Breaking Free

Does the idea of speaking in public make you feel anxious? Do you worry about all the things that could go wrong? Are you scared people will find what you have to say boring?

So many people feel this way and wish they could develop more confidence to conquer fears that have been holding them back. The good news is that there are ways to develop your speaking/presenting skills and gain more confidence with guidance and practice.

My guest for this episode is communication coach, Jon Torrens. A former video-game developer and stand-up comic who uses his strong interpersonal skills to engage all kinds of audiences with spontaneity and humour. He shares some valuable tips and resources you can check out, and talks about his own experiences and feelings of insecurity with complete honesty.

Discussed in this episode:

• How Jon developed good story and delivery confidence doing stand-up comedy for 10 years alongside his job as a video-game designer (00:55)
• How to make your story unpredictable and break the pattern (6:00)
• The importance of defining what you want confidence in and to then give yourself permission (7.25)
• Vulnerability and showing your authentic self connects you with your audience (10:00)
• What to do when things go wrong and how it can become the funniest story ever (11:30)
• The chaotic TedX experience that turned out successful in the end (15:00)
• Don't let the negative inner dialogue ruin a talk that might seem to others to be running smoothly (20.00)
• How to deal with going dry (22:30)
• Dave Goggins' accountability mirror technique (24:18)
• Mel Robbins' High Five technique and power poses by Amy Cuddy (26:50)
• How Jon deals with his own insecurities and doubts (28.55)
• Susan Jeffers give advice in her book Feel the fear and do it anyway 'You will handle it'. (32:00)
• Understanding your own strengths is essential and I challenge Jon to list five of his own (33:00)

Connect with Jon:

Website: https://jontorrens.co.uk

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jontorrens/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jontorrens/

Let’s connect!

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Resources mentioned:

Dave Goggins: https://youtu.be/9mMbfJNoM9g

Mel Robbins : https://www.high5habit.com

Your body may shape who you are Amy Cuddy: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_may_shape_who_you_are

Rick Hanson Resilient: https://www.rickhanson.net/resilient/

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My first guest on season two of Breaking Free is Laura Marshall, an award winning aesthetics director who helps people feel more confident with medical tattooing and cosmetic injectables. We explore whether looking younger or more beautiful on the outside, helps you feel any more confident on the inside. I ask Laura how much is too much and discover some interesting facts about the human nipple !

As most of us usually feel confident in some areas and less so in others, I question with Laura why she feels more comfortable owning her success as a businesswoman but struggles to say the same about herself as a triathlete who participated twice in the 'Ironman' race.

Discussed in this episode:

• Why Laura feels guilty describing herself as an athlete, alongside her title of entrepreneur and Mum (3.50)
• Medical tattooing aureolas and the difference between a male and female nipple (11.00)
• Losing her father to cancer ten years ago was the drive behind why Laura found meaning and purpose in aesthetic beauty therapy (16.00)
• How cosmetic injectables are even more in demand after lockdown (17.45)
• Are social media filters creating bigger insecurities in young people? (19.00)
• Cosmetic injectables (23.00)
• Beauty targeting has shifted from the older woman to younger women and girls (25.00)
• Natural treatments that I have tried personally (28.00)
• Becoming part of a triathlon club, and completing 'Ironman twice', helped Laura gain confidence and inspire others (31.50)

Let’s connect!

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• Twitter
• LinkedIn
• Website

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We are all confident in some areas of our lives more than we are in others, but sexual confidence is rarely felt or talked about. Feeling confident in your body and knowing what pleasures you, gives you confidence in the way that you carry yourself and interact with others. Our sexuality is an important and integral part of being human, so why do we shy away from exploring it more openly? Why do parents find it difficult to discuss sexuality and body autonomy with their children? Why is shame tied to sexual pleasure in so many cultures?

My guest in today's episode of Breaking Free is sex educator Zina Malas. Born in the UK and raised in the UAE, Zina is a third culture kid who’s lived in Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Jordan and the UK. She started out her career in media and research and made the shift to sexual health after becoming a mother to two young girls and noticed a lack of sexual education and knowledge in the Middle East.

Discussed in this episode:

• Why Zina chose to train as a sexuality educator in a region that regards sex as taboo (1:16)
• How feeling comfortable with our sexuality can increase our confidence (3:52)
• How Zina starting to educate her girls early about sex in order to give them body autonomy, surprised the school (7:40)
• Sexual shame is a feeling, not a fact! (13:11)
• How when women are mostly raised as dutiful caretakers, it becomes hard to be vocal about what they want (15:27)
• How we can give our kids an age appropriate sex talk (17:05)
• Deciding on the Values, beliefs and messages you want to pass down to your children instead of passing on generational ideas that have never been questioned (21:20)
• The danger of kids turning to porn for answers when they don't feel comfortable asking their parents (22:30)
• Typical gender roles can harm relationships (24:00)

Connect with Zina:

https://www.instagram.com/sexualhealth_jo/

Let’s connect!

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• Twitter
• LinkedIn
• Website

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I share an honest and intimate conversation with a group of single Moms who made the decision to leave a partnership or marriage that was no longer making them happy. It is never an easy decision to make, and it still has its many challenges even when it comes with the privilege of financial support or custody of the children. No-one enters a committed relationship and has children with the intention of leaving. So many women fear the consequences of leaving or literally have no choice. So I hope that sharing a few stories of my own and others, can help shine a light on some of the rewards and challenges involved in Breaking Free when a marriage is no longer working.

Topics discussed in this episode:

• Lucia raised her son on her own even though she was in a partnership for seventeen years before deciding to separate a few years ago and now shares custody (2:38)
• Dana divorced during the Covid epidemic after having time alone with her daughters to reflect on her seven year marriage (5:38)
• Lily explains how she felt like a single mother with an absent husband most of the time, even though he was an engaged father when he was present for short periods (9:50)
• Are there more fingers pointed at whoever chooses to leave the marriage? (18:50)
• Feelings of guilt (21:27)
• Choosing to stay in a marriage and deciding to separate emotionally and living a new dynamic instead (23:15)
• When staying in a marriage feels unhealthy and not an option or good example for the kids to see (26:18)
• Lucia is able to discover who she truly is now that she no longer lives with emotional abuse (29:15)
• How mothers not working in order to raise the kids and run the household, is rarely considered as an equal contribution to husbands earning an income (31:00)
• Judgement from others who assume things about a couple from what they see (33:50)
• What message are we sending our children when we stay in an unhappy marriage? (35:00)
• The vunerability that comes with being free and single again after years of emotional neglect (39:00)
• The challenges of living a single life within a marriage (41:20)
• The challenge of finding the balance of raising the children together apart (47:00)\
• The fear of being replaced by a step-mom (49:00)
• If roles were reversed and Moms had a new partner or marriage, there would be a risk of losing the kids (52:00)
• How the loneliness of being in an unhappy marriage or feeling isolated in the family can be harder than the loneliness of being single (53:30)
• The possible burden children may feel, thinking it is their responsibility to look after their single or unhappy parent (57:05)

Let’s connect !

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In this episode, I talk about shame. Where it originates from and how to overcome it. Shame keeps us small and gains power when we keep our feelings a secret. Unidentified and unexpressed, shame can lead us to hurting ourselves with perfectionism, addiction, eating disorders or suicide. We also hurt others with bullying, aggression, blaming and sometimes violence.

We aren't born with shame. Society and culture create shame in us as a means of control. We can feel shame about our accent, colour, gender, feeling pleasure, negative feelings, height, weight etc..

I look up and share wikipedia's description of guilt and shame societies. In individuals, guilt is when you feel bad about something but shame is when you inherently feel like a bad person. It is okay to feel sorry for what you have done but not for who you are. Shame doesn't help you move forward as it only leads you into a spiral of hopelessness and self-hatred.

Shame researcher and author Brene Brown explains how empathy and sharing is the antidote to shame. I include her 5 steps towards shame resilience and the 8 types of people to avoid sharing with that do not have the empathy and compassion required as a trusted listener.

Discussed in this episode:

What wikipedia tells us about guilt and shame culture/socities (0:40)

Some of the many things we feel shame about (2:40)

Rejection is a significant threat (3:15)

Individualist and collectivist cultures (4:00)

What is shame? (4:40)

Shame researcher Brene Brown description of how we deal with shame (5:15)

Brene's five steps for shame resilience (6:10)

Sheila Kelly's talk (Let's get naked) talks about the first offense of shaming (11:30)

My own shame family cycle (14.10)

Sharing your shame with a compassionate person is healing (16:00)

The 8 people NOT to share with (16:15)

A summary on how to deal with shame (21:00)

Let’s connect!

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References:

https://brenebrown.com/about

https://www.shortform.com/blog/brene-brown-shame/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt–shame–fear_spectrum_of_cultures

Sheila Kelly ( Let's get naked) Talk : https://youtu.be/Lrdn4lazVBc

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