Is My Husband Toxic? – When You Discover His Double Life

01/28/25 • 55 min

There’s another word for toxic – abusive. If you’re asking, “Is my husband toxic?” What you’re really asking is he emotionally or psychologically abusive. Here’s three things you need to know.

What Does “Toxic” Mean?

A toxic person uses manipulation, control, lies, and chaos to get what they want. Often, toxic men use emotional or psychological abuse tactics, which can be harder to detect than physical abuse, but is just as damaging.

See if he’s using any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Here are some red flags of toxic emotional or psychological abuse to watch out for in your marriage:

1. Manipulation

Does your husband often twist situations to make you feel like you’re the problem, even when he’s clearly at fault?

2. Control

Does he lie to control your perception of him, rather than meet you on equal grounds by telling the truth?

3. Objectification

Does he objectify women or exploit women?

Questions to Determine If Your Husband Is Toxic

If you’re unsure whether your husband’s behavior is toxic (abusive), ask yourself these questions:

Does he belittle my emotions, making me feel like I’m “too sensitive” or imagining things?
Does he undermine me by saying my friends or family don’t know what they’re talking about when they’re doing something to empower me?
When I express concerns, does he block conversation by storming off or shutting me down? Or start attacking me with the exact same “concerns” he’s never brought up before?
Does he dismiss or “forget” promises?
Has he ever lied to me about things he’s planning or what’s going to happen that he has no intention of ever actually planning or doing.
Does he frequently criticize, judge, or blame me instead of taking responsibility for his actions?
Do his words or actions make me feel small, unsafe, or like I’m constantly walking on eggshells?

If you answered “yes” to any of these, take our free test for emotional abuse that will help you know for sure.

What Your Husband’s Toxic Behavior Does to You

Living with emotional or psychological abuse can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and feelings of worthlessness.

It can make you question your reality, leading to something called “gaslighting,” where you’re manipulated into doubting your own experiences or memories. Over time, these effects will erode your mental health and self-esteem.

Yep, Your Husband Is Toxic. What Can I Do?

Acknowledge the Problem

The first step is recognizing that your husband’s behavior is abusive or toxic. It’s not “just how he is,” nor is it “your fault.” To learn more about this type of abuse, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.

Seek The Right Support

Talk to trusted friends or family members about what you’re experiencing. You might also consider attending Group Sessions, like Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. These sessions provide a safe environment to share your experience with women who understand.

Learn Strategies To Protect Yourself

If your husband is toxic, going to couples therapy or talking to a priest might make things worse for you. Toxic men often use tricks to blame you for the problems. They might even say your relationship or marriage is toxic, trying to make it seem like it’s partly your fault.

His mean behavior isn’t your fault, even if it hurts you. Before talking to a counselor or Pastor, learn what he’ll do next by enrolling in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. That way you’ll be one step ahead.

Transcript: Is My Husband Toxic? – When You Discover His Double Life

Anne: Jessica is on today’s episode. She holds a bachelor’s degree in media studies and has an in-depth understanding of how the media impacts our lives and shapes our attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. Jessica is a feminist and activist.

She is also on the board of Culture Reframed, a nonprofit organization founded by Dr. Gail Dines, whose mission is to build resilience and resistance to hypersexualized media.

Welcome, Jessica.

Jessica: Thank you. I’m glad to be here.

Anne: Jessica, a lot of women come on my podcast and share their story. And when I told my friends and family, they were like, “Calm down. It’s not that...

What Does “Toxic” Mean?

See if he’s using any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Here are some red flags of toxic emotional or psychological abuse to watch out for in your marriage:

1. Manipulation

Does your husband often twist situations to make you feel like you’re the problem, even when he’s clearly at fault?

2. Control

Does he lie to control your perception of him, rather than meet you on equal grounds by telling the truth?

3. Objectification

Does he objectify women or exploit women?

Questions to Determine If Your Husband Is Toxic

If you’re unsure whether your husband’s behavior is toxic (abusive), ask yourself these questions:

Does he belittle my emotions, making me feel like I’m “too sensitive” or imagining things?
Does he undermine me by saying my friends or family don’t know what they’re talking about when they’re doing something to empower me?
When I express concerns, does he block conversation by storming off or shutting me down? Or start attacking me with the exact same “concerns” he’s never brought up before?
Does he dismiss or “forget” promises?
Has he ever lied to me about things he’s planning or what’s going to happen that he has no intention of ever actually planning or doing.
Does he frequently criticize, judge, or blame me instead of taking responsibility for his actions?
Do his words or actions make me feel small, unsafe, or like I’m constantly walking on eggshells?

If you answered “yes” to any of these, take our free test for emotional abuse that will help you know for sure.

What Your Husband’s Toxic Behavior Does to You

Living with emotional or psychological abuse can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and feelings of worthlessness.

Yep, Your Husband Is Toxic. What Can I Do?

Acknowledge the Problem

Seek The Right Support

Learn Strategies To Protect Yourself

Transcript: Is My Husband Toxic? – When You Discover His Double Life

She is also on the board of Culture Reframed, a nonprofit organization founded by Dr. Gail Dines, whose mission is to build resilience and resistance to hypersexualized media.

Welcome, Jessica.

Jessica: Thank you. I’m glad to be here.

Anne: Jessica, a lot of women come on my podcast and share their story. And when I told my friends and family, they were like, “Calm down. It’s not that...

Previous Episode

Emotional Abuse vs Normal Conflict – Natalie’s Story

Even when clergy counsels you to forgive. Even when family sides with an emotionally abusive husband. Rather than focus on emotional abuse vs normal conflict, focus on emotional safety.

Emotional safety IS the “treatment”.

If you’re wondering if you’re experiencing emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz.

Understanding Emotional Abuse vs Normal Conflict

Emotional Abuse: Emotional abuse is manipulating someone’s emotions to exploit them. Because it’s aim is exploitation, it causes significant damage to the victim’s sense of self.

Normal Conflict: Normal conflicts are an inevitable part of any relationship. These types of benign conflicts are caused by differences in opinions, values, or expectations, but there’s no exploitation involved. Normal conflicts happen with two healthy people who care about each other and want the best for each other.

When a husband uses online explicit material or cheats on his wife, it’s a form of emotional abuse that deeply affects her. Normal conflicts don’t cause Infidelty, it’s emotional abuse.

How To Seek Safety

Many women in the BTR.ORG community share stories of feeling alone—when friends dismiss their accounts of emotional abuse. Sometimes clergy or therapists discount emotional abuse victims, especially when their emotionally abusive husband lies to the clergy or therapist about what’s going on.

In many religious communities, marriage is more important than a person’s feelings or emotional safety. Which doesn’t make sense, since the point of marriage is emotional safety. This type of abuse violates the essence of marriage. Choosing safety doesn’t mean ending your marriage. Your husband’s decision to be emotionally abusive has already broken that trust.

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we emphasize that safety encompasses several aspects of life:

Physical Safety: Make sure you meet basic needs like shelter, food, and clothing. Removing yourself from immediate emotional threats.
Emotional and Psychological Safety: Finding an environment where you can express yourself without fear of judgment or retaliation.
Spiritual Safety: Your beliefs are respected and not used against you.
Financial Safety: Gaining control over your financial resources and decisions.
Sexual Safety: Having autonomy over your own body and choices.

Steps To Begin Your Journey:

Separate Yourself from Harm:

Enroll in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop to learn what type of abuse you’re dealing with (or even if he’s actually abusive), and then what strategies to use to keep yourself emotionally safe.

Surround Yourself with Support:

Connect with support groups or communities like Betrayal Trauma Recovery where you can share your story without judgment. Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session TODAY.

Practice Self-Care:

Focus on basic needs like nutrition, hydration, and sleep to maintain your physical health.

Educate Yourself About Abuse:

Understanding abuse dynamics can empower you and provide clarity on your situation. Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast.

Transcript: Emotional Abuse vs Normal Conflict?

Anne: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. This is Anne. I’m so excited to have Natalie Hoffman on today’s episode. She’s the host of the Flying Free Now podcast. Which is a podcast dedicated to teaching women about emotional and spiritual abuse. She’s also the author of All the Scary Little Gods, and I’m so excited to have her on today. Welcome, Natalie.

Natalie: Thank you so much. I’m excited to be here.

Anne: You’re amazing. I’ve always appreciated your work. Especially all the interesting and fascinating deconstruction that you do with spiritual abuse. I love it. You’re so smart. And it’s just, it’s fun to have you here.

Let’s start by talking about your new book, All the Scary Little Gods.

Natalie: I wanted to tell my story. Because I wanted to help women stuck in fundamentalist programming. Who maybe weren’t able to read. Or had the capacity and interest in reading a scholarly type or non-fiction book about deprogramming. In fact, that might even scare them off a little bit. But they might want to read a story about it.

Next Episode

I Think My Husband Is Lying To Me – Stacey’s Story

When something just feels off. Do I think, “My husband is lying to me.” How do you know what to do next?

When he gives you that strange, blank look before answering a simple question, it’s likely that he was taking time to formulate a story he thought you’d believe.

Stacey is on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast sharing her own story of seeking safety after learning that her husband was living a double life, rife with lies and manipulation.

To discover if you’re experiencing this type of emotional abuse (lying), take our free emotional abuse quiz.

The Abuser Puts On A Facade

Many victims struggle to accept that the abuser is manipulating them because of the incredibly believable facade they put on. The abuser may wear a mask that makes him seem:

Devoutly religious
Like an honorable leader (many abusers hold public leadership roles)
Incredibly smart (doctors, attorneys, professors, etc)
Gentle (others may say things like, “He wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
Altruistic and woke (some abusers may be very involved in human rights activism, civil rights, or other causes to seem like a good person)
Grounded and at peace (they may wear this mask by getting involved in new-age practices like yoga, meditation, secular Buddhism, becoming a life coach, etc).

The Abuser Gaslights You To Avoid Getting Caught

Abusers will keep victims spiraling in every direction, so that catching your husband lying is a nearly impossible feat. They keep victims especially fixated on their own “flaws” so that victims feel they’re not allowed or worthy to address the abuser’s dishonesty.

If Something Feels Off, Trust Yourself

Ultimately, you can’t outsmart an abuser – they’ll deny, gaslight, and project until they’re blue in the face. Even if they admit they’re lying, they will never give you the closure and validation that you deserve. Instead, trust yourself that something is off, and instead of seeking definitive proof and a confession, seek safety. Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are a safe space for you to process your trauma and work toward safety. Attend a session today.

Transcript: I Think My Husband Is Lying To Me

Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’ll call her Stacey. She’ll share her story. Welcome, Stacy.

Stacey: Thank you. It’s great to be here.

Anne: Can you start at the beginning? Did you recognize your husband’s behaviors as abuse when you began your relationship with him?

Stacey: No, not at all. You were the first one that made me ever consider it abusive, just from listening to your podcasts. Before that, it had never even crossed my mind

Anne: Let’s start with that. What types of behaviors were you experiencing that led you to want some help? What made you think,”My husband is lying to me?”

Stacey: Well, he had an affair. About five years after the affair, things weren’t moving forward. I couldn’t figure out why. And that is the first time I heard the term gaslighting. And that’s when I started to search more for answers. I realized the extent of what had happened, and how I had been emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually abused. Just the extreme gaslighting that had gone on and was still going on.

Anne: Had that gaslighting and manipulation happened throughout your whole marriage? Once you knew what you were looking at and looked back, did you recognize it had been happening the whole time?

Stacey: For sure. I discovered he was looking at online explicit material just about a month after we married. And I think that’s when I knew I didn’t marry who I thought I had. But I felt stuck, because the next day after I found out he was looking at it, I found out I was pregnant. And that’s when I just thought, there’s nothing I can do, I’m stuck.

Manipulation & Lies

Anne: So what persona had he crafted to manipulate you?

Stacey: Well, he’s super spiritual, and we did all the religious things. I just thought I married a spiritual, religious, truthful person. I didn’t think he was capable of the lies and betrayal that ensued.

Anne: So how long between discovering it and when you discovered the affair? That you figured he was lying. Was that, I’m guessing, like 10 years or something?

Stacey: Yeah, 10 years.