Back From Betrayal
Explicit content warning
02/16/23 • 49 min
The balancing act of couples therapy takes center stage in "Back From Betrayal" as Figs and Karen break down the process of bringing couples who are grappling with a betrayal to repairing and strengthening their relationship.
As compassionate witnesses, Empathi couples therapists guide couples toward "all needs met" moments, which means exploring their vulnerable perspectives in a way so that each member feels understood and is able to empathetically hear what the other partner is sharing.
With a betrayal such as an affair, the "betrayer" often wants to "get back to good" as soon as possible. In this case, Figs and Karen emphasize experiencing and exploring the negative feelings resulting from the betrayal which the "betrayer" is trying to avoid.
As couples therapists, they will explore deeply the many different kinds of betrayal that the "betrayed" has felt for their benefit, but also so that the "betrayer" can recognize it and emulate that empathetic support.
Then, there is space to explore the "betrayer"'s pain in the present moment and what they were seeking through the affair or other betrayal.
Couples Therapy Works is a new series from the Come Here To Me team delving into the complex work of couples therapy from the ground up. Each episode will feature one or more of Empathi’s own counselors as they examine the truths and challenges of relationship repair.
To submit a question for Figs and Karen to answer, email [email protected] or leave a comment on YouTube, Instagram, or Apple Podcasts.
If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.
The balancing act of couples therapy takes center stage in "Back From Betrayal" as Figs and Karen break down the process of bringing couples who are grappling with a betrayal to repairing and strengthening their relationship.
As compassionate witnesses, Empathi couples therapists guide couples toward "all needs met" moments, which means exploring their vulnerable perspectives in a way so that each member feels understood and is able to empathetically hear what the other partner is sharing.
With a betrayal such as an affair, the "betrayer" often wants to "get back to good" as soon as possible. In this case, Figs and Karen emphasize experiencing and exploring the negative feelings resulting from the betrayal which the "betrayer" is trying to avoid.
As couples therapists, they will explore deeply the many different kinds of betrayal that the "betrayed" has felt for their benefit, but also so that the "betrayer" can recognize it and emulate that empathetic support.
Then, there is space to explore the "betrayer"'s pain in the present moment and what they were seeking through the affair or other betrayal.
Couples Therapy Works is a new series from the Come Here To Me team delving into the complex work of couples therapy from the ground up. Each episode will feature one or more of Empathi’s own counselors as they examine the truths and challenges of relationship repair.
To submit a question for Figs and Karen to answer, email [email protected] or leave a comment on YouTube, Instagram, or Apple Podcasts.
If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.
Previous Episode
Breakup Empathy
In "Breakup Empathy" Figs and Karen examine why empathy is the essential ingredient in their work with couples, even when they part ways.
"Empathy" in this case is not just a person feeling compassion and understanding their partner, it's the ability for both partners to see the relationship as a whole and experience empathy for each person in the system, together.
But before it can be experienced, couples will have, say, six beats of time—minutes, hours, days—wherein they cannot control their reactivity and reliance on "the story of other." Even for experienced couples therapists in relationship, the moment is lost.
It's important for couples to not try and prevent those six beats of reactivity, but to work on reaching "beat seven"—that moment of empathy for themselves, their partner, and both of them together.
Even when couples therapy clients decide to sever their bond, this empathy is essential for each partner's healthy understanding of relationships and themselves. Otherwise, not only can they carry resentment which negatively affects their future relationships, they may harbor negative core beliefs about themselves such as "I'm too much" and "I'm not enough."
Couples Therapy Works is a new series from the Come Here To Me team delving into the complex work of couples therapy from the ground up. Each episode will feature one or more of Empathi’s own counselors as they examine the truths and challenges of relationship repair.
To submit a question for Figs and Karen to answer, email [email protected] or leave a comment on YouTube, Instagram, or Apple Podcasts.
If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.
Next Episode
Impossible Moments
What do you do when there are no moves left?
In "Impossible Moments" Figs and Karen discuss a moment every couple will experience throughout their relationship—being so reactive and so hurt they are simply unable to move forward.
This can show up as a conflict in the course of a normal day, such as Figs and Teale experienced in the example Figs shared, or it can show up when two people are very close to ending things, as was the case with Karen's clients.
Figs explains that because couples are experiencing emotional bonding trauma very deeply in those moments, if a therapist can hold them in their feelings of abandonment or rejection, they will reach for each other from that place of vulnerability and be able to have a transformational experience.
Figs and Karen also discuss the value of "meta-processing" for integrating moments of healing in a couple's relationship—for impossible moments, and in relation to the last Relationship Experts episode with Teale.
Couples Therapy Works is a new series from the Come Here To Me team delving into the complex work of couples therapy from the ground up. Each episode will feature one or more of Empathi’s own counselors as they examine the truths and challenges of relationship repair.
To submit a question for Figs and Karen to answer, email [email protected] or leave a comment on YouTube, Instagram, or Apple Podcasts.
If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.
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