04: Good Reads and five books that changed the course of my life

Dear Perfectionist,

I see you. How could I not? All eyes are on you because you are always perfectly pulled together. Wow, perfectionist you "have it all”. You carry yourself with a sense of grace and purpose in everything you do. You’re the envy of anyone who has ever tried to achieve something and fell flat.

Attention flows your way, as your energy is polarizing the moment you step into a room. You are always smiling, and eager to spark up a chat with a nearby listener as you spread positivity, share your next big project or big adventure. You are impressive, to say the least. And you’ve been this way ever since you can remember. You can’t help it. You were born this way.

Wow, perfectionist. You really have it all. The life you’ve always dreamed of. You’ve worked so hard to get here.

But perfectionist, there’s something else I see in your eyes. I wish I could put my finger on it. Is it pain? Is it fear? Or maybe it’s shame.

Is it the shame you inherited as a little girl the first time you let you parents down? Or maybe it was the shame that whispered to you the first time you felt not good enough. Maybe you felt not good enough to hang with the cool kids. Maybe it was the way you looked with your curly and unruly hair and crooked teeth. Maybe you were too tall or too short or too skinny or too fat. Did you feel not good enough when your parents didn’t stay married. Not good enough when your dad died when you were only 7.

Was it the time you felt not good enough for that abusive boyfriend your senior year of high school? Missed 2 Sundays in a row at church. Ate half the bag of chips during your cleanse. Yelled at the kids for the 3rd day in a row.

Or maybe it was that glass of wine after you made the public announcement of sobriety? Was it the tugging of shame that made you feel not good enough when you didn’t get a call back or you didn’t land that job? I could go on for days about the times you felt not good enough.

From that day forward, you did what you thought was smart. And that’s the day you decided you wanted to protect yourself from feeling that way ever again.

So you poured yourself into the pursuit of being perfect. Of feeling good enough. Of feeling worthy. Of feeling valued. You told yourself that if you were to do it differently this time - perhaps perfectly - that that outcome would be different.

If you were perfect, you would feel accepted.

If you were perfect you would be beautiful. Or skinny. Or have a perfect complexion, body or smile.

If you were perfect you would have good grades.

If you were perfect, your husband would quit the poker league.

If you were perfect you would land that perfect job with the perfect corner office. Or that you would have a perfect family and the most perfect, clean eating habits.

If you were perfect, your moody toddler or hormonal teenager would love you.

If you were perfect, your to do calendar would have perfectly checked boxes, and you’d have a perfect bank account.

If you were perfect you would be loved.

So that became your only pursuit. And boy, you took that ball and ran with it. You ran as fast and as hard as you could for so long. And wow, you accomplished so much in so little time. It was impressive, to say the least. You finished school with excellent grades, became a pillar of strength and success amongst your friends and built this perfectly curated life. You kept yourself so busy in this journey that you didn’t even give yourself permission or time to reflect on all you had accomplished. As soon as you mastered one goal, you were onto the next. When others celebrated you, the whispers in your head whispered back. You’re not good enough. But you picked up the pace and ran even faster & harder this time. You ran so hard, you ran right past your best self.

The best self that sees you for who you are. Just as you are ... today. The best self that knows that what you already are - and always were - is enough. Your big, courageous heart, your generous soul and your light is enough. Don’t you see that?

Perfectionist, you also ran away from who you were born to be. Burying yourself in projects, and work and maybe an addiction.

You ran away from your true self. Your true self is the only one who really knows you. Your true self knows it wasn’t all the medals you earned as a kid, the degrees you carried, the title in your name, the skills you mastered or the countless goals you accomplished a week ahead of the deadline. Your true self knows it’s not the thoughtfully curated images in your posts, or the number in your bank account.

Perfectionist, you even clicked on this post because you are still living in the pursuit to be something more, to be better, to be perfect.

See, perfectionist what you need to understand is that your spirit, your essence, your soul and true self are indeed per...