Mini Series 8 - The illusion of control
01/19/24 • 3 min
Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.
In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.
The illusion of control
There's something to be said for the idea that we have the ultimate say in the direction and quality of our own lives. Being the "master of our fate" is embedded in our culture as a truth, at least as a worthy aspiration.
Let's bust this myth with the real truth, a truth grounded in the evidence we see all around us. Too often, an unforeseen event will throw even the most self-assured people off their life's track.
Too often, a disease such as an addictive disorder will upend even the most "normal" and happy family. Yet, the family caregiver, typically the mum, will hang on to the illusion that she can affect the trajectory of her loved one's life. Even when her son or daughter is in the grip of a disease over which neither they nor their mother has any control whatsoever.
It is a well-proven truth that is well-expressed in the first step of the 12 steps of AA: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol..." That applies to the mum as well, as she is just as powerless over their alcoholism or addiction as they are.
It's called a family disease for a reason: because it's true.
Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.
In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.
The illusion of control
There's something to be said for the idea that we have the ultimate say in the direction and quality of our own lives. Being the "master of our fate" is embedded in our culture as a truth, at least as a worthy aspiration.
Let's bust this myth with the real truth, a truth grounded in the evidence we see all around us. Too often, an unforeseen event will throw even the most self-assured people off their life's track.
Too often, a disease such as an addictive disorder will upend even the most "normal" and happy family. Yet, the family caregiver, typically the mum, will hang on to the illusion that she can affect the trajectory of her loved one's life. Even when her son or daughter is in the grip of a disease over which neither they nor their mother has any control whatsoever.
It is a well-proven truth that is well-expressed in the first step of the 12 steps of AA: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol..." That applies to the mum as well, as she is just as powerless over their alcoholism or addiction as they are.
It's called a family disease for a reason: because it's true.
Previous Episode
Mini Series 8 - Co-dependency - We've all got it
Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.
In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.
Co-dependency - We've all got it
Every person on earth has at least some form of co-dependency, just as everyone experiences anxiety.
There are some who worry from time to time, and there are others who live in an endless state of worry, what professionals call anxiety syndrome. A whole class of drugs has developed around this one symptom.
The same goes for co-dependency. Who doesn't want their spouse or child to be neater at home, and try to “get" them to do what they think is right? This desire can be placed on a continuum from mild to bothersome to severe. When the desire to control becomes severe, it is classified by psychiatry as co-dependency; it becomes an addiction in and of itself.
We see the most severe form of this phenomenon in families where there is addiction at home. What starts as the "desire" or "want" to have the other person stop or control his or her drinking or using drugs in the early stages ultimately manifests itself as an all-consuming obsession that sucks all the oxygen from the room.
The co-dependent person - the person close to the addict or alcoholic - exhibits many symptoms of unhealthy behaviour, the primary one being feeling overly responsible for the other's feelings, actions, decisions, and overall well-being. They have confused their own agenda with that of their loved one. In fact, they have no agenda of their own anymore, not since they became unwitting partners in addiction.
So, even though we all have it in various forms, co-dependency will take over even the most "normal" families if they are not alert to its harmful potential. And most families are not, given their inclination to deny the very existence of addiction in their own family.
Next Episode
Mini Series 8 - I'm only OK if you're OK
Whether we like it or not, we are all susceptible to co-dependency - the need to control another person in our life.
In this podcast, we offer the following insights on the various aspects of co-dependency, especially important when addressing what happens in families who are experiencing addiction at home.
I'm only OK if you're OK
Let's stretch this concept just a little further. Let's say: "The mum is Ok only when her addict son is OK".
The addict's desires begin to rule the family. That's because it has already started to become dysfunctional as a result of addictive disorder living under the same roof.
Because the co-dependent (the mum) is unconscious of her own true needs, the one time she feels OK is when she thinks her son is OK with his life and OK with her. She puts her loved one's happiness above hers at all times, leaving zero room for her own needs or anything that will give her joy or pleasure.
She feels depressed and extremely anxious when her son faces a challenge and is compelled to assist him in solving that problem. She takes ownership of every problem he encounters.
She is compelled to offer a rapid-fire series of suggestions, even tries to change her loved one's beliefs, and feels very angry when her advice is not followed or proves unsuccessful.
She finds herself saying "yes" when she really thinks she should say "no" because the thing she fears the most is the disapproval of her son. In reality, that puts the addict in charge. Imagine a sick, self-centred addict being in charge of anything, let alone what his mother does. Chances are, he's talked his mother into doing something that will enable his addiction to grow and flourish.
Co-dependents exhibit all sorts of attitudes that are self-defeating. They reject praise or compliments. They believe they are not good enough. They believe that they can't do anything right and are fearful of making errors and feel guilty much of the time.
They attempt to help others live their lives as opposed to paying attention to their own well-being. They have a poor sense of boundaries and think nothing of pushing unwanted advice without being asked for it. And yet, what others think of them is paramount.
That's why the co-dependent mum rarely says "no". In the rare event that his mum does say "no", he will make her feel guilty. He connives to make her relent, and if she does say "yes", he will now "love" his mother, and she'll feel OK because he is now OK with her.
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