Come Here To Me: Relationship Experts Walk the Talk

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New and extraordinary emotional truth is shared in this session wherein Figs and Teale stop defending their stories and start experiencing the empathy and connection they long for. Discover insights into how reactivity can be an essential precursor to vulnerability.

Timestamps:

01:06 Small talk — Life in Hawaii

05:22 Intro to the session: The ways couples normally try to solve problems

08:07 Therapy tools: "My story is that..."

10:10 Transitioning from story of other to experience of self

13:48 Honoring the reactive cycle before dropping into vulnerability

15:30 Accessing Teale's attachment history

17:35 Session begins — Defending their stories

21:12 Why Figs uses anger

23:50 Teale's story of "I'm the wronged one"

24:48 Feeling behind the anger: Figs is alone | Teale empathizing with Figs

30:33 Teale's hurt and past around anger in men

33:33 Teale protesting with "I don't want to tolerate it"

35:09 Figs feeling triggered around "I'm not gonna tolerate it"

37:36 Teale wants to reorganize her narrative of her life

40:39 Discussing Teale's (triggering) family history

45:17 Teale's family with Figs is healing

46:20 Figs becomes emotional over being that person for Teale

48:25 Teale feels love for that fiery part of Figs

50:42 Session ends — What is your story?

51:08 Scary and activating for Teale to share her attachment history

54:15 Figs' journey to vulnerable empathy for Teale

56:59 Big vulnerable feelings may not look dramatic on the outside

59:49 Feeling activated first helps in moving to deeper vulnerable feelings

01:03:28 Ending chit-chat: The Bro and the Angry Irishman

Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.

Figs is sent reeling when a session on repair goes in an unexpected direction when Teale tries to connect deeply. Explore the ways preconceptions shake up natural processes as Figs and Teale challenge the idea that there's a "right" way to be vulnerable.

Timestamps:

01:06 Introduction

01:56 Figs' Irish ways

07:03 Preview of session — "Are we ready to stop being in your head, Figs?"

08:03 The Emotional Withdrawer's struggle to describe their internal world

09:41 Healing empathy from Teale and the therapist

11:35 Understanding the Emotional Withdrawer

12:12 Teale's realization, "And it's happening right now"

15:07 Session begins — Figs' rate of repair

17:59 "You're so good at coming out." "Even when you don't fish him out." "No."

19:05 Teale has trouble tolerating disconnection

22:32 Figs feels trapped in having to repair — being "reeled in" — before he's ready

24:15 Teale's will feels overpowering to Figs, he wants to collapse

30:06 Process question — too cognitive?

32:13 Figs receives the message, "My way of processing is not right"

34:24 Teale was trying to be "good"

36:42 Figs is overwhelmed, feels like they can't get any one thing done

45:04 Teale reflects Figs' feelings and acknowledges her own triggers

46:19 Figs feels Teale is more trigger-able in session

49:32 Figs describes being unhappy, "and it's not acceptable"

50:47 Staying with the negative feelings

53:27 Figs' feelings were shut down, triggered feelings of "Too much"-ness

55:52 Figs was able to let in Teale and the therapist

59:20 Session ends

59:38 Teale learned a lot about herself as a critic and Figs' shame

01:02:10 Finding the deep sadness beneath the surface

01:04:10 Teale and the therapist's empathy gave Figs the space he needed

01:07:54 French movie vs American movie analogy

01:09:12 "You don't have to get it right the first time"

01:09:48 Next week's episode

Visit comeheretomepodcast.com for episode transcripts, social media links, and to subscribe to the mailing list.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.

Are partners born wicked, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them? From The Bachelor to the state of politics, "bad guys" are a recipe for disconnection — but not in the way you'd expect...If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.

In "Defensive Dating", Figs explains how becoming our "protector" selves in relationship backfires.

In a 30-second clip, reality tv star Tiffany Pollard lays it all out for her date:

• "I want my eggs cracked" (I want a child)
• "I want my name dropped" (I want to be married)
• I'm not your bed maiden, maid, floozy, or [redacted]
• I'm not perfect, but I'm good to you, and you're going to have to give me something substantial.

This is an example of a character strategy — a "protector" self deployed to shield our vulnerable, hurt selves from emotional pain.

Though her date doesn't speak during the entire video, we can also observe his character strategy — a skeptical, nonchalant, still-faced man.

Those 4 "people" are present in every conflict — your vulnerable self, your protector, your partner's vulnerable self, and their protector.

This strategy completely makes sense... and is a self-fulfilling, self-defeating prophecy.

Figs explains that every time you ask for your needs to be met as your protector — "I'm not playing with you." — it's like throwing a boomerang.

It guts your partner, who then deploys THEIR protector (Mr. Nonchalant Pants), and your boomerang swings back around to gut you — "See, they really DON'T care."

And on and on.

Most people who come in to have sessions with Figs are locked in this cycle.

So, how does he break you out of it?

Well, first, you have to see all sides of the boomerang effect at play and feel, "Look at how sad this is for both of us!"

Then — once the trust and understanding makes it safe for both of you — you can go deeper into vulnerability.

It is only then, with your protector reassured and from the voice of your vulnerable one, that you will ask for your needs to be met and have it actually happen in the way you long for.

And this happens in both directions — one partner is able to reach out to have the other be there for them, and the other is able to finally be good enough.

What is really transformative about this experience occurs when this moment becomes a memory. All those "files" informing your view of the world — telling you that you can't trust others to love you in the way you need, that you're alone or not good enough — now are up against at least one shining piece of proof that you ARE lovable.

Then we do it again. And again.

And those old files become less and less relevant.

And before you know it, you're both living in a world that's a little bit safer and brighter than before.

This can happen for couples with dramatic displays like this, and it can happen for you.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.