“Assassins” Podcast Movie Review
Explicit content warning
04/23/19 • 65 min
Assassins (1995; Richard Donner) – Dare Daniel Podcast Episode 37
“We got nada, zilch, zip, zero, dry hump.”
On this jasmine perfume-obsessed episode of the Dare Daniel podcast, quirky-ass hosts Daniel Barnes and Corky McDonnell review the quirky-ass hitmen of Richard Donner’s 1995 snoozer Assassins.
A hilariously pretentious attempt at an existential hitman thriller, Assassins pits Sylvester Stallone’s morose mumbling against Antonio Banderas’ out-of-control mugging.
Essentially a slow-witted-cat-and-overacting-mouse chase movie, Assassins stars Stallone and Banderas as rival hitmen gunning for the number one spot on the hitman charts. Meanwhile, Julianne Moore co-stars as Electra, an off-the-grid “info thief” known only by her “internet logo,” which also contains her e-mail address (it’s [email protected], because of computers).
After wistfully recalling meaningful chess games from their pasts, Daniel and Corky talk about cat boyfriends, Banderas memes, magic computers and monorail chases, while also discussing the best ways to casually eat a banana.
ASSASSINS FACTS AND FIGURES
U.S. theatrical release date: October 6, 1995
Domestic box office: $30 million (production budget: $50 million)
Critic scores: 15 on Rotten Tomatoes
This week’s craft beer: Modern Times Brewing‘s Bedrock (6.2% ABV)
This week’s Darer: The President of the Assassins Guild of Assassinations
Why did The President of the Assassins Guild of Assassinations dare Daniel and Corky to watch Assassins? “While The Assassins Guild of Assassinations (AGA) is very supportive of movies highlighting the many contributions those skilled in the assassin arts have made to humanity over the years, this movie is a black eye on an otherwise flawless genre of movies. Antonio Banderas plays an “assassin” who can’t get the #1 ranking with the AGA unless he takes out Sly Stallone, who is in the process of retiring from assassinating people?! There are lots of stupid scenes of the two trying to get the drop on each other. And Banderas wearing baseball hats (when he clearly has no idea how they work). Also, Julianne Moore is in it.”
IMDB synopsis: “Professional hit-man Robert Rath wants to fulfill a few more contracts before retiring but unscrupulous ambitious newcomer hit-man Miguel Bain keeps killing Rath’s targets.”
This week’s referenced movies: The Dark Knight Rises; The Goonies; Superman; Lethal Weapon; The Omen; Se7en; Judge Dredd; Jury Duty; The Monuments Men; Pulp Fiction; The Snowman; The Marathon Man; Die Hard; Rain Man; Coco; The Money Pit
Ratings for Assassins: Daniel – Double Dare; Corky – Double Dare
RELATED CLIPS
Original theatrical trailer for Assassins
Follow Dare Daniel on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Be sure to listen, rate, review and subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, PlayerFM, Listen Notes, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, Castbox and more. New episodes come out every other Tuesday! Help support the show by clicking the Donate button on the Dare Daniel ho...
Assassins (1995; Richard Donner) – Dare Daniel Podcast Episode 37
“We got nada, zilch, zip, zero, dry hump.”
On this jasmine perfume-obsessed episode of the Dare Daniel podcast, quirky-ass hosts Daniel Barnes and Corky McDonnell review the quirky-ass hitmen of Richard Donner’s 1995 snoozer Assassins.
A hilariously pretentious attempt at an existential hitman thriller, Assassins pits Sylvester Stallone’s morose mumbling against Antonio Banderas’ out-of-control mugging.
Essentially a slow-witted-cat-and-overacting-mouse chase movie, Assassins stars Stallone and Banderas as rival hitmen gunning for the number one spot on the hitman charts. Meanwhile, Julianne Moore co-stars as Electra, an off-the-grid “info thief” known only by her “internet logo,” which also contains her e-mail address (it’s [email protected], because of computers).
After wistfully recalling meaningful chess games from their pasts, Daniel and Corky talk about cat boyfriends, Banderas memes, magic computers and monorail chases, while also discussing the best ways to casually eat a banana.
ASSASSINS FACTS AND FIGURES
U.S. theatrical release date: October 6, 1995
Domestic box office: $30 million (production budget: $50 million)
Critic scores: 15 on Rotten Tomatoes
This week’s craft beer: Modern Times Brewing‘s Bedrock (6.2% ABV)
This week’s Darer: The President of the Assassins Guild of Assassinations
Why did The President of the Assassins Guild of Assassinations dare Daniel and Corky to watch Assassins? “While The Assassins Guild of Assassinations (AGA) is very supportive of movies highlighting the many contributions those skilled in the assassin arts have made to humanity over the years, this movie is a black eye on an otherwise flawless genre of movies. Antonio Banderas plays an “assassin” who can’t get the #1 ranking with the AGA unless he takes out Sly Stallone, who is in the process of retiring from assassinating people?! There are lots of stupid scenes of the two trying to get the drop on each other. And Banderas wearing baseball hats (when he clearly has no idea how they work). Also, Julianne Moore is in it.”
IMDB synopsis: “Professional hit-man Robert Rath wants to fulfill a few more contracts before retiring but unscrupulous ambitious newcomer hit-man Miguel Bain keeps killing Rath’s targets.”
This week’s referenced movies: The Dark Knight Rises; The Goonies; Superman; Lethal Weapon; The Omen; Se7en; Judge Dredd; Jury Duty; The Monuments Men; Pulp Fiction; The Snowman; The Marathon Man; Die Hard; Rain Man; Coco; The Money Pit
Ratings for Assassins: Daniel – Double Dare; Corky – Double Dare
RELATED CLIPS
Original theatrical trailer for Assassins
Follow Dare Daniel on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Be sure to listen, rate, review and subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, PlayerFM, Listen Notes, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, Castbox and more. New episodes come out every other Tuesday! Help support the show by clicking the Donate button on the Dare Daniel ho...
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“Bio-Dome” Podcast Movie Review
https://daredaniel.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/DareDanielE036S01.mp3
Bio-Dome (1996; Jason Bloom) – Dare Daniel Podcast Episode 36
“If you had feral children, put them in bowling shirts, injected them with methamphetamines, this is what you would get. Only less restrained than that.”
In this Earth Day-themed episode of the Dare Daniel podcast, Gen-X roadkill on the superhighway of progress Daniel Barnes and Corky McDonnell review Jason Bloom’s environmentally unconscious comedy Bio-Dome. Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin star as Tucson junior college students Bud and Doyle, 30-year-old man-children accidentally sealed inside an experimental science lab.
Bio-Dome is a psychotically unfunny and thoroughly loathsome comedy from start to finish. That said, the film earns points for never taking its foot off the pedal, and for never attempting to make the manic idiot protagonists remotely likable or even human.
More excreted than released in January 1996, the film co-stars Kylie Minogue, William Atherton (playing against type as a bureaucratic prick shown up by rulebreaking slobs), Joey Lauren Adams and Rose McGowan, and features cameos from Roger Clinton, Patricia Hearst, and Tenacious D. That early 1990s casting gets abetted by an early 1990s MTV aesthetic, just right for the uniquely layered and nuanced comedy stylings of Pauly Shore.
Unable to cork it any longer, Daniel and Corky discuss anatomically correct action figures, grape smugglers, clown murders, The Great Chipmunk Fire of 1989, Taylor Negron ex machina, soy casserole and coconut bombs.
BIO-DOME FACTS AND FIGURES
U.S. theatrical release date: January 12, 1996
Domestic box office: $13.4 million (production budget of $15 million)
Critic scores: 4 on Rotten Tomatoes; 1 on Metacritic
This week’s craft beer: Pizza Port Brewing‘s Bacon and Eggs Imperial Coffee Porter
This week’s Darer: The Weezel
Why did The Weezel dare Daniel and Corky to watch Bio-Dome? “This movie gave Al Gore meaning to his life, as is well known. Pauly Shore AND Stephen Baldwin save the earth with cigarette butts while earning the respect of some sexy doctors and their girlfriends.”
IMDB synopsis: “Moronic best friends get themselves locked inside the Bio-Dome, a science experiment, along with a group of environmental scientists for one year.”
This week’s referenced movies: Ready to Rumble; Real Genius; Ghostbusters; Die Hard; Blue Velvet; Apocalypse Now; Exorcist II: The Heretic
Ratings for Bio-Dome: Daniel – Dare; Corky – Double Dare
RELATED CLIPS
Original theatrical trailer for Bio-Dome
Laughing gas and hypodermic darts
William Atherton playing a prick in Ghostbusters
Follow Dare Daniel on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Be sure to listen, rate, review and subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, PlayerFM, Listen Notes, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, Castbox and more. New episodes come out every other Tuesday! Help support the show by clicking the Donate button on th...Next Episode
“The Box” Podcast Movie Review
https://daredaniel.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/DareDanielE038S01.mp3
The Box (2009; Richard Kelly) – Dare Daniel Podcast Episode 38
“Great suspense there, asshole.”
On this week’s show, podcast hosts Daniel Barnes and Corky McDonnell crawl up the wormhole of Richard Kelly’s 2009 mind-scrambler The Box.
Based on a Richard Matheson story previously adapted into an episode of The Twilight Zone, The Box stars Cameron Diaz and James Marsden as a highly successful yet inexplicably destitute married couple in 1970s Virginia.
One day, a creepy burn victim played by Frank Langella presents the couple with a Philosophy 101 thought experiment: press a button on a box, and you get a million dollars. However, someone you don’t know will die.
Speaking of pressing buttons, Kelly’s inability to cobble together a single cohesive sequence indeed pressed our buttons. At one point, Langella’s box gets described as “a device of unknown purpose,” but that could easily describe this overstuffed and inert torrent of vaguely sciencey gobbledygook.
Elsewhere, Daniel and Corky discuss CGI goo squares, What’s Happening nostalgia, creepy nosebleeds and the significance of zombie Santa Claus.
THE BOX FACTS AND FIGURES
U.S. theatrical release date: November 6, 2009
Domestic box o ffice: $15 million (production budget: $30 million)
Critic scores: 44 on Rotten Tomatoes; 47 on Metacritic
This week’s craft beer: Three Weavers Brewing Company‘s Knotty Double IPA (8.6% ABV)
This week’s Darer: Heather Williams
Why did Heather dare Daniel and Corky to watch The Box? “Have you ever watched a movie and said wtf throughout the whole thing, while simultaneously thinking it can’t get weirder, but it does? Then this is the cinematic classic for you. Bonus: Santa appears!”
IMDB synopsis: “A small wooden box arrives on the doorstep of a married couple, who know that opening it will grant them a million dollars and kill someone they don’t know.”
This week’s referenced movies: Donnie Darko; Southland Tales; The English Patient; Darkman; Die Hard; The Shining; Gremlins; Sleepaway Camp; Stargate; Home Alone; The Lord of the Rings trilogy; The Terminator franchise
Ratings for The Box: Daniel – Dare; Corky – Double Dare
RELATED CLIPS
Original theatrical trailer for The Box
“Come with me if you want to live!” mashup
1986 The Twilight Zone episode “Button, Button”
Follow Dare Daniel on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Be sure to listen, rate, review and subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, PlayerFM, Listen Notes, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, Castbox and more. New episodes come out every other Tuesday! Help support the show by clicking the Donate button on the Dare Daniel homepage, and send us your movie dares. Read more of Daniel’s movie reviews at Dare Daniel and ...If you like this episode you’ll love
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