of How Love Conquers Grief".

I am the author and your host, Debra Hester. If you're following along in the book, I'm still unpacking the Introduction. I haven't gotten to Chapter One yet so you're not behind by any means. My goal is to move us deeper into what I included and didn't include in my book that speaks to this journey we all take - called grief.

Struggle and grief in the same sentence is not hard to believe. Where there is pain, there is a desire and need to recover, to be without pain. It can be physical injury or emotional injury. Very few recoveries are easy, we struggle. The deeper or more extensive the injury, it seems to be more pain associated with it and a longer more difficult road to recovery. Grief is painful, I felt like it was an emotional injury. In my book, I called it heart-death, heart-break didn't seem to be intense enough for me. I even anticipated scaring as a part of my recovery. In my pain, I felt crippled too. My spirit crippled. I would go out into the world and felt like I had something that was affecting me; but no one else could see it. When you have physical injuries, they are visible. People see it and may respond to it both positively or negatively depending on the person but they do recognize it.

How do we recognize grief? How do we see grief and show grief in today's world is what I'd like to explore. Especially in the U. S. and other western cultures.

Back in the day, black was the color of mourning; but what is the color of grieving? That ongoing feeling where some days it's there and other days it's not. Do you ever wonder as I do, what do I wear on my grieving days? I could totally relate to when people wore black as a sign that you were grieving. While in some modern funerals, some families decide to wear white; my family work black to my mother's funeral and I only wanted to wear black clothes for sometime after that. But wearing black after a while becomes meaningless as a way to show I'm grieving today.

Since wearing black is not the "give-away" for grief, how do we know when people are grieving? Well, what I realized was there is a secret society. There I was, feeling alone, thinking that it was only me and my family and maybe some friends who were on this grief journey. But there is this secret society that emerged. As I wrote in my book, My Backyard Garden, A Memoir of How Love Conquers Grief, it emerged out of conversations with strangers.

Have you shared with a stranger that you recently lost your loved one? I did and it feels sort of strange at first. I didn't want pity or sympathy from the person. They just happened to be the soul that was present when grief hit me. What amazed me was most, not all had a grief story to share of their own. It was told in a way that said, I understand, it's OK, I've been there too. Each time grief hits in the presence of strangers and it din't always happen that way, I became more and more comfortable and also curious and open to if they would share their personal grief story.

It became sort of a mission...finding another soul who was in the secret society of grief survivors. The SSOGS.

I can't remember anyone that responded in a way that was hurtful to me. There were people who said nothing so get ready for that. I just moved on and didn't let that awkward moment of silence linger too long.

Sharing your loss with a stranger displays your courage to move through grief. I encourage you to try it when it feels right and let me know if it worked for you. I don't want you to feel hurt from it so maybe try it with someone who is in the service industry, maybe who seems to be present, not in a hurry and appears to be concerned about others in general as a start.

I'm also open to those who have tried to share their grief with a stranger and had a positive outcome so we can share successful approaches with each other. Or those who have some not so successful encounters and want to share some things we should avoid. Remember we are all on this grief journey together and we want to encourage #empathyforgrief.

I want to thank you loved ones for listening to Mother's Backyard Buzz. This is Debra Hester, your host, where I pledge to continue to break the silent struggle with grief. Remember: move forward from grief with love and more empathy, less sympathy.

If you found the podcast helpful subscribe to me on Apple or Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts from. To learn more about my mission, check out my website and reach out to me on my blog at: www.mothersbackyard.com. My book is available on Amazon & Barnes & Noble. Please leave me a podcast review on what you'd like me to address from my book or personal experience. Leave comments...