151: Every Situation Can Become A Meaningful Story

I woke up the other day inspired to write a blog post encouraging people to really re-think their holidays this year, to avoid trying to make them feel “normal”, and stressing out over obligations they cannot meet.

Madly typing away, I knew I was on to something important, inspiring even!

For some reason, I saved the article without sharing or posting it anywhere.

When I woke up the next day, I was faced with two struggles:

1. Our major kitchen remodel would be delayed again, and we will not be back in there for Thanksgiving, and
2. I received an email that made me uncomfortable, and had to acknowledge something I didn’t want to see in myself, something I really don’t love.

It was tempting to hunker down and immediately get to work, even though I knew I wouldn't be inspired or productive, mostly spinning my wheels and finding opportunities for distraction.

Instead, I forced myself to put on my hiking boots and take the dog for a long walk. I knew if I could get myself outside for a little while, I'd be far more productive for the rest of the day.

I was right.

As I walked in the snow in the crisp, clear air, I realized the tone of my article was too “preachy.” It happens sometimes when I have an idea I really want to share, an idea I believe will make a positive impact on people.

But I know better than to write and speak about things as if I’m separate from them, that if I want to have an impact, the lesson has to take the form of a personal story. Understanding why I didn’t post the article helped me realize that THAT was the thing I didn’t want to see in myself. I had been in the mode of advising, rather than coaching, when I clearly needed to be the latter for that situation.

Finally feeling more clear headed as I walked, I realized that because of the disappointment of the delayed house project, I had a perfect story to share to make my point about rethinking the holidays this year.

Our Thanksgiving and Hanukkah have always been pretty low-key. We’ve lived at least 750 miles from our nearest family member since we moved to Montana 21 years ago. Even so, the holidays can be stressful for me, when it comes time to acknowledge our family with gifts that are meaningful, especially because we live so far away and don’t see each other often.

I recently recorded an episode of Unapologetically Bold, I’m Not Sorry For... with Emily Elrod, and we talked about removing the word “should” from our vocabulary. This was in the context of internal “shoulds”, like “I should go to the gym” or “I should eat a salad instead of these potato chips.” And also our external “shoulds” like “you shouldn’t eat those potato chips” and “you should change your oil every 5,000 miles!”

Should can be condescending, but worse for me is how it is associated with obligation.

Anyone who has gone to a family Thanksgiving dinner that they really didn’t want to go to understands obligation. What they might not realize is that the people at the table know you’re feeling obligated and that you don’t really want to be there.

What do you think that does to your relationships? Obligation is the precursor to guilt, neither are good for relationships.

But how to we back out without making things worse?

Imagine that you’ve invited a close friend over for dinner, and she shows up but obviously doesn’t want to be there. She thinks she’s being subtle, that you don’t know, but of course you feel it. She felt obligated for one reason or another, and here she is. Do you notice her distance? Does it bother you that she didn’t feel like she could say something to you, to cancel or postpone the date? Or do you relish in her feeling obligated, does it make you feel good that she came only because she had to, not because she wanted to? I doubt it.

What if she said: “I can’t join you and your family for dinner, it’s uncomfortable for me, too chaotic. I’d like to have dinner with just you so we can really connect. Is next Saturday okay?”

She’s being honest about her discomfort, and though it’s a little painful that your family creates discomfort for her, aren’t you grateful for her honesty? Plus, she’s not making up an excuse, and she’s asking for a specific time – with the specific intention to spend time with you, as opposed to saying “raincheck?”

Here we are, heading into holidays full of “should”, obligation, and guilt.

I had a grand vision of Thanksgiving in our home in our newly renovated kitchen. We’ve spent 20 years in the house and have done a lot of critical projects inside this 1890 Victorian in the mountains, but we hadn’t touched the kitchen......