Busting Addiction and Its Myths

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.
In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.
The illusion of control
There's something to be said for the idea that we have the ultimate say in the direction and quality of our own lives. Being the "master of our fate" is embedded in our culture as a truth, at least as a worthy aspiration.
Let's bust this myth with the real truth, a truth grounded in the evidence we see all around us. Too often, an unforeseen event will throw even the most self-assured people off their life's track.
Too often, a disease such as an addictive disorder will upend even the most "normal" and happy family. Yet, the family caregiver, typically the mum, will hang on to the illusion that she can affect the trajectory of her loved one's life. Even when her son or daughter is in the grip of a disease over which neither they nor their mother has any control whatsoever.
It is a well-proven truth that is well-expressed in the first step of the 12 steps of AA: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol..." That applies to the mum as well, as she is just as powerless over their alcoholism or addiction as they are.
It's called a family disease for a reason: because it's true.

In this podcast, we discuss the impossibility of escaping the here and now.

We learn that:

1. It’s common for people to be constantly thinking about something other than the reality of the present.

2. There is a huge difference between planning for the future and living there.

3. There is ultimately much joy in living in the moment regardless of a person’s circumstances, but it takes commitment and practice.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.
In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.
You can't will this away
Our Western culture has us believing that we are the masters of our own fate and that we are the captains of our individual souls. The underlying idea here is that the "will to win" can power us past any obstacle, any barrier, any circumstance that keeps us from achieving some sort of victory.
We make heroes of those who have "conquered the odds", and indeed there are many who serve as examples of extraordinary efforts leading to extraordinary results. We are mindful of the fact that for every champion, there are countless others who never even come close. They, too, however, are deserving of praise just for doing their very best in trying to win, powered by the will to win.
We all agree that no one can predict the things that are out of our control: a world-champion racing car driver dies in a horrible accident, a famous actor dies of AIDS, a politician dies of brain cancer. We do accept that we cannot predict the unpredictable.
That said, our culture has great difficulty, however, accepting the concept of powerlessness. When we are faced with the statement contained in the first of the twelve steps of AA that states "we were powerless over alcohol...,” we reject any idea that suggests we have no power.
No power whatsoever is a bitter pill to swallow for those of us who believe that we have power over this thing we call addiction. We have no power over someone else's addiction or alcoholism, and this is the important thing to remember if you are not the one with the addiction.
The bitter pill of powerlessness, ironically, is the key to the door of ultimate freedom. We never thought that the key to victory was surrender. Once we accept the reality of powerlessness, we are liberated from our old, erroneous way of thinking.
The illusion that we could, will this away on our own had to be smashed. The lucky ones, the ones who have awakened, come to understand that it is only when we surrender our own self-will that we can get onto the path that leads us to healing.

Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.
In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.
I'm only OK if you're OK
Let's stretch this concept just a little further. Let's say: "The mum is Ok only when her addict son is OK".
The addict's desires begin to rule the family. That's because it has already started to become dysfunctional as a result of addictive disorder living under the same roof.
Because the co-dependent (the mum) is unconscious of her own true needs, the one time she feels OK is when she thinks her son is OK with his life and OK with her. She puts her loved one's happiness above hers at all times, leaving zero room for her own needs or anything that will give her joy or pleasure.
She feels depressed and extremely anxious when her son faces a challenge and is compelled to assist him in solving that problem. She takes ownership of every problem he encounters.
She is compelled to offer a rapid-fire series of suggestions, even tries to change her loved one's beliefs, and feels very angry when her advice is not followed or proves unsuccessful.
She finds herself saying "yes" when she really thinks she should say "no" because the thing she fears the most is the disapproval of her son. In reality, that puts the addict in charge. Imagine a sick, self-centred addict being in charge of anything, let alone what his mother does. Chances are, he's talked his mother into doing something that will enable his addiction to grow and flourish.
Co-dependents exhibit all sorts of attitudes that are self-defeating. They reject praise or compliments. They believe they are not good enough. They believe that they can't do anything right and are fearful of making errors and feel guilty much of the time.
They attempt to help others live their lives as opposed to paying attention to their own well-being. They have a poor sense of boundaries and think nothing of pushing unwanted advice without being asked for it. And yet, what others think of them is paramount.
That's why the co-dependent mum rarely says "no". In the rare event that his mum does say "no", he will make her feel guilty. He connives to make her relent, and if she does say "yes", he will now "love" his mother, and she'll feel OK because he is now OK with her.

In this podcast, we answer the question... Is commitment to recovery a make-or-break deal after leaving treatment?
By all means, yes.
Those of us who have been practitioners of the principles of recovery pay attention to the wisdom expressed in the literature and read at the AA and NA meetings.
A good example:
"Some of us tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely".
The "old ideas" that this passage refers to is the absurd notion that an alcoholic can get and stay sober on their own willpower. What happens when the addict or alcoholic decides that they do not need NA or AA to stay sober?
They abandon the commitment they made a while ago in treatment to go all the way. Every day. Including becoming a part of the Fellowship.
This disease is so cunning, baffling, and powerful that it requires a higher power and the "we" fellowship to gain “a daily reprieve (that is) contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition".
A full commitment means action, not lip service. A full commitment means that we go "all in", that we surrender our old ways of thinking and acting and adopt a new way of living.
This is an all-or-nothing game. We get nothing unless we give everything.
That is why AA meetings start with this promise:
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path".
If that is not about commitment, then what is?